Words Archives - J.LO | The Johnny LopezJ.LO | The Johnny Lopez


by Johnny Lopez

Maricón. It’s a derogatory Spanish word that I, like most gay Latin boys, know far too well.

As a kid, I heard it on the street. I heard it from people I knew. I even heard it at home via Spanish-language television. Whenever I heard it — even when it wasn’t being hurled directly at me — it made me feel small, ashamed and less than. It’s a word I could never really shake off.

Growing up, I was also frightened by the partner-in-crime of maricón, “faggot.” He came around a bunch too, but mostly in the schoolyard.

The Big F was extra loud and obnoxious, so I could usually see him coming and find ways to avoid the line of fire. Unlike Señor M, I knew that Big F had little chance of showing up in my safe spaces or in the middle of my abuelita’s Telemundo soap operas. Señor M was stealthy, and always looming, ready to expose, ridicule or worse.

During my time in the closet, Señor M made sure I stayed locked away in the dark. He kept me in check, on alert and miserable. He made sure I was punished whenever I was overly expressive, played with my sister’s Barbies or hung out with the neighborhood girls instead of the boys. Even worse, Señor M threatened to tip off my parents about my dirty little secret.

Unbeknownst to me, the bastard was also a pretty effective teacher. By the time I got to college, all of his lessons had been fully mastered; I scored straight As in both Suffering in Silence 101 and Denying Yourself Happiness. Now the only person beating me up was myself.

This internal war went on for several more years, continuing to rob me of joy, love and romance.

Then one day, at the point of exhaustion from repeatedly fighting off my persecutor, I surrendered. Taking a deep breath, I turned to my Cuban-born parents and simply said, “Soy gay.” I exhaled for what felt like the first time in my life, unleashed a deluge of tears and collapsed into my mother’s loving arms. I had survived the worst and made it to the other side. I thought I was free.

As most in the LGBT community know, coming out is an ongoing process that extends well beyond the moment you first announce who you are. It took me years to garner the strength to accept and reveal my truth, but it would take even more years to undo the residual shame, internalized homophobia and general feelings of unworthiness that came from being bullied by this slur.

Even after all of my work over the last two decades, living my best life as my authentic self, I realized I was still under the tyranny of my captor. I could still hear that Spanish voice telling me to dim my light in order to make others feel more comfortable. I could still hear that voice calling me maricón.

So this year, I finally said enough. Enough to this one-word childhood oppressor. Enough to these seven letters (accent on the ‘o’) that continued to have a hold on me as an adult. Enough to feeling small, ashamed or less than.

This year, feeling louder and prouder than ever (the one positive effect of being subjected to this relentlessly vulgar, corrupt, backward and vehemently anti-LGBT administration), I chose to unravel the grip of Señor M once and for all.

This year I chose to reclaim the word for myself, and reclaim my time (thanks, Auntie Maxine) under its torment. This year, maricón, I chose to stand tall in my rainbow socks and finally own you!

Words have power, but so do I.


After finishing the second season of Stranger Things, I couldn’t help but find each of the main characters’ Upside Down bizarro twins.

With the exception of Will, they all have a doppleganger that referenced a star or character from the ’70s, ’80s or ’90s.

Anyway, enjoy the fruits of my lazy Sunday and trust there are no spoilers if you haven’t finished yet.


1. Will Byers – Anne Hathaway

Sure Will’s got that Joey Lawrence Gimme a Break Dorothy Hamill ‘do, but the only thing scarier than surviving the Demogorgon is that Anne won an Oscar for singing! I Dreamed a scary Dream!

2. Mike Wheeler – Isabella Rossellini

There are worse things for a 13-year-old boy to be compared to than the eternal beauty of Lisle Von Rohlman from Death Becomes Her.


3. Lucas Sinclair – Arnold Drummond (Gary Coleman) in Diff’rent Strokes

Whatcha talkin ’bout who ya gonna call, Lucas?


4. Dustin Henderson – J.T. Lambert (Brandon Call) from Step by Step

The scene was straight up Duckie in Pretty in Pink, but Dustin’s weave was the quintessential ‘short but long’ cut of my guido high school and this ’90s child star.


5. Eleven – Jamie Lee Curtis (Terror Train/Prom Night era)

Eleven is truly the scream queen for a new generation.


6. Steve Harrington – Sandra Bernhard

Ladies love them and their luxurious Fabergé sprayed hair.


7. Billy Hargrove – Rob Lowe as Billy Hicks in St. Elmo’s Fire

Speaking of hair, don’t forget they say the accessories make an outfit


8. Nancy Wheeler – Diane Franklin (The Last American Virgin, Better Off Dead, Bill & Ted’s)

It’s all about being an ’80s It girl. So be careful, Nancy! #WhereAreTheyNow


9. Jonathan Byers – Michael Jackson

The wispy hair, the delicate features, the pale complexion. Maybe I’m the only one that sees it, but Jonathan makes me want to SCREAM!


10. Max Mayfield – Carrie (Sissy Spacek)

A redheaded girl without many friends. Hold the pigs blood, because Max has got the power!


11. Lucas’ sister Erica Sinclair – Dee (Danielle Spencer) on What’s Happening!!

Can you say scene-stealing wisecracking younger sister? Then how about, “No Roger, No Rerun, No Rent!”


12. Joyce Byers – Winona Ryder in Lost Souls

No one does frazzled anxiety quite like Nona. She also hasn’t aged in 20 years. You can’t steal that from Saks!

And finally my favorite ’80s film reference in season 2 goes to Hopper‘s Silkwood shower.


Alien, ET, Firestarter, Pretty in Pink… (insert ’80s film here) be damned, nothing tops the hard brush scrubdown of the Meryl Streep film classic. Check out a more thorough list of ’80s references here.

And if you need something else to binge, check out my podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC!  for all the week’s loud & proud pop culture noize. It’s funny, I swear!




 Things Learned From Watching the 2017 Grammys

  1. Beyonce can get her mother, sister and daughter screen time, but still doesn’t have the power to get Michelle Williams‘ shift covered at P.F. Changs so she can make a cameo at the Staples Center. Rude! #PoorMichelle

2. By the way Beyonce is flaunting her second pregnancy, it’s obvious we still don’t know who carried her first one. #TheTruthIsOutThere

3. The only person who hasn’t tired of hearing “Hello” is Adele. True story!

4. Keith Urban will be amazing in The Betsy DeVos Story.

5. The highest level in Scientology is OT: Shady ’80s Vegas Lounge Act. Save us, Leah Remini!

6. Immediately following their Bee Gees tribute, Little Big Town performed at your cousin’s wedding in Encino. And they took requests!

7. The imaginary Quentin Tarantino film that Dwight Yoakham & Jason Derulo are living in is going to be amazing.

8. Apologies to Chance the Rapper, but it will always be too soon to bring back Cosby sweaters!

And now a few more silly words on some petty shit. Enjoy!

Beyonce – Narcissistic? Yes. Self-indulgent? Of course. Over the top? Clearly. But c’mon, who doesn’t L-U-V a pop queen on her throne? Now, against your better judgement, yell “slay.”

Adele doesn’t need to dance. Adele doesn’t need backup dancers. Adele doesn’t need elaborate stage shows. Adele doesn’t need to parade her body in a unitard. Adele has a voice. Adele has unparralled talent. Adele can stop and restart her performance on live television and you will love it and cheer and, against your better judgement, yell “slay.” These are not alternative facts!


Lady Gaga & Metallica – The Super Bowl was 7 days ago. The Super Bowl is now a memory. The Super Bowl never happened. Now if, against your better judgement, you yelled “slay,” that’s on you.

Katy Perry – ALWAYS. GETS. IT. WRONG.  So Becky may finally be WOKE, but the gurl cannot find a decent outfit if her rights depended on it. She ought to shave her head, as it would be her best lewk yet!  On the positive side, at least NO ONE yelled “slay.”

Jennifer Lopez – She’s been slaying destroying the red carpet since that infamous Versace number, but it’s J.Lo’s stick straight synthetic hair extensions that feel leftover from 2000.  It’s time to leave this overdone trend on the floor! Sorry, mija.

Demi Lovato – Serving KARDASHIAN on the carpet & ’70s SARKISIAN (as in CHER-ilyn) on stage. Guess she’s done being cool … for the summer.

Maren Morris – Winner of best country something or other. What I want to know is: Will she accept this rose? #SheLooksLikeSomeoneOnTheBachelor

Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – They are both turning 50 in a few months. Is country don’t crack a thing?


CeeLo – Can someone please Uber Gaga’s 2011 egg and send him home?

Bruno Mars –  Definitely enjoyed it, but there was just one thing missing from his Prince tribute — Wendy & Lisa! 

Rihanna – You don’t need an award, when you’re the coolest chic in the room. Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. “____!”

HalseyAlls I see is a mashup of early Pink, JLo’s Versace thirst and TLC “Creep.” Next!

Paris Hilton Jackson -The resemblance is uncanny. She has her father’s … last name.

A Tribe Called Quest – The one thing I won’t #resist … using “President Agent Orange!” Pass the Courvoisier, Busta!

And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my weekly pop culture podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below.



With the Golden Globes this weekend, Hollywood will most likely play it safe for the show’s annual red carpet on Sunday.

But on Saturday, it seemed the film and TV elite gave their stylists a much needed night off and were left to their own devices to attend the wardrobe & weave malfunction-palooza that was the Art of Elysium gala.

While the event did honor avant garde fashion legend Vivienne Westwood, these B-list stars – and Johnny Depp – just looked downright strange.


1. Juliette Lewis – As the Megyn Kelly of Scientology (aka the one you excuse for her affiliation with a batshit crazy org), I fully support whatever role on Once Upon a Time she’s trying to land. #XenuPrincess


2. Amber Heard & Johnny Depp prove that despite their combined fortunes, box office flops and 23-year age gap, it’s still a very thin line between Hollywood hipster couple and Real Housewives of New Jersey cast. #fuggeddaboutit


3. Kaley Cuoco and sister Briana Cuoco – Forget what she’s wearing (no, really!), because  I bet many of us have never really realized just how much visibility the Big Bang Theory star is bringing to non-white actors everywhere. #OITNB


4. Zendaya – Isn’t it better to have your weave smell like patchouli oil and weed than Rite-Aid sale rack?! #WigInABag


5. Malin Ackerman – With Madonna causing a scene across town at Sean Penn‘s Haiti benefit, Malin stood in for the Material Mom by donning her best “Express Yourself” wig drag. Don’t go for second best baby!


6. Ed Westwick – I think the Gossip Girl star was drugged, because how else do you explain the Cosby sweater suit & the highlighted tips?! #ChessKing


7. Christina Hendricks is giving you Mia Farrow at the AVN Porn Awards realness. #FreeSoonYi


8. Bella Thorne – It’s obvious she drank the Vivienne Westwood purple Kool-Aid. Unfortunately, this teenage Cuban-American Disney princess is about as punk rock as Green Day.


9. Paz Vega – At some point in the last decade, the Spanglish star (‘memba that?!) transitioned from Penelope Cruz’s twin into Anne Hathaway’s. #AyDiosMio


10. Raven-Symone has never looked so good! DAYUM! Oh wait, it’s actually Christina Milian. Carry on.

Stay tuned for the Golden Globes recap … perhaps.

American Music Awards
Ten Things Learned Watching the AMAs:

1. By the looks of all the homely gals in Rampage dresses, tickets to the ceremony were strictly available to students within the San Fernando Valley school district.

2. There is actually something more meaningless than an American Music Award, Taylor Swift’s entirely made up Dick Clark Award for Excellence. It too can be yours if you’ll splurge on Diana Ross’ appearance fee.

3. Supermodel Karlie Kloss is being Single White Female’d by Taylor Swift. The tousled bob and crop tops don’t lie.


4. Don’t get your fake accent and ponytail twisted, Fergie has been doing the faux-ghetto pop/rap thang way before Iggy Azalea even got her first silicone ass injection. Trust!

5. Fifteen years after Chris Gaines crashed and burned, Garth Brooks has now taken to making rare televised appearances as a black-clad Boss Hogg.

6. One Direction consists of the cute one, the ethnic one, the dainty one, the one that should be in O-town and the one that looks like Chloe Grace Moretz. That’s my best guess, anyway.

One Direction

7. Someone needs to tell Jennifer Lopez that Booty is the new fetch. It ain’t gonna happen, bae. But damn she can move.

8. Britney Spears is still a huge influence on the new class of female pop stars, as evidenced by their lazy, seemingly drug-induced live performances (I’m talking to you Ariana, Iggy, Selena).

9. At 26 and 22 respectively, Jessie J and Sam Smith are waging a semi-private battle with progeria.

1o. The casts of The Walking Dead & Orange Is The New Black will forever be known by their characters’ names.


Pitbull — With apologies to People for the Ethical Treatment of Award hosts, but he needs to be put down. Mr. Worldwide nuisance. And being bilingual, I had no problem understanding his Spanish, unfortunately it was his attempts at English that had me completely baffled. Silencio!

Patrick Dempsey, 48, & Josh Duhamel, 42, – Heirs to the John Stamos fountain of youth.


One Direction – I don’t know which one is gay, but I do know that at least two of them are lesbians. With 5 Seconds of Summer and all these other children running amok on stage, One D have instantly garnered some sort of cred for having at least been around since Obama’s first administration.

Ansel Elgort – The Fault In Our Stylists! All men may be created equal but not all can get away with a bolero jacket and printed leggings.


Charlie XCX – Finally answering the age-old question: what if Mila Kunis had recorded an album …and worn orthopedic sandals?! Boom snap!

Rita Ora and Julianne Hough – in Overdressing with the Stars! But in fairness, when your chances of attending a legit award show are nil, what are you going to save that Bebe Haute Couture for?


Magic – So that’s what Adrien Brody has been up to. Of the crop of new male singers, he’s the only one to have not blown his new-found riches on hair and wardrobe.

Wyclef Jean – ‘Memba him?

Iggy Azalea – real name Amethyst Amelia Kelly – Take away the inner city accent and the butt implants and she’s giving you millennial Portia de Rossi. Her Cold Hearted Snake meets Olivia Newton-John Physical inspired performance of Beg For It was all about her male backup dancers. Call me!


Becky G – Lil Salma Hayek.

5 Seconds of Summer – Proving that boy bands no longer require any cute members, but Drybar appointments and shopping sprees at Hot Topic are still mandatory.


The Walking Dead ladies – For once the heads exploding were not on screen but at home as viewers tried to decipher if Michonne was Lupita (No!) and Maggie was British (Yes!).


Imagine Dragons – If they perform a song and it’s not Radioactive, does it still annoy?

Crazy Eyes and Piper – They’re  better off having Laverne Cox do their hair in prison.

Sam Smith – Winner of Best Pop Male Performance in a Dorothy Zbornak duster. If you check his deep pockets, I bet you’ll find tissues and hard candy.


Dianna Agron & Nathan Fillon – Proving Glee and Castle are still on the air. Who knew? PS, what’s Castle?!

Jhene Aiko and Meghan Trainor – They’re just days away from announcing their partnership portraying Mulan and Elsa in Disney Princesses on Ice.


Luke Bryan – The country singer also known as …that kinda hot guy in marketing at your office. See you in the staff meeting, boo.

Lorde – real name Ella Marja Lani Yelich- O’Connor – I’m a fan and love all of her spaztastic moves. But the weirdest thing about her is that she’s friends with Taylor Swift. My ‘80s new wave high school self can’t comprehend that fact. It’s like trying to imagine Bjork and Debbie Gibson hanging out in 1989. Ew, Shake It Off!


Ariana Grande – I’m just going to assume that if Lorde danced like she was having a stroke then Ariana must have suffered the speech impediment side effects.

Khloe, Kendall and Kylie – Kardashian triplets, as they all look 30 yet sound 16.

Selena Gomez – She needs to know her audience. If anything, people feel sorry that she dated Justin Bieber not that she broke up with him.


Lil Wayne & Christina Milian – Their performance was audibly censored, not for profanity but as a gesture of good will toward viewers.

Nicki Minaj (performing with Skylar Grey) – Wearing a baptismal gown and a one of the wigs retrieved from my Halloween bin after 11 and a half months of storage.


Diana Ross – Legend. Icon. The Boss. So how big a diva do you have to be to get someone to properly tug your wig forward a tad? Upside down you turn your weave!


Fergie – She suffered a wardrobe malfunction, but at least she didn’t piss her pants. And no, she will never live that down. La la la la la.

Jennifer Lopez – Whether on the red carpet or on stage, she’s always FLAWLESS. Well except, that time she fell performing Louboutins, but whatevs. That Vegas residency is going to be the shizz!

While I have your attention… my good friend Joshua Rogers has written a funny, romantic and realistic short-film called Pick Up, that chronicles as a young, gay man – who works as a driver for a ride sharing app – reveals his HIV diagnosis to a potential partner for the first time.

To get the film made, a Kickstarter campaign has been launched. I hope you can take a few minutes to check it out, donate if you can and help promote the campaign.


Thanks so much!




Johnny Lopez

That time Frontiers Magazine  included me in their list of Most Eligible Bachelors of 2014!


VMAs Things learned watching the 31st Annual MTV Video Music Awards:

1. Sway is still fully employed … at least twice a year.

2. Nicki Minaj almost had the worst wardrobe malfunction of the night, second only to fashion fail queen Katy Perry.

3. A Groupon to DryBar does not a pop star make, MTV please stop trying to make Becky G & Fifth Harmony happen. #fetch

4. The VMAs need to always be held in New York (and air live for the West Coast!). Maroon 5 in The Forum parking lot just can’t compare to Katy Perry singing under the Brooklyn Bridge or Taylor Swift performing on a moving subway train.


5. Chelsea Handler, Gwen Stefani and Kim Kardashian should star in The Injectables 3.

6. Twerking is dead. This year it’s all about co-opting homeless models.

7. With all these unsupervised childrens running amok on the red carpet, JLO came to school them all into submission …and perhaps find a new lover.


8. TRESemme hair products, apparently, go with everything … even extremely awkward and quick Robin Williams tributes.

9. The world is going through some crazy shit right now with Ebola, Ferguson, Gaza, droughts and most horrifying … the upcoming Dumb & Dumber sequel!

10. SHE once again answered the question: Who Runs The World?

Holy Bey

With a generation growing up watching Idol, X-Factor, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, Rising Star, the pop stars of today may know how to lip synch but they’ve forgotten how to PERFORM … as proven by this year’s litany of dud numbers. ‘Memba Madonna rolling around in a wedding dress to Like a Virgin or her incomparable Marie Antoinette Vogue masterpiece or even Britney’s so-bad-its-good Gimme More career implosion? The millennial wannabes of today need to stop taking selfies and get back to workin’ on their show game!


Ariana Grande – Inglewood, we have a Problem … GapKids should not have an S&M collection! Thank God she can actually sing, otherwise we might have had to put her sleepy dance moves and My Little Pony hair extension out to pasture.


Nicki Minaj – Three performances in under two hours! Nobody’s worked their butt that hard since Jenna Jameson.

Jessie J – I had no idea The Good Wife could sing like that! Nicki_sides

Snoop Dogg & Gwen Stefani – Look y’all, bonafide pop stars in the house!

Katy ‘Always Gets It Wrong’ Perry – The best thing to come from her emulating Britney & Justin’s infamous denim ensembles from the 2001 American Music Awards was that we weren’t subjected to what she would have worn had she been left to her own devices again. This Is How We Don’t.

Lorde – Darlene Conner, is that you?


Taylor Swift – Forum renovation or not, this is the first and last time you will see her in Inglewood. Shake It Off, strong enough for the radio but made for a hair commercial.

Jason Derulo & Jordin Sparks – Kim & Kanye’s stand-ins.


Becky G & MTV host Christina Garabaldi – Wouldn’t their time be better spent accepting a rose from a Bachelor or something?

Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels – Where’s Common ushering a moment of silence when you need him?


Kim Kardashian – Showing off two big boobs — sisters Kendall & Kylie!

Kendall & Kylie – The first graduates of The Taylor Swift Dance Academy For Annoying Award Show Attendees.


Sam Smith – They call him the male Adele, not just for the amazing voice but because he too suffers from Progeria! He’s only 22! Taylor Lautner is OLDER than him.


Crazy Eyes, Laverne Cox & Taylor Schilling – Orange Is The New … Destiny’s Child? Look quick and it’s Kelly Rowland, Beyonce and the white Michelle Williams.

Usher – His next single should just be called Suit & Tie.

Nina Dobrev – I woke up like this! No, really, did you see her hair?


Austin Mahone – Gwen Stefani’s future lover … or Sam Smith’s.

Chloe Grace Moretz – In another homage to 2001 fashion, she was in Elle Woods drag.

2014 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

5 Seconds Of Summer – Can you say OVER-STYLED? Not even KISS wears that much man product! Since Labor Day is in a week, does that mean they’ll go away then? Makes me nostalgic for the good ole days of One Direction & The Wanted.

5 seconds

Iggy Azalea – Arrival dress by SammyJo Carrington. Hair & makeup by ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Accent by rapper Eve, Rosie Perez and her own affectation.

Rita Ora – She normally looks like a cross between Gwen Stefani and Rihanna, but during her Black Widow performance she was all about channeling Mini Britney.

mini_britney Rita-Sides

Adam Levine – ‘Wait the hot guy on The Voice is in a band called Maroon 5?’ – said every teen girl in America.

Jennifer Lopez – Tens, tens, tens across the board! No one bought her last record (although it’s actually pretty good) but she’s still the hottest 45 around!


Miley Cyrus – I’m all for her championing a good cause, but she should leave the waterworks theatrics for the Ice Bucket challenge.


Beyonce – After a chorus of amateur opening acts, SHE reminded us there was time when the VMAs were filled with memorable, elaborate and properly executed performances. The Church of Beyonce is calling on you to prey. I hope all the pop toddlers sitting in the audience took out their BLUE books (is there an app for that?)  and LEARNED because you can’t figure out how to be a true STAR on the Internets or on a televised karaoke show! Flawless.

Jay-Z – Hova must have re-signed the contracts and made his penance otherwise he’s gonna see a billion dollars go down in an elevator!


Solange – No she wasn’t sitting next to Jigga, Blue Ivy and Kelly Rowland in the audience, but that’s only because Bey was the last performer and the cleaning crew had to start immediately.

And now on to Emmy Monday …

http://www.frontiersla.com/frontiers-blog/2014/05/06/drag-race-ru-cap-sissy-that-walk-episode-12 sissy3

It’s down to the final four, and the contestants are really starting to wig out as they shoot RuPaul’s latest music video. Check out the most outrageous thangs from last night’s final elimination before the finale episode.

Courtney Hack So Logo must be editing out some amazing footage of Courtney, right? I mean, can she really be so delusional that she has no clue whatsoever that she hasn’t been even remotely as fierce as she think she has? Maybe she’s convinced she’s still competing in some Australian drag competition television series, because the gurl is bananas. The simple fact is that she’s a man that can look like a gorgeous woman, but that alone doesn’t make a good drag queen. Where are the flawless performances, sassy one-liners or even this so-called amazing Idol voice of hers? All I see are exquisite legs, expensive wigs and contrived speeches. Plus, she doesn’t get that beneath all of Bianca Del Rio’s bitchy comments lies heart and truth, two things she doesn’t express in the least. Congratulations, Courtney, you have somehow managed to polish all the emotional realness from your act. sissy2

Ru are you? She always gives good tuck, but this week Ru got his panties in a wad to channel his inner Yul Brenner in The King and I as the eye patch-wearing photographer and a ‘70s Electric Company-era Morgan Freeman to play Charles in the “Sissy That Walk” acting challenge. Even after all these years the HBIC can still give you butch queen first time in man drag at the ball.

Adore-able Producers are making their case for the metamorphosis of Adore Delano from the Azusa boy in a Rite-Aid wig to the fully realized confident drag supastar that she is. After winning last week, and with not a single needle and thread required on this episode, she pretty much aced all of this week’s performance challenges. She also simultaneously produced just the right amount of tears—and heart-wrenching speeches—to win over Ru. Further working in her favor, and to the dismay of Courtney and Bianca, the show is known for loving an unpolished queen (Tyra Sanchez, Sharon Needles, Jinkx Monsoon). So unless her Twitter fans fuck it up, it appears in two weeks that her ‘trashy girl aesthetic’ may finally have a good reason to party. Besides, any twentysomething queen that can make a 1984 Phoebe Cates ‘Lace’ reference without skipping a beat is a winner in my book. sissy4

Bianca Del Ay Dios Mio! She’s been too strong for too long. And that’s why they tried to show cracks in Bianca’s pancake foundation by having Darienne Lake and Courtney blabber about her being nervous (s-t-r-e-t-c-h!) and showing her stumble a bit on the treadmill. Is that all they got? Ru said it best when he mentioned that Bianca helped out all the young gurls because they posed no threat to her. Because she’s the champion! While she displayed that she’s not completely comprised solely of bitchy retorts and one-liners by getting vulnerable, dropping her ‘wall’ and sullying up her eyeliner, BDR’s biggest flaw is that she doesn’t need the show to tell her she’s America’s Next Drag Superstar … she already is. tumblr_n54qvtiDwy1qzqtn5o1_2501

Too Little, Too Lake Just when you thought it was safe to dredge Darienne Lake, she goes and gets all touchy-feely and endearing with Ru. Plus you’ve got to give the beyatch props for maneuvering that treadmill like a pro, especially because you know she probably hasn’t been on one too often. DL ramped up the acting and put her back into it, getting so wrapped up in her melodramatic performance she even dared to flash one of her Jolie pork loins while writhing on the floor in hysterics. Throw in her established lip synch skills and she finally proved how talented she could be when not expending so much energy bitching about Dela, Bianca or her age. But in the end this glamazon may have been too big for her britches and had to sissy that walk on out the door.


It’s the final six of Season 6, and someone got sick! So, here are the seis most outrageous things from last night’s episode.

6. Orange is the New Whack
Now that the whole she-mail debacle has been rectified, the most offensive thing on RPDR is its treatment of people of color … specifically those of the Oompa Loompa persuasion. From Santino Rice and Michelle Visage to Neil Patrick Harris and husband David Burtka, this week’s judging panel’s overuse of bronzer was so severe that authorities were almost called in to issue an Amber Alert. Tanning makeup kills, and somebody needs to save these chilrins!
5. Sew What?!
Adore Delano can’t stitch, cinch or do anyone else’s makeup if her life depended on it … and on this show, it does. But the gurl’s got personality, can perform and always manages to pull through in the end. Most importantly, she gives great interviews. So with all the fishy queens being taken out one by one, the time has come for Ms. Courtney to get her Act together. We’re 10 episodes in and still waitin’ for her to stop tawkin’ about how fabulous she is and finally brang it, henny.
4. I Don’t!
Was it me or was that entire marriage thing just strange? And I don’t mean because the ‘brides’ and ‘grooms’ were in drag. Maybe my heart is colder than Bianca Del Rio’s, but the whole half-sincere, half-joking vow exchanges were even more bizarre and confusing than a Lindsay Lohan miscarriage revelation. Speaking of … while I’m obviously all for gay-positive heterosexual couples, sometimes these heavy-handed ‘on a very special episode’-type segments (and the accompanying mood music) should just be aborted from the get-go.
3. Male Order Brides
Who doesn’t love a good makeover? While Bianca’s drag bride was the only decent doppleganger (Joy Behar, is that you?), the others provided some unfortunate wigged out looks. Joslyn’s reluctant protégé’s transformation did leave him looking like the female Gremlin … crossed with the blending skills of Season 5’s CoCo Montrese and the demure glamour of To Wong Foo’s Noxzema Jackson. Darienne Lake took out her rivalry on BenDeLaCreme by serving her guy some Michelle Visage realness, while Courtney and Dela successfully made their mother-of-the-brides look exactly alike and indecipherable from each other. And ay yay yay, Adore. Her bridezilla had the makings of a young Big Ang from Mob Wives … and needed to be taken out. Send these drag daughters to their rooms, stat!
2. What Does the Fox Say?
Joslyn Fox really is sickening. Sadly, it required a mop, bucket and two production assistants to prove it!  While I did grow to like J.Fo with her sweet demeanor, clueless giggle and out of drag Lori Petty chic, she just never really ramped it up and wowed us (ahem, Courtney Act). While her Vegas showgirl meets Long Island hoochie taste level was surely lacking, something should be said for the fact that she managed to always play nice and never really threw shade. A Drag Race first? But in the end, she lip synched and got out-Foxed by Adore’s stomping ratchet stage persona.
1. Bianca Del Rio
Congratulations, you are America’s Next Drag Superstar. Roll the credits.


With two back-to-back episodes, this week had me questioning if RuPaul’s Drag Race was doing so badly that LOGO decided to burn off a week to save its losses. But then I realized, it’s LOGO, and what do they actually have to air in its place, Mr. Belvedere reruns? Anyway, thankfully we now know the super-sized double dose was because of this week’s non-elimination episode. So shanté you stay for an extra 60 minutes.

The Lake Haus
Speaking of super-sized, Darrienne continued with her tactic of picking a fight with Dela as a means of staying in the game. Herstorically, big gals have had about a size zero chance of winning, but creating faux dramz with the nicest person this season all but assures she makes it closer to the end. While she comes off sounding sad and bitter in all her rants, if she can keep the contrived turmoil up as well as she does her moobs, the bastard love child of Larry Bud Melman and Ursula from The Little Mermaid may just have a chance to represent the curvy girls in the final three.

Category is: Bianca Del Rio rRealness
And the winner is … Leah Remini. Was she a judge or a contestant? Leah may have narrowly escaped from Scientology with her life, but there is still one thing she wasn’t able to properly beat—her face. Someone please let her know makeup that harsh is only appropriate if you have a penis or after being driven home from a pre-Grammy party by Chris Brown.


With their natural White Chicks shtick, Laganja and Adore had this challenge in their giant leather Louis Vuitton bag. While Ganj’s bitchin’ and moanin’ about being overshadowed proved once again why she’s a total designer impostor, Adore’s one-liners, facial expressions and ‘dead dog’ runway realness further reiterated the fact that’s she’s the real deal. Party!

Oh Nomi Didn’t
Poor Courtney Act and Joslyn Fox. Despite being the two fishiest gals, there isn’t enough Glamazon Colorevolution in the world to enhance their mediocre Housewives act. While Court should gets bonus points for the Klaus Nomi (google alert for the kids!) runway ensemble, the four peeps who might have actually gotten the reference sadly don’t watch this show. In the end, it was Dela and Darienne battling it out to the “Point of No Return,” which proved to be a misnomer because no one sashayed away. Darrienne’s delusional hatred of Dela gets to live another day.

The Holy Trinity
It’s amazing how well Trinity K. Bonet did after a few encouraging words from Bianca … and the crafty handy work of the show’s producers. I understand the powers that be need to deliver a story arc, but this feels like the most blatant example of a contestant’s evolution being determined not by their talent but by that of the show’s editors (and the insertion of Ru’s cackling laugh throughout her stand-up). Sorry Ru, but I’m just gonna … say it, if you tell us Trinity has broken out of her shell and taken it to the next level (and we’re not just being shown her two best edits) then we’ll have to take your word for it, but it all sounds a bit like a Ru-se to me.

Comedy is a Challenge
There were two hysterical parts to the Drag Queens of Comedy—Bianca Del Rio’s set and the cast of elderly hobos, street urchins and assorted vagrants picked to be in the audience. As far as the gurls, Courtney was quite successful with her season-long mission to consistently underwhelm, while most shocking was the fact that normally on-point comedy queens Adore and Dela bombed. Joslyn finally stood out from the pack—by being in the bottom two—while Laganja imploded through her relentless Mad Libs use of ‘momma’ and ‘werk’ amid her latest disastrous routine. But thanks to their synchronized gymnastic abilities, this week’s lip synch proved to be a split decision. Unfortch Ganj played the Stupid Girl and broke the cardinal rule of drag and de-wigged herself (although it worked for Trinity, mmm hmmm). Sashay away, Momma!

Game Ovah
Please hand Bianca the crown already. While her mastery of wit and flawless execution of every challenge is sickening, homegirl even upped her glam game in that black and white princess runway getup. While B’s brand of ‘evil nice’ is sometimes mean, always funny and never wrong, her sage and endearing life coach skills with Trinity also prove there’s more than just a black heart underneath all that foundation and exaggerated eyeliner. And while she seems like the sure thing destined to take it all, don’t be fooled chilrins, as it’s still early enough in the season for producers to concoct an entirely new storyline … and winner. Exhibit A: Raven in season 2. Exhibit B: Chad Michaels in season 4. Just sayin’ …