2011 Emmys

Things learned watching the 2011 Emmy Awards:

1. I watch way too much reality TV because I’ve never heard about a quarter of these scripted shows. “Detroit 187” who? “Justified” what?
2. If Kate Winslet agrees to do anything on television, you damn well better give her an award.
3. From Julie Bowen to Melissa McCarthy to Peter Dinklage, this year’s winners really did come in all shapes and sizes.
4. They still make TV miniseries.
5. With a record number of musical numbers and gay references, the Emmys are the new Tonys.
6. And on the seventh day God created … Sofia Vergara.
7. Michael Bolton performances should come with a warning, ear plugs and a five second delay.
8. I have a new celebrity crush/obsession – newly skinny and hot “Enoturage” star Jerry Ferrara. Wowza!
9. Ellen, Neil Patrick Harris, Queen Latifah, Hugh Jackman and now Jane Lynch – see, only gays can host award shows! That being said, I think Eddie Murphy will do a swell job at the Oscars.
10. They opened a really good Abbey in downtown LA? Who knew?

I interrupt your regularly scheduled episode of “Real Housewives” or “Jersey Shore” to bring you this scripted television award show recap. Feel free to tell me your thoughts, critiques and/or praises!

-Johnny Lopez

Jane Lynch – Thought she did a pretty good job in making the Emmys amusing and bearable this year (minus the endless miniseries/TV movie portion); unfortunately the funniest thing she was in was … her opening number gown!

Juliana Margulies – Unless Lady Gaga wants her paper mache’ dog cone collar back, someone get the Good Wife to the fashion E.R. stat!

Zooey Deschanel – The “New Girl” is … Loretta Lynn. 500 Days of Coal Miner’s Daughter.

Steve Levitan (creator of “Modern Family’) – or was it Ray Romano?

Charlie Sheen – Martin Sheen must have cashed in some favors, how else to explain Hollywood allowing for his redemption tour this soon?! Now if he was a woman … (please see Lindsay Lohan).

Sofia Vergara – Julie Bowen may have gotten the Emmy, but Sofia will always be the winner. Damn!

Rob Lowe – The real life Dorian Gray. I’ll have whatever he and John Stamos are having.

Amy Poehler – Funniest moment of the night, but they should have killed the pageant crown and flowers part and let us pretend the entire Best Actress in a comedy bit wasn’t staged.

Melissa McCarthy – Congratulations on winning an Emmy for “Bridesmaids,” because no one has seen “Mike & Molly.”

David Spade – He and Jane Lynch obviously share a hairstylist.

Ian Somerhalder – “True Blood” & “Twilight” ain’t got nothing on Team Damon.

Nina Dobrev – The “Vampire Diaries” star is ready for her close up. Best dressed of the night!

Kerry Washington – Stunning! That dress was MAYJAH!!!

Ashton Kutcher – Is he joining “Two and a Half Men” or Jesus Christ, Super Star?

Peter Dinklage – Wait, is he in “Two and a Half Men” too?

Red dresses – Winslet, Vergara, Dobrev, Lea Michele, Kerry Washington – Everyone looks amazing in red.

Margo Martindale (Best Supporting Drama Actress winner) – Well, almost everyone. Dress compliments of Joann Fabrics.

Katie Holmes – She could look amazing … if she’d let Suri dress her.

Minka Kelly – You’re gorgeous, newly single and have a TV show debuting this week – and you wear an Italian funeral gown? Vamp it up, Angels!

Entourage cast – Turtle time! Sorry Piven & Grenier (and Jane Lynch), it’s all about Jerry Ferrara now.

In Memoriam – Having the Canadian Tenors open the sad number by walking through the aisles with smoke is about as showy and self indulgent as wearing a meat dress on the red carpet. Is it about the dearly departed or the newly arrived? Hallelujah.

Kate Winslet – Oscar, Grammy (some sorta spoken word album) and now an Emmy. Get Saint Kate to Broadway fast.

Jon Hamm – Ok, ok, I do believe the hype! Dreamy.

Paz de la Huerta – LOVE her crazy ass for always looking like she just slept with a studio exec, senator or valet minutes before walking a red carpet. I don’t watch “Boardwalk Empire” or anything but that loca is talented … in what exactly I don’t know, but she’s seems like a good time.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Wearing Snooki’s workout crop top on the red carpet is never a good idea (doesn’t she read Goop.com?). This was possibly her worst outfit since that 2002 McQueen debacle at the Oscars. PS – Seeing her die in “Contagion” is worth the price of admission alone.

Hakuna Matata, my friends.