SAG Awards | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

They may be on an off-brand network, but the SAG Awards are doing something right. The show is a lean two hours with 15 categories, no overwrought numbers and presided over by a lowkey host.

With no homophobic tweet history to be found, Megan Mullally made it look easy, breezy and fun. She had some zingers, did a quick skit here and there, and mostly just let the show drive itself. No big whoop. So what? Who cares? And everyone goes home happy in time to watch Rent (not-so)Live on their DVR.

So whether you saw the SAGs or not, here are 15 moments that caught my eye.

1. Megan Mullally & Angela Bassett – This is 60. Icons & Legends only, the rest of us are all screwed.

2. Geoffrey Owens – Since the former Cosby Show star went from unemployed actor to front & center at the SAGs with multiple TV gigs just five months after being job shamed for working at Trader Joe’s, I’m expecting a big return from the universe for all those years of being shamed for buying 2 Buck Chuck. Seriously, hire me!

3. Matt Bomer & Ricky Martin – This made all the EPT results positive, melted all the Zara skinny jeans from Weho to Hells Kitchen and forced Mother to send Mike Pence immediately into a sensory deprivation chamber for the remainder of the Dump presidency. #TheRapture

4. Meg Ryan – Just kidding. Jane Fonda is the GOAT. Flawless!

5. Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper – (Today, the part of Halsey will be played by Anthony Ramos.) I have A Star Is Born PTSD, because anytime I see Ally Stefani & Brad standing on a stage together I can’t help but stare at his pants expecting it to happen again? Don’t do it, Jackson Maine!

Robin Wright – Category is: Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface goes to an award show and steals all the husbands realness. Based on this photo, Netflix has greenlit a House of Cards prequel where Claire Underwood time travels to the ’70s and for three seasons just dances and does coke at Studio 54. I’m so in!

Gabrielle Carteris – Here’s you’re annual reminder that while you were all chanting Donna Martin graduates, Andrea Zuckerman became SAG President!

Glenn Close & Michael Douglas – If you look real close you can see Lady Gaga boiling a rabbit behind them!

Patricia Arquette – If Patty can thank her co-stars, call out shady meal penalty infractions & praise Robert Mueller in a 90 second acceptance speech, you can get through Monday.

 

Awkwafina & Laverne Cox – This is the buddy comedy we need & deserve now!

Jason Bateman – So does best actor in drama series for Ozark mean he’s forgiven for mansplaining Jeffrey Tambor’s harassment of Jessica Walters on Arrested Development? Take your time.

Sandra Oh – Eve Polastri for the win again! And just like that Grey’s Anatomy is officially no longer her most defining role. RIP Cristina Yang.

Elisabeth Moss – Is the Scientolo-star slowly trading one cult for another? Praise be, the Deplorables?! If Leah Remini can’t save her, maybe Nancy Pelosi can!

Scott Bakula – I don’t watch NCIS: Dayton or whatever, but dayum grand zaddy! The 64-year-old has taken a quantum leap back in time.

Michael B. Jordan – What in S&M Laura Ashley floral hell is this?! Everyone lied to Michael B. Jordan. Louis Vuitton lied. Michael’s stylist lied. His publicist lied. The entire cast of Black Panther lied. Even Luenell lied and she had cougar spots sprayed into her head! This is not Michael B. Jordan’s fault. Michael B. Jordan has been wronged and we are all to blame. We all cheered on Timothee Chalamet & Adam Rippon‘s previous award show harness moments as fashion forward and edgy and then we turned around and put a glorified baby leash on Adonis Creed! On Johnny Storm!  On mutha fucking Killmonger?! We are all garbage and the only thing that can undue the damage is a celestial body. And by that I mean a photo of Michael B. Jordan shirtless.

Phew! My chakras have been cleansed, balance has been restored & all is right with the world. We must never see or speak of that again. Namaste!

If you didn’t watch the SAGs and chose to catch RENT (not-so) LIVE instead, here is a 15 second (Valentina-free) recap.

 

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PS: If you are keeping score, the Oscar frontrunners are now Glenn Close & Rami Malek for lead actress/actor, Mahershala Ali for supporting Actor (would be his second) and supporting actress a toss up between Amy Adams and Regina King. The Academy didn’t nominate SAG winner Emily Blunt. Stay tuned. #ForYourConsideration

Here’s the full SAG winners list:

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
Glenn Close in The Wife

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role
Mahershala Ali in Green Book

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role
Emily Blunt in A Quiet Place

Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture
Black Panther

Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Motion Picture
Black Panther

TELEVISION WINNERS

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Limited Series
Darren Criss in The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Limited Series
Patricia Arquette in Escape at Dannemora

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
Jason Bateman in Ozark

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series
Sandra Oh in Killing Eve

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series
Tony Shalhoub in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series
Rachel Brosnahan in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series
This Is Us

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Comedy or Drama Series
GLOW

The 55th Annual SAG Life Achievement Award
Alan Alda

This week SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC is all about Executive Disorders, Beyonce‘s twins, Winona Ryder‘s face melt, Mischa Barton‘s “return” and a dissection of The Bachelor. So stop fighting on FB with your third cousin once removed & listen to this rant!

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by Johnny Lopez

TMZ has me beaucoup busy these days so I haven’t done a recap in a while. In case the Oscars don’t happen I figured I’d rattle off one before the season is over.

I hope everyone is doing well and gets a kick out of my latest diatribe. For those who may not be familiar with my rants, these are meant to be fun, sarcastic, and bitchy – like when you watch an award show with your friends. (Or at least that’s how it is when my friends & I watch them). So don’t take ’em too seriously – they’re just words!

As always, positive feedback is appreciated. If you want to be added to the list, just drop me an email at: thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.

You know you love me.
xoxo
Johnny

Brad & Angelina – Please don’t stare at the only A-listers in the house! Where have all the movie stars gone?? Angie in one of J.Lo’s maternity-denial caftans and Brad with his Jolie-brown locks. The King and Queen of the prom have arrived.

Doug Savant – the real desperate housewife isn’t on his show, but was sitting next to him — Laura Leighton aka “Sydney” from Melrose Place. Give the gal a walk-on role!

Ellen Burstyn – Nominated for her work in “Muumuus, Caftans and Dusters: The Helen Roper Story.”

Sandra Oh – The perfect prom dress for the illegitimate love child of Molly Ringwald and Marilyn Manson. She should have been more specific when telling her stylist she wanted a dress that would have people talking for days.

Rebecca Romijn – She plays the hottest tranny on TV — next to Glenn Close!

Jane Krakowski – It’s hard to look good in a puke green dress and candy corn necklace. I expect more from a woman who lives in NYC!

Kyle MacLachlan – Tell me again, who thinks he’s hot?

Nikki Blonsky – The breakout “Hairspray” star can’t wait to find out what her next roll will be.

John Travolta
– I see he’s still sporting his “Hairspray” weaves. Where was his bearded lady, Kelly Preston? Perhaps, at home in the Scientoloattic with their non-autistic son Jett?! Save Jett!

Debra Messing presenting w/ Zac Efron: Gorgeous. Loved the hair, makeup and getup. And Debra looked good too! Sadly, Zac has a bigger rack.

Holly Hunter – Her boyfriend/baby-daddy is H-O-T!

Laura San Giacomo – She was in the “Saving Grace” clip – the real UGLY BETTY! Yikes! Just shoot her!

Edie Falco – Looking like she just landed from JFK. Would it kill her to put on a little lipstick?

Lorraine Bracco – Wearing Grimace’s dead carcass.

America Ferrara – Looks amazing, but she can stop losing weight now. We get it—you are pretty in real life.

Vanessa Williams – Love her! The coolest bitch in town. Britney, Paris and Lindsay should take lessons from Miss America 1984 on how to properly flash your ugly betty.

Hal Holbrook – A great actor. That being said, he looks like a cross between a “South Park” character and Bea Arthur.

Marion Cotillard
– Gorge! The French Angelina. I just hope she doesn’t get suckered into a doing a romantic “comedy” with McConaughey next.

Javier Bardem
– He’s definitely winning the Oscar. The Academy loves it when gorgeous peeps go ugly. Just look at Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Charlize, Hilary Swank.

Jeremy Piven
– Love his new weave. How much it cost?!

Ellen Page
– She’s Jodie Foster 2.0 and rockin’ a kosher Posh bob – honest to blog. L’chaim!

Chandra Wilson
– Somebody please tell Ms. Wilson that “Dreamgirls” has already been cast, filmed, released and was awarded last year. Please return the outfit and hair to wardrobe ASAP!

Rebecca Gayheart – Maybe you shouldn’t be boasting about all your “car issues” on the red carpet. I’m just sayin’…

Ellen Pompeo
– It must suck to have your show stolen by Katherine Heigl … and Kate Walsh!

Katrina Bowden
– (Teri Hatcher’s daughter on “Housewives”) – When did she turn 37?

Lisa Rinna – Someone put this cougar down. She looks like the patron saint of middle-aged divorced Long Island housewives. Mary Jo Buttafuoco on line 2!

James Mardsen – For the love of Dylan McKay! Now that he’s finally broken out into leading man territory – he decides to rock some 1991 “90210” sideburns?!

Ruby Dee – Looking fab in her Frogger shades and pink champagne wig.

Michael C. Hall
– The gayest (and best) he’s looked since he stopped playing a gay on “Six Feet Under.”

The cast of “The Office”
– And I thought they only dressed badly for the TV show.

Alan Rosenberg – SAG Pres. and Marg Helgenberger’s husband – Was he supposed to be added to the In Memoriam segment? Someone check his pulse! Does he get a wrinkle for everyone that Marg gets zapped?!

Charles Durning
– The writer’s strike really needs to end, as it seems Durning’s wheelchair bound wife has already lost her dental benefits.

Burt Reynolds – He was once a sex symbol. There before the grace of God goes Brad Pitt!

Kevin Kline – He couldn’t come to pick up his award, because he was too busy making sure Phoebe Cates was still locked up in their Upper Westchester basement.

Mickey Rooney – There was panic backstage when production staffers realized Mickey got loose. Who is in charge of Mickey??

Queen Latifah – She couldn’t make it to the ceremony. She’s still mortified about hosting that People’s Choice debacle – which btw was probably 100 times funnier than “Mad Money”!

Josh Brolin – Hot in a quasi-Simian sorta way.

Diane Lane – The box office returns for her latest film are “Untraceable.”

Viggo Mortensen – In his three-piece suit by Jiminy Cricket.

Tommy Lee Jones – Nominated for a SAG for playing a police officer in The Fugitive, Natural Born Killers, Men in Black, US Marshalls, Double Jeopardy, The Hunted, In the Valley of Elah, No Country for Old Men.

Tilda Swinton – She was never a looker – but it takes a lot of work to look this freakish. Who would have thunk that she looked the most normal in “Narnia.”

Matthew McConaughey & Kate Hudson
– If you are even considering seeing “Fools Good”—just re-rent “How to Lose a Guy” and save yourselves the two hours, $12 and brain cells. At least he shaved off some of his cotton-candy locks.

Julie Christie – A real actress. The bitch only makes a few movies here and there and usually gives amazing performances. Makes you wonder how many mortgages her peers like Dustin Hoffman and Diane Keaton have that forces them to continually make craptacular studio pics like “Mr. Magorium” & “Because I Said So.” Just stop.

The homosapien formerly known as Tom Cruise – He skipped the red carpet and teleported right into the Shrine. I was waiting for him to put on his medal of valor, dementedly laugh, and salute “LRH.” Just how crazy is he? OT Level VII crazy! Save Suri!

Daniel Day Lewis – Please stop talking about Heath. It is a tragedy, but you didn’t even know him.

I’m finished!

Because the SAG Awards were so utterly uneventful and since my day job has been insanely busy, I am forgoing my usual recap format. Instead of my standard laundry list of thoughts, I am going to just give you my biggest gripe of the entire night. And no, it was not Ellen Pompeo’s Mrs. Roper Goes to Spanish Harlem outfit.

My friends, the worst ENSEMBLE by far was “Little Miss Sunshine” winning for Best Ensemble Cast! To quote SNL Weekend Update: REALLY?!?!

I know America and the Guild love a feel good Cinderella story, but can’t we let Macy Gray, er, I mean Jennifer Hudson fulfill that quota? Don’t even get me started on the Oscars, because I can’t believe it’s nominated for Best Picture over more deserving films like “Children of Men”, “United 93”, “The Good Shepherd” (which I thought was just ok) or even, bite my tongue, “Dreamgirls.”

As far as ensemble casts go, you mean to tell me Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin, Abigail Breslin, and the guy who played the son were, as a whole, better than the cast of “The Departed?” REALLY?!
Better than: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Anthony Anderson and Vera Farmiga. REALLY?!

If you are still professing your love for “the little movie that could” then please explain to me how in the hell you seriously bought:

1. Steve Carell’s character bumping into his ex at the rest stop on the highway. REALLY?! This isn’t an episode of “Friends” people!

2. That this family didn’t know what went on at kiddie beauty pageants. REALLY?! Did the local news in their part of Albuquerque not cover the whole Jon Benet Ramsey case? Even my relatives in Cuba know what goes on and they only have electricity on alternate Tuesdays!

3. That Toni Collette’s character would go to all this trouble to get her daughter to a beauty pageant, yet has no clue what her daughter’s routine is until she’s on stage? REALLY?!

4. That Steve Carell’s character would dash his nephew’s Air Force Academy dreams on the spot by telling him they don’t let in guys who are color blind. REALLY?! You mean you wouldn’t google the Academy rules first to be sure or at least wait until you get home.REALLY?! And since when are rebellious goth teens clamoring to get into the Armed Forces? Do they not make Dungeons & Dragons anymore?

5. The family driving around with Alan Arkin’s dead body in the van. REALLY?! Actually, I thought this was funny too…in “National Lampoon’s Vacation”!

Now, I can enjoy slapstick comedy as much as the next fool, but please don’t try to pass it off as a real or believable story. Cause it ain’t!

And finally, if the Academy really wants to honor a young, up-and-coming talent, then, with my apologies to Miss Breslin, look no further than “Half Nelson’s” Shareeka Epps. She, my friends, is truly a SUPERFREAKin’ great actress!

Well, enough talk about this drivel of a movie. On to the Grammys on February 11th. I hear Beyonce has already commissioned Barbaro’s remains for her weave.

Ciao!
-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com