If the 2019 Grammys had run any longer they would have had to tap Hoda and Kathie Lee to finish hosting. At three hours and 45 minutes, the show was endless, yet full of a slew of amazing female performances. Thankfully, my Super Bowl rant was heard and the DIVAS delivered.
Alicia, Dolly, Diana, Gaga, J.Lo, Cardi, Janelle, Kacey, Brandi, MICHELLE, the list goes on and on. It was ladies night and the feeling was oh so right.
So here are 25 things about this year’s show.
1. Gaga. Jada? Alicia. Michelle. J.Lo – aka The Moment! – Beyonce is shook! Michelle Obama turned the Grammys into the return of Divas Live. This almost makes up for the disaster that was the Super Bowl halftime show last week. Almost. This deserves a Vegas residency, a memoir and an EGOT. Not only is the internet broken, but all diseases have been cured, everyone has a perfect credit score and we’ve all subscribed to Jada’s Facebook Watch show. Ok, you’re right. Red Table Talk is taking it too far.
2. Alicia Keys – Styling by Rhoda Morganstern. But her performance was the actual Super Bowl halftime show we needed and deserved. Now unless homophobic tweets surface, Alicia can host the Oscars, the State of the Union and game night at your Aunt Beverly’s house. Sashay you stay, Alicia Augello Cook.
3. Lady Gaga – Hair. Body. Face. The bastard love child of Sammy Jo Carrington, Dale Bozzio from Missing Persons & late-90s Courtney Love. Three Grammy wins later, it’s Gaga’s world and we’re just living in it. I know many thought the performance was extra AF, but I’m all for seeing A Rock Star Is Born. Only two weeks until she tops off her amazing year by losing Best Actress to Glenn Close. Ha-ah-ah-ahhaaa-ah-ah-ah, haaawaah, ha-ah-ah-aaah!
4. Ricky Martin – Exactly 20 years since his career-changing performance of The Cup of Life at the ’99 Grammys that ignited the Latin Explosion, Ricky opened the show with a bilingual salsa-fied In the Heights-esque performance alongside Camila Cabello & J.Balvin that had me livin’ la vida loca. And just so you know, I absolutely have not been Googling white suits and mustache trimmers for the last 12 hours.
5. Shawn Mendes – Sorry Dua Lipa, but the real winner of Best New Artist goes to Shawn’s bare, buff, smooth, supple, loving arms!
6. Miley Cyrus – Dolly Parton duets and plunging necklines be damned, but long hair Miley will forever be Hannah Montana.
7. Kacey Musgraves – Katy Perry? Courteney Cox? Kyle Richards? Paris Hilton in a wig? Who is Kacey Musgraves? She’s the rich white woman snatching all the trophies, that’s who. Get it, gurl.
8. Janelle Monae – Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to see Janelle Monae slay the house down boots! The Robert Palmer girls have been leveled up. She’s got her legs exposed & her sapphic Stormtroopers in tow, so Janelle is here, she’s queer and I can get used to this!
9. John Mayer – I hate to admit it, but I would totally let John Mayer cheat on me.
10 . Post Malone – There’s so much content here, but right now I’m most concerned with his camel toe.
11. Red Hot Chilli Peppers – Larry, Daryl & Daryl have resurfaced! Now Bob Newhart introducing Best New Artist makes even more sense, but the Chilli Peppers’ performance with Post Malone still does not.
12. Dolly Parton – Welcome to Dollywood! A stunning tribute, yet no one can do the 73-year-old justice. (Settle down, Katy!) It should give us all hope that there are only two types of people in this world: Dolly Parton fans and Dolly Parton super fans. Which one are you? #MakeAmericaDollyAgain
13. Cardi B – You know it was her night when Cardi took the stage and yelled “Welcome to the Grammys!” … over an hour after the show started. The red carpet! The performance! The speech! All of it! QUEEN. History was made as the first female solo artist to win Best Rap Album. She’s CinderFuckingRella, but her evil Step Mother is gonna be pissed because she’s never won one. Also she needs a new Prince Charming. Okurrr!
14. Kylie Jenner & Meghan Trainor – There was a mix-up at the clown shop and they wore each other’s terrible outfit! Maybe I’m wrong and by next year Kris Jenner will have everyone wearing Kylie’s cattle (or is it kattle?) artificial insemination gloves. Regardless, send a pair to Meg!
15. Drake – Getting his speech cut was not the biggest indignity he suffered last night.
16. Diana Ross – Icon. Supreme. The Boss. And still no competitive Grammy wins! Zero. Drake was right, they don’t mean a thing. Her yelling “Happy Birthday to Me” is an anthem worthy of at least 3 Grammys, an all-star tribute and a Broadway musical. Dirty D!
17. Jennifer Lopez – What in Mexican telenovela hell is this? Jenny from the Cartel? The Norteño Grammys? Love makes you do stupid things, so I’m blaming this rare red carpet misfire on A.Rod. As for the Motown tribute, granted she may have been a very, very curious choice, but that performance proved she should have done the Super Bowl halftime show last year, this year & next year!
18. Smokey Robinson/Grey – The Grammy’s of the Damned …for that Motown tribute. I don’t know who Grey are, but a male blond duo hasn’t made an impression like this since Nelson.
19. Bebe Rexha – She said no designer wanted to dress her for the Grammys. So she channeled her inner Anna Nicole and said “Like My Body!” …and they did.
20. St. Vincent & Dua Lipa – I am now a lesbian. Take me to your leader, ladies! They were giving us L-Word in Space, the club scene in Basic Instinct minus Michael Douglas in a deep V & Jennifer Tilly/ Gina Gerson Bound realness. And I was here for all of it.
21. Yolanda Adams, Fantasia, Andra Day – I have nothing but R-E-S-P-E-C-T for their amazing voices. They did Aretha right. But they should have used some of their Black Girl Magic to find a stylist befitting of their talents. Seriously, Andra needs to send a cease & desist, stat! Say a little prayer.
22. Wilmer Valderrama – Damn, Papi.
23. Toni Braxton – The 51-year-old diva just won the 18-year challenge.
24. Weezer – Crockett & Tubbs could never! The OG hipster kings are living their best Miami Vice life, unironically.
25. Katy Perry – She tried it.
SPECIAL MENTION: Aida Cuevas – She’s the Queen of Ranchera Music, but now everyone will know her as the woman who wore Roseanne’s (I mean, The Conners’) couch to the Grammys. Pobrecita!
ICYMI: 20 THINGS YOU MISSED FROM THE SOTU SPEECH
You heard all the lies, half-truths and exaggerations in Donald Trump‘s State of the Union speech, so I’ll spare you from rehashing any of that nonsense.
Instead here are 20 things you didn’t see or hear last night.
ALL THE THINGS NANCY PELOSI SAID …
1. “This is going to be a tough vote. I mean, I love Lady Gaga, but Glenn Close is long overdue.”
2. “I’ll have the fettuccine alfredo, sauce on the side, and a house salad.”
3. “Hey Pencey. 22 Across. What’s a five-letter word for snake oil salesman? Bwahaha.”
4. “The only wall going up is this hand between you and my chest.”
5. “This is my House, bitch. Kiss the ring.”
6. “Don’t worry, Donald. I’ll keep your balls safe right here.”
7. “Dang! That weave is even more busted than I thought.”
8. “Mother is gonna shit when she sees this!”
9. “I think you’re really going to love Club 96.”
1o. “You’re so basic vain. You probably think this clap is about you.”
11. “That performance was completely phony and devoid of any charisma, uniqueness, nerve or talent. Your runway look was amateur, crooked and an insult to all the queens that stand before you. And your hair and makeup were even cheaper than your words. Donald Trump, you are up for incarceration. The time has come for you to lip sync for your life.”
THREE THINGS MIKE PENCE WAS THINKING …
12. “Next year I’ll be giving this speech …or in solitary confinement.”
13. “Forgive me Mother, for I have sinned.”
14. “Jeepers! I can’t wait for that Maroon 5 guy to come on & take his shirt off again.”
THREE THINGS MELANIA SAID TO HERSELF …
15.”I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Oh, not yet? My bad.”
16.”You can do this. Hello, I’m Melania. Be Best. Children. Bullying. Hello, I’m Melania. Be Best. Children. Bullying. Hello, I’m Mel…..”
17. “I think it’s time I go for another one of those ‘kidney operations’ again.”
WHAT A.O.C. WAS THINKING …
18. “I thought when a new Supreme rises, the old one is supposed to fade away. Goddammit!”
19. “I’m fine if this whole politics thing doesn’t work out, because what I really want to do is direct.”
20. “Jovani.”
Stay strong, everyone. There are only 626 days until Election Day, November 3, 2020.
1. Winter has come and Julie Chen is serving Khaleesi from the House of Moonves realness. She doesn’t have three dragons, only one … her husband! #ChenBotOfThrones
2. It’s been revealed that WWE star Natalie Eva Marie is actually the bastard love child of Ariana Grande & Demi Lovato. #TotalDivasLive
3. Lolo Jones is a favorite to win, not because she’s is an Olympian, but because as a 36-year-old virgin she’s got all the endurance tests in the bag. Yes, she’s the nearly 40-year-old virgin. #KellyClarkson
4. This is either OJ Simpson houseboy legend Kato Kaelin or Tilda Swinton‘s latest performance art piece. The verdict’s still out.
5. Tamar Braxton & Joey Lawrence could make it to the end, but only if they form the secret Beautiful, Bald & Brows alliance. #Woah
6. “OG momager” Dina Lohan gets the sympathy vote, because she filed for bankruptcy last year to save her Long Island home. If she doesn’t win the $1ooK, season 2 of Lohan Beach House might just have a new VIP server on staff. #ParentalGuidanceSuggested
7. Jonathan Bennett is having a moment. Big Brother, Cake Wars, Ariana’s Thank U, Next video & he’s in a relationship with a former Chippendales dancer. So fetch! After having his career stalled for being gay (he publicly came out in 2017) following Mean Girls, all I can say is: “you go, Aaron Samuels!”
8. First Omarosa and now Anthony Scaramucci. Can BB please stop sympathizing with these Trump enablers?! The Mooch showed his snowflake status by whining: “I’m not happy there was a twist on day 1 of coming into the House.” But it’s unclear if he was talking about Big Brother or his stint with the Disaster-in-Chief.
Is The Mooch talking about #CelebBB or his stint in the White House? 🤷🏻♂️ pic.twitter.com/fRfE76psrT
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 23, 2019
Who is head of the household? Who is up for eviction? I have no clue, but with 4 episodes of #CelebBB a week, we better get a shirtless/speedo moment of Joey, Jonathan & Ryan, stat!
Until then, enjoy Joey’s 1993 classic video for Nothing My Love Can’t Fix.
Fifteen years after Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan is back and coming for Lisa Vanderpump‘s gigs!
The 32-year-old former child star turned former party girl is now a club owner, or at the least, playing one on TV.
Set in Mykonos, the premiere episode proved to be quite the educational experience. Here are 10 things I learned watching Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club.
1. The first rule of Lindsay Lohan Beach Club is never mention Lindsay Lohan Beach Club always wear a bra. Also, LOL to meeting with Spielberg! She funny.
The first rule of Lindsay #LohanBeachClub 👙 pic.twitter.com/9jujBTQfe2
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 9, 2019
2. The term “model marketing server” is apparently a thing and it’s douchy VIP lounge code for … server.
Dictionary update: Model Marketing Server #LohanBeachClub pic.twitter.com/yDfOZ30tIj
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 9, 2019
3. Blue hair is ok at Lohan Beach Club (and at the Golden Globes). But two ladies with blue hair is not. #OnWednesdaysWeDyeYourHairPink
4. There are no production assistants or cabs in Mykonos, because LiLo is still driving herself around town. LAWD HAVE MERCY!
5. Half of the show’s production budget went towards microblading for the male cast. Et tu, after-show host Jonathan Bennett.
6. Thirteen years since trust fund garbage person Brandon Davis called her out for being “$7 million poor,” Linds finally set the record straight.
7. Lindsay: “If she has more makeup than me then she’s fired.” Um, agreed!
8. It’s official, Lindsay is not 45.
Well that finally settles it! #LohanBeachClub pic.twitter.com/hQmAsOGGvh
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 10, 2019
9. Lindsay: “The second you become emotional, I’m going to become like Putin. I have no emotion when it comes to money & business.” This also explains her performances in Liz & Dick and The Canyons.
This explains “Liz & Dick.” #LohanBeachClub pic.twitter.com/UeomEFXQDD
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 10, 2019
10. The true star of the show are Lindsay’s statement earrings. Hopefully someone paid for them!
And finally, if you need a non-Lindsay reason to watch next week’s episode, say hello (or is it yassou?) to Aristotle. I’ll be his brand ambassador anytime!
Now let’s pretend we’re in Mykonos and dance to the anthem of a generation. Welcome back, Lindsay! #Rumors
Gym. Tan. Lookalike!
Real Housewives of New Jersey star Dolores Catania and Wendy Williams on Surving R.Kelly must have the same hair, makeup and wardrobe stylists …or somethin’ like that.
When you’re originally from the Garden State you’re family.
With all the deplorable crap going on in the world, one thing we can be thankful for is being gifted two All-Stars seasons in one calendar year! As it’s only been 11 months since the premiere of All-Stars 3 in January, many of us are finally recovering from the subsequent controversial crowning of Shangela Trixie Mattel months later. HalleNOOOOO!
With that travesty behind us, here are three things I loved about the premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars 4.
- Brown Cow stunning! Monique Heart proved that with a fierce wig and a house beat anything can be fabulous. HalleMOO!
- Winter is coming, but for Farrah Moan it’s all about THE FALL. Ouch! It was the death drop heard around the world & that I rewound five times to watch. Guess her face isn’t the only thing beat for the gawds.
- Give me some Latrice Royale all day, every day! #GGGGG
Without further ado, here are the All-Stars 4 celebrity twinsies.
Monique Heart may or may not be morally corrupt, but Faye Resnick has definitely got snatch game!
Naomi Smalls is a replicant & her legs cut like a Blade …Runner.
Lawd have mercy, Trinity Taylor is full of Grace. Every girl knows a good tuck is a kween’s best friend!
Latrice Royale is a big Star, so take a little time to enjoy this view.
Valentina is pretty Sly … Stallone’s wife.
You’re perfect. You’re beautiful. You look like Jennifer Flavin. You’re a model!
Is Farrah Moan a NYC nightlife sensation? No, but she is trying to keep it real, Amanda Lepore real.
Gia Gunn came back looking like a total Fox.
The rumors are true, Monet X Change loves Tina!
Manila Luzon is so animated this season. She’s a real comic! #Nancy
Sorry haters, but Jasmine Masters is an iconic comedian. Roo roo roo!
Now sashay away until next week!
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Is Antoni’s season 2 bandana-palooza trying to tell us he’s a top, bottom, into bondage, water sports, reheating leftovers??? I’m so confused. #QueerEye
Regardless, I love him & this show.
If you’re watching Pose on FX, then you know it’s time for the House of Celebrity Dopplegangers Ball.
Blanca, your category is: Fame, Oh What A Feeling Irene Cara Up in Pumps With A Twist.
Elektra, your category is: Do You Know Where You’re Going To As A Legendary Icon Serving 70s Supermodel Diana Ross Vogue. #Mahogany
Angel, your category is: Say Hello To My Little Italian-American Actress Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio Stuntin’ As The Cuban Sis Of ‘ScarFACE’ Realness.
Pray Tell, your category is: Femme Queen First Time In A 90s Sitcom ‘Living Single’ At The Ball.
10s across the board, children. #WalkForMe
