A major plot point in Jordan Peele‘s new horror blockbuster Us is the often ridiculed 1986 charity spectacle Hands Across America (HAA).
For those that have blocked it out (or weren’t born yet), HAA consisted of over 6 million people joining hands to form a human chain from coast-to-coast for 15 minutes on Sunday, May 25th, 1986, in an effort to raise money to stop hunger.
Due to the success of celebrity benefit singles like Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas” and USA For Africa’s “We Are the World,” HAA organizers tried to drum up publicity for the flash mob by creating a theme song in a similar vein.
But while Band Aid & USA For Africa featured A-list talent like Sting, Bono, George Michael, Diana Ross and Bruce Springsteen, the HAA anthem only managed to cull together studio session singers, the New Jersey Mass Choir and a few members of Toto (cue”Africa” & “Rosanna“), who were then credited as Voices of America.
Although the song only reached #65 on the Billboard charts, a freaking amazing music video was made with some of the biggest celebs of the day singing along to the the track’s ridiculously basic & sappy lyrics.
Included in the patriotic gem were Oprah, Barbra Streisand, Robin Williams with C3PO, Miami Vice stars Don Johnson & Philip Michael Thomas, a four-year-old Nicole Richie and, believe it or not, Andy Warhol.
Now whether or not you’ve already figured out all the easter eggs, metaphors and symbolism in Us, the HAA music video stands on its own as an underated goldmine of glorious ’80s cringe that you simply have to see/re-watch to believe AND to spot the 31 celebrity cameos.
WARNING: YOU CANNOT UNSEE THIS VIDEO
ICONIC.
Now please take another moment to honor the sacrifices of this random assortment of celebrities, who, despite their best intentions, paid a price for unknowingly serving SNL digital short realness in this glorious video masterpiece. #haaHaaHAA
1. Kenny Rogers
This video was such a turkey that five years later the country singer got the idea to launch Kenny Rogers Roasters. In 1998, the company filed for bankruptcy.
2. Don Johnson & Philip Michael Thomas
When the video was released in April 1986, Miami Vice was one of the highest-rated shows on the air. By the fall, the series plummeted to #26.
3. Michael Douglas & son Cameron Douglas
At the time, we were told no children were harmed in making this video.
4. Robin Williams & C3PO (& Candice Bergen)
The Robin, Candice and C3PO romcom was doomed from the start.
5. Diahann Carroll
Blink and you miss her! One year after Dominique Deveraux survived the Moldavian Massacre, she barely got out of this video alive.
6. Lily Tomlin
The closet makes you do terrible things.
7. Kathleen Turner
And she thought appearing in Billy Ocean’s When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going video alongside her Jewel of the Nile co-stars was a career low.
8. Yoko Ono & Sean Lennon
This is what you get for breaking up the Beatles!
9. Jane Fonda
Fonda, Raul Julia & Jeff Bridges all appear in this video, which means someone at 20th Century Fox thought it would be good press for their soon-to-be released film The Morning After. Abort!
10. Raul Julia
Gomez Addams deserved better. Snap, snap!
11. Barbra Streisand
We still need Babs to apologize for this!
12. Lady Liberty
The Statue of Liberty debuted her new & improved look after being shrouded in scaffolding for two years during renovations. This was no way to treat a lady.
13. Michael, Cameron (again), Diandra Douglas
Michael & Diandra divorced in ’95. No doubt part of her $45 million settlement was for punitive damages suffered from the video.
14. Robin Williams & C3PO again
Despite having more sexually chemistry than Mork & Mindy, there’s was the love that dare not speak its name.
15. Nicole Richie
Nicole was just trying to live the simple life of a four-year-old normal here. Later she would be notoriously undermined by Paris Hilton, heroin, a DUI, Ugg boots, & several reality shows.
16. Andy Warhol & maybe Brooke Adams (left)
Warhol was a genius & knew HAA would be an instant camp classic once the video’s 15 minutes of fame were over. Sadly, he died ten months later.
17. Whoopi Goldberg & Mickey Mouse
The EGOT winner would later go on to be contractually bound by Disney to tolerate Elisabeth Hasslebeck for six seasons on The View.
18. Alfonso Ribeiro & Drew Barrymore
Parental guidance was strongly suggested.
19. Roberta Flack & Nona Hendryx
Killing me softly with THIS song!
20. Jon Cryer
The video came out two months after Pretty in Pink‘s release. It would be another 17 years until “Duckie” found success again on Two and a Half Men.
21. Glenn Close
At this point in her career, Glenn had only lost three Academy Awards. #Cursed
22. Father Guido Sarducci
On second thought, maybe it really was a SNL digital short!
23. Mikhail Baryshnikov
More unforgivable than what he did to Carrie Bradshaw!
24. Dyan Cannon
After this video, Cannon – who was once married to Cary Grant & has received three Academy Award noms – repented by becoming a born-again Christian. SAVED!
25. Jeff Bridges
Dude, no.
26. Susan Anton
‘Memba her? While the singer/actress’ height-challenegd relationship with Dudley Moore came to end prior to this video, Anton’s most recent credit is Sharknado: The 4th Awakens. You do the math.
27. Shari Belafonte-Harper
Harry Belafonte’s daughter dropped the Harper when she divorced her ex-husband, which coincedentally was about a year after the video.
28. Oprah Winfrey
Oprah’s meteoric rise is historic, but the fact that her talk show was nationally syndicated just five months after agreeing to be in this music video is suspect &, quite possibly, diabolical.
29. Lily Tomlin again
Tomlin is a lesbian icon & has been absolved of any wrongdoing. Don’t @ me.
30. Kevin Bacon
On a positive note, this video does level up everyone’s six degrees of Bacon game. #FTW
31. Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas again
Crockett & Tubbs signing off. #RIP
While the HAA video may be way more frightening than anything in Us, I definitely recommend seeing it if for no other reason than to witness an amazing dual performance by Lupita Nyong’o. She’s scary good!
Hands Across America
Hands Across the land I love
United we fall
United we stand
Hands Across America
Mother and Father
Daughter and Son
Learn to live as one
I can not stop thinking again and again
How the heart of a stranger
Beats the same as a friend
Learn to love each other
See these people over there?
They are my brother and sister
When they laugh I laugh
When they cry I cry
When they need I’ll be there by their side
We are the river of hope
That runs through the valley of fear
And there is a lady whose smile shines upon us
Saying all is welcome here.
Learn to love each other
See the man over there?
He’s my brother
When he laughs I laugh
When he cries I cry
When he needs me
I’ll be right there, right by his side
The kiss never felt so sincere
Full of countless dreams
This earth, it never smelt so sweet
Cradles a song in it’s great heartbeat
Learn to love each other
See the man over there?
He’s my brother
When he laughs I laugh
When he cries I cry
When he needs me
I’ll be right there by his side
ICYMI: WHO WILL PLAY LORI LOUGHLIN & FELICITY HUFFMAN ON THE BIG SCREEN, HBO & ON LIFETIME?
Now that Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman have been exposed, indicted and charged in The Great College Admissions Scam of 2019, the big question is who will play them on screen.
In a perfect world Aunt Becky and Lynette Scavo would play themselves ala Joan & Melissa Rivers in the 1994 NBC TV Movie Tears & Laughter: The Joan & Melissa Rivers Story, but the chances of that happening in 2019 are next to impossible.
The right actresses must not only look the part and be of similar age, but also deliver the needs of the production in terms of talent, star power and believability.
Here are my casting choices should the project land on the big screen, HBO and Lifetime.
If the amazing caper were to be turned into a big budget film for theaters, the casting would require A-list talent that could portray Hollywood versions of girls next door gone bad.
COMING TO THEATERS THIS CHRISTMAS … SANDRA BULLOCK & JENNIFER ANISTON in:
Rated R. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or $500k.
If producers wanted to go in depth with a seven-part limited series on premium cable, then the roles would necessitate well-respected character actresses with multiple Academy Award nominations each.
HBO PRESENTS … MARISA TOMEI & LAURA DERN in:
The truth set them free … at a cost.
But if the story is rushed into production for a quick turnaround to air on basic cable, then the roles could be filled by anyone with even a sliver of a resemblance and the ability to keep a straight face while chewing up cheesy dialogue.
LIFETIME MOVIE EVENT OF THE WEEK… CHARISMA CARPENTER & CELINE DION in:
Sometimes being a good mom is a crime.
Who do you think should play Lori & Felicity?
ICYMI: RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE SEASON 11 PREMIERE – CELEB REALNESS
The premiere of a new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race always leaves my head spinning.
So many kweens, so many names, so many attempts at being memorable!
Especially after Miss Vanjie‘s (Welcome back!!!) now-legendary turn flaunting all them cookies in just one episode last year, every girl came into season 11 with a bible of catchphrases, one-liners and shtick. I’m talking to you Silky Nutmeg Ganache!
Silky was my fave kween …for the first five minutes of the episode. But by the commercial break, her thirsty AF antics left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Gurl, breathe & simma down. Nobody ever wants that much dessert, evah. TRUST!
And finally, there’s our eliminated queen Soju. While pulling off another Vanjie-style star-making coup after sashaying away in the first episode is nearly impossible, bequeathing the world with her unforgettable “taint cyst” is quite the valiant effort. Annyeonghi gaseyo, Miss Soju. Miss Soju. MISS …SO JU!
Now while I go change my last name to Davenport, check out the celebrity dopplegänger realness from episode 1.
MISS VANJIE – LA TOYA JACKSON
The children love Miss Vanjie so much you’d think we were at Neverland. #TooSoon
BROOKE LYNN HYTES – PINK
Brooke Lynn is starting on such a high that we may be seeing some aerial gynmastics soon.
NINA WEST – HEAT MISER
It’s the year without a Santa Claus for Nina. She’s too much!
SILKY NUTMEG GANACHE – OPRAH
No standing O for Silky’s thirsty behavior, but we are gonna need a sitdown interview.
SUGA CAIN – MEGHAN McCAIN
By the looks of it, Suga’s dreams won’t be aborted anytime soon.
YVIE ODDLY – SLICK WOODS
I’ve only got one thing to say: You betta werk, Supermodel!
A’KERIA C. DAVENPORT – LIL’ KIM
Something tells me A’keria can make a Sprite can disappear in her mouth.
ARIEL VERSACE – PEG BUNDY
Every big haired gurl from Jersey wants to be married with children, okrrrrr.
SCARLET ENVY – TAMMIE BROWN
Proof that being Pearl‘s daughter is not the weirdest thing about Scarlet.
PLASTIQUE TIARA – JESSICA ALBA
We need to be honest about Plastique’s chances.
HONEY DAVENPORT – KENYA MOORE
This New York queen is gone with the wind fabulous, hunty!
RA’JAH O’HARA – RUTH POINTER (SISTERS)
I’m so excited to see what Ra’jah can do this season, sis.
MERCEDES IMAN DIAMOND – J.LO
Don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got, she’s still early ’90s Jenny from the block.
KAHANNA MONTRESE – EVE
Kahanna’s skills are the talk, so I’m hoping Ru will let her blow ya mind.
SOJU – BETTE MIDLER
The power of Drag Race means a cyst on your taint can still lead to outrageous fortune.
Who are you rooting for? So far, it’s still all about Vanjie for me.
ICYMI: RPDR ALL-STARS 4 PREMIERE – CELEB LOOKALIKES
The sudden death of Luke Perry from a massive stroke at the age of 52 today has been devastating.
It’s been a rough day in the 90046 for me, and for boys and girls of a certain age that grew up crushing on Dylan McKay.
Ever since Beverly Hills 90210 premiered on October 4, 1990 – the day after my 19th birthday – I was hooked. An adult show about teenagers was a rare commodity in those early days before Dawson, before Felicity, even before the Salinger 5.
Dylan McKay was also my first crush when I finally began to realize (yet not fully accept) I was gay. Sure I liked others before, but never like this.
From the get-go you were either Team Dylan or Team Brandon (Jason Priestly). And for me there was no contest. I was a skinny closeted recovering New Waver easily drawn to the sexy brooding loner with the pompadour, to say nothing of the jeans, the motorcycle & THE SIDEBURNS.
I grew out mine and watched 90210 every week. Back then it wasn’t cool to like a teen show in college, but me and a few close girlfriends would gather every Thursday night (it moved to Wednesdays in Season 3) to indulge in our secret obsession.
To this day, Sophie B. Hawkins‘ “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” always brings back memories of the summer Dylan cheated on Brenda with Kelly …and how we all wanted to be Kelly.
Years later, when Dylan left the series for two seasons, so did I.
And while I crushed on Dylan, I was equally taken with Luke.
He was why I went to see Buffy the Vampire Slayer in theaters, rented 8 Seconds the day it came out and still have the shirtless July 1992 Vanity Fair shot by Annie Leibovitz. So hot!
My crush on Luke is why I was genuinely happy to see his career renaissance as ‘the dad’ on Riverdale. While at the same time, horrified at the realization that I too could be the father of an extremely goodlooking twentysomething teen. Yikes! How did that happen?!
And that’s the thing, Luke was just five years older than me. The man that gave this closeted teen life is now another reminder of his mortality.
I didn’t know Luke and never met him, but he always seemed like one of the good guys.
I read that Luke died surrounded by his two children, fiancée, ex-wife, mother, siblings and other friends & family. He was so loved, but we all knew that.
Luke Perry & Dylan McKay are gone, but neither will ever be forgotten.
The 91st Academy Awards started on the wrong foot months before anyone entered THE MALL that houses the Dolby Theatre. (You didn’t forget that the Oscars are held at a mall, right?!)
The Kevin Hart debacle & deciding to go hostless, all the misfires with the categories, Kendrick Lamar & SZA not performing their nominated song & the vocal dissent of Green Book and Bohemian Rhapsody from the communities they were allegedly trying to represent. It was a disaster waiting to happen and in the end I thought it all came out … just fine.
Here’s the thing, sometimes bad is, at the least, more memorable and, perhaps, better than just fine.
I didn’t really miss having a host and thought things were moving along faster than usual since they nixed the endless montages, skits and inevitable attempts to go viral. I’m talking to you Ellen & NPH.
Even the red carpet was fine. But at the Oscars, we need a statement. We want some drama. We deserve the WOW! While the days of Bjork swan dresses are now relegated to thirsty headline-chasing C-list Deplorables at the Grammys, I’ll take Rachel Weisz‘s red latex American Horror Story over Laura Dern‘s basic ’90s bridesmaid any day. (I still love you, Laura!)
On a positive note, I will say it was fantastic seeing a broader representation of winners, as women and people of color accepted awards in 16 out of 24 categories. And possibly the best line of the night was uttered by 25-year-old Iranian-American filmmaker Rayka Zehtabchi (right) as she accepted the award for Best Documentary Short: “I can’t believe a movie about menstruation just won an Oscar.” Period. End of Sentence, indeed.
1. Adam Lambert – Welcome to the Grammys Oscars! I am so here for an openly gay man kicking off the Oscars by paying tribute to the body of work of a legendary gay bisexual gay bisexual rock star that was the subject of a huge box office hit under a set adorned with a drag queen’s blonde wig. You betta, werk! Not bad for a guy who came in second on American Idol. Also, watching Allison Janney, Queen Latifah, Javier Bardem, et al. wave their arms in the air is more unity than we’d ever get from any Kevin Hart homophobic tweet monologue.
2. Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph – In the name of the Tina, the Amy and the Holy Maya, save us from the next 3 and a half hours. Also, I have on good authority that Maya is wearing drapes from a Pigeon Forge, Tennessee AirBnB and that’s fine by me!
3. Regina King – Brenda from 227 just did that! Absolutely stunning. Beale Street is gagging!!!
4. Rachel Weisz – Oops she spit in my mouth again! The correct question is not, who are you wearing, (Givenchy!), but, what is your safe word? Forget Vanity Fair or Madonna’s, I want to know what after-party she’s dom topping at?
5. Emma Stone – Never has serving burnt waffles with a failed honey bee colony glaze over a grimy BBQ grill looked so glamorous. So glad she’s not in pants again!
6. Stephan James – Red velvet if you please! Someone DM me when Zara knocks this off. I need this. I don’t have anywhere to wear this, but I will. Winner: Best dressed male.
7. Ruth E. Carter, Hannah Beachler – Black Panther costume & production design winners. Giving us talent, LEWKS and great speeches. Proof that “smaller categories” should not be given out during commercials. And their best is definitely more than enough.
8. Jennifer Lopez – J.Lo has been bringing it to the Academy Awards red carpet since 1997 (right) & she never disappoints. NEVER. People love to bash her acting & singing, but being a mutha fuckin’ STAR is a talent deserving of an honorary Oscar, a biopic and an animated short. And besides, Second Act might have been the most fun I had at the movies this year. Yep, I said it.
9. Chris Evans – I need Chris Evans, his green velvet blazer & this to be a romcom, immediately! What’s that? Oh, snap! Second Act 2 has just been greenlit.
10. Alfonso Cuaron – With three wins for Roma (my favorite film of the year) and two previous wins for Gravity, the Mexican director is building a wall …of Oscar statues. Si se puede!
11. Jennifer Hudson – JHud has an Oscar, 2 Grammys and can blow the roof off the Dolby Theater on any given Sunday. Not bad for someone who came in 7th on Amercian Idol.
12. Brian May – He’s the lead guitarist in Queen, but his hair is straight out of The Favourite. #HouseOfLordsRhapsody
13. Dana Owens – Queen Latifah introducing a movie about lesbian royalty may have been The Favourite moment at every Oscar view party from West Hollywood to Hell’s Kitchen.
14. Angela Bassett & Javier Bardem – She’s Black & 60 & he’s Latin & 50 (on Friday), but they’re both white HOT. Dayum! Ok, but what I want to know is: where was Penelope Cruz? Seriously, do we need to be concerned?
15. Bette Midler – Joy Behar, is that you? 73 & fab-u-lous! The Divine Miss M was Mary Poppin’ out of that dress. Now I need to watch “Otto Titsling” from Beaches , again.
16. Charlize Theron – She’s back, honey and so is her Aeon Flux hair game proper. Mennonite chic. Cult wife glamour. Late 19th century school marm for your nerves. Yes, YES, YAASSS! On anyone else it would be complete and utter failure, but Charlize can do no wrong in my book. Only two more spots left next to J.Lo & Charlize on the Mount Rushmore of Hollywood Fashion. Also, go watch Tully, because you must.
17. Mahershala Ali – And just like that he became the 12th straight star to win an Oscar for playing gay.
18. Michelle Yeoh & Pharrell – The epitome of every straight couple on any date night anywhere in the USA — she’s dressed to the nines and he’s in shorts.
19. Kacey Musgraves & Linda Cardellini -Their colors are blush & bashful. Fresh off the runway of the 1968 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. They both told their stylists they wanted looks that went from day to nightgown. So in that sense it was a success.
20. Gemma Chan – No offense to Crazy Rich Asians, but Angelyne’s duvet is now the funniest thing she’s been in.
21. Mike Myers & Dana Carvey – Oh mama mia, mama mia! This L-Word reboot looks interesting.
22. Diego Luna & Jose Andres – One cooks hot dishes, the other is a hot dish, and they both hate Trump. Dinner is served!
23. Paul Rudd – He’s turning 50 this year and hasn’t aged in 20 years. That’s him in ’99 (right).The male Jennifer Lopez lives!
24. Lady Gaga – Last night she broke the internet! Kidding aside, the Gaga-ssance since 2013’s ArtFlop has been astounding. 2 Super Bowls, 2 Oscar performances, Grammy wins and now her own actual Academy Award. #ForYourConsideration
25. Bradley Cooper – Somewhere in all the Gaga ASIB buzz I forgot he was even nominated for Best Actor. But just like Glenn Close, he has 7 Oscar nominations & 0 wins. If nothing else, at least the “Shallow” duet – reprising the chemistry between Jackson Maine & Ally – was a win.
26. Spike Lee & Barbra Streisand – No sleep til Brooklyn! Also, when one of your Oscars is for Best Song from a previous version of A Star Is Born, but you introduce BlacKkKlansman instead, that’s a read.
27. Rami Malek – Adorable. And just like that he becomes the 13th straight star to win an Oscar for playing LGBT. His speech wasn’t as good as Tom Hanks for Philadelphia, but at least he said: “We made a film about a gay man, an immigrant who lived his life unapologetically as himself.” Mentioning HIV/AIDS, Freddie Mercury by name and for the first time somebody acknowledging the Bryan Singer mess would have quelled at least some of the film’s backlash. But probably not.
28. Olivia Colman – And just like that she becomes the 14th straight star to win an Oscar for playing LGBT. The gasp! The upset! The speech! In a night full of Queens, Olivia ascended her throne & into America’s hearts. My only question, is she truly the lead in The Favourite?
29. Glenn Close …but still so far! I bend the knee to Glenda Veronica of the House of Close, First of her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the 7 Nominations, Lady of the World According to Garp, Protector of The Big Chill and The Natural, Breaker of Fatal Attractions, Dangerous Liaisons & Albert Knobbs, Khaleesi of The Wife, Slayer of Gaga, Mother of Acting, Rightful Heir to the Oscar Throne. Vengence is hers & Winter is coming! #GlennOfThrones
30. Frances McDormand – Her Tony Award-winning denim jacket has been overthrown by her Oscar-presenting Birkenstocks! She’s doesn’t give AF and it’s iconic. Even without a Grammy, give her the EGOT because I can’t stop singing her praises. Putting her next to J.LO & Charlize on the Mount. Don’t be fooled, a FASHION LEGEND walks among us… in sensible shoes!
31. Billy Porter – Category is: YOU OWN EVERYTHANG! Call security and a nurse, because there is a man in a gown on the red carpet & he just slayed the house down boots! This is the drama. This is the statement. This is the WOW we’ve been waiting for. NYC ball culture was honored. History was made. And we all got served! Halloween costume shopping starts now.
32. Cicely Tyson – You guys, Cicely was born in 1924. She is 94. NINETY-FOUR. And she showed up wearing all of this last night to pick up her honorary Oscar. They technically gave it to her in November at the Governors Awards, but this needs to be praised, respected and meditated upon for generations to come. We are not worthy. J.Lo, Charlize, Frances & Cicely. The Mount is now complete.
33. Selma Blair – The 46-year-old walked her first red carpet since revealing her MS diagnosis. Amazing. Please read her Instagram post.
34. Julia Roberts – Gorgeous woman! Fun fact: If you present Best Picture you are Hollywood royalty & Julia was the first solo female presenter of Best Picture since Barbra Streisand in ’91. That was 28 years ago. Seriously WTF, Academy?! And are we sure there wasn’t another Warren Beatty/Faye Dunaway LA LA Land/Moonlight mix up? Are we sure it said Green Book? Where’s the envelope? Did Jussie Smollett send it? Recount!
35. Madonna & Lady Gaga – If you haven’t heard, there is now gay world peace, Trump is no longer president, universal healthcare is the law of the land and Jake Gyllenhaal finally received his Oscar for Nightcrawler. Sleep well, Earthlings. Don’t @ me. Good night!
If the 2019 Grammys had run any longer they would have had to tap Hoda and Kathie Lee to finish hosting. At three hours and 45 minutes, the show was endless, yet full of a slew of amazing female performances. Thankfully, my Super Bowl rant was heard and the DIVAS delivered.
Alicia, Dolly, Diana, Gaga, J.Lo, Cardi, Janelle, Kacey, Brandi, MICHELLE, the list goes on and on. It was ladies night and the feeling was oh so right.
So here are 25 things about this year’s show.
1. Gaga. Jada? Alicia. Michelle. J.Lo – aka The Moment! – Beyonce is shook! Michelle Obama turned the Grammys into the return of Divas Live. This almost makes up for the disaster that was the Super Bowl halftime show last week. Almost. This deserves a Vegas residency, a memoir and an EGOT. Not only is the internet broken, but all diseases have been cured, everyone has a perfect credit score and we’ve all subscribed to Jada’s Facebook Watch show. Ok, you’re right. Red Table Talk is taking it too far.
2. Alicia Keys – Styling by Rhoda Morganstern. But her performance was the actual Super Bowl halftime show we needed and deserved. Now unless homophobic tweets surface, Alicia can host the Oscars, the State of the Union and game night at your Aunt Beverly’s house. Sashay you stay, Alicia Augello Cook.
3. Lady Gaga – Hair. Body. Face. The bastard love child of Sammy Jo Carrington, Dale Bozzio from Missing Persons & late-90s Courtney Love. Three Grammy wins later, it’s Gaga’s world and we’re just living in it. I know many thought the performance was extra AF, but I’m all for seeing A Rock Star Is Born. Only two weeks until she tops off her amazing year by losing Best Actress to Glenn Close. Ha-ah-ah-ahhaaa-ah-ah-ah, haaawaah, ha-ah-ah-aaah!
4. Ricky Martin – Exactly 20 years since his career-changing performance of The Cup of Life at the ’99 Grammys that ignited the Latin Explosion, Ricky opened the show with a bilingual salsa-fied In the Heights-esque performance alongside Camila Cabello & J.Balvin that had me livin’ la vida loca. And just so you know, I absolutely have not been Googling white suits and mustache trimmers for the last 12 hours.
5. Shawn Mendes – Sorry Dua Lipa, but the real winner of Best New Artist goes to Shawn’s bare, buff, smooth, supple, loving arms!
6. Miley Cyrus – Dolly Parton duets and plunging necklines be damned, but long hair Miley will forever be Hannah Montana.
7. Kacey Musgraves – Katy Perry? Courteney Cox? Kyle Richards? Paris Hilton in a wig? Who is Kacey Musgraves? She’s the rich white woman snatching all the trophies, that’s who. Get it, gurl.
8. Janelle Monae – Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to see Janelle Monae slay the house down boots! The Robert Palmer girls have been leveled up. She’s got her legs exposed & her sapphic Stormtroopers in tow, so Janelle is here, she’s queer and I can get used to this!
9. John Mayer – I hate to admit it, but I would totally let John Mayer cheat on me.
10 . Post Malone – There’s so much content here, but right now I’m most concerned with his camel toe.
11. Red Hot Chilli Peppers – Larry, Daryl & Daryl have resurfaced! Now Bob Newhart introducing Best New Artist makes even more sense, but the Chilli Peppers’ performance with Post Malone still does not.
12. Dolly Parton – Welcome to Dollywood! A stunning tribute, yet no one can do the 73-year-old justice. (Settle down, Katy!) It should give us all hope that there are only two types of people in this world: Dolly Parton fans and Dolly Parton super fans. Which one are you? #MakeAmericaDollyAgain
13. Cardi B – You know it was her night when Cardi took the stage and yelled “Welcome to the Grammys!” … over an hour after the show started. The red carpet! The performance! The speech! All of it! QUEEN. History was made as the first female solo artist to win Best Rap Album. She’s CinderFuckingRella, but her evil Step Mother is gonna be pissed because she’s never won one. Also she needs a new Prince Charming. Okurrr!
14. Kylie Jenner & Meghan Trainor – There was a mix-up at the clown shop and they wore each other’s terrible outfit! Maybe I’m wrong and by next year Kris Jenner will have everyone wearing Kylie’s cattle (or is it kattle?) artificial insemination gloves. Regardless, send a pair to Meg!
15. Drake – Getting his speech cut was not the biggest indignity he suffered last night.
16. Diana Ross – Icon. Supreme. The Boss. And still no competitive Grammy wins! Zero. Drake was right, they don’t mean a thing. Her yelling “Happy Birthday to Me” is an anthem worthy of at least 3 Grammys, an all-star tribute and a Broadway musical. Dirty D!
17. Jennifer Lopez – What in Mexican telenovela hell is this? Jenny from the Cartel? The Norteño Grammys? Love makes you do stupid things, so I’m blaming this rare red carpet misfire on A.Rod. As for the Motown tribute, granted she may have been a very, very curious choice, but that performance proved she should have done the Super Bowl halftime show last year, this year & next year!
18. Smokey Robinson/Grey – The Grammy’s of the Damned …for that Motown tribute. I don’t know who Grey are, but a male blond duo hasn’t made an impression like this since Nelson.
19. Bebe Rexha – She said no designer wanted to dress her for the Grammys. So she channeled her inner Anna Nicole and said “Like My Body!” …and they did.
20. St. Vincent & Dua Lipa – I am now a lesbian. Take me to your leader, ladies! They were giving us L-Word in Space, the club scene in Basic Instinct minus Michael Douglas in a deep V & Jennifer Tilly/ Gina Gerson Bound realness. And I was here for all of it.
21. Yolanda Adams, Fantasia, Andra Day – I have nothing but R-E-S-P-E-C-T for their amazing voices. They did Aretha right. But they should have used some of their Black Girl Magic to find a stylist befitting of their talents. Seriously, Andra needs to send a cease & desist, stat! Say a little prayer.
22. Wilmer Valderrama – Damn, Papi.
23. Toni Braxton – The 51-year-old diva just won the 18-year challenge.
24. Weezer – Crockett & Tubbs could never! The OG hipster kings are living their best Miami Vice life, unironically.
25. Katy Perry – She tried it.
SPECIAL MENTION: Aida Cuevas – She’s the Queen of Ranchera Music, but now everyone will know her as the woman who wore Roseanne’s (I mean, The Conners’) couch to the Grammys. Pobrecita!
ICYMI: 20 THINGS YOU MISSED FROM THE SOTU SPEECH
You heard all the lies, half-truths and exaggerations in Donald Trump‘s State of the Union speech, so I’ll spare you from rehashing any of that nonsense.
Instead here are 20 things you didn’t see or hear last night.
ALL THE THINGS NANCY PELOSI SAID …
1. “This is going to be a tough vote. I mean, I love Lady Gaga, but Glenn Close is long overdue.”
2. “I’ll have the fettuccine alfredo, sauce on the side, and a house salad.”
3. “Hey Pencey. 22 Across. What’s a five-letter word for snake oil salesman? Bwahaha.”
4. “The only wall going up is this hand between you and my chest.”
5. “This is my House, bitch. Kiss the ring.”
6. “Don’t worry, Donald. I’ll keep your balls safe right here.”
7. “Dang! That weave is even more busted than I thought.”
8. “Mother is gonna shit when she sees this!”
9. “I think you’re really going to love Club 96.”
1o. “You’re so basic vain. You probably think this clap is about you.”
11. “That performance was completely phony and devoid of any charisma, uniqueness, nerve or talent. Your runway look was amateur, crooked and an insult to all the queens that stand before you. And your hair and makeup were even cheaper than your words. Donald Trump, you are up for incarceration. The time has come for you to lip sync for your life.”
THREE THINGS MIKE PENCE WAS THINKING …
12. “Next year I’ll be giving this speech …or in solitary confinement.”
13. “Forgive me Mother, for I have sinned.”
14. “Jeepers! I can’t wait for that Maroon 5 guy to come on & take his shirt off again.”
THREE THINGS MELANIA SAID TO HERSELF …
15.”I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Oh, not yet? My bad.”
16.”You can do this. Hello, I’m Melania. Be Best. Children. Bullying. Hello, I’m Melania. Be Best. Children. Bullying. Hello, I’m Mel…..”
17. “I think it’s time I go for another one of those ‘kidney operations’ again.”
WHAT A.O.C. WAS THINKING …
18. “I thought when a new Supreme rises, the old one is supposed to fade away. Goddammit!”
19. “I’m fine if this whole politics thing doesn’t work out, because what I really want to do is direct.”
20. “Jovani.”
Stay strong, everyone. There are only 626 days until Election Day, November 3, 2020.
1. Winter has come and Julie Chen is serving Khaleesi from the House of Moonves realness. She doesn’t have three dragons, only one … her husband! #ChenBotOfThrones
2. It’s been revealed that WWE star Natalie Eva Marie is actually the bastard love child of Ariana Grande & Demi Lovato. #TotalDivasLive
3. Lolo Jones is a favorite to win, not because she’s is an Olympian, but because as a 36-year-old virgin she’s got all the endurance tests in the bag. Yes, she’s the nearly 40-year-old virgin. #KellyClarkson
4. This is either OJ Simpson houseboy legend Kato Kaelin or Tilda Swinton‘s latest performance art piece. The verdict’s still out.
5. Tamar Braxton & Joey Lawrence could make it to the end, but only if they form the secret Beautiful, Bald & Brows alliance. #Woah
6. “OG momager” Dina Lohan gets the sympathy vote, because she filed for bankruptcy last year to save her Long Island home. If she doesn’t win the $1ooK, season 2 of Lohan Beach House might just have a new VIP server on staff. #ParentalGuidanceSuggested
7. Jonathan Bennett is having a moment. Big Brother, Cake Wars, Ariana’s Thank U, Next video & he’s in a relationship with a former Chippendales dancer. So fetch! After having his career stalled for being gay (he publicly came out in 2017) following Mean Girls, all I can say is: “you go, Aaron Samuels!”
8. First Omarosa and now Anthony Scaramucci. Can BB please stop sympathizing with these Trump enablers?! The Mooch showed his snowflake status by whining: “I’m not happy there was a twist on day 1 of coming into the House.” But it’s unclear if he was talking about Big Brother or his stint with the Disaster-in-Chief.
Is The Mooch talking about #CelebBB or his stint in the White House? 🤷🏻♂️ pic.twitter.com/fRfE76psrT
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 23, 2019
Who is head of the household? Who is up for eviction? I have no clue, but with 4 episodes of #CelebBB a week, we better get a shirtless/speedo moment of Joey, Jonathan & Ryan, stat!
Until then, enjoy Joey’s 1993 classic video for Nothing My Love Can’t Fix.
Fifteen years after Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan is back and coming for Lisa Vanderpump‘s gigs!
The 32-year-old former child star turned former party girl is now a club owner, or at the least, playing one on TV.
Set in Mykonos, the premiere episode proved to be quite the educational experience. Here are 10 things I learned watching Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club.
1. The first rule of Lindsay Lohan Beach Club is never mention Lindsay Lohan Beach Club always wear a bra. Also, LOL to meeting with Spielberg! She funny.
The first rule of Lindsay #LohanBeachClub 👙 pic.twitter.com/9jujBTQfe2
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 9, 2019
2. The term “model marketing server” is apparently a thing and it’s douchy VIP lounge code for … server.
Dictionary update: Model Marketing Server #LohanBeachClub pic.twitter.com/yDfOZ30tIj
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 9, 2019
3. Blue hair is ok at Lohan Beach Club (and at the Golden Globes). But two ladies with blue hair is not. #OnWednesdaysWeDyeYourHairPink
4. There are no production assistants or cabs in Mykonos, because LiLo is still driving herself around town. LAWD HAVE MERCY!
5. Half of the show’s production budget went towards microblading for the male cast. Et tu, after-show host Jonathan Bennett.
6. Thirteen years since trust fund garbage person Brandon Davis called her out for being “$7 million poor,” Linds finally set the record straight.
7. Lindsay: “If she has more makeup than me then she’s fired.” Um, agreed!
8. It’s official, Lindsay is not 45.
Well that finally settles it! #LohanBeachClub pic.twitter.com/hQmAsOGGvh
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 10, 2019
9. Lindsay: “The second you become emotional, I’m going to become like Putin. I have no emotion when it comes to money & business.” This also explains her performances in Liz & Dick and The Canyons.
This explains “Liz & Dick.” #LohanBeachClub pic.twitter.com/UeomEFXQDD
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 10, 2019
10. The true star of the show are Lindsay’s statement earrings. Hopefully someone paid for them!
And finally, if you need a non-Lindsay reason to watch next week’s episode, say hello (or is it yassou?) to Aristotle. I’ll be his brand ambassador anytime!
Now let’s pretend we’re in Mykonos and dance to the anthem of a generation. Welcome back, Lindsay! #Rumors
Gym. Tan. Lookalike!
Real Housewives of New Jersey star Dolores Catania and Wendy Williams on Surving R.Kelly must have the same hair, makeup and wardrobe stylists …or somethin’ like that.
When you’re originally from the Garden State you’re family.