March 2014 - J.LO | The Johnny LopezJ.LO | The Johnny Lopez

The Snatch Game is usually a highlight of every season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but this year’s queens left me with nothing but a blank look on my face.

Here we have the seven most ____ things from last night.

Lactose intolerant
Sorry Darienne Lake and Gia Dumb, but snatching this crown is going to take more than just knowing how to beat for the Gawds. And, excuse me, but have they ever seen the show before? The last two winners were Sharon Needles and Jinkx Monsoon, so ragging on Milk for being ‘different’ ain’t exactly a power move. But go ahead and keep just giving face—let’s see how far that gets you. Oops, my condolences G! Ironically, throwing shade at Milk for bringing charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent by thinking out of her box is what I find really fishy.

Milkin’ It
Last week’s abbreviated runway left me with postpartum depression for not allowing us to fully digest the fierceness of Mother Milk’s Tony Awards maternity couture. It gave me pregnant pause. I will admit her Julia Child impersonation was completely undercooked, and she needs to attempt straightforward glam at least once, but Miss Leche’s ‘male RuPaul meets the Six Flags guy’ drag was the only standout in that pageantry of dullards, which should have been renamed Night of 1000 Boos instead. You betta werk … on those Ru impersonations, gurls.

Smoking too much Laganja
From her completely bananas robotic impersonation of Ashley Tisdale Rachel Zoe, it’s apparent there is one thing Laganja Estranja doesn’t even try to read: pop culture blogs. She needs to stop spending so much time wiping back tears trying to battle wits with Our Lady of the Shade Bianca Del Rio and more time rethinking her Pier 1 Imports “Erykah Badon’t” headpieces. Also, was she supposed to be emulating Ru or Sherry Vine on that catwalk? On a positive note, I will say those death drops are everythang, MOMMA!

Getting Ben Outta Shape
We interrupt our regularly scheduled catty programming to bring you this genuine, heartfelt, tender moment. Did someone just ply us with vodka and fast forward to Untucked? Because having Ben DeLaCreme describe losing his mother at 13 and overcoming getting ridiculed for being an overweight gay kid had everyone’s mascara running … well, except maybe for Darienne Lake. Awkward! With all the other wigged men ripping each other’s weaves to shreds, Ben—and his two wins so far—just may prove that nice guys really do finish last … and become drag superstars.

Scratch that Game
Sorry Dame Maggie Smith, but the verdict is in and it’s Judge Judy for the win. Sadly, there was no equivalent to Jinkx’s spot-on Little Edie or even Roxy Andrews’ hysterical Tamar Braxton DOTCOM from last year’s Snatch Game. While Bianca’s Judy, Ben’s Maggie and Adore Delano’s Anna Nicole had their moments, Milk was spoiled rotten, Nicki Minaj was super basic and Gia’s Kim K was more like Kim Que? As for Joslyn Fox and Courtney Act, are they even in the competition? They’re the Malaysian Airlines of this season. And while I would have paid money to see Gia attempt to make dead Tejano singer Selena even remotely funny, Adore actually did with the line, “What are you gonna say … I got shot by Yolanda?” Now that’s killing it!

Team BiancAdore!
Move over Heathers and Rolaskatox, because there’s a new clique Ru-ing the school … da Haus of BiancAdore! Who knew getting Bianca Del Rio to be nice to someone would be such a cinch?! While there’s no denying B is always on point when she’s serving her cold dish of hard truth, it’s Adore’s shout outs to Dannielynn, Selena’s killer (see above) and ‘hog bodies’ coupled with her Anna Nicole-meets-Sally Kirkland kookapalooza transformation that had me gagging. The fishy queens better watch out for this crazy Latina gang, because they will cut you … with their words.

Gunned Down
Bianca was right again, of course, as Snatch Game separated “the talented from the other ones.” So cue the Lisa Lisa …. Ooh Gia, I think I love you from head to toe. Just kidding. But please take your grating, monotone Paris Hilton drawl and sashay away, bitter squirlfriend. But how is she?

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse than bitter eliminated contestant Magnolia Crawford and her Kids in the Hall Chicken Lady glamour last week, along comes last night’s horror themed RuPaul’s Drag Race.

As the two groups merged and the Lee Press-On Nails came out, here are the seven things that made me scream:

1. Adore Delano

The “Drag Race Me to Hell” challenge had her looking like one twisted sister … serving lead singer Dee Snider realness. But never mind her Rite Aid weaves and Katy Perry outlet makeup jobs—for Adore it’s all about dragging … her vowels. And while sounding like a whiny, spoiled, 15-year-old Thousand Oaks teen girl is not anything to aspire to, Little Miss American Idol somehow makes it all werk for huh. I give her props, because if you’re going to be ratchet, then you gotta be like Oprah and just OWN it. And she does. J’Adore.

2. Linda Blair & Lena Headey
The two guest judges were serving up some amazing drag of their very own. While neither looked like men in wigs, they were both almost completely unrecognizable.  With apologies to Courtney Act, brunette Lena’s transformation from her Game of Thrones character proved that Cersei Lannister was the hottest queen last night. But it’s Exorcist star Linda Blair who has really sold her soul to the devil, because the 55-year-old has held up better than Darienne Lake’s control top pantyhose.

3. Gia Gunn
Between not getting a DeLorean reference and being confused by the state of campy ‘60s black and white cinema, the Kardashian-toned “ums” spewing from GG’s expressionless mug were the scariest part of this week’s horror challenge. Forget messy, cheap or manly queens, Miss G, because everyone knows the most irritating one of all is a dumb one! An extra special kudos goes out to RPDR for continuing its groundbreaking work … no cliché smart Asian stereotypes here.

4. The school of Bianca Del Rio
The library is open and class is in session, so take out your blue books and learn, hunties. Queen B’s side eyes, ‘mmmm hmmms’ and acid tongue sage advice are proving she’s this year’s standout for shade tutorials. Whether summing up Laganja Estranja in three words—‘irritating, young and foolish.’ Can I get an Amen?—butting weaves with Gia or explaining the near impossibility of Beyoncé drag to Trinity, it’s all about Ms. Del REAL. Preach!

5. Milk does a runway good
Somehow his Pinocchio meets Juliet Prowse meets Michael Alig demented club kid serial killer saunter has me transfixed. With so many interchangeable fishy queens milling about trying to out-read each other, my money’s on the high-heeled Party Monster with all the facial props. He nose what’s up.

6. Song choice
Now, we’ve all suspected producers have purposely picked out certain songs to favor a particular contestant in the past. So NYC underground freakazoid Vivacious having to lip sync to Latina pop sensation Selena Gomezwas the gift that kept on giving … to April Carrion. Feliz Cumpleaños, loca.

There was one thing more aggressive, fierce and commanding than her walk … MUTHA’s voice. I’d listen to that beyatch READ the phone book. And unlike her pre-pubescent millennial competitors, this kween knows how to annunciate. Okaaaaaay! Unfortunately, looking like the bastard love child of Grace Jones and a satanicTeletubby didn’t have her snatching any trophies, but at the very least it will have the ‘90s chilrins googling Leigh Bowery. It’s this year’s Grey Gardens, boo boos. Learn it. RIP, Ornacia.

Until next time, sashay away.

Things learned watching the 86th Annual Academy Awards:

  1. All it takes to host the Oscars is about three jokes, a selfie and ordering a pizza.
  2. Only Ellen can get said pizza delivered on Oscar Sunday in under 90 minutes. Mine took 105. Which is just about how long that pizza skit lasted.
  3. Words are not Tyson Beckford’s forte. #jessicaroberts
  4. Ellen hates Liza Minnelli.
  5. To the complete and utter shock of my 1995 issue of Tiger Beat, Jared Leto, Matthew McConaughey and Brad Pitt are now Oscar winners.
  6. With a wall of roses and a stage full of industrial grade body condoms, the set design was borrowed from The Bachelor.
  7. Pharrell, U2, Pink and Bette Midler cannot hold a candle to the media sensation that is the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.
  8. The one person more abused and butchered with improperly healed wounds than Patsey in 12 Years a Slave … is Kim Novak.
  9. When I think of Hollywood heroes for a film montage, Kevin Bacon in Footloose is right up there with Superman and Moses.
  10. The Academy was very eager to praise a harrowing and important film dealing with the tough subject matter of the human spirit’s enduring ability to survive and escape from a brutal, soul-crushing, dark and oppressive place … so they gave seven awards to Gravity.

Overall it was an historic evening, as a film helmed by a black director – Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave — won best picture and a Hispanic — Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity – won best director at a show hosted by a lesbian and overseen by the academy’s first black president.

Yet the biggest take away from this year’s Oscars is a gigantic flub from a beweaved closeted homosexual that introduced the world to a now famous non-existent pop star.

Hooray for Hollywood.

Here’s the recap!

Ellen DeGeneres — That pizza wasn’t the only thing she phoned in.

Anne Hathaway — She really knows how to get tongues wagging …  with the epileptic seizures caused by the EDM laser show emitting from the bodice of her dress. Which is one way to wake people from the year long coma induced by watching Les Miserables.

Barkhad Abdi — Shouldn’t an Oscar nomination qualify you for SAG dental?

Jared Leto — Thankfully, he listened to his publicist — and Twitter  — and mentioned AIDS sufferers in his speech. So McConaughey wins an Oscar for losing weight and he gets one for impersonating co-star Jen Garner? Poor Leo.

Jim Carrey — ‘Memba him? Between him and Zellweger, there must be a Me,Myself & Irene curse.

Pharrell Williams – Wearing shorts on the red carpet. Who does he think he is, Demi Moore? And yes ‘Happy’ is catchy and corny, but if he can get Lupita to bust a move then it’s all good. But Christian Bale ain’t budging.

Naomi Watts and Samuel L. Jackson — Or as Sam Rubin from KTLA would say, Kristen Bell and Laurence Fishburne.

Catherine Martin (costume design winner/Baz Luhrmann’s wife) — The ghost of Lady Gaga’s future!  PS, Baz Luhrmann has a wife??!

86th Annual Academy Awards - Show

Hair & Makeup Oscar winning ladies from Dallas Buyers Club — Or was it the girls from your company’s accounts payable department?!

Harrison Ford — in Indiana Jones and the Earring of Doom.

Kim Novak — It’s great to see her back … from the Island of Dr. Moreau. The irony of having her present best ANIMATED film to FROZEN was lost on no one.

Sally Field — She looked fantastic and proved you can age gracefully — with a human face — in Hollywood. We like her. We really liked her.

Zac Efron — Almost as pretty as Jared Leto … but without the lace front weave.

Karen O — Who knew the L-train went all the way to the Dolby Theater?

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Kate Hudson — Gorgeous.  But she of all people should take heed of the McConaissance, stat! Unfortunately, it will probably take more than a 50 pound weight loss to save her from the depths of romcom hell. How to lose a career in 10 films.

Jason Sudeikis — DAMN! When did he get so hot? Such a dramatic transformation and he isn’t even playing an AIDS patient! So either Olivia Wilde is the true Supreme or she’s about to give birth to Beelzebub.

John Stamos and Lady Gaga at the Oscars — What? Why? How?

Bradley Cooper — He’s still no Gosling, but he was looking pretty damn good last night.

Darlene Love — 20 Feet from Stardom no more. Take your moment, gurl! SANG!

Ethan Hawke — Reality doesn’t bite. Hasn’t looked this good in years. No more junky chic.

Kevin Spacey — He’s nothing without Claire Underwood.

Ewan MacGregor & Viola Davis — Watch your backs, Jared and Lupita.

Brad Pitt — He now officially has it all. Has anyone checked on Jen in the last 24 hours?

Liza Minnelli — The woman breaks her hip when the wind blows, so they transported her across the country to honor her mother … by having her stand up in her seat for four seconds? It’s hard out here for a legend. But she did accost and hug Lupita, so I guess it was worth it.

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Chris Hemsworth & Charlize Theron — Descending from the heavens … and into the Hollywood and Highland shopping mall.

Lupita Nyong’o — The Jennifer Lawrence Era is officially over. America’s new sweetheart has been crowned, headband and all.  She could have worn Bjork’s swan dress or Celine Dion’s reverse tux and still wind up on everyone’s best dressed list. She’s one classy lady and hit all the right notes in her speech, especially when winning a superficial award for devastating and brutal subject matter. Take note, you know who.

Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs — Showcasing the new Academy museum as designed by the producers of HER.

Amy Adams — 5-time Oscar nominee, 0 wins. Poor Leo? Poor Amy! She’s got DiCaprio beat by one nom.

Gabourey Sidibe — Flawless.

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Whoopi Goldberg — Wearing Julia Robert’s Golden Globes outfit with Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. Cue the Crystal Waters … she’s homeless. la da di la da da.

Pink — She soared to new heights and all without her usual circus theatrics or silks. Impressive, indeed.

Jennifer Garner — Jared & Matthew get Oscars and she gets “she’s one of the most beautiful actresses ever” intro … I guess that’s a better than Mrs. Ben Affleck or star of 13 Going on 30.

Glenn Close — Serving German Chancellor Angela Merkel realness.

Goldie Hawn — Don’t blame her, blame her doctor … Kim Novak!

Bette Midler — Same age as 68-year-old Goldie but without all the scar tissue. Did you ever know that you’re MY hero?!

John Travolta — Did he have a stroke?  Or does his wig doctor just need to loosen his plugs a notch? As we speak, the Church of Scientology is investigating to see if Leah Remini was fucking with the teleprompter. Back to the auditing session he goes.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Penelope Cruz — She had her own Adele Dazim moment by presenting the award for Best Adapted …”Scrimpling?” Que?

Angelina Jolie – Just stunning. I could watch her stare at me all night.

Cate Blanchett — With her deserved win for Blue Jasmine, can she now give back the Oscar for her caricature impersonation of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator? I’m not kidding.

Jennifer Lawrence — Forget tribute, I nominate her as … Hillary Clinton. The backlash starts now.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Matthew McConaughey —  I thought he stopped reciting cheesy lines when he gave up the romcoms. God. Heroes. Himself. All right, all right, all right, was that an acceptance speech or some weird leaked Scientology video?  Ugh, this undoes all my True Detective love. Just take your shirt off, pretty boy.

Camila Alves — in Princess Leia chic.

Julia Roberts — Frumpy Woman. She should be taking career advice from Meryl, not fashion tips!

Will Smith — The Razzies were the night before so what in After Earth hell is he doing introducing Best Picture?

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Jared_afghanFor your consideration …

Here’s soon-to-be Oscar winner Jared Leto in Paris last week (left) — and Sharbat Gula aka The Afghan Girl in the famous photo by Steve McCurry which  appeared on the cover  of National Geographic magazine in 1985 (right).

One of them is often compared to the Mona Lisa.

Jordan Catalano for life.