January 2020 - J.LO | The Johnny LopezJ.LO | The Johnny Lopez

The funniest thing about all the outrage over Ricky Gervais taking jabs at the Hollywood elite during his Golden Globes opening monologue is how Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh got similar backlash for being too nice hosting last year’s show. Damned if you do …

With the threat of war, fires and a President that lobs lies and insults at every one, including teenagers, in his path, it’s no wonder even Brad Pitt is pleading that everyone be a little nicer to each other.

All that being said, I still think there’s room to step back and laugh at some of the sillier things in life, like $5000 gowns. At least I hope.

So enjoy my lighthearted take on this year’s Globes. If you don’t, please feel free to call me out on social media … because I could really use the followers!

Ramy Youssef  – Never seen him or his show before, but legit thought it was some sort of sketch with a female comedian like Sarah Silverman dressed in male drag. Oopsies!

Elton John – With his new weave on point, statement jewelry and rose-colored glasses, Sir Elton was ready for his first win with longtime lyricist Bernie Taupin. The Bitch is Back!

Kathy Bates – Just for the record, Elton did not do a costume change. How dare you? Rude!

Sofia Vergara & Matt Bomer – Both are sickeningly gorgeous, but if Matt was her true gay BFF he’d make sure she didn’t wear problematic designers like Dolce & Gabbana. Google “synthetic children.”

Kerry Washington – What in Olivia Pope hell?! Scandal, indeed. This needs to be handled, stat! Where’s Momoa’s tank top when you need it? Once and for all, can we please leave the thirsty plunging neckline where it belongs; next to the couture remains of J.Lo’s iconic yet overhyped 2000 Versace. RIP.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge – If we can’t have Amy & Tina, then please give us Phoebe as next year’s host. It’s the master of ceremonies we need and deserve. Thanks, Obama!

Kate McKinnon – On second thought, give us Kate! That speech! A coming out story always gets me. Despite the funny jokes and the heartfelt anecdotes, I found myself overly thinking about how, unlike McKinnon, I was not 13 when the now-legendary Ellen episode aired in 1997. #Old

Ellen DeGeneres – Despite the Kevin Hart trash fire, the George Bush mess and all the working at Ellen show stories, I still think her coming out in 1997 and subsequent downfall just months before Will & Grace premiered should never be forgotten. Not all heroes wear capes and not all heroes are perfect, but she was the LGBT hero who stepped up when others wouldn’t. So Imma focus on that right now.

Side note, Portia and Ellen are morphing into Brad & Gwyneth circa 1995.

Daniel Craig & Ana de Armas – They’ve now starred in Knives Out and the upcoming Bond film No Time Left to Die together. Rachel Weisz is issuing the Cuban actress a cease and desist as we speak. Ai yi yi!

Margot Robbie –  Her driver must have made a wrong turn on Benedict Canyon and wound up at the Globes instead of the upscale bridal shower in the Palisades where this would have slayed.

Taylor Swift – Florals? For spring? Groundbreaking.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Everyone has a lot to say about Gwynnie’s look, but I am so here for her sheer mocha prairie dress. It’s part slave Leia in Return of the Jedi, part belly dancer and 100% insane. But this is what we rarely see these days; a major star, taking a major risk. This is our ’80s Cher moment. This is our heir to Celine Dion‘s reverse tux. This is Demi Moore‘s Oscar bike shorts repurposed for a new generation. Somewhere in Valley Village, Lara Flynn Boyle is looking at her 2003 ballerina tutu and attempting to smile. Brava, Mrs. Paltrow-Falchuck. Brava!

Laura Dern – Serving us cool Topanga Canyon Auntie meets sexy Mrs. Roper realness. She may have made a bundt, but don’t worry, it’s laced.

Dakota Fanning – You might want to doublecheck, but I believe Dak wore this to the I Am Sam premiere in 2001. #Throwback

Lisa Bonet & Jason Momoa – Exclusive! First look at the cover of Anne Rice’s new gothic novel.

Patricia Arquette – Commanding attention, taking no prisoners and snatching trophies with a severe haircut while wearing sunglasses indoors. Anna Wintour is shook. The Devil Wears whatever the fuck she wants.

Jodie Comer & Olivia Colman – With apologies to Jennifer Lopez, but Jodie and Olivia were hands downs my favorite Christmas ornaments of the night. As an added bonus, it appears Eddie Murphy’s recent SNL appearance influenced Jodie’s refreshing take on Gumby chic.

Charlize Theron – Not my favorite look, but since Thou Shalt Not Use Charlize’s Name in Vain, I’ll just reiterate how amazing she is as Megyn Kelly in Bombshell.  Or in anything actually. Charlize makes everything better. Just imagine if Gwyneth wore this. Y’all be trashing it extra HARD.

Cate Blanchett – It’s Cate on a half shell. Listen, when you have two Oscars, going to the Globes is all about having a laugh. Mission accomplished.

Michelle Williams – Her personal and poignant pro-choice speech was especially powerfully as she’s currently pregnant with her second child. Wow, that’s a lot of Ps. Needless to say, I stand with Michelle Williams and I stand with Planned Parenthood.  Also, she’s excellent in Fosse/Verdon.

Wesley Snipes – I think this whole Urkel at a ’70s wedding vibe is actually working for him. Which says a lot since prior to Dolemite, everything he’s done in the last 15 years has been straight to video.

Jennifer Lopez – Just like Tulsi Gabbard, J.Lo voted PRESENT. While impeaching her stylist might be a little harsh, they should at least be censured for committing such a treasonous act against an American icon. We will rebuild.

Fun fact: Paul Rudd and Jennifer Lopez are both 50. FIFTY. CINCUENTA. FIVE. ZERO!

Brad Pitt – George Clooney, who? Old school Robert Redford, what? 56-year-old Brad Pitt, yaaaassss!

Adam Driver – Don’t feel bad for Adam losing. Like Rami Malek and Taron Ergeton before him, as soon as they greenlight the Marilyn Manson biopic, award show gold is all his. I can already hear him singing, “The beautiful people, the beautiful people!”

Billy Porter – Phew! I was getting nervous for Billy. With his over-the-top, gender-bending red carpet ensembles reaching a Gaga-level of ubiquituousness, I was afraid his fashion theatrics would become so expected that they’d barely bat a lash or worse, relegate him to gay clown purgatory. Luckily, the Pose star leveled up by toning it down. The white tux with detachable feather train brought the drama, but without the buffonery. He later removed the fluffy embellishment and let his natural fierceness make the boldest statement. Sashay you stay, Pray Tell.

Awkwafina – The Farewell officially ushers in her arrival.  Making history as the first woman of Asian descent to win a Golden Globe for lead actress in a comedy (altho that film is equally a drama), Awkwafina’s star is clearly on the rise. She’s the new queen of Queens! And if you have a problem with her ruffled Karl Lagerfeld-esque collar on her Dior ensemble then tawk to da hand!

Glenn Close – While last year’s Oscars proved she’s no Golden Girl (#JusticeForGlenn), this is  quite possible the best Bea Arthur has ever looked.

Renée Zellweger – Welcome to the Renéeassaince. She’s back & coming for all your gigs, ladies!

Sandra Bullock – Love that despite Bird Box, Sandy has reached that level of unannounced final award presenter in the footsteps of Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts and Denzel Washington. When you’re 56 and haven’t aged in 20 years ala JLo & PRudd,  everyone can just step aside.

Beyoncé and Jay Z – Or was it Dominique Deveraux and Coolio?

Until next time, check out my review of CATS below. Happy New Year!

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION — MY ‘CATS’ MOVIE REVIEW