2011 Golden Globes

Things learned watching the 2011 Golden Globes:

1. Nolan Miller must be dressing Hollywood again because I haven’t seen that many shoulder pads, sequins and sparkle since Dynasty’s Moldavian massacre.
2. I’m going to miss Ricky Gervais.
3. Christina Aguilera needs a water pill.
4. Tilda Swinton and Helena Bonham Carter need a reality show together.
5. With wins by Glee, Chris Colfer, Jane Lynch, Jim Parsons, Burlesque, Kids Are All Right, Annette Bening, and Scott Rudin, the Globes were so gay (and I mean that in a great way!) they made the Tonys look like a Yes on 8 rally.
6. Natalie Portman’s laugh will haunt your nightmares.
7. No matter what Sandy says, Scarlett Johansson and Sandra Bullock were kept on opposite ends of the telecast for a reason.
8. “Social Network” will probably win an Oscar, as MySpace gets ready to fold. It’s crazy how things change in 5 years … just ask Jennifer Lopez’s career.

As always, send me your thoughts and comments to thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Ricky Gervais – Anyone who has the balls to make a joke about closeted Scientologists on national television is ok in my book. That being said, someone let me know if his body surfaces.

Scarlett Johansson – Taylor Swift chic with a Franken-updo. Apparently Ryan Reynolds got to keep all the style in the divorce.

Christian Bale – Completely forgot he’s British. You gotta love a guy who isn’t afraid to have the exact same hairdo as his wife.

Katey Sagal – Peg Bundy looks hot… her dress not so much. Anyone know where her sisters, the “Double Trouble” twins, are?

Julianne Moore – Molly Ringwald wants her “Pretty in Pink” prom dress back.

That guy who played “Carlos’ – hot!

Leighton Meester – Didn’t Crystal Gayle wear the exact same thing to the CMAs in 1974? Country WRONG.

Chris Colfer/Glee – Congrats. Hopefully it really does get better from here.

Eva Longoria – The Anti-Scarlett Johansson … divorce never looked so good. Flawless.

Kevin Bacon – Six degrees of the Social Network …remove Kev’s glasses and he becomes Jesse Eisenberg.

Milla Jovovich – There must be another “Resident Evil” coming out this year because that’s the only time you ever see her.

Steve Buscemi – or John Waters with a weave?

Elizabeth Moss – from Mad Men to the Hillary Clinton biopic.

Christina Hendricks – With her porcelain skin, scarlet hair and huge breasts, Christina managed to find the perfect dress to …blend into the red carpet.

Jennifer Lopez – This is what a triple threat looks like in this economy. Singer/dancer/REALITY SHOW JUDGE!

Diane Warren – What the hell happened to Adam Lambert? I had no clue Diane was in “Party Monster.” Club kid realness!

Trent Reznor – you know Goth is over when even Nine Inch Nails has turned into a frat boy. Head like a a-hole.

Justin Bieber – The original choice to play Annette Bening’s character in “The Kids are All Right.”

Robert Downey Jr – It’s the Globes, not a wedding. Put on a tux.

Annette Bening – She obviously shares a hairstylist with Al Pacino.

Sylvester Stallone – If he keeps it up, his face is going to start looking like Nicole Kidman’s.

Tilda Swinton – Rockin’ the new GapMormon Sister Wives chic … for men.

Al Pacino – Somebody call Jack Kevorkian and put an end to the misery of his endless speech.

Claire Danes – Did she win for playing Temple Grandin or Carol Brady?

Temple Grandin – Can she come to every award show… just because? You know, like Jennifer Love Hewitt does.

Zac Efron – Roids much?

Tina Fey & Steve Carrel – Funnier than “Date Night.”

Chris Hemsworth & Chris Evans – Is it me or is Evans a lot less hot standing next to Hemsworth? Team Thor!

Olivia Wilde – Out of this world. No really. If you squint you can see the Little Dipper.

Jane Fonda – Fresh from a nip/tuck and wearing remnants of Carol Burnett’s Norma Desmond curtain dress.

Matt Bomer – Gay eyes.

Jim Parsons – Gay eyes with a little Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neumann.

Melissa Leo – Unrecognizable. Like Zoe Saldana in “Avatar”, no one will know Melissa is the mom in The Fighter. Where were the sisters???

Robert De Niro – No wonder the Fockers sucks, he’s not funny! Gervais gets all the flack but he’s the one who made a lame racist joke. Deport him!

Megan Fox – Sorry but no matter how many gowns and jewels you throw on “4 AM Angelina Jolie,” she still looks like she should be cooking meth in a San Bernardino Super 8.

Halle Berry – The Curious Case of Halle Berry. How does she do it? Half-Black don’t crack either!

Paul Giamatti – Stole the award from my Jake!

Natalie Portman — Forget the win, the dress and the baby, it’s all about the crazy Portman LAUGH. Awkward! I want it to be my ring tone. And she thanked everyone in her cast except … Winona! Stay away from any nail files, Nat.

Winona Ryder – Was not present to pick up her award for best comedic performance by a sometime actress.

Nicole Kidman – the only bump she hasn’t had smoothed over with Botox, Restalyne and plutonium … her baby bump! So much for the return of her face for “Rabbit Hole.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones (CSJ) – CZJ loves her some Astro Turf chic.

Lisa Chodolenko – Her next film should be SINGLE WHITE LESBIAN … starring Annette Bening.

Sandra Bullock – Bitchin’ bangs compliments of the Westminster Kennel Club. Best in show for sure.

Michael Douglas – Forget Laura Linney, he’s the real winner of the big C.

Mila Kunis – Lil CZJ ..if she were at an ‘80s prom in Queens.

Gabourey Sidibe – Her resort wear dress is available at a Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Anne Hathaway – Never mind her new gig on ‘Glee,’ Anne has a lock on playing Fallon Carrington in that new “Dynasty” movie.

Helena Bonham Carter – Rockin’ Emma Samms’ version of Fallon Carrington hair from ‘The Colbys”.

Michelle Williams – Please don’t pick the daisies!

Brad & Angelina – Every time Angelina applies lip gloss a third world baby gets adopted. She looked great,but it’s too bad by the time they made their way on to the red carpet even I was wearing an emerald dress!