The 2011 American Music Awards

Things learned watching the 2011 American Music Awards:

1. There is something called Hot Chelle Rae. Who knew?
2. Driving the Fiat is the new jumping the shark.
3. Based on screen time, Taylor Swift & Selena Gomez were the only celebs in the audience.
4. Kelly Clarkson is a huge star.
5. needs a time out.
6. Pit Bull has to decide whether he’s Team Lopez or Team Skeletor already.
7. All music acts with the last name Perry are contractually bound to have bad hair.
8. Love her or hate her, Lady Gaga makes for good award show television. We missed you Stefani!
9. The only person Xtina hates seeing more than her trainer … Adam Levine!
10. Three words: Justin. Bieber. Shufflin’. That’s some serious L-wordMFAO!

First of all, apologies if you read some of these comments via my FB updates. If not, well then here’s my two cents about last night’s AMAs.

Johnny Lopez

P.S. You can’t tell but I was driving a Fiat while writing this!

Nicki Minaj – Please turn up the super bass so you don’t hear her singing intermittently over the lip synching.

Taylor Swift – Wearing another gold dress. Shocker. I guess she’s monotone in more ways than one. And what was with the dead, ratty, straw ponytail? You would think from her overacting faux-surprise that she had won an Oscar & not an AMA. Settle down, T.

Adam Levine – the younger, thinner, douchier Dylan McDermott.

Justin Bieber – Has pulled one over everyone. Girls think he’s hot, artists with street cred actually think he has swagger (oh how I loathe that word) and how most of America is actually entertaining the idea that he could possibly impregnate anyone – let along a girl, is beyond me.

The Band Perry – Did the chick know she was performing on national television or just going to the movies? Get a hair brush! And what’s up with the weird shag bobbed she-brothers?

Chris Brown – As far as his performance, all I can say is …He beat Rihanna to a pulp & don’t you ever forget it.

Jennifer Hudson – I’m sure she’s just hungry, but the dead eyes and the blank stare make me think she’s become a Scientologist. Xenu loves your weight loss!

Kelly Clarkson – Who Framed Kelly Clarkson? Apparently her stylist. We now know where all the weight that JHud lost went.

Enrique Iglesias – Rockin’ a Bieber wig. I wish I could say … I like it!

Rihanna – It may have only been for Soul/R+B album but she finally got to beat Chris Brown.

Jennifer Lopez – She ruined what would have possibly been considered the best performance of the night if it weren’t for that whole soul crushing Fiat Debacle. That being said, I’d like to see another 42-year-old mother-of- two pull off dancing in that Britney Spears Toxic nude bodysuit? The Remains of Britney couldn’t wear it today and she’s 29.

Katy Perry – in a pink Joan Crawford ‘Mildred Pierce’ wig! Curled bangs are a bitch!

Casey Anthony – Oh wait, it’s Alanis Morissette. ‘Memba her?

Mary J. Blige – The animal print dress makes me think she’s now resorting to dressing like the women normally found at her concert.

Ellie Goulding – Christina Aguilera circa 2000. Tears.

Bruno Mars – Para bailar La Bamba.

Christina Aguilera – She didn’t shave her head, almost lose custody of her kid, get wheeled out on a gurney, get put under a conservatorship, lose the ability to actually sing and dance… but she sure looks like she did! She’s got the moves like … Jaegermeister.

Gavin Degraw – or Dane Cook if he was one of The Cullens in “Twilight.”

Daughtry – Bathroom break – Have a seat, Willie. That performance really was 3D – disjointed, disastrous, and dreadful.

Vanessa Lachey – That’s right you heard correctly.

LMFAO – I’m all for songs that bring out your inner dork, but the Biebs took it to a whole new level. They should have all quit while they were ahead, because that “Sexy and I Know It” portion was such a big mess that I was waiting for authorities to rush in and start pepper spraying peeps on stage.