Award Shows | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

The 91st Academy Awards started on the wrong foot months before anyone entered THE MALL that houses the Dolby Theatre. (You didn’t forget that the Oscars are held at a mall, right?!)

The Kevin Hart debacle & deciding to go hostless, all the misfires with the categories, Kendrick Lamar & SZA not performing their nominated song & the vocal dissent of Green Book and Bohemian Rhapsody from the communities they were allegedly trying to represent. It was a disaster waiting to happen and in the end I thought it all came out … just fine.

Here’s the thing, sometimes bad is, at the least, more memorable and, perhaps, better than just fine.

I didn’t really miss having a host and thought things were moving along faster than usual since they nixed the endless montages, skits and inevitable attempts to go viral. I’m talking to you Ellen & NPH.

Even the red carpet was fine. But at the Oscars, we need a statement. We want some drama. We deserve the WOW! While the days of Bjork swan dresses are now relegated to thirsty headline-chasing C-list Deplorables at the Grammys, I’ll take Rachel Weisz‘s red latex American Horror Story over Laura Dern‘s basic ’90s bridesmaid any day. (I still love you, Laura!)

On a positive note, I will say it was fantastic seeing a broader representation of winners, as women and people of color accepted awards in 16 out of 24 categories. And possibly the best line of the night was uttered by 25-year-old Iranian-American filmmaker Rayka Zehtabchi (right) as she accepted the award for Best Documentary Short: “I can’t believe a movie about menstruation just won an Oscar.” Period. End of Sentence, indeed.

1. Adam Lambert – Welcome to the Grammys Oscars! I am so here for an openly gay man kicking off  the Oscars by paying tribute to the body of work of a legendary gay bisexual gay bisexual rock star that was the subject of a huge box office hit under a set adorned with a drag queen’s blonde wig. You betta, werk! Not bad for a guy who came in second on American Idol. Also, watching Allison Janney, Queen Latifah, Javier Bardem, et al. wave their arms in the air is more unity than we’d ever get from any Kevin Hart homophobic tweet monologue.


2. Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph – In the name of the Tina, the Amy and the Holy Maya, save us from the next 3 and a half hours. Also, I have on good authority that Maya is wearing drapes from a Pigeon Forge, Tennessee AirBnB and that’s fine by me!


3. Regina King – Brenda from 227 just did that! Absolutely stunning. Beale Street is gagging!!!


4. Rachel Weisz – Oops she spit in my mouth again! The correct question is not, who are you wearing, (Givenchy!), but, what is your safe word? Forget Vanity Fair or Madonna’s, I want to know what after-party she’s dom topping at?


5. Emma Stone – Never has serving burnt waffles with a failed honey bee colony glaze over a grimy BBQ grill looked so glamorous. So glad she’s not in pants again!


6. Stephan James – Red velvet if you please! Someone DM me when Zara knocks this off. I need this. I don’t have anywhere to wear this, but I will. Winner: Best dressed male.


7. Ruth E. Carter, Hannah BeachlerBlack Panther costume & production design winners. Giving us talent, LEWKS and great speeches. Proof that “smaller categories” should not be given out during commercials. And their best is definitely more than enough.


8. Jennifer Lopez – J.Lo has been bringing it to the Academy Awards red carpet since 1997 (right) & she never disappoints. NEVER. People love to bash her acting & singing, but being a mutha fuckin’ STAR is a talent deserving of an honorary Oscar, a biopic and an animated short. And besides, Second Act might have been the most fun I had at the movies this year. Yep, I said it.


9. Chris Evans – I need Chris Evans, his green velvet blazer & this to be a romcom, immediately! What’s that? Oh, snap! Second Act 2 has just been greenlit.


10. Alfonso Cuaron – With three wins for Roma (my favorite film of the year) and two previous wins for Gravity, the Mexican director is building a wall …of Oscar statues. Si se puede!


11. Jennifer Hudson – JHud has an Oscar, 2 Grammys and can blow the roof off the Dolby Theater on any given Sunday. Not bad for someone who came in 7th on Amercian Idol.


12. Brian May – He’s the lead guitarist in Queen, but his hair is straight out of The Favourite. #HouseOfLordsRhapsody


13. Dana Owens – Queen Latifah introducing a movie about lesbian royalty may have been The Favourite moment at every Oscar view party from West Hollywood to Hell’s Kitchen.


14. Angela Bassett & Javier Bardem – She’s Black & 60 & he’s Latin & 50 (on Friday), but they’re both white HOT. Dayum! Ok, but what I want to know is: where was Penelope Cruz? Seriously, do we need to be concerned?


15. Bette MidlerJoy Behar, is that you? 73 & fab-u-lous! The Divine Miss M was Mary Poppin’ out of that dress.  Now I need to watch “Otto Titsling” from Beache, again.


16. Charlize Theron – She’s back, honey and so is her Aeon Flux hair game proper. Mennonite chic. Cult wife glamour. Late 19th century school marm for your nerves. Yes, YES, YAASSS! On anyone else it would be complete and utter failure, but Charlize can do no wrong in my book. Only two more spots left next to J.Lo & Charlize on the Mount Rushmore of Hollywood Fashion. Also, go watch Tully, because you must.


17. Mahershala Ali – And just like that he became the 12th straight star to win an Oscar for playing gay.


18. Michelle Yeoh & Pharrell – The epitome of every straight couple on any date night anywhere in the USA  — she’s dressed to the nines and he’s in shorts.


19. Kacey Musgraves & Linda Cardellini -Their colors are blush & bashful. Fresh off the runway of the 1968 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. They both told their stylists they wanted looks that went from day to nightgown. So in that sense it was a success.


20. Gemma Chan – No offense to Crazy Rich Asians, but Angelyne’s duvet is now the funniest thing she’s been in.


21. Mike Myers & Dana Carvey – Oh mama mia, mama mia! This L-Word reboot looks interesting.


22. Diego Luna & Jose Andres – One cooks hot dishes, the other is a hot dish, and they both hate Trump. Dinner is served!


23. Paul Rudd – He’s turning 50 this year and hasn’t aged in 20 years. That’s him in ’99 (right).The male Jennifer Lopez lives!


24. Lady Gaga – Last night she broke the internet! Kidding aside, the Gaga-ssance since 2013’s ArtFlop has been astounding. 2 Super Bowls, 2 Oscar performances, Grammy wins and now her own actual Academy Award. #ForYourConsideration


25. Bradley Cooper – Somewhere in all the Gaga ASIB buzz I forgot he was even nominated for Best Actor. But just like Glenn Close, he has 7 Oscar nominations & 0 wins. If nothing else, at least the “Shallow” duet – reprising the chemistry between Jackson Maine & Ally – was a win.


26. Spike Lee & Barbra Streisand –  No sleep til Brooklyn! Also, when one of your Oscars is for Best Song from a previous version of A Star Is Born, but you introduce BlacKkKlansman instead, that’s a read.


27. Rami Malek – Adorable. And just like that he becomes the 13th straight star to win an Oscar for playing LGBT. His speech wasn’t as good as Tom Hanks for Philadelphia, but at least he said: “We made a film about a gay man, an immigrant who lived his life unapologetically as himself.” Mentioning HIV/AIDS, Freddie Mercury by name and for the first time somebody acknowledging the Bryan Singer mess would have quelled at least some of the film’s backlash. But probably not.


28. Olivia Colman – And just like that she becomes the 14th straight star to win an Oscar for playing LGBT.  The gasp! The upset! The speech! In a night full of Queens, Olivia ascended her throne & into America’s hearts. My only question, is she truly the lead in The Favourite?


29. Glenn Close …but still so far! I bend the knee to Glenda Veronica of the House of Close, First of her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the 7 Nominations, Lady of the World According to Garp, Protector of The Big Chill and The Natural, Breaker of Fatal Attractions, Dangerous Liaisons & Albert Knobbs, Khaleesi of The Wife, Slayer of Gaga, Mother of Acting, Rightful Heir to the Oscar Throne. Vengence is hers & Winter is coming! #GlennOfThrones


30. Frances McDormand – Her Tony Award-winning denim jacket has been overthrown by her Oscar-presenting Birkenstocks!  She’s doesn’t give AF and it’s iconic. Even without a Grammy, give her the EGOT because I can’t stop singing her praises. Putting her next to J.LO & Charlize on the Mount. Don’t be fooled, a FASHION LEGEND walks among us… in sensible shoes!


31. Billy Porter – Category is: YOU OWN EVERYTHANG! Call security and a nurse, because there is a man in a gown on the red carpet & he just slayed the house down boots! This is the drama. This is the statement. This is the WOW we’ve been waiting for. NYC ball culture was honored. History was made. And we all got served! Halloween costume shopping starts now.


32. Cicely Tyson – You guys, Cicely was born in 1924. She is 94. NINETY-FOUR. And she showed up wearing all of this last night to pick up her honorary Oscar. They technically gave it to her in November at the Governors Awards, but this needs to be praised, respected and meditated upon for generations to come. We are not worthy. J.Lo, Charlize, Frances & Cicely. The Mount is now complete.


33. Selma Blair – The 46-year-old walked her first red carpet since revealing her MS diagnosis. Amazing. Please read her Instagram post.

 

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There are moments that define us. This is one of those indelibly watermarked in my heart. This is #troynankin ; my former publicist turned manager , best friend , and fake husband. We joke. I have become a different woman in the last few years, through struggles and the intense pride of motherhood. @vanityfair has always been a champion of mine, like Troy. And yet, I have not fully realized my capabilities as an actress. I wanted to be at this red carpet to remember my first time attending with a not yet famous friend, @jakegyllenhaal . I believed in him and his career and wanted him there. And this dinner always symbolizes so much. And I kept going because it was always a night in hollywood that was full of hollywood dreams with all the talent present in their glory. I loved to watch. I was invited this year. I am featured in March issue . Thank you @radhikajones @kristasmith @samiranasr #juliemiller @cassblackbird . So this was a streak of light. To say I am here. I am still in an exacerbation so there was some nervousness. I don’t do anything the way I was once able. I will though. I can regain much. Mommas gotta work. And I will be able to do so much more on my own, But this man. Until that comes …This man and a host of others light the way and hold the moon @thetexastroya was a hero. Wanting me to shine brightly in a time that can be so challenging. He knew I wanted to be able to stand proudly as the woman I have become and hope to be. To be a part of something so special when my body won’t move clearly yet. And then I felt the love from the photographers who have watched me goof around on red carpets since I was in my twenties. I felt the warmth of the bulbs. The strength of my gown. His attentive touch. And still I hoped my brain could send signals for the remainder of my time there. And I sobbed. And I appreciated every single second. Every surprising tear, he was there. As he has always been. And that is the reason I could. Thank you Troy. We got me just where I wanted to be. For a night. And I later pushed my way into a family photo with @dianaross (omg) . So much to post but not before this one. True love. Right here. Forever.

A post shared by Selma Blair (@selmablair) on


34. Julia Roberts – Gorgeous woman! Fun fact: If you present Best Picture you are Hollywood royalty & Julia was the first solo female presenter of Best Picture since Barbra Streisand in ’91.  That was 28 years ago. Seriously WTF, Academy?! And are we sure there wasn’t another Warren Beatty/Faye Dunaway LA LA Land/Moonlight mix up? Are we sure it said Green Book?  Where’s the envelope? Did Jussie Smollett send it? Recount!


35. Madonna & Lady Gaga – If you haven’t heard, there is now gay world peace, Trump is no longer president, universal healthcare is the law of the land and Jake Gyllenhaal finally received his Oscar for Nightcrawler. Sleep well, Earthlings. Don’t @ me. Good night!

ICYMI: 11 STRAIGHT STARS WHO WON OSCARS FOR PLAYING GAY … 

 

UPDATE: On Sunday, Mahershala Ali, Rami Malek & Olivia Colman became the 12th, 13th & 14th straight stars to win Oscars for playing LGBT characters.

 

Sunday is the Gay Super Bowl and Adam Levine will not be taking off his shirt!

And while this year’s Oscar ceremony has been plagued with a series of misfires, starting with the whole Kevin Hart homophobic tweets debacle, it promises to deliver plenty of gay content with the usual A-list red carpet arrivals and performances by Lady Gaga, Bette Midler, Kendrick Lamar & SZA, Jennifer Hudson, and Adam Lambert with Queen.

In addition, seven of the 20 acting nominees  – Rami Malek (Bohemian Rhapsody), Mahershala Ali (Green Book), Monique Colman, Rachel Weisz, Emma Stone (The Favourite), Melissa McCarthy and Richard E. Grant (Can You Ever Forgive Me) – portray LGBT characters while being actively straight in their private lives. Progressive!

While that’s all fine and good, this year, unless alleged bisexual Lady Gaga wins for Best Actress, there will once again be no openly LGBT star taking home the gold for acting. In fact, no OPENLY GAY person has ever won an Oscar for acting.

Although there have been several openly LGBT Oscar winners including Sam Smith (song), Elton John (song), Scott Rudin (film), Bill Condon (screenplay), Melissa Etheridge (song) and director Pedro Almodovar (foreign-language film, original screenplay), none have been in the acting categories.

LGBT thespians like Jodie Foster, Kevin Spacey, Joel Grey, Charles Laughton, Janet Gaynor and Marlon Brando have all won Oscars for acting, but were not publicly out at the time, if ever.

The only one that comes close is Sir John Gielgud, who won Best Supporting Actor in 1982 for Arthur.  But whether he was out at the time is debateable, as he never publicly discussed his private life.

So while there’s been no truly loud & proud queer acting winners, there have been nearly a dozen openly straight actors who have received the coveted 8.5 lb golden trophy of a chiseled, bald, muscular man for playing an LGBT character. A character, who, more often than not, leads a tragic life and winds up dead by the end. For your consideration, bury your gays!

And while I have no problem with straight actors playing gay, a shout out to the community in your acceptance speech is always a welcome gesture.

So here are the 11 stars who bravely went gay for pay, won an Oscar, and then gave LGBT inclusive (and not-so inclusive) acceptance speeches.

*WARNING! SPOILER ALERTS INCLUDED!*

1. William Hurt in 1986 for Kiss of the Spider-Woman

Hurt, a white cis straight man, won Best Actor for playing Molina, a South American transgender woman jailed in a Brazilian prison for having sex with a minor.  After working for the secret police and falling in love with a fellow prisoner (sexy Raul Julia), she is set free. Not long after, Molina winds up shot by revolutionaries and her body dumped in a pit by police. Roll credits!

In his acceptance speech, Hurt made no specific mention of the LGBT community, but did thank “the courageous people in Brazil with whom I made this film.”

Side note: Brazilian actress Sonia Braga shines as the aforementioned Spider-Woman and who Sex and the City fans might recognize as Samantha’s lesbian lover in a few episodes.

2. Tom Hanks in 1994 for Philadelphia

Hanks won his first Best Actor Oscar playing Andy Beckett, a gay corporate lawyer who sues his firm after being fired for AIDS discrimination.  With the help of a homophobic personal injury lawyer (played by Denzel Washington), Beckett winds up winning $5 million in damages. Denzel’s character manages to overcome his homophobia just in time to allow himself to physically touch Beckett’s face, who then dies in a hospital surrounded by his lover Miguel (Antonio Banderas). Cue the Springsteen song!

In his acceptance speech, Hanks thanked his gay drama teacher and a fellow gay former classmate. Those words would later lead to the inspiration for the 1997 film In & Out starring Kevin Kline.

I mention their names because they are two of the finest gay Americans, two wonderful men that I had the good fortune to be associated with, to fall under their inspiration at such a young age. I wish my babies could have the same sort of teacher, the same sort of friends.

But it’s because of Hanks’ emotional homage to the millions of people who had died from AIDS that this speech is often considered one of the best in Oscars history.

I know that my work in this case is magnified by the fact that the streets of heaven are too crowded with angels. We know their names. They number a thousand for each one of the red ribbons that we wear here tonight. They finally rest in the warm embrace of the gracious creator of us all. A healing embrace that cools their fevers, that clears their skin, and allows their eyes to see the simple, self-evident, common sense truth that is made manifest by the benevolent creator of us all and was written down on paper by wise men, tolerant men, in the city of Philadelphia two hundred years ago. God bless you all. God have mercy on us all. And God bless America.

3. Hilary Swank in 2000 for Boys Don’t Cry

The former Beverly Hills 90210 star won her first Best Actress Oscar portraying Brandon Teena, a transgender man who was brutally raped and murder by two cis men in Nebraska in 1993.

While forgetting to thank her then husband Chad Lowe made all the headlines, her final words are what truly needed to be lauded, especially back in March 2000.

I want to thank Brandon Teena for being such an inspiration to us all. His legacy lives on through our movie to remind us to always be ourselves, to follow our hearts, to not conform. I pray for the day when we not only accept our differences but celebrate our diversity.

4. Nicole Kidman in 2003 for The Hours

Kidman notched Best Actress by donning a prosthetic schnoz (The Kidman Nose™) to play bipolar, bisexual author Virginia Woolf, who committed suicide by drowning in 1941.

In her speech, Kidman didn’t reference gays, Woolf, or her nose, but she did use part of it to honor families and soldiers torn apart by the start of the recent war with Iraq.

Fun fact: Due to the invasion, traditional red carpet arrivals were cancelled & no one did press interviews. #Homophobic

Another standout moment from her speech was that Kidman was accompanied in the audience by Bella, her rarely seen Scientologist daughter with ex Tom Cruise.  That’s gotta count as some sort of gay bonus points, right?

5. Charlize Theron in 2004 for Monster

Theron gained weight, lost her brows and cancelled her Dry Bar appointments to transform into lesbian serial killer Aileen Wournos. While Theron became the first African woman to win Best Actress, in real life Wournos was exectued by lethal injection in 2002.

As would be expected, Theron made no mention of Wournos in her speech, but she did thank: “Tony G for transforming me.” So there’s that.

6. Philip Seymour Hoffman in 2006 for Capote

Hoffman took home Best Actor for playing out gay author Truman Capote in the biopic that centers on the events that led up to writing In Cold Blood.  Sadly, Hoffman and Capote’s real-life struggles with drugs and alcohol were factors in both of their early deaths.

Hoffman didn’t bring up Capote in the speech, but did give an especially poignant shout out to his mother and what mama’s boy doesn’t love that? Totes gay!

7. Penelope Cruz in 2009 for Vicky Cristina Barcelona

The Spanish star won Best Supporting Actress for her role as spirited bisexual Maria Elena, who begins a thrupple relationship with her real-life husband Javier Bardem and Scarlett Johansson in the Woody Allen romcom. Not only did she get an Oscar, but her character is still alive at the end. Baby steps!

In her speech, Cruz thanked out gay director Pedro Almodovar, with whom she often works, for creating many great female characters and letting her be apart of “so many of his adventures.”

8. Sean Penn in 2009 for Milk

Madonna’s ex-husband won his second Best Actor Oscar for portraying slain gay rights icon Harvey Milk.

The 2009 ceremomy occurred just months after Prop 8 passed banning gay marriage in California and Penn used his time to call out the Deplorables haters.

I think it’s a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren’s eyes if they continue in that way of support. We’ve got to have equal rights for everyone.

Also of note, out Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black won the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay.

9. Natalie Portman in 2011 for Black Swan

Portman danced away with Best Actress for playing a ballerina in the psychological thriller, but it was her trippy girl-on-girl sex scene with Mila Kunis that really gets a standing, or is it lying down, O. It’s unclear what is real or not in the whole movie, but her fate by the end of the film doesn’t look good.

While she didn’t acknowledge her sapphic scene, Portman did give shout outs to “people on the film that no one ever talks about that are your heart and soul every day” like hair & makeup (gay), wardrobe stylists (probably gay) and camera operators (definitely lesbians!).

10. Christopher Plummer in 2012 for Beginners

Plummer won Best Supporting Actor for playing an elderly widower who comes out of the closet following the death of his wife. Although the character dies from cancer, he does manage to find love with a younger man and forges a new closer relationship with his adult son (Ewan McGregor).

After winning his first Oscar at the young age of 82, Plummer gave a career’s worth of thank yous to his handlers and family, but no nod to the gay community.

Fun fact: Plummer was nominated for Best Supporting Actor again in 2018 for All the Money in the World, a role he took only after Kevin Spacey was edited out of the completed film due to his sexual assault allegations. Oh and don’t forget, Spacey finally came out publicly while responding to those allegations. How lovely!

11. Jared Leto in 2014 for Dallas Buyer’s Club

Leto won Best Supporting Actor for playing Rayon, a drug addicted HIV-positive trans woman who eventually dies from AIDS-related complications.

Unlike his fellow Oscar-winning co-star Matthew McConaughey, Leto finished his acceptance speech by addressing the epidemic and those who inspired the role.

This is for the 36 million people who have lost the battle to AIDS. And to those of you out there who have ever felt injustice because of who you are or who you love, tonight I stand here in front of the world with you and for you.

Almost Extra Credit:

Cate Blanchett in 2005 for The Aviator

Blanchett won Best Supporting Actress for playing Katharine Hepburn in the Howard Hughes (Leonardo DiCaprio) biopic. While the legendary film icon’s sexuality had been the subject of rumors throughout her career, it was not addressed in the Martin Scorsese film.

Obviously, her speech makes no reference to Katharine’s sexuality or anything LGBT related.

But Blanchett would go on to receive her 7th Oscar nomination for playing a divorcée who begins a lesbian relationship with a younger woman in Carol. Suprisingly, it’s one LGBT movie that doesn’t end tragically.

Now we’ll have to wait until Sunday to see this if this list needs to be updated with Rami, Mahershala,  Olivia, et al.

As far as finally having an out LGBT Oscar winner for acting, that’s just one more positive thing I’m hoping to see happen in America in 2020.

The 91st Academy Awards air Sunday at 8pm ET/5pm PT on ABC.

ICYMI: THE BEST, WORST & THE WTF FROM THE 2019 GRAMMYS

If the 2019 Grammys had run any longer they would have had to tap Hoda and Kathie Lee to finish hosting. At three hours and 45 minutes, the show was endless, yet full of a slew of amazing female performances. Thankfully, my Super Bowl rant was heard and the DIVAS delivered.

Alicia, Dolly, Diana, Gaga, J.Lo, Cardi, Janelle, Kacey, Brandi, MICHELLE, the list goes on and on. It was ladies night and the feeling was oh so right.

So here are 25 things about this year’s show.


1. Gaga. Jada? Alicia. Michelle. J.Lo – aka The Moment! – Beyonce is shook! Michelle Obama turned the Grammys into the return of Divas Live. This almost makes up for the disaster that was the Super Bowl halftime show last week. Almost. This deserves a Vegas residency, a memoir and an EGOT.  Not only is  the internet broken, but all diseases have been cured, everyone has a perfect credit score and we’ve all subscribed to Jada’s Facebook Watch show. Ok, you’re right. Red Table Talk is taking it too far.


2. Alicia Keys – Styling by Rhoda Morganstern. But her performance was the actual Super Bowl halftime show we needed and deserved. Now unless homophobic tweets surface, Alicia can host the Oscars, the State of the Union and game night at your Aunt Beverly’s house. Sashay you stay, Alicia Augello Cook.


3. Lady Gaga – Hair. Body. Face. The bastard love child of Sammy Jo Carrington, Dale Bozzio from Missing Persons & late-90s Courtney Love. Three Grammy wins later, it’s Gaga’s world and we’re just living in it. I know many thought the performance was extra AF, but I’m all for seeing A Rock Star Is Born. Only two weeks until she tops off her amazing year by losing Best Actress to Glenn Close. Ha-ah-ah-ahhaaa-ah-ah-ah, haaawaah, ha-ah-ah-aaah!


4. Ricky Martin – Exactly 20 years since his career-changing performance of The Cup of Life at the ’99 Grammys that ignited the Latin Explosion, Ricky opened the show with a bilingual salsa-fied In the Heights-esque performance alongside Camila Cabello & J.Balvin that had me livin’ la vida loca. And just so you know, I absolutely have not been Googling white suits and mustache trimmers for the last 12 hours.


5. Shawn Mendes – Sorry Dua Lipa, but the real winner of Best New Artist goes to Shawn’s bare, buff, smooth, supple, loving arms!


6. Miley Cyrus – Dolly Parton duets and plunging necklines be damned, but long hair Miley will forever be Hannah Montana.


7. Kacey Musgraves – Katy Perry? Courteney Cox?  Kyle Richards? Paris Hilton in a wig? Who is Kacey Musgraves? She’s the rich white woman snatching all the trophies, that’s who. Get it, gurl.


8. Janelle Monae – Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to see Janelle Monae slay the house down boots! The Robert Palmer girls have been leveled up. She’s got her legs exposed & her sapphic Stormtroopers in tow, so Janelle is here, she’s queer and I can get used to this!


9. John Mayer – I hate to admit it, but I would totally let John Mayer cheat on me.


10 . Post Malone – There’s so much content here, but right now I’m most concerned with his camel toe.


11. Red Hot Chilli Peppers –  Larry, Daryl & Daryl have resurfaced! Now Bob Newhart  introducing Best New Artist makes even more sense, but the Chilli Peppers’ performance with Post Malone still does not.


12. Dolly Parton – Welcome to Dollywood! A stunning tribute, yet no one can do the 73-year-old justice. (Settle down, Katy!) It should give us all hope that there are only two types of people in this world: Dolly Parton fans and Dolly Parton super fans. Which one are you? #MakeAmericaDollyAgain


13. Cardi B –  You know it was her night when Cardi took the stage and yelled “Welcome to the Grammys!” … over an hour after the show started. The red carpet! The performance! The speech! All of it! QUEEN. History was made as the first female solo artist to win Best Rap Album. She’s CinderFuckingRella, but her evil Step Mother is gonna be pissed because she’s never won one. Also she needs a new Prince Charming. Okurrr!


14. Kylie Jenner & Meghan Trainor – There was a mix-up at the clown shop and they wore each other’s terrible outfit! Maybe I’m wrong and by next year Kris Jenner will have everyone wearing Kylie’s cattle (or is it kattle?) artificial insemination gloves. Regardless, send a pair to Meg!


15. Drake – Getting his speech cut was not the biggest indignity he suffered last night.


16. Diana Ross – Icon. Supreme. The Boss. And still no competitive Grammy wins! Zero. Drake was right, they don’t mean a thing. Her yelling “Happy Birthday to Me” is an anthem worthy of at least 3 Grammys, an all-star tribute and a Broadway musical. Dirty D!


17. Jennifer Lopez – What in Mexican telenovela hell is this? Jenny from the Cartel? The Norteño Grammys? Love makes you do stupid things, so I’m blaming this rare red carpet misfire on A.Rod. As for the Motown tribute, granted she may have been a very, very curious choice, but that performance proved she should have done the Super Bowl halftime show last year, this year & next year!


18. Smokey Robinson/Grey – The Grammy’s of the Damned …for that Motown tribute. I don’t know who Grey are, but a male blond duo hasn’t made an impression like this since Nelson.

 


19. Bebe Rexha – She said no designer wanted to dress her for the Grammys.  So she channeled her inner Anna Nicole and said “Like My Body!” …and they did.


20. St. Vincent & Dua Lipa – I am now a lesbian.  Take me to your leader, ladies! They were giving us L-Word in Space, the club scene in Basic Instinct minus Michael Douglas in a deep V & Jennifer Tilly/ Gina Gerson Bound realness. And I was here for all of it.


21. Yolanda Adams, Fantasia, Andra Day – I have nothing but R-E-S-P-E-C-T for their amazing voices. They did Aretha right. But they should have used some of their Black Girl Magic to find a stylist befitting of their talents. Seriously, Andra needs to send a cease & desist, stat! Say a little prayer.


22. Wilmer Valderrama – Damn, Papi.


23. Toni Braxton – The 51-year-old diva just won the 18-year challenge.


24. Weezer – Crockett & Tubbs could never! The OG hipster kings are living their best Miami Vice life, unironically.


25. Katy Perry – She tried it.


SPECIAL MENTION: Aida Cuevas – She’s the Queen of Ranchera Music, but now everyone will know her as the woman who wore Roseanne’s (I mean, The Conners’) couch to the Grammys. Pobrecita!

 

ICYMI: 20 THINGS YOU MISSED FROM THE SOTU SPEECH

 

They may be on an off-brand network, but the SAG Awards are doing something right. The show is a lean two hours with 15 categories, no overwrought numbers and presided over by a lowkey host.

With no homophobic tweet history to be found, Megan Mullally made it look easy, breezy and fun. She had some zingers, did a quick skit here and there, and mostly just let the show drive itself. No big whoop. So what? Who cares? And everyone goes home happy in time to watch Rent (not-so)Live on their DVR.

So whether you saw the SAGs or not, here are 15 moments that caught my eye.

1. Megan Mullally & Angela Bassett – This is 60. Icons & Legends only, the rest of us are all screwed.

2. Geoffrey Owens – Since the former Cosby Show star went from unemployed actor to front & center at the SAGs with multiple TV gigs just five months after being job shamed for working at Trader Joe’s, I’m expecting a big return from the universe for all those years of being shamed for buying 2 Buck Chuck. Seriously, hire me!

3. Matt Bomer & Ricky Martin – This made all the EPT results positive, melted all the Zara skinny jeans from Weho to Hells Kitchen and forced Mother to send Mike Pence immediately into a sensory deprivation chamber for the remainder of the Dump presidency. #TheRapture

4. Meg Ryan – Just kidding. Jane Fonda is the GOAT. Flawless!

5. Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper – (Today, the part of Halsey will be played by Anthony Ramos.) I have A Star Is Born PTSD, because anytime I see Ally Stefani & Brad standing on a stage together I can’t help but stare at his pants expecting it to happen again? Don’t do it, Jackson Maine!

Robin Wright – Category is: Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface goes to an award show and steals all the husbands realness. Based on this photo, Netflix has greenlit a House of Cards prequel where Claire Underwood time travels to the ’70s and for three seasons just dances and does coke at Studio 54. I’m so in!

Gabrielle Carteris – Here’s you’re annual reminder that while you were all chanting Donna Martin graduates, Andrea Zuckerman became SAG President!

Glenn Close & Michael Douglas – If you look real close you can see Lady Gaga boiling a rabbit behind them!

Patricia Arquette – If Patty can thank her co-stars, call out shady meal penalty infractions & praise Robert Mueller in a 90 second acceptance speech, you can get through Monday.

 

Awkwafina & Laverne Cox – This is the buddy comedy we need & deserve now!

Jason Bateman – So does best actor in drama series for Ozark mean he’s forgiven for mansplaining Jeffrey Tambor’s harassment of Jessica Walters on Arrested Development? Take your time.

Sandra Oh – Eve Polastri for the win again! And just like that Grey’s Anatomy is officially no longer her most defining role. RIP Cristina Yang.

Elisabeth Moss – Is the Scientolo-star slowly trading one cult for another? Praise be, the Deplorables?! If Leah Remini can’t save her, maybe Nancy Pelosi can!

Scott Bakula – I don’t watch NCIS: Dayton or whatever, but dayum grand zaddy! The 64-year-old has taken a quantum leap back in time.

Michael B. Jordan – What in S&M Laura Ashley floral hell is this?! Everyone lied to Michael B. Jordan. Louis Vuitton lied. Michael’s stylist lied. His publicist lied. The entire cast of Black Panther lied. Even Luenell lied and she had cougar spots sprayed into her head! This is not Michael B. Jordan’s fault. Michael B. Jordan has been wronged and we are all to blame. We all cheered on Timothee Chalamet & Adam Rippon‘s previous award show harness moments as fashion forward and edgy and then we turned around and put a glorified baby leash on Adonis Creed! On Johnny Storm!  On mutha fucking Killmonger?! We are all garbage and the only thing that can undue the damage is a celestial body. And by that I mean a photo of Michael B. Jordan shirtless.

Phew! My chakras have been cleansed, balance has been restored & all is right with the world. We must never see or speak of that again. Namaste!

If you didn’t watch the SAGs and chose to catch RENT (not-so) LIVE instead, here is a 15 second (Valentina-free) recap.

 

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525600 Real Housewives (sound on) …#LaVieCohen 💃🏼💃🏽💃🏻 #RentLive 🗣#RealHousewives

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PS: If you are keeping score, the Oscar frontrunners are now Glenn Close & Rami Malek for lead actress/actor, Mahershala Ali for supporting Actor (would be his second) and supporting actress a toss up between Amy Adams and Regina King. The Academy didn’t nominate SAG winner Emily Blunt. Stay tuned. #ForYourConsideration

Here’s the full SAG winners list:

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
Glenn Close in The Wife

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role
Mahershala Ali in Green Book

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role
Emily Blunt in A Quiet Place

Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture
Black Panther

Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Motion Picture
Black Panther

TELEVISION WINNERS

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Limited Series
Darren Criss in The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Limited Series
Patricia Arquette in Escape at Dannemora

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
Jason Bateman in Ozark

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series
Sandra Oh in Killing Eve

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series
Tony Shalhoub in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series
Rachel Brosnahan in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series
This Is Us

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Comedy or Drama Series
GLOW

The 55th Annual SAG Life Achievement Award
Alan Alda

We’ve seen fear take over our country & politics and it has now come to award shows as shown by Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh’s resistance to make any biting jokes at this year’s Golden Globes.

I feel that fear as well.

Are we allowed to make fun of things anymore? Will I be labeled a troll or a “hater?” Are fashion critiques in poor taste when so much real ugliness is happening around the world, at our border or down your street?

These are things that I have asked myself and why I haven’t really written a recap in almost two years.

But I decided to resist & not give in to that fear. We can walk and chew gum at the same time. We can give our attention to the important stuff & still enjoy the nonsense. In fact the nonsense is now called mental health. Thank you, Real Housewives, Hallmark movies and, yes, even perhaps, award show recaps.

I hope you enjoy my lighthearted take on this year’s Globes. If you don’t, please feel free to call me out on social media … because I could really use the followers!

Sandra Oh – I watched six episodes of Killing Eve on a flight from Miami and loved it almost as much as Sandra’s shout-out to her parents, her emotional words on the historic diversity moment and her opening monologue red Versace tux dress.

Andy Samberg – On a scale of 1 to 10, lame Ruth Chris Steakhouse jokes aside, he was a Brooklyn Nine point Nine.  “Lazy Sunday” Samberg has officially leveled up.

Lady Gaga -Blue hair. Body. Face. Poor Ally, this time Jackson Maine didn’t piss all over her award show moment, but Glenn Close did! So many gays are mad that the Globes didn’t give Gaga an acting award for A Star Is Born, but I’m still mad that the Globes gave Gaga an acting award for American Horror Story: Hotel.  Kidding aside, I thought she was good in ASIB & the music was great. But her Cinderalla at the Met Gala prom look was not. Fear not little monsters, the song Oscar is hers to lose.

Glenn Close – In the name of Alex Forrest, Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil & Albert Knobbs, Ms. Close is finally ready for her Oscar close-up! She really is that good in The Wife. An acting powerhouse whose time is long overdue & that acceptance speech may have just solidified it. Take the Fatal Attraction reunion kiss with Michael Douglas as proof that Glenn won’t be ignored this year.

Bradley Cooperde plane, de plane! Not exactly sure if he’s Mr. Rourke or Tattoo in that ice cream man white tux, but if you had told me in 2001 that the guy on Alias would one day become one of the industry’s most esteemed actors (and now) director, I’d say that was some sinister Fantasy Island shit.

Danai Gurira, Michael B. Jordan & Lupita Nyong’o – Wakanda Forever but cancel the CW, because this is the Dynasty reboot I want to see. Hey Netflix, I’ve found your new Alexis, Blake & Krystle Carrington.

Ben Whishaw & Mark Ronson – For the love of Propecia, this is what I call hair porn.

Jamie Lee Curtis – Activa does the body good! Laurie Strode murdered Michael Myers and turned into… Brigitte Nielsen?!  Oh and Ben Stiller, call me!

Patricia Arquette – Escape at Dannemora is a painfully slow burn that often times feels like a prison sentence, but so worth it for Patty’s insane performance. She’s unrecognizable & deserves everything!

Steve Carell – No joke, ain’t nothing funny about how good he looks. Steve Carell can get it. Thoughts & prayers for Welcome to Marwen.

Carol Burnett – If there’s one thing our divided shitshow of a nation can agree on is that we all love Carol. And while the word is thrown around so easily these days, CB truly is ICONIC.

Idris Elba & Taylor Swift – This is how you piss off Trump supporters. Their film adaptation of Cats is how you will piss off the entire country… now & forever!

Regina King – Her career is on fire, she’s never looked better and that inspiring don’t-you-dare-cue-the-orchestra acceptance speech! It’s Brenda from 227‘s world and we all just living in it.

Megan Mullally – I think Karen has been drinking from the Jennifer Lopez & Sandra Bullock fountain of youth. You go with your 60-year-old bad self Anastasia Beaverhausen! And hey, Kristen Bell.

Debra Messing – Hurry & grab a blinfold because this dress may be the closest we’ll ever get to seeing what the creatures in Bird Box looked like.

Mahershala Ali – With all the Green Book controversy, at least he doesn’t have to apologize for great acting.

Amy Poehler & Maya Rudolph– How many homophobic tweets does a girl have to have to get to host the Oscars?

Felicity Huffman – Looking like Brad Pitt-era Aniston!

Patricia Clarkson – So glad she won, but she should have also thanked closed captioning subtitles for allowing the world to figure out exactly what she was saying throughout her drunken southern drawl whispering in Sharp Objects.

Saoirse Ronan – Love her in everything, especially this custom made Gucci number!

Christian Bale – Props for that speech & while he is the ultimate shape shifter, everyone knows there’s only one person who can convincingly play Mitch McConnell …

 

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With apologies to the melting Nazi from ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark!’ #RESIST #SkinnyRepeal #Twins

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Alfonso Cuaron – I loved Roma but I’m so mad I saw it on Netlfix and not on the big screen. I’m still thinking about it.  And for those in the back, Cuaron’s the Oscar-winning Mexican director that didn’t make The Revenant or Birdman. That’s Alejandro Inarittu. Got it? Ok, gracias!

Darren Criss – He was fantastic as Andrew Cunanan in Versace, loved that he showed his Filipina mom some love & he is a great LGBT ally. All that being said, I think the loud jacket trend is officially over. Please send cards and letters to Carson Kressly, Ryan Murphy (above) & all your fabulous gay wedding guests.

Jeff Bridges – Congrats on the Cecil B. DeMille award. Now please take a moment of silence to pay your respects to Jeff in Against All Odds. #NeverForget

Emily Blunt & John Krasinski – I want to be John Krasinski’s beard. This is not a jab at Emily. I literally want to pack up and live inside his beard! That is my Quiet Place. So damn hot.

Halle Berry & Lena Waithe – The new Hollywood Power couple! The only thing hotter than these two together is that Boomerang promo.   We see you, Keith Urban!

 

The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story – I make fun of a lot of Ryan Murphy’s shows for often going off the rails, but hearing how so many younger gays (& straights!) learned a little bit of what life was like in the homophobic ’90s by watching this show really pressed upon me the importance of having his voice & power in the industry to tell these stories. Plus executive producer Brad Simpson’s speech is everything. “Resist in the street & resist at the ballot box, but live with love and empathy in our everyday lives.”

Olivia Coleman – I wish The Favourite was my favorite, but at least Olivia’s endearing speech was.

Janelle Monae – No, she’s not in If Beale Street Could Talk (although she introduced it) but I would see her in anything … well, except Welcome to Marwen.

Rami Malek – His fake teeth are no longer the most awkward thing about Bohemian Rhapsody. That distinction now goes to Malek and producer Graham King’s acceptance speeches as they purposely avoided acknowledging any of the movie’s gayness, i.e. disgraced director Bryan Singer. Oh mamma mia!

Nicole Kidman – She can do no wrong, the same does not go for her stylist who was the real Destroyer by having that inexplicable black bow ruin her sleek merlot Michael Kors gown. Now if she would just loan Keith Urban one of her award-worthy wigs, we could all be saved from yet another sighting of his 2005 flat ironed & highlighted L-word bangs.

Billy Porter – Diva to the dance floor, please! Category is: Andre Leon Talley meets a matador at game night at Liberace’s house realness. Tens. Tens. Tens across the board.

Stephan James – Lawd have mercy! Black velvet if you please …and for your nerves! He is snatched! Swoon.

Timothee Chalamet – Is he heading to Dancing with the Stars? Or Ice Capades? Wherever he’s going, I’m following. If that’s a sequined harness, then call me by your safe word.  Sequined bib? Then Beautiful Boy, indeed.

Cody Fern – Sheer & heels and smoky eyes, oh my. I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m confused. I’m obsessed. I’m here for all of it. The Versace & House of Cards actor just showed the world how to nonchalantly Werk & Serve & Face. Consider this the new uniform at Conde Nast. Sometimes when you break the rules, you make new ones. She’ll never admit it, but somewhere in the Scottish highlands, Tilda Swinton is staring at a white wall & smiling.

Chris Messina – So I guess I am into blondes now. Move over Hemsworth, Pratt, Evans & Pine, there’s a new Chris in town. With one dye job, he’s gone from everyone’s wannabe boyfriend to fuckboy.

Ricky Martin – Speaking of wannabe boyfriends & fuckboys, hola papi.

Charlize Theron – This is Charlize on the red carpet. This is also Charlize picking up a few essentials at Rite Aid. And this is Charlize when she wakes up in the morning. This is Charlize. Classic. Exquisite. Perfection. Movie Star.

Julia Roberts – Did you really think the most famous film actress in the world would attend an award show where she’s nominated for a television role and actually wear a gown?! Tonight was business casual for Jules & she looked flawless.

Elisabeth Moss –  Praise be that a little black dress never goes out of Scientolostyle.

 

Thank U, Next.

Hold on to your edges!

With three truly “unbelievable” performances in Boy Erased, Destroyer & Aquaman, Nicole Kidmans WIGS were totally robbed of Best Supporting Actress nominations!

While the 51-year-old ex Mrs. Tom Cruise did score an acting nod for Best Actress in a Drama for Destroyer, the 88 members of the sketchy Hollywood Foreign Press discarded her big ’80s matronly blonde coif, her dusty salt & pepper lace front shag & her long wispy & banged Marvel mane  faster than a queen lip syncing on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Sashay away!

Unless Lady Gaga actually wins an acting award for A Star Is Born, this may be the biggest weave snatch of the year.

In the meantime, we’ll have to wait until season 2 of Big Little Lies to get some #JusticeForNicolesWigs.

The Golden Globes air Sunday, January 6th on NBC.

 

serving Madonna lewks
Unbeknownst to them, pop princesses Julia Michaels and Grace VanderWaal both served music royalty realness in their iconic Madonna lewks at the Billboard Music Awards.

Fun fact: Julia was born a year after the release of Madge’s fifth studio album Erotica.

Even more fun fact: Grace was born after M’s ninth studio album Amercan Life.

Matt Dillon

 

Matt Dillon at the Cannes Film Festival almost exactly 20 years to the day.

Anybody got some of that special Cameron Diaz hair gel?

 Things Learned From Watching the 2017 Grammys

  1. Beyonce can get her mother, sister and daughter screen time, but still doesn’t have the power to get Michelle Williams‘ shift covered at P.F. Changs so she can make a cameo at the Staples Center. Rude! #PoorMichelle

2. By the way Beyonce is flaunting her second pregnancy, it’s obvious we still don’t know who carried her first one. #TheTruthIsOutThere

3. The only person who hasn’t tired of hearing “Hello” is Adele. True story!

4. Keith Urban will be amazing in The Betsy DeVos Story.

5. The highest level in Scientology is OT: Shady ’80s Vegas Lounge Act. Save us, Leah Remini!

6. Immediately following their Bee Gees tribute, Little Big Town performed at your cousin’s wedding in Encino. And they took requests!

7. The imaginary Quentin Tarantino film that Dwight Yoakham & Jason Derulo are living in is going to be amazing.

8. Apologies to Chance the Rapper, but it will always be too soon to bring back Cosby sweaters!

And now a few more silly words on some petty shit. Enjoy!

Beyonce – Narcissistic? Yes. Self-indulgent? Of course. Over the top? Clearly. But c’mon, who doesn’t L-U-V a pop queen on her throne? Now, against your better judgement, yell “slay.”

Adele doesn’t need to dance. Adele doesn’t need backup dancers. Adele doesn’t need elaborate stage shows. Adele doesn’t need to parade her body in a unitard. Adele has a voice. Adele has unparralled talent. Adele can stop and restart her performance on live television and you will love it and cheer and, against your better judgement, yell “slay.” These are not alternative facts!

 

Lady Gaga & Metallica – The Super Bowl was 7 days ago. The Super Bowl is now a memory. The Super Bowl never happened. Now if, against your better judgement, you yelled “slay,” that’s on you.

Katy Perry – ALWAYS. GETS. IT. WRONG.  So Becky may finally be WOKE, but the gurl cannot find a decent outfit if her rights depended on it. She ought to shave her head, as it would be her best lewk yet!  On the positive side, at least NO ONE yelled “slay.”

Jennifer Lopez – She’s been slaying destroying the red carpet since that infamous Versace number, but it’s J.Lo’s stick straight synthetic hair extensions that feel leftover from 2000.  It’s time to leave this overdone trend on the floor! Sorry, mija.

Demi Lovato – Serving KARDASHIAN on the carpet & ’70s SARKISIAN (as in CHER-ilyn) on stage. Guess she’s done being cool … for the summer.

Maren Morris – Winner of best country something or other. What I want to know is: Will she accept this rose? #SheLooksLikeSomeoneOnTheBachelor

Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – They are both turning 50 in a few months. Is country don’t crack a thing?

 

CeeLo – Can someone please Uber Gaga’s 2011 egg and send him home?

Bruno Mars –  Definitely enjoyed it, but there was just one thing missing from his Prince tribute — Wendy & Lisa! 

Rihanna – You don’t need an award, when you’re the coolest chic in the room. Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. “____!”

HalseyAlls I see is a mashup of early Pink, JLo’s Versace thirst and TLC “Creep.” Next!

Paris Hilton Jackson -The resemblance is uncanny. She has her father’s … last name.

A Tribe Called Quest – The one thing I won’t #resist … using “President Agent Orange!” Pass the Courvoisier, Busta!

And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my weekly pop culture podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/screaming-into-traffic/id1052412883?mt=2

This week Screaming Into Traffic Podcast tackles the VMAs, FYF FestRuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, Amy Schumer‘s book, Colton Haynes‘ speech, the Gay Bachelor, clown sightings, Dancing with the “Stars” 101 and a Britney Spears rant for the ages. If you like your pop culture raw, real & ridiculous then you are home!

CLICK HERE TO LEAVE A REVIEW & SUBSCRIBE to  SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC