Beauty | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

A major plot point in Jordan Peele‘s new horror blockbuster Us is the often ridiculed 1986 charity spectacle Hands Across America (HAA).

For those that have blocked it out (or weren’t born yet), HAA consisted of over 6 million people joining hands to form a human chain from coast-to-coast for 15 minutes on Sunday, May 25th, 1986, in an effort to raise money to stop hunger.

Due to the success of celebrity benefit singles like Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas” and USA For Africa’s “We Are the World,” HAA organizers tried to drum up publicity for the flash mob by creating a theme song in a similar vein.

But while Band Aid & USA For Africa featured A-list talent like Sting, Bono, George Michael, Diana Ross and Bruce Springsteen, the HAA anthem only managed to cull together studio session singers, the New Jersey Mass Choir and a few members of Toto (cue”Africa” & “Rosanna“), who were then credited as Voices of America.

Although the song only reached #65 on the Billboard charts, a freaking amazing music video was made with some of the biggest celebs of the day singing along to the the track’s ridiculously basic & sappy lyrics.

Included in the patriotic gem were Oprah, Barbra Streisand, Robin Williams with C3POMiami Vice stars Don Johnson & Philip Michael Thomas, a four-year-old Nicole Richie and, believe it or not, Andy Warhol.

Now whether or not you’ve already figured out all the easter eggs, metaphors and symbolism in Us, the HAA music video stands on its own as an underated goldmine of glorious ’80s cringe that you simply have to see/re-watch to believe AND to spot the 31 celebrity cameos.

WARNING: YOU CANNOT UNSEE THIS VIDEO

ICONIC.

Now please take another moment to honor the sacrifices of this random assortment of celebrities, who, despite their best intentions, paid a price for unknowingly serving SNL digital short realness in this glorious video masterpiece. #haaHaaHAA

1. Kenny Rogers


This video was such a turkey that five years later the country singer got the idea to launch Kenny Rogers Roasters. In 1998, the company filed for bankruptcy.

2. Don Johnson & Philip Michael Thomas


When the video was released in April 1986, Miami Vice was one of the highest-rated shows on the air. By the fall, the series plummeted to #26.

3. Michael Douglas & son Cameron Douglas


At the time, we were told no children were harmed in making this video.

4. Robin Williams & C3PO (& Candice Bergen)


The Robin, Candice and C3PO romcom was doomed from the start.

5. Diahann Carroll


Blink and you miss her! One year after Dominique Deveraux survived the Moldavian Massacre, she barely got out of this video alive.

6. Lily Tomlin


The closet makes you do terrible things.

7. Kathleen Turner


And she thought appearing in Billy Ocean’s When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going video alongside her Jewel of the Nile co-stars was a career low.

8. Yoko Ono & Sean Lennon


This is what you get for breaking up the Beatles!

9. Jane Fonda


Fonda, Raul Julia & Jeff Bridges all appear in this video, which means someone at 20th Century Fox thought it would be good press for their soon-to-be released film The Morning AfterAbort!

10. Raul Julia


Gomez Addams deserved better. Snap, snap!

11. Barbra Streisand


We still need Babs to apologize for this!

12. Lady Liberty


The Statue of Liberty debuted her new & improved look after being shrouded in scaffolding for two years during renovations. This was no way to treat a lady.

13. Michael, Cameron (again), Diandra Douglas


Michael & Diandra divorced in ’95. No doubt part of her $45 million settlement was for punitive damages suffered from the video.

14. Robin Williams & C3PO again


Despite having more sexually chemistry than Mork & Mindy, there’s was the love that dare not speak its name.

15. Nicole Richie


Nicole was just trying to live the simple life of a four-year-old normal here.  Later she would be notoriously undermined by Paris Hilton, heroin, a DUI, Ugg boots, & several reality shows.

16. Andy Warhol & maybe Brooke Adams (left)


Warhol was a genius & knew HAA would be an instant camp classic once the video’s 15 minutes of fame were over.  Sadly, he died ten months later.

17. Whoopi Goldberg & Mickey Mouse


The EGOT winner would later go on to be contractually bound by Disney to tolerate Elisabeth Hasslebeck for six seasons on The View.

18. Alfonso Ribeiro & Drew Barrymore


Parental guidance was strongly suggested.

19. Roberta Flack & Nona Hendryx


Killing me softly with THIS song!

20. Jon Cryer


The video came out two months after Pretty in Pink‘s release. It would be another 17 years until “Duckie” found success again on Two and a Half Men.

21. Glenn Close


At this point in her career, Glenn had only lost three Academy Awards. #Cursed

22. Father Guido Sarducci


On second thought, maybe it really was a SNL digital short!

23. Mikhail Baryshnikov


More unforgivable than what he did to Carrie Bradshaw!

24. Dyan Cannon


After this video, Cannon – who was once married to Cary Grant & has received three Academy Award noms – repented by becoming a born-again Christian. SAVED!

25. Jeff Bridges


Dude, no.

26. Susan Anton


‘Memba her? While the singer/actress’ height-challenegd relationship with Dudley Moore came to end prior to this video, Anton’s most recent credit is Sharknado: The 4th Awakens. You do the math.

27. Shari Belafonte-Harper


Harry Belafonte’s daughter dropped the Harper when she divorced her ex-husband, which coincedentally was about a year after the video.

28. Oprah Winfrey


Oprah’s meteoric rise is historic, but the fact that her talk show was nationally syndicated just five months after agreeing to be in this music video is suspect &, quite possibly, diabolical.

29. Lily Tomlin again


Tomlin is a lesbian icon & has been absolved of any wrongdoing. Don’t @ me.

30. Kevin Bacon


On a positive note, this video does level up everyone’s six degrees of Bacon game. #FTW

31. Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas again


Crockett & Tubbs signing off. #RIP

While the HAA video may be way more frightening than anything in Us, I definitely recommend seeing it if for no other reason than to witness an amazing dual performance by Lupita Nyong’o. She’s scary good!

Hands Across America
Hands Across the land I love
United we fall
United we stand
Hands Across America
Mother and Father
Daughter and Son
Learn to live as one
I can not stop thinking again and again
How the heart of a stranger
Beats the same as a friend
Learn to love each other
See these people over there?
They are my brother and sister
When they laugh I laugh
When they cry I cry
When they need I’ll be there by their side
We are the river of hope
That runs through the valley of fear
And there is a lady whose smile shines upon us
Saying all is welcome here.
Learn to love each other
See the man over there?
He’s my brother
When he laughs I laugh
When he cries I cry
When he needs me
I’ll be right there, right by his side
The kiss never felt so sincere
Full of countless dreams
This earth, it never smelt so sweet
Cradles a song in it’s great heartbeat
Learn to love each other
See the man over there?
He’s my brother
When he laughs I laugh
When he cries I cry
When he needs me
I’ll be right there by his side

ICYMI: WHO WILL PLAY LORI LOUGHLIN & FELICITY HUFFMAN ON THE BIG SCREEN, HBO & ON LIFETIME?

Now that Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman have been exposed, indicted and charged in The Great College Admissions Scam of 2019, the big question is who will play them on screen.

In a perfect world Aunt Becky and Lynette Scavo would play themselves ala Joan & Melissa Rivers in the 1994 NBC TV Movie Tears & Laughter: The Joan & Melissa Rivers Story, but the chances of that happening in 2019 are next to impossible.

The right actresses must not only look the part and be of similar age, but also deliver the needs of the production in terms of talent, star power and believability.

Here are my casting choices should the project land on the big screen, HBO and Lifetime.

If the amazing caper were to be turned into a big budget film for theaters, the casting would require A-list talent that could portray Hollywood versions of girls next door gone bad.

COMING TO THEATERS THIS CHRISTMAS … SANDRA BULLOCK & JENNIFER ANISTON in:


Rated R.  Under 17 requires accompanying parent or $500k.

If producers wanted to go in depth with a seven-part limited series on premium cable, then the roles would necessitate well-respected character actresses with multiple Academy Award nominations each.

HBO PRESENTS … MARISA TOMEI & LAURA DERN in:

Marisa Tomei & Laura Dern
The truth set them free … at a cost.

But if the story is rushed into production for a quick turnaround to air on basic cable, then the roles could be filled by anyone with even a sliver of a resemblance and the ability to keep a straight face while chewing up cheesy dialogue.

LIFETIME MOVIE EVENT OF THE WEEK… CHARISMA CARPENTER & CELINE DION in:

Charisma Carpenter, Celine Dion
Sometimes being a good mom is a crime.

Who do you think should play Lori & Felicity?

Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman

 

ICYMI: RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE SEASON 11 PREMIERE – CELEB REALNESS

 

The premiere of a new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race always leaves my head spinning.

So many kweens, so many names, so many attempts at being memorable!

Especially after Miss Vanjie‘s (Welcome back!!!) now-legendary turn flaunting all them cookies in just one episode last year, every girl came into season 11 with a bible of catchphrases, one-liners and shtick. I’m talking to you Silky Nutmeg Ganache!

Silky was my fave kween …for the first five minutes of the episode. But by the commercial break, her thirsty AF antics left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Gurl, breathe & simma down. Nobody ever wants that much dessert, evah. TRUST!

And finally, there’s our eliminated queen Soju. While pulling off another Vanjie-style star-making coup after sashaying away in the first episode is nearly impossible, bequeathing the world with her unforgettable “taint cyst” is quite the valiant effort. Annyeonghi gaseyo, Miss Soju. Miss Soju.  MISS …SO JU!

Now while I go change my last name to Davenport, check out the celebrity dopplegänger realness from episode 1.

 

MISS VANJIE – LA TOYA JACKSON

The children love Miss Vanjie so much you’d think we were at Neverland. #TooSoon

BROOKE LYNN HYTES – PINK

Brooke Lynn is starting on such a high that we may be seeing some aerial gynmastics soon.

NINA WEST – HEAT MISER

It’s the year without a Santa Claus for Nina. She’s too much!

SILKY NUTMEG GANACHE – OPRAH

No standing O for Silky’s thirsty behavior, but we are gonna need a sitdown interview.

SUGA CAIN – MEGHAN McCAIN

By the looks of it, Suga’s dreams won’t be aborted anytime soon.

YVIE ODDLY – SLICK WOODS

I’ve only got one thing to say: You betta werk, Supermodel!

A’KERIA C. DAVENPORT – LIL’ KIM

Something tells me A’keria can make a Sprite can disappear in her mouth.

ARIEL VERSACE – PEG BUNDY

Every big haired gurl from Jersey wants to be married with children, okrrrrr.

SCARLET ENVY – TAMMIE BROWN

Proof that being Pearl‘s daughter is not the weirdest thing about Scarlet.

PLASTIQUE TIARA – JESSICA ALBA

We need to be honest about Plastique’s chances.

HONEY DAVENPORT – KENYA MOORE

This New York queen is gone with the wind fabulous, hunty!

RA’JAH O’HARA – RUTH POINTER (SISTERS)

I’m so excited to see what Ra’jah can do this season, sis.

MERCEDES IMAN DIAMOND – J.LO

Don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got, she’s still early ’90s Jenny from the block.

KAHANNA MONTRESE – EVE

Kahanna’s skills are the talk, so I’m hoping Ru will let her blow ya mind.

SOJU – BETTE MIDLER

The power of Drag Race means a cyst on your taint can still lead to outrageous fortune.

Who are you rooting for? So far, it’s still all about Vanjie for me.

 

ICYMI: RPDR ALL-STARS 4 PREMIERE – CELEB LOOKALIKES

 

The sudden death of Luke Perry from a massive stroke at the age of 52 today has been devastating.

It’s been a rough day in the 90046 for me, and for boys and girls of a certain age that grew up crushing on Dylan McKay.

Ever since Beverly Hills 90210 premiered on October 4, 1990 – the day after my 19th birthday – I was hooked.  An adult show about teenagers was a rare commodity in those early days before Dawson, before Felicity, even before the Salinger 5.

Dylan McKay was also my first crush when I finally began to realize (yet not fully accept) I was gay. Sure I liked others before, but never like this.

From the get-go you were either Team Dylan or Team Brandon (Jason Priestly).  And for me there was no contest. I was a skinny closeted recovering New Waver easily drawn to the sexy brooding loner with the pompadour, to say nothing of the jeans, the motorcycle & THE SIDEBURNS.

I grew out mine and watched 90210 every week. Back then it wasn’t cool to like a teen show in college, but me and a few close girlfriends would gather every Thursday night (it moved to Wednesdays in Season 3) to indulge in our secret obsession.

To this day, Sophie B. Hawkins‘ “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” always brings back memories of the summer Dylan cheated on Brenda with Kelly …and how we all wanted to be Kelly.

Years later, when Dylan left the series for two seasons, so did I.

And while I crushed on Dylan, I was equally taken with Luke.

He was why I went to see Buffy the Vampire Slayer in theaters, rented 8 Seconds the day it came out and still have the shirtless July 1992 Vanity Fair shot by Annie Leibovitz. So hot!

My crush on Luke is why I was genuinely happy to see his career renaissance as ‘the dad’ on Riverdale. While at the same time, horrified at the realization that I too could be the father of an extremely goodlooking twentysomething teen. Yikes! How did that happen?!

And that’s the thing, Luke was just five years older than me.  The man that gave this closeted teen life is now another reminder of his mortality. 

I didn’t know Luke and never met him, but he always seemed like one of the good guys.

I read that Luke died surrounded by his two children, fiancée, ex-wife, mother, siblings and other friends & family.  He was so loved, but we all knew that.

Luke Perry & Dylan McKay are gone, but neither will ever be forgotten.

 

The 91st Academy Awards started on the wrong foot months before anyone entered THE MALL that houses the Dolby Theatre. (You didn’t forget that the Oscars are held at a mall, right?!)

The Kevin Hart debacle & deciding to go hostless, all the misfires with the categories, Kendrick Lamar & SZA not performing their nominated song & the vocal dissent of Green Book and Bohemian Rhapsody from the communities they were allegedly trying to represent. It was a disaster waiting to happen and in the end I thought it all came out … just fine.

Here’s the thing, sometimes bad is, at the least, more memorable and, perhaps, better than just fine.

I didn’t really miss having a host and thought things were moving along faster than usual since they nixed the endless montages, skits and inevitable attempts to go viral. I’m talking to you Ellen & NPH.

Even the red carpet was fine. But at the Oscars, we need a statement. We want some drama. We deserve the WOW! While the days of Bjork swan dresses are now relegated to thirsty headline-chasing C-list Deplorables at the Grammys, I’ll take Rachel Weisz‘s red latex American Horror Story over Laura Dern‘s basic ’90s bridesmaid any day. (I still love you, Laura!)

On a positive note, I will say it was fantastic seeing a broader representation of winners, as women and people of color accepted awards in 16 out of 24 categories. And possibly the best line of the night was uttered by 25-year-old Iranian-American filmmaker Rayka Zehtabchi (right) as she accepted the award for Best Documentary Short: “I can’t believe a movie about menstruation just won an Oscar.” Period. End of Sentence, indeed.

1. Adam Lambert – Welcome to the Grammys Oscars! I am so here for an openly gay man kicking off  the Oscars by paying tribute to the body of work of a legendary gay bisexual gay bisexual rock star that was the subject of a huge box office hit under a set adorned with a drag queen’s blonde wig. You betta, werk! Not bad for a guy who came in second on American Idol. Also, watching Allison Janney, Queen Latifah, Javier Bardem, et al. wave their arms in the air is more unity than we’d ever get from any Kevin Hart homophobic tweet monologue.


2. Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph – In the name of the Tina, the Amy and the Holy Maya, save us from the next 3 and a half hours. Also, I have on good authority that Maya is wearing drapes from a Pigeon Forge, Tennessee AirBnB and that’s fine by me!


3. Regina King – Brenda from 227 just did that! Absolutely stunning. Beale Street is gagging!!!


4. Rachel Weisz – Oops she spit in my mouth again! The correct question is not, who are you wearing, (Givenchy!), but, what is your safe word? Forget Vanity Fair or Madonna’s, I want to know what after-party she’s dom topping at?


5. Emma Stone – Never has serving burnt waffles with a failed honey bee colony glaze over a grimy BBQ grill looked so glamorous. So glad she’s not in pants again!


6. Stephan James – Red velvet if you please! Someone DM me when Zara knocks this off. I need this. I don’t have anywhere to wear this, but I will. Winner: Best dressed male.


7. Ruth E. Carter, Hannah BeachlerBlack Panther costume & production design winners. Giving us talent, LEWKS and great speeches. Proof that “smaller categories” should not be given out during commercials. And their best is definitely more than enough.


8. Jennifer Lopez – J.Lo has been bringing it to the Academy Awards red carpet since 1997 (right) & she never disappoints. NEVER. People love to bash her acting & singing, but being a mutha fuckin’ STAR is a talent deserving of an honorary Oscar, a biopic and an animated short. And besides, Second Act might have been the most fun I had at the movies this year. Yep, I said it.


9. Chris Evans – I need Chris Evans, his green velvet blazer & this to be a romcom, immediately! What’s that? Oh, snap! Second Act 2 has just been greenlit.


10. Alfonso Cuaron – With three wins for Roma (my favorite film of the year) and two previous wins for Gravity, the Mexican director is building a wall …of Oscar statues. Si se puede!


11. Jennifer Hudson – JHud has an Oscar, 2 Grammys and can blow the roof off the Dolby Theater on any given Sunday. Not bad for someone who came in 7th on Amercian Idol.


12. Brian May – He’s the lead guitarist in Queen, but his hair is straight out of The Favourite. #HouseOfLordsRhapsody


13. Dana Owens – Queen Latifah introducing a movie about lesbian royalty may have been The Favourite moment at every Oscar view party from West Hollywood to Hell’s Kitchen.


14. Angela Bassett & Javier Bardem – She’s Black & 60 & he’s Latin & 50 (on Friday), but they’re both white HOT. Dayum! Ok, but what I want to know is: where was Penelope Cruz? Seriously, do we need to be concerned?


15. Bette MidlerJoy Behar, is that you? 73 & fab-u-lous! The Divine Miss M was Mary Poppin’ out of that dress.  Now I need to watch “Otto Titsling” from Beache, again.


16. Charlize Theron – She’s back, honey and so is her Aeon Flux hair game proper. Mennonite chic. Cult wife glamour. Late 19th century school marm for your nerves. Yes, YES, YAASSS! On anyone else it would be complete and utter failure, but Charlize can do no wrong in my book. Only two more spots left next to J.Lo & Charlize on the Mount Rushmore of Hollywood Fashion. Also, go watch Tully, because you must.


17. Mahershala Ali – And just like that he became the 12th straight star to win an Oscar for playing gay.


18. Michelle Yeoh & Pharrell – The epitome of every straight couple on any date night anywhere in the USA  — she’s dressed to the nines and he’s in shorts.


19. Kacey Musgraves & Linda Cardellini -Their colors are blush & bashful. Fresh off the runway of the 1968 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. They both told their stylists they wanted looks that went from day to nightgown. So in that sense it was a success.


20. Gemma Chan – No offense to Crazy Rich Asians, but Angelyne’s duvet is now the funniest thing she’s been in.


21. Mike Myers & Dana Carvey – Oh mama mia, mama mia! This L-Word reboot looks interesting.


22. Diego Luna & Jose Andres – One cooks hot dishes, the other is a hot dish, and they both hate Trump. Dinner is served!


23. Paul Rudd – He’s turning 50 this year and hasn’t aged in 20 years. That’s him in ’99 (right).The male Jennifer Lopez lives!


24. Lady Gaga – Last night she broke the internet! Kidding aside, the Gaga-ssance since 2013’s ArtFlop has been astounding. 2 Super Bowls, 2 Oscar performances, Grammy wins and now her own actual Academy Award. #ForYourConsideration


25. Bradley Cooper – Somewhere in all the Gaga ASIB buzz I forgot he was even nominated for Best Actor. But just like Glenn Close, he has 7 Oscar nominations & 0 wins. If nothing else, at least the “Shallow” duet – reprising the chemistry between Jackson Maine & Ally – was a win.


26. Spike Lee & Barbra Streisand –  No sleep til Brooklyn! Also, when one of your Oscars is for Best Song from a previous version of A Star Is Born, but you introduce BlacKkKlansman instead, that’s a read.


27. Rami Malek – Adorable. And just like that he becomes the 13th straight star to win an Oscar for playing LGBT. His speech wasn’t as good as Tom Hanks for Philadelphia, but at least he said: “We made a film about a gay man, an immigrant who lived his life unapologetically as himself.” Mentioning HIV/AIDS, Freddie Mercury by name and for the first time somebody acknowledging the Bryan Singer mess would have quelled at least some of the film’s backlash. But probably not.


28. Olivia Colman – And just like that she becomes the 14th straight star to win an Oscar for playing LGBT.  The gasp! The upset! The speech! In a night full of Queens, Olivia ascended her throne & into America’s hearts. My only question, is she truly the lead in The Favourite?


29. Glenn Close …but still so far! I bend the knee to Glenda Veronica of the House of Close, First of her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the 7 Nominations, Lady of the World According to Garp, Protector of The Big Chill and The Natural, Breaker of Fatal Attractions, Dangerous Liaisons & Albert Knobbs, Khaleesi of The Wife, Slayer of Gaga, Mother of Acting, Rightful Heir to the Oscar Throne. Vengence is hers & Winter is coming! #GlennOfThrones


30. Frances McDormand – Her Tony Award-winning denim jacket has been overthrown by her Oscar-presenting Birkenstocks!  She’s doesn’t give AF and it’s iconic. Even without a Grammy, give her the EGOT because I can’t stop singing her praises. Putting her next to J.LO & Charlize on the Mount. Don’t be fooled, a FASHION LEGEND walks among us… in sensible shoes!


31. Billy Porter – Category is: YOU OWN EVERYTHANG! Call security and a nurse, because there is a man in a gown on the red carpet & he just slayed the house down boots! This is the drama. This is the statement. This is the WOW we’ve been waiting for. NYC ball culture was honored. History was made. And we all got served! Halloween costume shopping starts now.


32. Cicely Tyson – You guys, Cicely was born in 1924. She is 94. NINETY-FOUR. And she showed up wearing all of this last night to pick up her honorary Oscar. They technically gave it to her in November at the Governors Awards, but this needs to be praised, respected and meditated upon for generations to come. We are not worthy. J.Lo, Charlize, Frances & Cicely. The Mount is now complete.


33. Selma Blair – The 46-year-old walked her first red carpet since revealing her MS diagnosis. Amazing. Please read her Instagram post.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

There are moments that define us. This is one of those indelibly watermarked in my heart. This is #troynankin ; my former publicist turned manager , best friend , and fake husband. We joke. I have become a different woman in the last few years, through struggles and the intense pride of motherhood. @vanityfair has always been a champion of mine, like Troy. And yet, I have not fully realized my capabilities as an actress. I wanted to be at this red carpet to remember my first time attending with a not yet famous friend, @jakegyllenhaal . I believed in him and his career and wanted him there. And this dinner always symbolizes so much. And I kept going because it was always a night in hollywood that was full of hollywood dreams with all the talent present in their glory. I loved to watch. I was invited this year. I am featured in March issue . Thank you @radhikajones @kristasmith @samiranasr #juliemiller @cassblackbird . So this was a streak of light. To say I am here. I am still in an exacerbation so there was some nervousness. I don’t do anything the way I was once able. I will though. I can regain much. Mommas gotta work. And I will be able to do so much more on my own, But this man. Until that comes …This man and a host of others light the way and hold the moon @thetexastroya was a hero. Wanting me to shine brightly in a time that can be so challenging. He knew I wanted to be able to stand proudly as the woman I have become and hope to be. To be a part of something so special when my body won’t move clearly yet. And then I felt the love from the photographers who have watched me goof around on red carpets since I was in my twenties. I felt the warmth of the bulbs. The strength of my gown. His attentive touch. And still I hoped my brain could send signals for the remainder of my time there. And I sobbed. And I appreciated every single second. Every surprising tear, he was there. As he has always been. And that is the reason I could. Thank you Troy. We got me just where I wanted to be. For a night. And I later pushed my way into a family photo with @dianaross (omg) . So much to post but not before this one. True love. Right here. Forever.

A post shared by Selma Blair (@selmablair) on


34. Julia Roberts – Gorgeous woman! Fun fact: If you present Best Picture you are Hollywood royalty & Julia was the first solo female presenter of Best Picture since Barbra Streisand in ’91.  That was 28 years ago. Seriously WTF, Academy?! And are we sure there wasn’t another Warren Beatty/Faye Dunaway LA LA Land/Moonlight mix up? Are we sure it said Green Book?  Where’s the envelope? Did Jussie Smollett send it? Recount!


35. Madonna & Lady Gaga – If you haven’t heard, there is now gay world peace, Trump is no longer president, universal healthcare is the law of the land and Jake Gyllenhaal finally received his Oscar for Nightcrawler. Sleep well, Earthlings. Don’t @ me. Good night!

ICYMI: 11 STRAIGHT STARS WHO WON OSCARS FOR PLAYING GAY … 

 

UPDATE: On Sunday, Mahershala Ali, Rami Malek & Olivia Colman became the 12th, 13th & 14th straight stars to win Oscars for playing LGBT characters.

 

Sunday is the Gay Super Bowl and Adam Levine will not be taking off his shirt!

And while this year’s Oscar ceremony has been plagued with a series of misfires, starting with the whole Kevin Hart homophobic tweets debacle, it promises to deliver plenty of gay content with the usual A-list red carpet arrivals and performances by Lady Gaga, Bette Midler, Kendrick Lamar & SZA, Jennifer Hudson, and Adam Lambert with Queen.

In addition, seven of the 20 acting nominees  – Rami Malek (Bohemian Rhapsody), Mahershala Ali (Green Book), Monique Colman, Rachel Weisz, Emma Stone (The Favourite), Melissa McCarthy and Richard E. Grant (Can You Ever Forgive Me) – portray LGBT characters while being actively straight in their private lives. Progressive!

While that’s all fine and good, this year, unless alleged bisexual Lady Gaga wins for Best Actress, there will once again be no openly LGBT star taking home the gold for acting. In fact, no OPENLY GAY person has ever won an Oscar for acting.

Although there have been several openly LGBT Oscar winners including Sam Smith (song), Elton John (song), Scott Rudin (film), Bill Condon (screenplay), Melissa Etheridge (song) and director Pedro Almodovar (foreign-language film, original screenplay), none have been in the acting categories.

LGBT thespians like Jodie Foster, Kevin Spacey, Joel Grey, Charles Laughton, Janet Gaynor and Marlon Brando have all won Oscars for acting, but were not publicly out at the time, if ever.

The only one that comes close is Sir John Gielgud, who won Best Supporting Actor in 1982 for Arthur.  But whether he was out at the time is debateable, as he never publicly discussed his private life.

So while there’s been no truly loud & proud queer acting winners, there have been nearly a dozen openly straight actors who have received the coveted 8.5 lb golden trophy of a chiseled, bald, muscular man for playing an LGBT character. A character, who, more often than not, leads a tragic life and winds up dead by the end. For your consideration, bury your gays!

And while I have no problem with straight actors playing gay, a shout out to the community in your acceptance speech is always a welcome gesture.

So here are the 11 stars who bravely went gay for pay, won an Oscar, and then gave LGBT inclusive (and not-so inclusive) acceptance speeches.

*WARNING! SPOILER ALERTS INCLUDED!*

1. William Hurt in 1986 for Kiss of the Spider-Woman

Hurt, a white cis straight man, won Best Actor for playing Molina, a South American transgender woman jailed in a Brazilian prison for having sex with a minor.  After working for the secret police and falling in love with a fellow prisoner (sexy Raul Julia), she is set free. Not long after, Molina winds up shot by revolutionaries and her body dumped in a pit by police. Roll credits!

In his acceptance speech, Hurt made no specific mention of the LGBT community, but did thank “the courageous people in Brazil with whom I made this film.”

Side note: Brazilian actress Sonia Braga shines as the aforementioned Spider-Woman and who Sex and the City fans might recognize as Samantha’s lesbian lover in a few episodes.

2. Tom Hanks in 1994 for Philadelphia

Hanks won his first Best Actor Oscar playing Andy Beckett, a gay corporate lawyer who sues his firm after being fired for AIDS discrimination.  With the help of a homophobic personal injury lawyer (played by Denzel Washington), Beckett winds up winning $5 million in damages. Denzel’s character manages to overcome his homophobia just in time to allow himself to physically touch Beckett’s face, who then dies in a hospital surrounded by his lover Miguel (Antonio Banderas). Cue the Springsteen song!

In his acceptance speech, Hanks thanked his gay drama teacher and a fellow gay former classmate. Those words would later lead to the inspiration for the 1997 film In & Out starring Kevin Kline.

I mention their names because they are two of the finest gay Americans, two wonderful men that I had the good fortune to be associated with, to fall under their inspiration at such a young age. I wish my babies could have the same sort of teacher, the same sort of friends.

But it’s because of Hanks’ emotional homage to the millions of people who had died from AIDS that this speech is often considered one of the best in Oscars history.

I know that my work in this case is magnified by the fact that the streets of heaven are too crowded with angels. We know their names. They number a thousand for each one of the red ribbons that we wear here tonight. They finally rest in the warm embrace of the gracious creator of us all. A healing embrace that cools their fevers, that clears their skin, and allows their eyes to see the simple, self-evident, common sense truth that is made manifest by the benevolent creator of us all and was written down on paper by wise men, tolerant men, in the city of Philadelphia two hundred years ago. God bless you all. God have mercy on us all. And God bless America.

3. Hilary Swank in 2000 for Boys Don’t Cry

The former Beverly Hills 90210 star won her first Best Actress Oscar portraying Brandon Teena, a transgender man who was brutally raped and murder by two cis men in Nebraska in 1993.

While forgetting to thank her then husband Chad Lowe made all the headlines, her final words are what truly needed to be lauded, especially back in March 2000.

I want to thank Brandon Teena for being such an inspiration to us all. His legacy lives on through our movie to remind us to always be ourselves, to follow our hearts, to not conform. I pray for the day when we not only accept our differences but celebrate our diversity.

4. Nicole Kidman in 2003 for The Hours

Kidman notched Best Actress by donning a prosthetic schnoz (The Kidman Nose™) to play bipolar, bisexual author Virginia Woolf, who committed suicide by drowning in 1941.

In her speech, Kidman didn’t reference gays, Woolf, or her nose, but she did use part of it to honor families and soldiers torn apart by the start of the recent war with Iraq.

Fun fact: Due to the invasion, traditional red carpet arrivals were cancelled & no one did press interviews. #Homophobic

Another standout moment from her speech was that Kidman was accompanied in the audience by Bella, her rarely seen Scientologist daughter with ex Tom Cruise.  That’s gotta count as some sort of gay bonus points, right?

5. Charlize Theron in 2004 for Monster

Theron gained weight, lost her brows and cancelled her Dry Bar appointments to transform into lesbian serial killer Aileen Wournos. While Theron became the first African woman to win Best Actress, in real life Wournos was exectued by lethal injection in 2002.

As would be expected, Theron made no mention of Wournos in her speech, but she did thank: “Tony G for transforming me.” So there’s that.

6. Philip Seymour Hoffman in 2006 for Capote

Hoffman took home Best Actor for playing out gay author Truman Capote in the biopic that centers on the events that led up to writing In Cold Blood.  Sadly, Hoffman and Capote’s real-life struggles with drugs and alcohol were factors in both of their early deaths.

Hoffman didn’t bring up Capote in the speech, but did give an especially poignant shout out to his mother and what mama’s boy doesn’t love that? Totes gay!

7. Penelope Cruz in 2009 for Vicky Cristina Barcelona

The Spanish star won Best Supporting Actress for her role as spirited bisexual Maria Elena, who begins a thrupple relationship with her real-life husband Javier Bardem and Scarlett Johansson in the Woody Allen romcom. Not only did she get an Oscar, but her character is still alive at the end. Baby steps!

In her speech, Cruz thanked out gay director Pedro Almodovar, with whom she often works, for creating many great female characters and letting her be apart of “so many of his adventures.”

8. Sean Penn in 2009 for Milk

Madonna’s ex-husband won his second Best Actor Oscar for portraying slain gay rights icon Harvey Milk.

The 2009 ceremomy occurred just months after Prop 8 passed banning gay marriage in California and Penn used his time to call out the Deplorables haters.

I think it’s a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren’s eyes if they continue in that way of support. We’ve got to have equal rights for everyone.

Also of note, out Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black won the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay.

9. Natalie Portman in 2011 for Black Swan

Portman danced away with Best Actress for playing a ballerina in the psychological thriller, but it was her trippy girl-on-girl sex scene with Mila Kunis that really gets a standing, or is it lying down, O. It’s unclear what is real or not in the whole movie, but her fate by the end of the film doesn’t look good.

While she didn’t acknowledge her sapphic scene, Portman did give shout outs to “people on the film that no one ever talks about that are your heart and soul every day” like hair & makeup (gay), wardrobe stylists (probably gay) and camera operators (definitely lesbians!).

10. Christopher Plummer in 2012 for Beginners

Plummer won Best Supporting Actor for playing an elderly widower who comes out of the closet following the death of his wife. Although the character dies from cancer, he does manage to find love with a younger man and forges a new closer relationship with his adult son (Ewan McGregor).

After winning his first Oscar at the young age of 82, Plummer gave a career’s worth of thank yous to his handlers and family, but no nod to the gay community.

Fun fact: Plummer was nominated for Best Supporting Actor again in 2018 for All the Money in the World, a role he took only after Kevin Spacey was edited out of the completed film due to his sexual assault allegations. Oh and don’t forget, Spacey finally came out publicly while responding to those allegations. How lovely!

11. Jared Leto in 2014 for Dallas Buyer’s Club

Leto won Best Supporting Actor for playing Rayon, a drug addicted HIV-positive trans woman who eventually dies from AIDS-related complications.

Unlike his fellow Oscar-winning co-star Matthew McConaughey, Leto finished his acceptance speech by addressing the epidemic and those who inspired the role.

This is for the 36 million people who have lost the battle to AIDS. And to those of you out there who have ever felt injustice because of who you are or who you love, tonight I stand here in front of the world with you and for you.

Almost Extra Credit:

Cate Blanchett in 2005 for The Aviator

Blanchett won Best Supporting Actress for playing Katharine Hepburn in the Howard Hughes (Leonardo DiCaprio) biopic. While the legendary film icon’s sexuality had been the subject of rumors throughout her career, it was not addressed in the Martin Scorsese film.

Obviously, her speech makes no reference to Katharine’s sexuality or anything LGBT related.

But Blanchett would go on to receive her 7th Oscar nomination for playing a divorcée who begins a lesbian relationship with a younger woman in Carol. Suprisingly, it’s one LGBT movie that doesn’t end tragically.

Now we’ll have to wait until Sunday to see this if this list needs to be updated with Rami, Mahershala,  Olivia, et al.

As far as finally having an out LGBT Oscar winner for acting, that’s just one more positive thing I’m hoping to see happen in America in 2020.

The 91st Academy Awards air Sunday at 8pm ET/5pm PT on ABC.

ICYMI: THE BEST, WORST & THE WTF FROM THE 2019 GRAMMYS

If the 2019 Grammys had run any longer they would have had to tap Hoda and Kathie Lee to finish hosting. At three hours and 45 minutes, the show was endless, yet full of a slew of amazing female performances. Thankfully, my Super Bowl rant was heard and the DIVAS delivered.

Alicia, Dolly, Diana, Gaga, J.Lo, Cardi, Janelle, Kacey, Brandi, MICHELLE, the list goes on and on. It was ladies night and the feeling was oh so right.

So here are 25 things about this year’s show.


1. Gaga. Jada? Alicia. Michelle. J.Lo – aka The Moment! – Beyonce is shook! Michelle Obama turned the Grammys into the return of Divas Live. This almost makes up for the disaster that was the Super Bowl halftime show last week. Almost. This deserves a Vegas residency, a memoir and an EGOT.  Not only is  the internet broken, but all diseases have been cured, everyone has a perfect credit score and we’ve all subscribed to Jada’s Facebook Watch show. Ok, you’re right. Red Table Talk is taking it too far.


2. Alicia Keys – Styling by Rhoda Morganstern. But her performance was the actual Super Bowl halftime show we needed and deserved. Now unless homophobic tweets surface, Alicia can host the Oscars, the State of the Union and game night at your Aunt Beverly’s house. Sashay you stay, Alicia Augello Cook.


3. Lady Gaga – Hair. Body. Face. The bastard love child of Sammy Jo Carrington, Dale Bozzio from Missing Persons & late-90s Courtney Love. Three Grammy wins later, it’s Gaga’s world and we’re just living in it. I know many thought the performance was extra AF, but I’m all for seeing A Rock Star Is Born. Only two weeks until she tops off her amazing year by losing Best Actress to Glenn Close. Ha-ah-ah-ahhaaa-ah-ah-ah, haaawaah, ha-ah-ah-aaah!


4. Ricky Martin – Exactly 20 years since his career-changing performance of The Cup of Life at the ’99 Grammys that ignited the Latin Explosion, Ricky opened the show with a bilingual salsa-fied In the Heights-esque performance alongside Camila Cabello & J.Balvin that had me livin’ la vida loca. And just so you know, I absolutely have not been Googling white suits and mustache trimmers for the last 12 hours.


5. Shawn Mendes – Sorry Dua Lipa, but the real winner of Best New Artist goes to Shawn’s bare, buff, smooth, supple, loving arms!


6. Miley Cyrus – Dolly Parton duets and plunging necklines be damned, but long hair Miley will forever be Hannah Montana.


7. Kacey Musgraves – Katy Perry? Courteney Cox?  Kyle Richards? Paris Hilton in a wig? Who is Kacey Musgraves? She’s the rich white woman snatching all the trophies, that’s who. Get it, gurl.


8. Janelle Monae – Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to see Janelle Monae slay the house down boots! The Robert Palmer girls have been leveled up. She’s got her legs exposed & her sapphic Stormtroopers in tow, so Janelle is here, she’s queer and I can get used to this!


9. John Mayer – I hate to admit it, but I would totally let John Mayer cheat on me.


10 . Post Malone – There’s so much content here, but right now I’m most concerned with his camel toe.


11. Red Hot Chilli Peppers –  Larry, Daryl & Daryl have resurfaced! Now Bob Newhart  introducing Best New Artist makes even more sense, but the Chilli Peppers’ performance with Post Malone still does not.


12. Dolly Parton – Welcome to Dollywood! A stunning tribute, yet no one can do the 73-year-old justice. (Settle down, Katy!) It should give us all hope that there are only two types of people in this world: Dolly Parton fans and Dolly Parton super fans. Which one are you? #MakeAmericaDollyAgain


13. Cardi B –  You know it was her night when Cardi took the stage and yelled “Welcome to the Grammys!” … over an hour after the show started. The red carpet! The performance! The speech! All of it! QUEEN. History was made as the first female solo artist to win Best Rap Album. She’s CinderFuckingRella, but her evil Step Mother is gonna be pissed because she’s never won one. Also she needs a new Prince Charming. Okurrr!


14. Kylie Jenner & Meghan Trainor – There was a mix-up at the clown shop and they wore each other’s terrible outfit! Maybe I’m wrong and by next year Kris Jenner will have everyone wearing Kylie’s cattle (or is it kattle?) artificial insemination gloves. Regardless, send a pair to Meg!


15. Drake – Getting his speech cut was not the biggest indignity he suffered last night.


16. Diana Ross – Icon. Supreme. The Boss. And still no competitive Grammy wins! Zero. Drake was right, they don’t mean a thing. Her yelling “Happy Birthday to Me” is an anthem worthy of at least 3 Grammys, an all-star tribute and a Broadway musical. Dirty D!


17. Jennifer Lopez – What in Mexican telenovela hell is this? Jenny from the Cartel? The Norteño Grammys? Love makes you do stupid things, so I’m blaming this rare red carpet misfire on A.Rod. As for the Motown tribute, granted she may have been a very, very curious choice, but that performance proved she should have done the Super Bowl halftime show last year, this year & next year!


18. Smokey Robinson/Grey – The Grammy’s of the Damned …for that Motown tribute. I don’t know who Grey are, but a male blond duo hasn’t made an impression like this since Nelson.

 


19. Bebe Rexha – She said no designer wanted to dress her for the Grammys.  So she channeled her inner Anna Nicole and said “Like My Body!” …and they did.


20. St. Vincent & Dua Lipa – I am now a lesbian.  Take me to your leader, ladies! They were giving us L-Word in Space, the club scene in Basic Instinct minus Michael Douglas in a deep V & Jennifer Tilly/ Gina Gerson Bound realness. And I was here for all of it.


21. Yolanda Adams, Fantasia, Andra Day – I have nothing but R-E-S-P-E-C-T for their amazing voices. They did Aretha right. But they should have used some of their Black Girl Magic to find a stylist befitting of their talents. Seriously, Andra needs to send a cease & desist, stat! Say a little prayer.


22. Wilmer Valderrama – Damn, Papi.


23. Toni Braxton – The 51-year-old diva just won the 18-year challenge.


24. Weezer – Crockett & Tubbs could never! The OG hipster kings are living their best Miami Vice life, unironically.


25. Katy Perry – She tried it.


SPECIAL MENTION: Aida Cuevas – She’s the Queen of Ranchera Music, but now everyone will know her as the woman who wore Roseanne’s (I mean, The Conners’) couch to the Grammys. Pobrecita!

 

ICYMI: 20 THINGS YOU MISSED FROM THE SOTU SPEECH

 

They may be on an off-brand network, but the SAG Awards are doing something right. The show is a lean two hours with 15 categories, no overwrought numbers and presided over by a lowkey host.

With no homophobic tweet history to be found, Megan Mullally made it look easy, breezy and fun. She had some zingers, did a quick skit here and there, and mostly just let the show drive itself. No big whoop. So what? Who cares? And everyone goes home happy in time to watch Rent (not-so)Live on their DVR.

So whether you saw the SAGs or not, here are 15 moments that caught my eye.

1. Megan Mullally & Angela Bassett – This is 60. Icons & Legends only, the rest of us are all screwed.

2. Geoffrey Owens – Since the former Cosby Show star went from unemployed actor to front & center at the SAGs with multiple TV gigs just five months after being job shamed for working at Trader Joe’s, I’m expecting a big return from the universe for all those years of being shamed for buying 2 Buck Chuck. Seriously, hire me!

3. Matt Bomer & Ricky Martin – This made all the EPT results positive, melted all the Zara skinny jeans from Weho to Hells Kitchen and forced Mother to send Mike Pence immediately into a sensory deprivation chamber for the remainder of the Dump presidency. #TheRapture

4. Meg Ryan – Just kidding. Jane Fonda is the GOAT. Flawless!

5. Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper – (Today, the part of Halsey will be played by Anthony Ramos.) I have A Star Is Born PTSD, because anytime I see Ally Stefani & Brad standing on a stage together I can’t help but stare at his pants expecting it to happen again? Don’t do it, Jackson Maine!

Robin Wright – Category is: Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface goes to an award show and steals all the husbands realness. Based on this photo, Netflix has greenlit a House of Cards prequel where Claire Underwood time travels to the ’70s and for three seasons just dances and does coke at Studio 54. I’m so in!

Gabrielle Carteris – Here’s you’re annual reminder that while you were all chanting Donna Martin graduates, Andrea Zuckerman became SAG President!

Glenn Close & Michael Douglas – If you look real close you can see Lady Gaga boiling a rabbit behind them!

Patricia Arquette – If Patty can thank her co-stars, call out shady meal penalty infractions & praise Robert Mueller in a 90 second acceptance speech, you can get through Monday.

 

Awkwafina & Laverne Cox – This is the buddy comedy we need & deserve now!

Jason Bateman – So does best actor in drama series for Ozark mean he’s forgiven for mansplaining Jeffrey Tambor’s harassment of Jessica Walters on Arrested Development? Take your time.

Sandra Oh – Eve Polastri for the win again! And just like that Grey’s Anatomy is officially no longer her most defining role. RIP Cristina Yang.

Elisabeth Moss – Is the Scientolo-star slowly trading one cult for another? Praise be, the Deplorables?! If Leah Remini can’t save her, maybe Nancy Pelosi can!

Scott Bakula – I don’t watch NCIS: Dayton or whatever, but dayum grand zaddy! The 64-year-old has taken a quantum leap back in time.

Michael B. Jordan – What in S&M Laura Ashley floral hell is this?! Everyone lied to Michael B. Jordan. Louis Vuitton lied. Michael’s stylist lied. His publicist lied. The entire cast of Black Panther lied. Even Luenell lied and she had cougar spots sprayed into her head! This is not Michael B. Jordan’s fault. Michael B. Jordan has been wronged and we are all to blame. We all cheered on Timothee Chalamet & Adam Rippon‘s previous award show harness moments as fashion forward and edgy and then we turned around and put a glorified baby leash on Adonis Creed! On Johnny Storm!  On mutha fucking Killmonger?! We are all garbage and the only thing that can undue the damage is a celestial body. And by that I mean a photo of Michael B. Jordan shirtless.

Phew! My chakras have been cleansed, balance has been restored & all is right with the world. We must never see or speak of that again. Namaste!

If you didn’t watch the SAGs and chose to catch RENT (not-so) LIVE instead, here is a 15 second (Valentina-free) recap.

 

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PS: If you are keeping score, the Oscar frontrunners are now Glenn Close & Rami Malek for lead actress/actor, Mahershala Ali for supporting Actor (would be his second) and supporting actress a toss up between Amy Adams and Regina King. The Academy didn’t nominate SAG winner Emily Blunt. Stay tuned. #ForYourConsideration

Here’s the full SAG winners list:

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
Glenn Close in The Wife

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role
Mahershala Ali in Green Book

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role
Emily Blunt in A Quiet Place

Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture
Black Panther

Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Motion Picture
Black Panther

TELEVISION WINNERS

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Limited Series
Darren Criss in The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Limited Series
Patricia Arquette in Escape at Dannemora

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
Jason Bateman in Ozark

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series
Sandra Oh in Killing Eve

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series
Tony Shalhoub in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series
Rachel Brosnahan in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series
This Is Us

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

Outstanding Action Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Comedy or Drama Series
GLOW

The 55th Annual SAG Life Achievement Award
Alan Alda

1. Winter has come and Julie Chen is serving Khaleesi from the House of Moonves realness. She doesn’t have three dragons, only one … her husband! #ChenBotOfThrones

2. It’s been revealed that WWE star Natalie Eva Marie is actually the bastard love child of Ariana Grande & Demi Lovato. #TotalDivasLive

3. Lolo Jones is a favorite to win, not because she’s is an Olympian, but because as a 36-year-old virgin she’s got all the endurance tests in the bag. Yes, she’s the nearly 40-year-old virgin. #KellyClarkson

4. This is either OJ Simpson houseboy legend Kato Kaelin or Tilda Swinton‘s latest performance art piece.  The verdict’s still out.

5. Tamar Braxton & Joey Lawrence could make it to the end, but only if they form the secret Beautiful, Bald & Brows alliance. #Woah

6. “OG momager” Dina Lohan gets the sympathy vote, because she filed for bankruptcy last year to save her Long Island home. If she doesn’t win the $1ooK, season 2 of Lohan Beach House might just have a new VIP server on staff. #ParentalGuidanceSuggested

7. Jonathan Bennett is having a moment. Big Brother, Cake Wars, Ariana’s Thank U, Next video & he’s in a relationship with a former Chippendales dancer. So fetch!  After having his career stalled for being gay (he publicly came out in 2017) following Mean Girls, all I can say is: “you go, Aaron Samuels!”

8. First Omarosa and now Anthony Scaramucci. Can BB please stop sympathizing with these Trump enablers?!  The Mooch showed his snowflake status by whining: “I’m not happy there was a twist on day 1 of coming into the House.” But it’s unclear if he was talking about Big Brother or his stint with the Disaster-in-Chief.

 

Who is head of the household? Who is up for eviction? I have no clue, but with 4 episodes of #CelebBB a week, we better get a shirtless/speedo moment of Joey, Jonathan & Ryan, stat!

Until then, enjoy Joey’s 1993 classic video for Nothing My Love Can’t Fix.

 

Fifteen years after Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan is back and coming for Lisa Vanderpump‘s gigs!

The 32-year-old former child star turned former party girl is now a club owner, or at the least, playing one on TV.

Set in Mykonos, the premiere episode proved to be quite the educational experience. Here are 10 things I learned watching Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club.

 

1. The first rule of Lindsay Lohan Beach Club is never mention Lindsay Lohan Beach Club   always wear a bra.  Also, LOL to meeting with Spielberg! She funny.

2. The term “model marketing server” is apparently a thing and it’s douchy VIP lounge code for … server.

3. Blue hair is ok at Lohan Beach Club (and at the Golden Globes).  But two ladies with blue hair is not. #OnWednesdaysWeDyeYourHairPink

4. There are no production assistants or cabs in Mykonos, because LiLo is still driving herself around town. LAWD HAVE MERCY! 

5. Half of the show’s production budget went towards microblading for the male cast. Et tu, after-show host Jonathan Bennett.

6. Thirteen years since trust fund garbage person Brandon Davis called her out for being “$7 million poor,” Linds finally set the record straight.

 

7. Lindsay: “If she has more makeup than me then she’s fired.”  Um, agreed!

 

8. It’s official, Lindsay is not 45.

9. Lindsay: “The second you become emotional, I’m going to become like Putin. I have no emotion when it comes to money & business.” This also explains her performances in Liz & Dick  and The Canyons.

10. The true star of the show are Lindsay’s statement earrings. Hopefully someone paid for them!

 

And finally, if you need a non-Lindsay reason to watch next week’s episode, say hello (or is it yassou?) to Aristotle. I’ll be his brand ambassador anytime!

Now let’s pretend we’re in Mykonos and dance to the anthem of a generation. Welcome back, Lindsay!  #Rumors

 

ICYMI: 2019 Golden Globes Recap