TV | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

If the 2019 Grammys had run any longer they would have had to tap Hoda and Kathie Lee to finish hosting. At three hours and 45 minutes, the show was endless, yet full of a slew of amazing female performances. Thankfully, my Super Bowl rant was heard and the DIVAS delivered.

Alicia, Dolly, Diana, Gaga, J.Lo, Cardi, Janelle, Kacey, Brandi, MICHELLE, the list goes on and on. It was ladies night and the feeling was oh so right.

So here are 25 things about this year’s show.


1. Gaga. Jada? Alicia. Michelle. J.Lo – aka The Moment! – Beyonce is shook! Michelle Obama turned the Grammys into the return of Divas Live. This almost makes up for the disaster that was the Super Bowl halftime show last week. Almost. This deserves a Vegas residency, a memoir and an EGOT.  Not only is  the internet broken, but all diseases have been cured, everyone has a perfect credit score and we’ve all subscribed to Jada’s Facebook Watch show. Ok, you’re right. Red Table Talk is taking it too far.


2. Alicia Keys – Styling by Rhoda Morganstern. But her performance was the actual Super Bowl halftime show we needed and deserved. Now unless homophobic tweets surface, Alicia can host the Oscars, the State of the Union and game night at your Aunt Beverly’s house. Sashay you stay, Alicia Augello Cook.


3. Lady Gaga – Hair. Body. Face. The bastard love child of Sammy Jo Carrington, Dale Bozzio from Missing Persons & late-90s Courtney Love. Three Grammy wins later, it’s Gaga’s world and we’re just living in it. I know many thought the performance was extra AF, but I’m all for seeing A Rock Star Is Born. Only two weeks until she tops off her amazing year by losing Best Actress to Glenn Close. Ha-ah-ah-ahhaaa-ah-ah-ah, haaawaah, ha-ah-ah-aaah!


4. Ricky Martin – Exactly 20 years since his career-changing performance of The Cup of Life at the ’99 Grammys that ignited the Latin Explosion, Ricky opened the show with a bilingual salsa-fied In the Heights-esque performance alongside Camila Cabello & J.Balvin that had me livin’ la vida loca. And just so you know, I absolutely have not been Googling white suits and mustache trimmers for the last 12 hours.


5. Shawn Mendes – Sorry Dua Lipa, but the real winner of Best New Artist goes to Shawn’s bare, buff, smooth, supple, loving arms!


6. Miley Cyrus – Dolly Parton duets and plunging necklines be damned, but long hair Miley will forever be Hannah Montana.


7. Kacey Musgraves – Katy Perry? Courteney Cox?  Kyle Richards? Paris Hilton in a wig? Who is Kacey Musgraves? She’s the rich white woman snatching all the trophies, that’s who. Get it, gurl.


8. Janelle Monae – Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to see Janelle Monae slay the house down boots! The Robert Palmer girls have been leveled up. She’s got her legs exposed & her sapphic Stormtroopers in tow, so Janelle is here, she’s queer and I can get used to this!


9. John Mayer – I hate to admit it, but I would totally let John Mayer cheat on me.


10 . Post Malone – There’s so much content here, but right now I’m most concerned with his camel toe.


11. Red Hot Chilli Peppers –  Larry, Daryl & Daryl have resurfaced! Now Bob Newhart  introducing Best New Artist makes even more sense, but the Chilli Peppers’ performance with Post Malone still does not.


12. Dolly Parton – Welcome to Dollywood! A stunning tribute, yet no one can do the 73-year-old justice. (Settle down, Katy!) It should give us all hope that there are only two types of people in this world: Dolly Parton fans and Dolly Parton super fans. Which one are you? #MakeAmericaDollyAgain


13. Cardi B –  You know it was her night when Cardi took the stage and yelled “Welcome to the Grammys!” … over an hour after the show started. The red carpet! The performance! The speech! All of it! QUEEN. History was made as the first female solo artist to win Best Rap Album. She’s CinderFuckingRella, but her evil Step Mother is gonna be pissed because she’s never won one. Also she needs a new Prince Charming. Okurrr!


14. Kylie Jenner & Meghan Trainor – There was a mix-up at the clown shop and they wore each other’s terrible outfit! Maybe I’m wrong and by next year Kris Jenner will have everyone wearing Kylie’s cattle (or is it kattle?) artificial insemination gloves. Regardless, send a pair to Meg!


15. Drake – Getting his speech cut was not the biggest indignity he suffered last night.


16. Diana Ross – Icon. Supreme. The Boss. And still no competitive Grammy wins! Zero. Drake was right, they don’t mean a thing. Her yelling “Happy Birthday to Me” is an anthem worthy of at least 3 Grammys, an all-star tribute and a Broadway musical. Dirty D!


17. Jennifer Lopez – What in Mexican telenovela hell is this? Jenny from the Cartel? The Norteño Grammys? Love makes you do stupid things, so I’m blaming this rare red carpet misfire on A.Rod. As for the Motown tribute, granted she may have been a very, very curious choice, but that performance proved she should have done the Super Bowl halftime show last year, this year & next year!


18. Smokey Robinson/Grey – The Grammy’s of the Damned …for that Motown tribute. I don’t know who Grey are, but a male blond duo hasn’t made an impression like this since Nelson.

 


19. Bebe Rexha – She said no designer wanted to dress her for the Grammys.  So she channeled her inner Anna Nicole and said “Like My Body!” …and they did.


20. St. Vincent & Dua Lipa – I am now a lesbian.  Take me to your leader, ladies! They were giving us L-Word in Space, the club scene in Basic Instinct minus Michael Douglas in a deep V & Jennifer Tilly/ Gina Gerson Bound realness. And I was here for all of it.


21. Yolanda Adams, Fantasia, Andra Day – I have nothing but R-E-S-P-E-C-T for their amazing voices. They did Aretha right. But they should have used some of their Black Girl Magic to find a stylist befitting of their talents. Seriously, Andra needs to send a cease & desist, stat! Say a little prayer.


22. Wilmer Valderrama – Damn, Papi.


23. Toni Braxton – The 51-year-old diva just won the 18-year challenge.


24. Weezer – Crockett & Tubbs could never! The OG hipster kings are living their best Miami Vice life, unironically.


25. Katy Perry – She tried it.


SPECIAL MENTION: Aida Cuevas – She’s the Queen of Ranchera Music, but now everyone will know her as the woman who wore Roseanne’s (I mean, The Conners’) couch to the Grammys. Pobrecita!

 

ICYMI: 20 THINGS YOU MISSED FROM THE SOTU SPEECH

 

You heard all the lies, half-truths and exaggerations in Donald Trump‘s State of the Union speech, so I’ll spare you from rehashing any of that nonsense.

Instead here are 20 things you didn’t see or hear last night.

ALL THE THINGS NANCY PELOSI SAID …


1. “This is going to be a tough vote. I mean, I love Lady Gaga, but Glenn Close is long overdue.”

 


2. “I’ll have the fettuccine alfredo, sauce on the side, and a house salad.”

 


3. “Hey Pencey. 22 Across. What’s a five-letter word for snake oil salesman? Bwahaha.”

 


4. “The only wall going up is this hand between you and my chest.”

 


5. “This is my House, bitch. Kiss the ring.”

 


6. “Don’t worry, Donald. I’ll keep your balls safe right here.”

 


7. “Dang! That weave is even more busted than I thought.”

 


8. “Mother is gonna shit when she sees this!”

 


9. “I think you’re really going to love Club 96.”

 


1o. “You’re so basic vain. You probably think this clap is about you.”

 


11. “That performance was completely phony and devoid of any charisma, uniqueness, nerve or talent.  Your runway look was amateur, crooked and an insult to all the queens that stand before you. And your hair and makeup were even cheaper than your words. Donald Trump, you are up for incarceration. The time has come for you to lip sync for your life.”

 

THREE THINGS MIKE PENCE WAS THINKING …


12. “Next year I’ll be giving this speech …or in solitary confinement.”
13. “Forgive me Mother, for I have sinned.”
14. “Jeepers! I can’t wait for that Maroon 5 guy to come on & take his shirt off again.”

THREE THINGS MELANIA SAID TO HERSELF …


15.”I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Oh, not yet? My bad.”
16.”You can do this. Hello, I’m Melania. Be Best. Children. Bullying. Hello, I’m Melania. Be Best. Children. Bullying. Hello, I’m Mel…..”
17.  “I think it’s time I go for another one of those ‘kidney operations’ again.”

WHAT A.O.C. WAS THINKING …


18. “I thought when a new Supreme rises, the old one is supposed to fade away. Goddammit!”
19. “I’m fine if this whole politics thing doesn’t work out, because what I really want to do is direct.”
20. “Jovani.”

Stay strong, everyone. There are only 626 days until Election Day, November 3, 2020.

 

ICYMI: THE 12 MOST FABULOUS SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOWS

It’s Super Bowl Sunday and for the gays that means gathering around to watch commercials while drinking vodka sodas and for 12 minutes looking up from their phones to see a music icon, preferably a diva, slay the stage in an highly-anticipated halftime show.

Not this year.

Expectations are low for Maroon 5‘s turn headlining in what’s being billed as the Super Bowl Naptime Show.

When will the NFL learn that the Super Bowl needs a diva. Gays demand a diva. Gals love a diva. Hetero bros won’t admit it, but even they prefer a diva. Everyone is happier with a diva. Pop diva. Rock diva. R&B diva. Rap diva. Country diva. Dance diva. Just give us a diva. Diva. DIVA. DIVA!

Regardless, I’m keeping hope alive that Adam Levine & co. surprise us all and, at the least, bless us with a Christina Aguilera/Moves Like Jagger moment. Cardi B, who sings on Girls Like You, already said she wouldn’t be performing because of how the NFL has treated Colin Kaepernick.

So until the next diva takes the stage (come thru Rihanna, Pink or J.Lo), let’s reminisce and countdown to the most fabulously divalicious Super Bowl Halftime shows of yore.

12. Patti LaBelle in 1995 at Super Bowl XXIX

Back in the day, the halftime shows had themes and in 1995 it was Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye, which obviously calls to mind… Patti LaBelle?!

This halftime show is literally insane. It’s like a bizarro Disney & Scientology co-production of Burning Man. I’m not tripping, you’re tripping!

Despite the ridiculous amusement park-style stage show featuring pyrotechnics,”Indiana Jones” parachuting into the stadium and an acted out storyline, The OG Lady Marmalade doesn’t miss a beat belting out Release Yourself, New Attitude and Can You Feel the Love Tonight (alongside Tony Bennett). And while her royally fierce headgear tries to grab the spotlight, Miss Patty reigns supreme making it all it look as easy as sweet potato pie.

But it’s still completely nuts!

11. Katy Perry in 2015 at Super Bowl XLIX

Left Shark. One to Grow On. Missy Elliott. Lenny Kravtiz. It seems I remember everything about Katy Perry’s halftime show except Katy Perry.

While she did sing the hits (Roar, Dark Horse, I Kissed A Girl, Teenage Dream, California Gurls and Firework) and wore three, um, interesting outfits, there’s no denying the Christian artist formerly known as Katheryn Hudson definitely did her best.

A for effort.

10. Shania Twain/No Doubt/Sting in 2003 at Super Bowl XXXVII

Shania Twain came thru drip drip!

Wearing a Matrix leather trench, bejeweled bra, mini-dress and thigh-high boots, the country queen was giving us Real Housewives of Orange County via Hollywood Blvd realness while turning out Man, I Feel Like a Woman and Up.

Gwen Stefani then popped up for Just A Girl , because why not, before joining ageless zaddy Sting for Message in a Bottle. In all, the schizo show was a touchdown for country, pop and rock gays everywhere.

9. Gloria Estefan in 1992 at Super Bowl XXVI & in 1999 at Super Bowl XXXIII

Beyonce wasn’t the first pop diva to perform at two Super Bowl halftime shows, that distinction goes to Cuban-American icon Gloria Estefan.

In ’92, the halftime show honored the Winter Olympics (that theme thing again!) so – prior to Estefan singing Live for Loving You and Get On Your Feet – audiences were subjected to a spectacle featuring marching bands, a giant Frosty the Snowman and the talents of  gold medalist iceskaters Dorothy Hamill & Brian Boitano.

It’s completely bonkers and totally AMAZING!

In ’99, the show kept it less nonsensical with the musical theme of Soul, Salsa and Swing. Gloria was called to duty once again to headline alongside Big Voodoo Daddy and Stevie Wonder.

This time La Estefan, looking gorge, lit up the stage with her hits Oye!, Turn the Beat Around, You’ll Be Mine (Party Time) before dueting with Stevie for Another Star & My Cherie Amour.

Y’all, don’t sleep on Gloria, she is the real deal. Wepa!

8. Britney Spears, Aerosmith, NSYNC, Nelly & Mary J. Blige in 2001 at Super Bowl XXV

I know the Cult of Britney™ is going to come for me for putting her so low, but hear me out.

This entire performance was a lot of fun, but it was not the Britney Spears Show.  It was all about Aersosmith (I Dont Want to Miss a Thing, Jaded) and NSYNC (Bye, Bye, Bye, It’s Gonna Be Me) with Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige & Nelly thrown in at the end for Walk This Way. No offense, but it’s true.

The theme was Kings & Queens of Rock & Pop, but the queens were just an afterthought.  Had Ms. Spears and Mary J. actually been allowed to sing one of their own songs (ala Beyonce with Coldplay), I would have put this higher.

My apologies to the Britney Gays™, but on a positive note, Brit Brit sounded, looked and moved like a diva! #NeverForget

7. Michael Jackson in 1993 at Super Bowl XXVII

Whatever your feelings are about Michael Jackson‘s life off-stage, there’s no denying this performance was the game changer. The King of Pop was the first huge music star to undertake the halftime gig & take it to a new level –  a classic diva tactic. His performance would inspire the halftime shows of future Super Bowl divas like Madonna, Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

It was one of the most watched events in TV history and the NFL made it their mission to book A-list acts going forward. The setlist featured Jam, Billie Jean, Black or White, We Are the World & Heal the World and ended with Michael singing alongside hundreds of children from around the world.

This halftime show is truly legendary and also serves as a bookmark in Michael’s legacy. Six months after the Super Bowl, Michael would go on to be accused of child sexual abuse for the first time.

6. Janet Jackson in 2004 at Super Bowl XXXVIII

Before the wardrobe malfunction, before Nipplegate, before Justin Timberlake threw her under the bus, before Les Moonves tried to destroy her career and before any of Janet Jackson‘s halftime show became a global scandal, the set included performances by Jessica Simpson (she actually just yells an intro), Diddy (Bad Boy for Life, Mo Money Mo Problems), Nelly (Hot in Herre) and Kid Rock (Bawitdaba, Cowboy). ‘Memba that? No? Don’t worry, hardly anybody else does.

What I remember is that Janet sang and danced her ass off to All For You & Rhythm Nation before JT pretended to not know he was going to expose her right breast during Rock Your BodyI’ll have you ruined by the end of this song!

History was made, fines were imposed, Janet was crucified and justice still needs to be served. #JusticeForJanet

5. Prince in 2007 at Super Bowl XLI

Prince in heels with a Rosie the Riveter headwrap in the pouring (purple) rain. Yes, yes, yasssss!

Only a real diva can battle Mother Nature and win!

The set list: Let’s Go Crazy, Baby I’m a Star, Proud Mary, All Along the Watchtower, Best of You, Purple Rain.

Fun fact: Straight guys often regard this as the best halftime show ever. I love it, just wish he included When Doves Cry or other hits over the covers.

Special shout out to the guitar solo projected onto a sheet aka the shadow malfunction. This is what it sounds like when censors cry!

4. Lady Gaga in 2017 at Super Bowl LI

Starting off with an aerial drone light show, unifying anthem God Bless America and protest song This Land is Your Land, quoting the Pledge of Allegiance’s “with liberty and justice for all” and faux diving off the roof of the stadium, Lady Gaga‘s halftime show was patriotic, spectacular & subversive without even humming one bar of her own song.

Gaga is arguably the biggest LGBT rights advocate of her pop generation, so to sing Born This Way with the lyrics “No matter gay, straight, or bi Lesbian, transgendered (sic) life” at the Super Bowl was not only expected and on brand but historic. Her full set list consisted of Poker Face, Born This Way, Just Dance, Million Reasons and Bad Romance.

On that night we were all little monsters, put our paws up & watched a star be reborn.

3. Beyonce in 2013 at Super Bowl XLVII & in 2016 at Super Bowl L

A diva is a female version of a hustler, and no one hustles like Beyonce.

Beyonce murders every performance, almost to her detriment. Her halftime show was beyond. The singing (Love on Top, Crazy in Love, End of Time, Baby Boy, Bootylicious, Independent Women, Single Ladies, Halo) the choreo, the Destiny’s Child reunion, all of it on point. I’m still gagging over Kelly’s bangs & Michelle’s hop jump entrance.

(unpopular opinion alert!)

Beyonce brings Super Bowl level quality to all her shows. To quote Queen Bey herself, “Flawless.” And that’s the problem. Re-watching this now you almost don’t know if it was from The Mrs. Carter, Formation, On The Run I & II tours, Coachella or an award show. It’s lost some of it’s impact. It’s grandeur. It’s ‘this is the big MF moment.’ Everything shouldn’t be the Super Bowl, but for Beyonce everything is and that makes the Super Bowl now seem less special.

Even while watching it back in 2013, on the heels of Madonna‘s monster of a show the year before, I thought it needed just a tad more pizzazz, some more zhuzh, a little more spectacular spectacular,  because it was the SUPER BOWL and not the Mrs. Carter, Formation, On the Run I &II tours, Coachella or an award show moment.

OK, everyone breathe. This is MY OPINION.  Step back, Beyhive. Do not hurt me. I still bow down. I do. I promise, I still love Beyonce.  HELP!!!!!

Then three years later, Beyonce was back again and this time providing that pizzazz/zhuzh moment to Coldplay‘s (and oh no Bruno Mars, again!) halftime show.

For the first time Beyonce got political referencing the Black Panthers and also paid homage to Michael Jackson with her outfit. She sang Formation & Crazy in Love, and as per usual, didn’t blink.

She stole the show. She was the show. The Super Bowl was saved!

Make no mistake, Beyonce is the headliner even when she’s the guest star. All hail, Beyonce!

Ok, so are we friends again?

2. Madonna in 2012 at Super Bowl XLVI

Eight years after Janet’s wardrobe malfunction, Madonna was the first female solo artist to headline the Super Bowl.  So naturally the Queen of Pop arrived with all the pomp & circumstance on her golden throne.

From there it continued in all its over the top, decadent, glamorous glory orchestrated with royal precision and announcing to the world to get ready because the night’s main event had started. The Madonna Bowl had arrived and with it dancers, gladiators, costumes, acrobatics, LED screens and a choir led by Cee Lo Green. She even managed to talk Nicki Minaj & MIA into playing her sidekick head cheerleaders. INSANE.  (In all fairness, I wasn’t a huge fan of including LMFAO, but I guess they did have one of the biggest songs the previous year.)

Her Madgesty gave us Vogue, Music, Party Rock Anthem/Sexy And I Know It, Give Me All Your Luvin’, Open Your Heart and Like a Prayer.

In all, it was more than a show. It was a spectacle. It was theater. It was a circus and a club and a pep rally and a church service. It was a religious experience. And I was dead and brought back to life.

In that moment, Madonna ushered in the new era of the Super Bowl Pop Diva™ and paved the way for Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and, hopefully someday, for Rihanna, Pink and Jennifer Lopez. And she did it all at the young age of 53.

Always remember kids, there’s only one Queen and that’s Madonna.

1. Diana Ross in 1996 at Super Bowl XXX

A true diva knows how to make a grand entrance and an even grander exit.

Let’s just get it out of the way. You can’t spell diva without a D and the D in diva stands for Diana Ross.

Back in 1996, Diana Ross did multiple on-set costume changes, sang Stop in the Name of Love, Baby Love, You Can’t Hurry Love, Why Do Fools Fall in Love, Chain Reaction, Reach Out & Touch Someone’s Hand, Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, I Will Survive and then got airlifted out of the Sun Devil Stadium with her feet hanging over the side. OUT OF A HELICOPTER!

Your helicopter in 5, Miss Ross! Miss Ross has left the building!

In the Super Bowl you go big or go home, unless you’re Diana Ross and then you go big and go home …in a helicopter!

Dirty Diana did THAT! She is the Supreme! The Boss! Icons & Legends, only!

No one will ever top this. Do not even try. No, ma’am. Forget it.

THE END.

Here’s the full performance, because you must.

Honorable Mention: New Kids on the Block in 1991 at Super Bowl XXV

No, they aren’t divas, you just have to see it to believe it.

The theme was It’s A Small World with Disney characters, 2000 actual kids and the New Kids on the Block, natch!

The NKOTB Step by Step magic starts at the 10:30 mark. Enjoy!

Regardless of your plans today, I hope everyone has a lot of fun.

Thoughts and prayers for Maroon 5.

And GO RAMS!

 

 

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Where were you on Monday, February 2nd, 2009? Ten years ago, equality was a priority in the White House, Lady Gaga had her first #1 song and Instagram was non-existent. But on that night gay culture was forever changed with the launch of a little show on a little network hosted by a larger-than-life personality known as a #RuPaulsDragRace .The budget and ratings may have been much smaller then, but the impact was felt. Little did we realize that 18 years after Paris Is Burning, a new class of gays, kweens & Kardashians were about to have their weaves snatched by being ru-introduced to terms like realness, shade and read. More importantly, #RuPaul and the show put a spotlight on stories & amplified voices that were often silenced or overlooked and inspired a new generation to have pride in who they are & lip sync for their lives! Now everyone & their mutha wants to be a kween & mainstream outlets like Entertainment Tonight & People magazine cover #drag on the reg. Condragulations, RuPaul’s Drag Race. Happy 10th anniversary. Shantay you stay! 💄👠💃🏽🏳️‍🌈 #RPDR #dragqueen #LGBT #gay

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They may be on an off-brand network, but the SAG Awards are doing something right. The show is a lean two hours with 15 categories, no overwrought numbers and presided over by a lowkey host.

With no homophobic tweet history to be found, Megan Mullally made it look easy, breezy and fun. She had some zingers, did a quick skit here and there, and mostly just let the show drive itself. No big whoop. So what? Who cares? And everyone goes home happy in time to watch Rent (not-so)Live on their DVR.

So whether you saw the SAGs or not, here are 15 moments that caught my eye.

1. Megan Mullally & Angela Bassett – This is 60. Icons & Legends only, the rest of us are all screwed.

2. Geoffrey Owens – Since the former Cosby Show star went from unemployed actor to front & center at the SAGs with multiple TV gigs just five months after being job shamed for working at Trader Joe’s, I’m expecting a big return from the universe for all those years of being shamed for buying 2 Buck Chuck. Seriously, hire me!

3. Matt Bomer & Ricky Martin – This made all the EPT results positive, melted all the Zara skinny jeans from Weho to Hells Kitchen and forced Mother to send Mike Pence immediately into a sensory deprivation chamber for the remainder of the Dump presidency. #TheRapture

4. Meg Ryan – Just kidding. Jane Fonda is the GOAT. Flawless!

5. Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper – (Today, the part of Halsey will be played by Anthony Ramos.) I have A Star Is Born PTSD, because anytime I see Ally Stefani & Brad standing on a stage together I can’t help but stare at his pants expecting it to happen again? Don’t do it, Jackson Maine!

Robin Wright – Category is: Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface goes to an award show and steals all the husbands realness. Based on this photo, Netflix has greenlit a House of Cards prequel where Claire Underwood time travels to the ’70s and for three seasons just dances and does coke at Studio 54. I’m so in!

Gabrielle Carteris – Here’s you’re annual reminder that while you were all chanting Donna Martin graduates, Andrea Zuckerman became SAG President!

Glenn Close & Michael Douglas – If you look real close you can see Lady Gaga boiling a rabbit behind them!

Patricia Arquette – If Patty can thank her co-stars, call out shady meal penalty infractions & praise Robert Mueller in a 90 second acceptance speech, you can get through Monday.

 

Awkwafina & Laverne Cox – This is the buddy comedy we need & deserve now!

Jason Bateman – So does best actor in drama series for Ozark mean he’s forgiven for mansplaining Jeffrey Tambor’s harassment of Jessica Walters on Arrested Development? Take your time.

Sandra Oh – Eve Polastri for the win again! And just like that Grey’s Anatomy is officially no longer her most defining role. RIP Cristina Yang.

Elisabeth Moss – Is the Scientolo-star slowly trading one cult for another? Praise be, the Deplorables?! If Leah Remini can’t save her, maybe Nancy Pelosi can!

Scott Bakula – I don’t watch NCIS: Dayton or whatever, but dayum grand zaddy! The 64-year-old has taken a quantum leap back in time.

Michael B. Jordan – What in S&M Laura Ashley floral hell is this?! Everyone lied to Michael B. Jordan. Louis Vuitton lied. Michael’s stylist lied. His publicist lied. The entire cast of Black Panther lied. Even Luenell lied and she had cougar spots sprayed into her head! This is not Michael B. Jordan’s fault. Michael B. Jordan has been wronged and we are all to blame. We all cheered on Timothee Chalamet & Adam Rippon‘s previous award show harness moments as fashion forward and edgy and then we turned around and put a glorified baby leash on Adonis Creed! On Johnny Storm!  On mutha fucking Killmonger?! We are all garbage and the only thing that can undue the damage is a celestial body. And by that I mean a photo of Michael B. Jordan shirtless.

Phew! My chakras have been cleansed, balance has been restored & all is right with the world. We must never see or speak of that again. Namaste!

If you didn’t watch the SAGs and chose to catch RENT (not-so) LIVE instead, here is a 15 second (Valentina-free) recap.

 

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525600 Real Housewives (sound on) …#LaVieCohen 💃🏼💃🏽💃🏻 #RentLive 🗣#RealHousewives

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PS: If you are keeping score, the Oscar frontrunners are now Glenn Close & Rami Malek for lead actress/actor, Mahershala Ali for supporting Actor (would be his second) and supporting actress a toss up between Amy Adams and Regina King. The Academy didn’t nominate SAG winner Emily Blunt. Stay tuned. #ForYourConsideration

Here’s the full SAG winners list:

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
Glenn Close in The Wife

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role
Mahershala Ali in Green Book

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role
Emily Blunt in A Quiet Place

Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture
Black Panther

Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Motion Picture
Black Panther

TELEVISION WINNERS

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Limited Series
Darren Criss in The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Limited Series
Patricia Arquette in Escape at Dannemora

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
Jason Bateman in Ozark

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series
Sandra Oh in Killing Eve

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series
Tony Shalhoub in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series
Rachel Brosnahan in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series
This Is Us

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Comedy or Drama Series
GLOW

The 55th Annual SAG Life Achievement Award
Alan Alda

1. Winter has come and Julie Chen is serving Khaleesi from the House of Moonves realness. She doesn’t have three dragons, only one … her husband! #ChenBotOfThrones

2. It’s been revealed that WWE star Natalie Eva Marie is actually the bastard love child of Ariana Grande & Demi Lovato. #TotalDivasLive

3. Lolo Jones is a favorite to win, not because she’s is an Olympian, but because as a 36-year-old virgin she’s got all the endurance tests in the bag. Yes, she’s the nearly 40-year-old virgin. #KellyClarkson

4. This is either OJ Simpson houseboy legend Kato Kaelin or Tilda Swinton‘s latest performance art piece.  The verdict’s still out.

5. Tamar Braxton & Joey Lawrence could make it to the end, but only if they form the secret Beautiful, Bald & Brows alliance. #Woah

6. “OG momager” Dina Lohan gets the sympathy vote, because she filed for bankruptcy last year to save her Long Island home. If she doesn’t win the $1ooK, season 2 of Lohan Beach House might just have a new VIP server on staff. #ParentalGuidanceSuggested

7. Jonathan Bennett is having a moment. Big Brother, Cake Wars, Ariana’s Thank U, Next video & he’s in a relationship with a former Chippendales dancer. So fetch!  After having his career stalled for being gay (he publicly came out in 2017) following Mean Girls, all I can say is: “you go, Aaron Samuels!”

8. First Omarosa and now Anthony Scaramucci. Can BB please stop sympathizing with these Trump enablers?!  The Mooch showed his snowflake status by whining: “I’m not happy there was a twist on day 1 of coming into the House.” But it’s unclear if he was talking about Big Brother or his stint with the Disaster-in-Chief.

 

Who is head of the household? Who is up for eviction? I have no clue, but with 4 episodes of #CelebBB a week, we better get a shirtless/speedo moment of Joey, Jonathan & Ryan, stat!

Until then, enjoy Joey’s 1993 classic video for Nothing My Love Can’t Fix.

 

Fifteen years after Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan is back and coming for Lisa Vanderpump‘s gigs!

The 32-year-old former child star turned former party girl is now a club owner, or at the least, playing one on TV.

Set in Mykonos, the premiere episode proved to be quite the educational experience. Here are 10 things I learned watching Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club.

 

1. The first rule of Lindsay Lohan Beach Club is never mention Lindsay Lohan Beach Club   always wear a bra.  Also, LOL to meeting with Spielberg! She funny.

2. The term “model marketing server” is apparently a thing and it’s douchy VIP lounge code for … server.

3. Blue hair is ok at Lohan Beach Club (and at the Golden Globes).  But two ladies with blue hair is not. #OnWednesdaysWeDyeYourHairPink

4. There are no production assistants or cabs in Mykonos, because LiLo is still driving herself around town. LAWD HAVE MERCY! 

5. Half of the show’s production budget went towards microblading for the male cast. Et tu, after-show host Jonathan Bennett.

6. Thirteen years since trust fund garbage person Brandon Davis called her out for being “$7 million poor,” Linds finally set the record straight.

 

7. Lindsay: “If she has more makeup than me then she’s fired.”  Um, agreed!

 

8. It’s official, Lindsay is not 45.

9. Lindsay: “The second you become emotional, I’m going to become like Putin. I have no emotion when it comes to money & business.” This also explains her performances in Liz & Dick  and The Canyons.

10. The true star of the show are Lindsay’s statement earrings. Hopefully someone paid for them!

 

And finally, if you need a non-Lindsay reason to watch next week’s episode, say hello (or is it yassou?) to Aristotle. I’ll be his brand ambassador anytime!

Now let’s pretend we’re in Mykonos and dance to the anthem of a generation. Welcome back, Lindsay!  #Rumors

 

ICYMI: 2019 Golden Globes Recap

We’ve seen fear take over our country & politics and it has now come to award shows as shown by Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh’s resistance to make any biting jokes at this year’s Golden Globes.

I feel that fear as well.

Are we allowed to make fun of things anymore? Will I be labeled a troll or a “hater?” Are fashion critiques in poor taste when so much real ugliness is happening around the world, at our border or down your street?

These are things that I have asked myself and why I haven’t really written a recap in almost two years.

But I decided to resist & not give in to that fear. We can walk and chew gum at the same time. We can give our attention to the important stuff & still enjoy the nonsense. In fact the nonsense is now called mental health. Thank you, Real Housewives, Hallmark movies and, yes, even perhaps, award show recaps.

I hope you enjoy my lighthearted take on this year’s Globes. If you don’t, please feel free to call me out on social media … because I could really use the followers!

Sandra Oh – I watched six episodes of Killing Eve on a flight from Miami and loved it almost as much as Sandra’s shout-out to her parents, her emotional words on the historic diversity moment and her opening monologue red Versace tux dress.

Andy Samberg – On a scale of 1 to 10, lame Ruth Chris Steakhouse jokes aside, he was a Brooklyn Nine point Nine.  “Lazy Sunday” Samberg has officially leveled up.

Lady Gaga -Blue hair. Body. Face. Poor Ally, this time Jackson Maine didn’t piss all over her award show moment, but Glenn Close did! So many gays are mad that the Globes didn’t give Gaga an acting award for A Star Is Born, but I’m still mad that the Globes gave Gaga an acting award for American Horror Story: Hotel.  Kidding aside, I thought she was good in ASIB & the music was great. But her Cinderalla at the Met Gala prom look was not. Fear not little monsters, the song Oscar is hers to lose.

Glenn Close – In the name of Alex Forrest, Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil & Albert Knobbs, Ms. Close is finally ready for her Oscar close-up! She really is that good in The Wife. An acting powerhouse whose time is long overdue & that acceptance speech may have just solidified it. Take the Fatal Attraction reunion kiss with Michael Douglas as proof that Glenn won’t be ignored this year.

Bradley Cooperde plane, de plane! Not exactly sure if he’s Mr. Rourke or Tattoo in that ice cream man white tux, but if you had told me in 2001 that the guy on Alias would one day become one of the industry’s most esteemed actors (and now) director, I’d say that was some sinister Fantasy Island shit.

Danai Gurira, Michael B. Jordan & Lupita Nyong’o – Wakanda Forever but cancel the CW, because this is the Dynasty reboot I want to see. Hey Netflix, I’ve found your new Alexis, Blake & Krystle Carrington.

Ben Whishaw & Mark Ronson – For the love of Propecia, this is what I call hair porn.

Jamie Lee Curtis – Activa does the body good! Laurie Strode murdered Michael Myers and turned into… Brigitte Nielsen?!  Oh and Ben Stiller, call me!

Patricia Arquette – Escape at Dannemora is a painfully slow burn that often times feels like a prison sentence, but so worth it for Patty’s insane performance. She’s unrecognizable & deserves everything!

Steve Carell – No joke, ain’t nothing funny about how good he looks. Steve Carell can get it. Thoughts & prayers for Welcome to Marwen.

Carol Burnett – If there’s one thing our divided shitshow of a nation can agree on is that we all love Carol. And while the word is thrown around so easily these days, CB truly is ICONIC.

Idris Elba & Taylor Swift – This is how you piss off Trump supporters. Their film adaptation of Cats is how you will piss off the entire country… now & forever!

Regina King – Her career is on fire, she’s never looked better and that inspiring don’t-you-dare-cue-the-orchestra acceptance speech! It’s Brenda from 227‘s world and we all just living in it.

Megan Mullally – I think Karen has been drinking from the Jennifer Lopez & Sandra Bullock fountain of youth. You go with your 60-year-old bad self Anastasia Beaverhausen! And hey, Kristen Bell.

Debra Messing – Hurry & grab a blinfold because this dress may be the closest we’ll ever get to seeing what the creatures in Bird Box looked like.

Mahershala Ali – With all the Green Book controversy, at least he doesn’t have to apologize for great acting.

Amy Poehler & Maya Rudolph– How many homophobic tweets does a girl have to have to get to host the Oscars?

Felicity Huffman – Looking like Brad Pitt-era Aniston!

Patricia Clarkson – So glad she won, but she should have also thanked closed captioning subtitles for allowing the world to figure out exactly what she was saying throughout her drunken southern drawl whispering in Sharp Objects.

Saoirse Ronan – Love her in everything, especially this custom made Gucci number!

Christian Bale – Props for that speech & while he is the ultimate shape shifter, everyone knows there’s only one person who can convincingly play Mitch McConnell …

 

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With apologies to the melting Nazi from ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark!’ #RESIST #SkinnyRepeal #Twins

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Alfonso Cuaron – I loved Roma but I’m so mad I saw it on Netlfix and not on the big screen. I’m still thinking about it.  And for those in the back, Cuaron’s the Oscar-winning Mexican director that didn’t make The Revenant or Birdman. That’s Alejandro Inarittu. Got it? Ok, gracias!

Darren Criss – He was fantastic as Andrew Cunanan in Versace, loved that he showed his Filipina mom some love & he is a great LGBT ally. All that being said, I think the loud jacket trend is officially over. Please send cards and letters to Carson Kressly, Ryan Murphy (above) & all your fabulous gay wedding guests.

Jeff Bridges – Congrats on the Cecil B. DeMille award. Now please take a moment of silence to pay your respects to Jeff in Against All Odds. #NeverForget

Emily Blunt & John Krasinski – I want to be John Krasinski’s beard. This is not a jab at Emily. I literally want to pack up and live inside his beard! That is my Quiet Place. So damn hot.

Halle Berry & Lena Waithe – The new Hollywood Power couple! The only thing hotter than these two together is that Boomerang promo.   We see you, Keith Urban!

 

The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story – I make fun of a lot of Ryan Murphy’s shows for often going off the rails, but hearing how so many younger gays (& straights!) learned a little bit of what life was like in the homophobic ’90s by watching this show really pressed upon me the importance of having his voice & power in the industry to tell these stories. Plus executive producer Brad Simpson’s speech is everything. “Resist in the street & resist at the ballot box, but live with love and empathy in our everyday lives.”

Olivia Coleman – I wish The Favourite was my favorite, but at least Olivia’s endearing speech was.

Janelle Monae – No, she’s not in If Beale Street Could Talk (although she introduced it) but I would see her in anything … well, except Welcome to Marwen.

Rami Malek – His fake teeth are no longer the most awkward thing about Bohemian Rhapsody. That distinction now goes to Malek and producer Graham King’s acceptance speeches as they purposely avoided acknowledging any of the movie’s gayness, i.e. disgraced director Bryan Singer. Oh mamma mia!

Nicole Kidman – She can do no wrong, the same does not go for her stylist who was the real Destroyer by having that inexplicable black bow ruin her sleek merlot Michael Kors gown. Now if she would just loan Keith Urban one of her award-worthy wigs, we could all be saved from yet another sighting of his 2005 flat ironed & highlighted L-word bangs.

Billy Porter – Diva to the dance floor, please! Category is: Andre Leon Talley meets a matador at game night at Liberace’s house realness. Tens. Tens. Tens across the board.

Stephan James – Lawd have mercy! Black velvet if you please …and for your nerves! He is snatched! Swoon.

Timothee Chalamet – Is he heading to Dancing with the Stars? Or Ice Capades? Wherever he’s going, I’m following. If that’s a sequined harness, then call me by your safe word.  Sequined bib? Then Beautiful Boy, indeed.

Cody Fern – Sheer & heels and smoky eyes, oh my. I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m confused. I’m obsessed. I’m here for all of it. The Versace & House of Cards actor just showed the world how to nonchalantly Werk & Serve & Face. Consider this the new uniform at Conde Nast. Sometimes when you break the rules, you make new ones. She’ll never admit it, but somewhere in the Scottish highlands, Tilda Swinton is staring at a white wall & smiling.

Chris Messina – So I guess I am into blondes now. Move over Hemsworth, Pratt, Evans & Pine, there’s a new Chris in town. With one dye job, he’s gone from everyone’s wannabe boyfriend to fuckboy.

Ricky Martin – Speaking of wannabe boyfriends & fuckboys, hola papi.

Charlize Theron – This is Charlize on the red carpet. This is also Charlize picking up a few essentials at Rite Aid. And this is Charlize when she wakes up in the morning. This is Charlize. Classic. Exquisite. Perfection. Movie Star.

Julia Roberts – Did you really think the most famous film actress in the world would attend an award show where she’s nominated for a television role and actually wear a gown?! Tonight was business casual for Jules & she looked flawless.

Elisabeth Moss –  Praise be that a little black dress never goes out of Scientolostyle.

 

Thank U, Next.

Gym. Tan. Lookalike!

Real Housewives of New Jersey star Dolores Catania and Wendy Williams on Surving R.Kelly must have the same hair, makeup and wardrobe stylists …or somethin’ like that.

When you’re originally from the Garden State you’re family.

RPDR All Stars 4

With all the deplorable crap going on in the world, one thing we can be thankful for is being gifted two All-Stars seasons in one calendar year!  As it’s only been 11 months since the premiere of All-Stars 3 in January, many of us are finally recovering from the subsequent controversial crowning of Shangela Trixie Mattel months later. HalleNOOOOO!

With that travesty behind us, here are three things I loved about the premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars 4.

  1. Brown Cow stunning! Monique Heart proved that with a fierce wig and a house beat anything can be fabulous. HalleMOO!
  2. Winter is coming, but for Farrah Moan it’s all about THE FALL. Ouch! It was the death drop heard around the world & that I rewound five times to watch.  Guess her face isn’t the only thing beat for the gawds.
  3.  Give me some Latrice Royale all day, every day! #GGGGG

Without further ado, here are the All-Stars 4 celebrity twinsies.

Monique Heart may or may not be morally corrupt, but Faye Resnick has definitely got snatch game!

Monique Heart/Faye Resnick

Naomi Smalls is a replicant & her legs cut like a Blade …Runner.

Naomi Smalls/Daryl Hannah Blade Runner

Lawd have mercy, Trinity Taylor is full of Grace. Every girl knows a good tuck is a kween’s best friend!

Trinity The Tuck/Debra Messing

Latrice Royale is a big Star, so take a little time to enjoy this view.

Latrice Royale. Star Jones

Valentina is pretty Sly … Stallone’s wife.

You’re perfect. You’re beautiful. You look like Jennifer Flavin. You’re a model!

Valentina/Jennifer Flavin.

Is Farrah Moan a NYC nightlife sensation? No, but she is trying to keep it real, Amanda Lepore real.

Farrah Moan/Amanda LePore

Gia Gunn came back looking like a total Fox.

Gia Gunn/Megan Fox

The rumors are true, Monet X Change loves Tina!

Monet X Change/Tina Turner

Manila Luzon is so animated this season. She’s a real comic! #Nancy

Manila Luzon/Nancy

Sorry haters, but Jasmine Masters is an iconic comedian. Roo roo roo!

Jasmine MAsters/Arsenio Hall

Now sashay away until next week!

Follow me:  https://www.instagram.com/thejohnnylopez/

 

 

 

 

 

Who’s that girl?!

With matching blonde weaves and heavy eyeliner, Bebe Rexha & Gwen Stefani Rita Ora through viewers for a loop by both allegedly performing at the the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show on Sunday.

Sources say rumors that the two numbers were actually performed by just one of the singers who changed lace front wigs in-between sets are undeniably false.

Fun fact: Both Bebe and Rita are of Albanian descent.

Find out who is who by watching the performances for yourselves!