Things learned watching the 2011 VMAs:
1. It’s amazing how much of Lady Gaga’s creativity, effort and nonsense it takes to bore me.
2. I love Jessie J’s performances – all 37 one-second of them!
3. Britney and Amy Winehouse both get tributes. You do the math.
4. Thanks to her post-rehab look, I can now tell the difference between Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez. I think.
5. Chris Brown should join the circus. No, really.
6. With everyone and their protégé trying so damn hard these days, Britney’s complete lack of innovation, effort or hair care is downright refreshing y’all.
7. The VMAs have become about as edgy as the Kids Choice Awards. Someone slime Jo Calderone!
Here are some words about last night’s VMAs. I’d love to hear yours.
Lady Sha Na Na – With her greaser chic and an endless monologue, Lady G was more annoying than Hurricane Irene. No longer content with just mimicking Madonna, Gags has moved on to imitating the late Andy Kaufman. There’s a new Man on the Moon and it’s Jo Calderone! It won’t be long before he’s wrestling Octomom on TV. And now that she has the entire pop landscape wearing ridiculous outfits and headgear, she really needs to tone it down and start walking around in jeans, tank top and her hair in a ponytail. Now that would be shocking!
Jessie J – Makeup by Duncan Hines.
Nicki Minaj – If Punky Brewster was a Harajuko girl with SARS and appearing in a Katy Perry video this is exactly what she’d wear. I’d pay to see her walk through “South Side Jamaica Queens” in one of these getups.
Britney Spears – OK MTV you can stop feeling bad for allowing Brit to implode at the VMAs in 2007. No more sympathy awards, specials or tributes. And how long before someone in her camp lets her know that Jo Calderone really is Gaga?
Beyonce — Who runs the world? Beyonce’s unborn baby! She runs this mutha!
Jay-Z – At least one person – other than RiRi — hasn’t forgotten what Chris Brown did. Everyone else just sit yo asses down!
Dave Grohl – I always wondered what Steven Cojo would look like if he were straight.
Tyler the Creator – um who?
Demi Lovato – The dirtier NC-17 Selena Gomez.
Katy Perry – Do they sell pink hair and cheese block hats at The Gap now? Or Does Lady Gaga have a line at Forever 21? Katy’s gear is always off.
Gabe Saporta (lead singer) from Cobra Starship – or was it Christian Bale in “The Fighter”?
Robin Antin/Pussycat Dolls – The perfect face to guard Kim K. Yowzers!
Kreayshawn – Amy Winehouse has RISEN!
Foster the People – They look like adorable little nerds but you know they’re probably just pumped up hipster douches.
Adele – No bells and whistles, backup dancers, aerialists, absurd outfits, or censored bleeps. She’s pure artistry. But what was with her seriously scary Pan’s Labyrinth nails?!
Justin Bieber – Styling by “The Weakest Link.” Good bye!
Chris Brown – He’s homophobic and beats women, yet his biggest fans are gays and females. Get it together, people.
Selena Gomez – Who doesn’t love a Disney star in a same-sex relationship?
Taylor Lautner – His stylist should be fired for putting him in that shirt. In any shirt!
Jersey Shore gals – When they clean up, they are a hemline away from becoming Kardashians.
Russell Brand – He was about as funny as the year he hosted.
Bruno Mars – I loved Lady Gaga’s tribute to Amy.
Katie Holmes – You know your career is in troubs when people know you as Suri’s mom.
Lil Wayne – The illegitimate love child of Slash, Flava Flav, Whoopi Goldberg and Animal from The Muppets.