The 2012 Oscars
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- February 27, 2012
- Award Shows, Oscars
Things learned watching the 2012 Academy Awards:
- Who knew Meryl Streep winning an award could be so shocking?
- Thanks to Jennifer Coolidge, my new fave word is ELEVATOR FACES.
- Ryan Seacrest is a pro at getting a man’s mess off his tux … just sayin’.
- Add “hairstylist” to the things Gabourey Sidibe desperately needs.
- The best part of the show was … Angelina’s leg – literally.
- Oh, how the mighty have fallen… when Oprah gets an award but isn’t even allowed to speak!
- Esperanza Spalding should sing at every IN MEMORIAM segment. What a wonderful… performance.
- Sandra Bullock speaking German only makes Jesse James’ Nazi photos seem that much more bizarre.
- Viola Davis should have given the wig she didn’t wear to Kelly Osbourne or Cameron Diaz!
- Ironically, watching Billy Crystal tell lame, tired jokes makes me want to hurl gay slurs.
It was the safe Oscars; from safe dresses, to safe host and even safer jokes. But what do you expect when even the best film of the year barely utters a word? I can only imagine what the Oscars will look like if Santorum is elected. Lawd have mercy.
So for your consideration… the Oscar recap.
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Levonia: Brooklyn In Effect
- January 29, 2012
- Faces, Gay, Levonia Jenkins
The 2012 Golden Globes
- January 16, 2012
- Award Shows, Golden Globes
Things learned watching the 2012 Golden Globes:
1. By bringing back a fingerless glove, crucifix and her black roots, Madonna proved her face isn’t the only old thing that’s new again.
2. The one person funnier than Melissa McCarthy… is her stylist.
3. Sidney Poitier is the new Kirk Douglas.
4. Apparently, Jane Fonda found the Fountain of Youth on Golden Pond.
5. Despite everything he’s done musically and all his AIDS charity work, if Elton John doesn’t chill and loosen up his girdle, he’ll just be remembered as a bitter old queen.
6. It’s 1999 again because Harvey Weinstein really is back on top.
7. Kelly Osbourne’s hair needs to be put down.
8. Sofia Vergara’s days may be numbered, because Salma’s back!
9. Ryan Gosling not showing up is cruel and unusual punishment.
10. Zooey Deschanel has sideburns.
It was the Washout Globes. From all the blah beige gowns to all the blah non-standout moments, this year’s Golden Globes were as funny and original as an episode of “Whitney.”
You know the drill. Here’s my two cents, so feel free to send me yours!
–Johnny Lopez
The 2011 American Music Awards
- November 21, 2011
- American Music Awards, Award Shows
Things learned watching the 2011 American Music Awards:
1. There is something called Hot Chelle Rae. Who knew?
2. Driving the Fiat is the new jumping the shark.
3. Based on screen time, Taylor Swift & Selena Gomez were the only celebs in the audience.
4. Kelly Clarkson is a huge star.
5. Will.i.am needs a time out.
6. Pit Bull has to decide whether he’s Team Lopez or Team Skeletor already.
7. All music acts with the last name Perry are contractually bound to have bad hair.
8. Love her or hate her, Lady Gaga makes for good award show television. We missed you Stefani!
9. The only person Xtina hates seeing more than her trainer … Adam Levine!
10. Three words: Justin. Bieber. Shufflin’. That’s some serious L-wordMFAO!
First of all, apologies if you read some of these comments via my FB updates. If not, well then here’s my two cents about last night’s AMAs.
Xo
Johnny Lopez
P.S. You can’t tell but I was driving a Fiat while writing this!
2011 Emmys
- September 19, 2011
- Award Shows, Emmys
Things learned watching the 2011 Emmy Awards:
1. I watch way too much reality TV because I’ve never heard about a quarter of these scripted shows. “Detroit 187” who? “Justified” what?
2. If Kate Winslet agrees to do anything on television, you damn well better give her an award.
3. From Julie Bowen to Melissa McCarthy to Peter Dinklage, this year’s winners really did come in all shapes and sizes.
4. They still make TV miniseries.
5. With a record number of musical numbers and gay references, the Emmys are the new Tonys.
6. And on the seventh day God created … Sofia Vergara.
7. Michael Bolton performances should come with a warning, ear plugs and a five second delay.
8. I have a new celebrity crush/obsession – newly skinny and hot “Enoturage” star Jerry Ferrara. Wowza!
9. Ellen, Neil Patrick Harris, Queen Latifah, Hugh Jackman and now Jane Lynch – see, only gays can host award shows! That being said, I think Eddie Murphy will do a swell job at the Oscars.
10. They opened a really good Abbey in downtown LA? Who knew?
I interrupt your regularly scheduled episode of “Real Housewives” or “Jersey Shore” to bring you this scripted television award show recap. Feel free to tell me your thoughts, critiques and/or praises!
-Johnny Lopez
2011 VMAs
- August 29, 2011
- Award Shows, VMA
Things learned watching the 2011 VMAs:
1. It’s amazing how much of Lady Gaga’s creativity, effort and nonsense it takes to bore me.
2. I love Jessie J’s performances – all 37 one-second of them!
3. Britney and Amy Winehouse both get tributes. You do the math.
4. Thanks to her post-rehab look, I can now tell the difference between Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez. I think.
5. Chris Brown should join the circus. No, really.
6. With everyone and their protégé trying so damn hard these days, Britney’s complete lack of innovation, effort or hair care is downright refreshing y’all.
7. The VMAs have become about as edgy as the Kids Choice Awards. Someone slime Jo Calderone!
Here are some words about last night’s VMAs. I’d love to hear yours.
-Johnny Lopez
2011 Oscars
- February 28, 2011
- Award Shows, Oscars
Things I learned watching the 83rd Annual Academy Awards:
1. They didn’t need a host, they needed FEMA … because it was a disaster zone.
2. James Franco & Anne Hathaway are the new Rob Lowe & Snow White.
3. More Kirk Douglas, please.
4. The world is seriously fucked up when someone like Jennifer Hudson introduces Gwyneth Paltrow’s, er, singing.
5. The only person watching the Oscars and laughing was Ricky Gervais.
6. Melissa Leo is as classy as her character in “The Fighter.”
7. Annette Bening is now on suicide watch.
8. Everyone and their mother brought their mother as their date.
9. Some award shows could actually use Lady Gaga in an egg.
It’s actually dumb to complain about how bad the Oscars are, because that’s partly why we all watch them. That being said, they were particularly awful. Adding to that was the lack of star power (no Julia, Tom, Johnny, Cameron, Salma, George, J.Lo, Brangelina, etc.), no Bjork outfits and no upsets. The entire night was about as interesting as a CBS sitcom.
As always, feel free to send me your thoughts and comments to thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.
–Johnny Lopez
Levonia: Going back to Cali
- January 23, 2011
- Faces, Gay, Levonia Jenkins
2011 Golden Globes
- January 17, 2011
- Award Shows, Golden Globes
Things learned watching the 2011 Golden Globes:
1. Nolan Miller must be dressing Hollywood again because I haven’t seen that many shoulder pads, sequins and sparkle since Dynasty’s Moldavian massacre.
2. I’m going to miss Ricky Gervais.
3. Christina Aguilera needs a water pill.
4. Tilda Swinton and Helena Bonham Carter need a reality show together.
5. With wins by Glee, Chris Colfer, Jane Lynch, Jim Parsons, Burlesque, Kids Are All Right, Annette Bening, and Scott Rudin, the Globes were so gay (and I mean that in a great way!) they made the Tonys look like a Yes on 8 rally.
6. Natalie Portman’s laugh will haunt your nightmares.
7. No matter what Sandy says, Scarlett Johansson and Sandra Bullock were kept on opposite ends of the telecast for a reason.
8. “Social Network” will probably win an Oscar, as MySpace gets ready to fold. It’s crazy how things change in 5 years … just ask Jennifer Lopez’s career.
As always, send me your thoughts and comments to thejohnnylopez@gmail.com
2010 American Music Awards
- November 22, 2010
- American Music Awards, Award Shows
Things learned from watching the 2010 American Music Awards:
1. Either the Nokia Theatre is cursed, or good live performances are about as dead as Lindsay Lohan’s career.
2. Between Taylor Swift’s wig and Train’s glitter pants, the music biz has completely raided the “Hanna Montana” hair and wardrobe closet.
3. Somebody put baby in the corner and chloroform the Black Eyed Peas.
4. Since acting and singing aren’t working, Miley Cyrus really needs a viable exit strategy.
5. Not since Bush/Cheney has anyone fooled the American public as well as Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.
6. Christina Aguilera is a huge singer.
7. Justin Bieber proves “It Gets Better.”
8. Ke$ha has everyone beat in one department, she knows lip-synching can be your friend.
9. Being married to Gwen Stefani takes a toll on a man.
10. There are no winners in the BSBNKOTB reunion tour.
Last night can best be summed up by the following question: What if you threw a music award show and no one sang well?
As always send me any feedback to my email at: thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.
Be thankful it’s over.