Hell hath no fury like an Oscar nomination scorned! Annie Proulx gets Jack Nasty on the Academy, CRASH and Scientology. LOVE IT!

The new FX series Black.White. chronicles what happens when a white and black family switch races through the magic of Hollywood hair and makeup. The white family appears somewhat passable as black. The black family on the other hand looks about as believable as Tyra Banks did in the fat suit. What I want to know is who are these people in Los Angeles interacting with the newly white family and not calling them out on their ridiculous get ups. We can put a man on the moon but we still can’t make a realistic looking wig?!
If you always wondered what the world would have looked like if Michael Jackson and Macauly Culkin had been able to procreate then tune in to FX Wednesdays at 10pm.

As you can tell from the recap, I was upset that CRASH hijacked the Best Picture Oscar from BROKEBACK. While there is no question that gay men live and love in Wyoming, I found CRASH full of coincidences that in the end made the film completely unrealistic.

Anyone who believes that a white cop in present day Los Angeles would ever pick up a black teen hitchhiker for truly altruistic reasons probably also believes Eddie Murphy was just helping out his fellow MAN when he picked up pre-op transsexual prostitute Shalomar (aka Atisone Kenneth Seiuli) on Santa Monica Boulevard at 4am in 1997. Wait a minute. I think I just came across the best idea ever for a combined sequel (with bits of TransAmerica and Pretty Woman thrown in for good measure) BROKEBACK CRASH 2: THE EDDIE MURPHY STORY.
I think RuPaul’s Oscar dreams are slowly being realized.

It was an historic Academy Awards.The host was funny, a rap group performed (and won) and with nominees “Capote”, “Transamerica”, “Brokeback Mountain” and Dolly Parton, the world watched the biggest gay bash since…well, last year’s show.

While it was a year of “important” films dealing with themes like homosexuality, racism and censorship, it was also a year of record lows as far as attendance and box office.In the end, racism beat out homophobia as the gay boys lost out to a mediocre serious film helmed by the Scientologistas. I think I can see Katie Holmes smiling.

As expected the fashion was pretty safe with no one willing to take a risk for fear of being ridiculed by every TV show, magazine, email or blog.

Before I start the recap, I know some of you have asked to receive the email quicker.I apologize for the delay (especially to you East Coasters) and as soon as I start getting paid for doing this THEN we can discuss deadlines. Hey, It’s hard out here for a temp!

As always feel free to send me your feedback and let me know if you would like to be added to the distribution list.


Johnny Lopez



Nicole Kidman – move over Nomi Malone because Nicole Kidman is GODDESS! Nicole always looks amazing- – when the batteries are included. Hey Portia and Ellen, Nicole and Keith Urban are the new hot power lesbian couple. His chunk stripes don’t lie. Has she learned nothing from Tom?

George Clooney – Do you think when he and Nicole made “The Peacemaker” they ever imagined someday they’d BOTH be Oscar winners?So charming, handsome and talented, and always knows the right thing to say (see acceptance speech). I just can’t figure out why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.Oh yeah, I almost forgot.

Bryan Lourd – In case you don’t know who he is: CAA uber-Agent, the ex-Mr. Carrie Fisher, current gay American and Clooney’s bald “date” to the Oscars and the Independent Spirit Awards.I just hope another dead gay Republican doesn’t turn up in Carrie’s bed like last year. (google R. Gregory Stevens if you know not of what I speak) I just don’t think he’d be able to put a kibosh on the story two years running. But maybe I’m wrong. We’ll just have to check the day’s headlines and see.

Tom Hanks – Instead of worrying about acceptance speech length, he should be more concerned with his chemically straightened hair length. I most have skipped “The Da Vinci Code” chapter on blowouts. It’s almost as disturbing as The Lenny Kravitz flatiron debacle of ’04. Almost.

Ben Stiller – Starring in JOKE FAILURE.Yet it was still funnier than “Mystery Men”, “Meet the Parents”, “Duplex” and “Envy” combined. If only he HAD disappeared as this visual effects bit falsely promised. His green bodysuit was second only to Helena Bonham Carter for worst outfit of the night.

Catherine Keener – Text messaging and chatting up friends across the Kodak Theater aisle– and you thought you were bored at home?!Poor Dermot Mulroney, every trophy wife knows you never breakup with your overly-employed spouse prior to the Oscar noms.

Naomi WHAT! – I think it is safe to say she has mastered the washed out look. Shouldn’t style tips come with being best friends with La Kidman?This isn’t the way to make your Oscar nominated ex-boyfriend and his nominated common-law wife jealous.

Dolly Parton – Hello Dolly! How can you not love her?Strangely, she looked older (but more human) in 1980’s “9 to 5”.At this rate, in ten years she’ll either look like Dakota Fanning or a Mesozoic Era Joan Rivers.

Luke and Owen Wilson – piggybacking on Jon Stewart’s “talent” Baldwin Brothers joke, the Wilsons should take heed and remember that, a long, long, long time ago (in the early 90s) the Baldwin Brothers were also once considered hunks.

Jennifer Aniston – America can rest assured knowing that their little battered fawn princess in silk charmeuse is alive and well. Instead of sulking over Hurricane Brangelina she should be thanking Brad for raising her to A-list status.Otherwise, she’d be flipping property somewhere between Lisa Kudrow-ville and Courtney Cox-town.My only question is why, after12 years, two big screen flops, one divorce and 10,000 Zone meals later is she still sporting a modified RACHEL haircut. Have we seen that dress before—just shorter.

Will Ferrell and Steve Carell – Can you say “All About Eve?”The torch has been passed or should I say STOLEN.The 40 Year Old Virgin is Hollywood’s new It-man.But Steve, if your agent utters the words remake and Nicole Kidman, run for your life!

And Will, unless you look like Colin Farrell, you are only allowed so many flops (Bewitched, Kicking and Screaming, Melinda+Melinda, The Producers). Please proceed to pilot season immediately upon exiting the Kodak Theater.

Rachel McAdams – You know what was scarier than “Red Eye”, the fact that Rachel wouldn’t pose nude for Tom Ford’s Vanity Fair cover but hosted the Science and Technical Awards in that hideous yellow frock.

Morgan Freeman – His narration is so ubiquitous that I even hear the thoughts in my head in HIS voice.

Rachel Weisz – Gorgeous! Her black dress was so slimming I thought she had decided NOT to carry the baby to term.Please tell me her win ensures us there won’t be a Mummy 3. Or will it be her Stepford-Aeon-Catwoman Oscar follow-flop.Should she be flying across the country in her third trimester?

Lauren Bacall – We should exalt living Hollywood legends like Ms. Bacall and not force them to read tele-prompters that are 40 feet away!All that was missing was for her to quote Liz Taylor and yell “GLADIATOR”! How gorgeous was Lauren?! Showing pictures of her from the 40s, now was that to honor her or make her feel bad? This is how Joan Rivers’ face SHOULD look and not like it’s polyurethane self.

Terence Howard – The best he’s ever looked.The hair looked 100% better. Is he the long lost brother of America’s Next Top Model Eva Pigford?

Charlize Theron – At The Oil Baron’s Ball.Sporting one of those big bow ties from the animated feature winners—but in deep green.Kudos for doing something different.In the gilded age of uber-styling, this is the closest we are going to get to a Bjork dress or a Celine Dion backwards suit.Where are Demi Moore’s bike shorts when you need them! I can’t wait to find out what the final installment of her Oscar nominated White Trash Trilogy will be.Perhaps “The Tonya Harding Story” or maybe “Appalachia, 90210”.

Samuel L. Jackson – sans kangol: he is Yoda.

Jennifer Garner – Starring in “Look, I Almost Lost All the Baby Weight”. Hey, who let in the TELEVISON stars?! Figuratively and literally her last TRIP to the Oscars. This was her biggest misstep since ELEKTRA. She may want to consider moving “ALIAS” to that new WB/UPN hybrid network, The CW.

Jennifer Lopez – The original Bennifer. Her and Marc Anthony are the Puerto Rican Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett.I can’t even wrap my head around that relationship. After last night, there is not a drop of bronzer left within a 100-mile radius of Los Angeles. Loved the dress and the color. Flawless entrance, but the makeup was by Will Ferrell.

Kathleen Bird York – (Singing “In the Deep”) The bastard lovechild of Marica Cross and Sarah McLachlan.From the looks of the performance and set, I wasn’t sure if that beautifully haunting song was from “Crash” or “Dawn of the Dead”. The zombie dancers were just plain creepy. Ever since the Great White incident, I think pyrotechnics just makes everyone nervous. To all the native New Yorkers—can you say Happyland?

Sandra Bullock – Can someone let her know her body stocking is poking up from under her dress.She said she no longer wants to make anymore of her signature romantic comedies.I need all of us to hold her to it. I mean it, no budging!

Keanu Reeves – or his Matrix replicant? Something is off because he is not aging.I can’t quite place it. Was it the brows or the frozen face?Despite the lack of acting chops and the two failed Matrix sequels I still love me some K.Keanu in “Speed” is better than porn.

Salma Hayek – and on the seventh day God created Salma.How do you say GORGE in Mexican? Real women have curves!You have to look like Salma in order to get away with saying “Oscar wiener” and “Bill Cunti” at the Academy Awards.

Gustavo Santaolalla –(won for Brokeback’s score)- Sean Astin is that you? Hispanic composer, Asian director, gay themes and hetero actors: and I thought “Crash” was the Benetton ad of afilm!Now I hear they are making dance remixes of the score. Whose bright idea is that? Because being 35 at a club isn’t depressing enough!

Jake Gyllenhaal – He’s Clooney for the MySpace generation.I smell a romantic comedy in his future.OK, I know it’s getting to be a problem and I need to get help.When is the next Gyllenhaalics Anonymous meeting?

Jessica Alba – The patron saint of Production Assistants everywhere. Excluding “Fantastic Four”, I dare you to find a flaw. You know you’re really hot when you’re on a Playboy cover and don’t even have to show your cookies.

Eric Bana – Are he and Jennifer Connelly still receiving reparations from the Ang Lee Hulk Memorial Fund?“Hulk”, “Troy”, “Munich” and yet he still has not caught on.I smell a romantic comedy in his future.Paging Cameron Diaz.

Meryl Streep + Lily Tomlin –Lily in her black tie “Memoirs of a GAYsha” ensemble and Meryl taking a cue from Mariah with the Emancipation of Meryl’s cleavage. Her Dorothy Zbornak era of dresses is officially over. She really is in her PRIME. Now someone get these two crazy old broads off the stage.

Robert Altman – What, no mention of cinematic gems like “Pret-a-Porter” or “Dr. T & the Women?”I’ve always wanted someone to come out at the Oscars, and now I know I need to be more specific. But don’t get me wrong; I am very happy that the heart transplant recipient closet doors are finally being torn down, especially for all those lonely Red State teens!

M. Night Shyamalan – in that American Express commercial – When did he turn into Jai from Queer Eye for the Straight Girl?

Ludacris – I’m sure Luda loved it when Jon Stewart asserted that no one watching the telecast knew who Luda was.Dem is fightin’ words.

Three 6 Mafia – The biggest pimps to take the Oscar stage since Bob and Harvey Weinstein. Something ain’t right when even your Aunt Phyllis in Akron knows “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp.”

Queen Latifah – If Charlize can win an Oscar for gaining weight to play a lesbian in the movies then Queen should get one for losing weight and being one in real life. Double standards!

IN MEMORIAM – no mention of last week’s trifecta of Don Knotts, Darren McGavin and Dennis Weaver.Where is the love?

Will Smith – You can keep working and coming to the Oscars if you promise NEVER to release another album.

Jada Pinkett Smith – The same goes for you Jada.How’s that metal band Wicked Wisdom working out for ya? When’s your next set at The Grove mall

Tsotsi – winner of Best Foreign Film – and contrary to popular belief it is not a South African remake starring Dustin Hoffman.

Ziyi Zhang – I’ll give A DOLLAR to whoever can pronounce her name CORRECTLY.Then I’ll give A DOLLAR to anyone who understood all the dialogue in “Geisha”.

Hilary Swank – The best she’s ever looked, despite her sagging breasts.The real test of her acting ability will be if she ever wins an Oscar for playing FEMININE.Then she’ll be able to ask her career and matrimonially challenged husband, Chad, for advice.

Philip Seymour Hoffman – Now that he’s won the Oscar, his next stop should be VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club.The mom portion of his speech was sweet but you know, Oscar aside, she is even more proud that he SHAVED for once.

John Travolta – He’s about to don drag to for a role in “Hairspray.” Talk about art imitating life.At least now if he ever needs a ride Eddie Murphy will be more than happy to help him out.

Jamie Foxx – You have an Oscar and a hit album, there’s no reason to still be buying your shirts at Chess King.Was his date his sister or an American Idol finalist?

Reese Witherspoon – Remember when Oscar winners cried when they won?

She’s got Oscar, Ryan, two kids and an alleged $29 million to make her next film—a horror movie.Has she learned nothing from Halle, Charlize and Nicole? No action, horror or remakes post-Oscar. Just say no!But that doesn’t mean we want a “Legally Blonde 3” either.

Ryan Phillippe – Speaking of sequels, his next role: “First Wives Club 2” co-starring Chad Lowe and Nick Lachey.

Dustin Hoffman – It’s been over 15 years, you can stop being “Rain Man” now.

Diana Ossana and Larry McMurty – (Brokeback writers) – They wuz robbed.Larry looks just STRAIGHT up crazy. Brokeback face.

Uma Thurman – FANTABULOUS. Showing Naomi Whats how to wear muted tones CORRECTLY. Hey Gwynie, Nicole, Renee, Charlize and Reese, is there room in your Pretty Blonde Oscar Winner club for one more? If so then Uma better gain weight, learn to fly or play an Eskimo to up her chances.

Paul Haggis – Now that he has stolen won the Oscar for Best Picture, watch as he tackles yet another controversial topic very near and dear to his heart (and purse strings): Scientologist-aphobia.Strangely enough, I don’t think casting or financing will be much of a problem.

Ang Lee – 500 awards show wins later and finally the GAYS are mentioned in an acceptance speech.I was beginning to think it was his ancient Chinese secret.

Jack Nicholson – arriving with his children and sitting next to his future child bride Keira Knightley. In the words of Alma Del Mar: “Jack Nasty!”

Tim Burton – There’s crazy and then there’s Tim Burton’s brand of loco. Styling by Johnny Depp. Hair by The Nick Nolte Mug Shot Academy.

Helena BOTTOM Carter – Accompanying Charlize to the Oil Baron’s Ball but as Fallon Carrington Colby—the Emma Samms years.She is literally Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride.But tread softly Helena because notice how Lisa Marie’s credits ended right around her breakup from Tim.

Sharon Stone – Reprising her role in “Casino” or the third and final guest at the Texas Oil Baron’s Ball (as Krystle Carrington).Hey who’s the crazy old lady showing her vadge in Basic Instinct 2?

Heath Ledger – I was never a fan of his and never understood the alleged sex appeal (sorry but he and his stringy hair looked gross in “10 Things I Hate About You”) but with each subsequent award show he gets more and more attractive.No sleep till Brooklyn! He and Michelle prove, once again, that the quickest way to gain acting cred in Hollywood is to move to New York. Cuz they ain’t giving out any acting awards at Kitson or Geisha House.You hear that Lindsay.

Michelle Williams – Tangerine dream! GLAMOUR personified. Red lips are the new black! Somewhere in Tom Cruise’s lair, Katie Holmes, (no longer smiling), is hooked up to an e-meter, fighting off body thetans, sobbing and wondering what the hell went wrong.

Joaquin Phoenix – If only Johnny Cash had been gay, then glory would have been all his!

Amy Adams – The real winner of this year’s Award season.I smell a romantic comedy in her future.Rent “Junebug”, she really is that good!

Felicity Huffman – What the Academy was saying by not giving Flicka the award is: you are a TELEVISION ACTRESS and don’t you forget it.In this town racism and homosexuality aren’t taboos but inter-industry mixing can end your career. With award season and Felicity’s run over, we can all now go back to ignoring the plight of transsexuals forever.

Keira Knightley – What’s wrong with her? If doing the red carpet is such a pain then don’t do it.Too much makeup. Too much necklace. Too much dress. But not enough oral hygiene. Even Lestat had a better orthodontist.

Frances McDormand – She’s still dressing like she’s in those “North Country” mines.

Paul Giamatti – Is he an Italian Jew because I swear he was wearing a yamaka? Oh, no that’s just his bald spot.

Jennifer Jason Leigh – Remember her?Now why doesn’t her husband, Noah Baumbach (Squid and the Whale), write and direct her in a movie.Girl could use an award or two.

Lauren Hutton – the part of Sally Kirkland will now be played by Lauren Hutton. BIZARRE.

Jon Stewart – Bravo. The anti-Chris Rock.Thank God he pulled it off.Otherwise the Academy was going to go with the likes of Soupy Sales, Sid Caesar or the Smothers Brothers for next year’s show.The gay cowboy bit was GENIUS! Jon Stewart for President! Buy the t-shirt at:http://www.misswit.net/stewart.html

Gayle “drag” King – Again I ask: Donde esta Stedman, Oprah?

Joan Rivers – The best Joan moments were: confusing the Six Million Dollar Man, Lee Majors, for Brokeback scribe Larry McMurty and asking Clooney on his thoughts of taking home a little gold man and “I don’t mean Jackie Chan”.Classic Joanisms at their best.

Melissa Rivers – The appendix of the red carpet. Useless.

Isaac Mizrahi – Kathy Griffin makes one Dakota Fanning joke and is banished to the Siberian hinterlands of Hollywood.Isaac asks personal hygiene questions and gropes several actresses and is asked back.Apparently gay clowns win big at the Oscars but serious depictions of gays do not!




2006 Grammys – 2/9/05

by Johnny Lopez

They need to rename this The Grammy Performance Show, because they barely give out any awards. There are 108 categories (not 500 like Joan Rivers proclaimed) and maybe 10 awards were actually televised.
Can someone please answer me this: Why are there still Latin music awards given out at the Grammys, isn’t that what the Latin Grammys are for?

Regardless, here are Six Lessons I learned from The 48th Annual Awards:
1. Lifetime Achievement and Trustee Award recipients are only worth 60 seconds of airtime.
2. TV contest winners will be rewarded and praised to within an inch of their lives.
3. Country artists and nominees may come to the show—if they want.
4. Network brass is free to invite stars of their shows no matter how irrelevant it seems (stay tuned for the cast of “King of Queens” presenting Best Rap/Sung collaboration).
5. Madonna can do whatever she wants whenever she wants to whomever she wants, nomination not required.
6. If you didn’t recognize the plethora of identical looking rappers and skinny-tie clad rockers at the Staples Center, don’t fret. They will have the shelf life of a Lou Pearlman boy band.

On with the recap!

To be added to the distribution list, to send your comments, or to hire Johnny Lopez to write for your magazine, website or TV show please email Johnny Lopez at:

Until the Oscars on March 5th.
Johnny Lopez

PS—For those of you who were asking, my comments in US Weekly’s Fashion Police will now be seen every other week.

Gorillaz – The first time Madonna has dueted with cartoon characters since her VMA kiss with Britney + Christina.

Madonna – Cue ZZ Top cuz “she’s got Leggs and she knows how to use ‘em!” Channeling her inner Cyd Charise. Too bad her voice isn’t as flawless as her body. FYI-she didn’t lip synch the first portion, it was a video (notice the difference in her hair from the main performance). Say what you want about her vocal talents, but the English Rose is FORTY FUCKIN’ SEVEN YEARS OLD. How old are you?! Some say her hair is very Valerie Cherish (Lisa Kudrow “The Comeback”) or Farrah Fawcett. I say it’s more Lydia Cornell/Sara Rush in Too Close For Comfort—you know, the blonde daughter! I wonder what the Kaballah has to say about middle-aged mothers of two dancing around in their underwear. She’s the winner of best vadge of the night—no camel toe here boys and girls. Corset #1 of the evening. Guy Ritchie was nowhere in sight, looks like someone’s gonna be SORRY!

Alicia Keys – Someone’s been getting her style tips from watching The L-Word. See, there are women in real life that look like the characters on that show.

Stevie Wonder
– The only person allowed to wear sunglasses inside of ANY award show. Ever. I’m talking to you Kanye, Bono and Jack Nicholson.

Kelly Clarkson
– She’s the female Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Great American Success Story of the 21st Century. From CONTEST WINNER to top of the charts to Grammy Winner. My fellow Americans, I give you the future first female US President! Or is she the music industry’s version of Christa McAliffe, watch for her Grammy Space Shuttle to explode any minute now! She changed out of her ugly black arrival dress (compliments of Bed, Bath and Beyond), into her ugly red performance dress and back again. Was that a pre-Idol video confessional or her application for Extreme Makeover? Since you been gone, Kelly Clarkson has morphed from a brunette, pudgy nose quasi-Asian looking chick to an industry backed bonafide rock star. Paula Abdul be damned!

Justin Guarini
– No, he wasn’t there. But he’s doing well. I just saw Guarini in first class on my flight to NY—WORKING!

Nicole Kidman
– I wasn’t aware that Cyborg Replicants could enjoy music. She’s the only thing less human than the Gorillaz.

– Tonight the music of U2 will be played by Coldplay. I hear Chris Martin has unsafe sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. It may just be a rumor though, Lady Gwyneth wouldn’t do such things.

John Legend
– He’s like Alicia Keys but with Grammys. No, that’s not right. Ok, he’s the masculine Alicia Keys. Let me try that again. Alright, he’s a female-loving Alicia Keys. Shoot. Uh…how ‘bout he plays the piano just like Alicia Keys. Ok, I think that works.

– The technical difficulties and the one-minute length performance confirms that Country artists are the redheaded albino bastard children of the Recording Academy. The lead singer is the first soccer mom of Country of the night.

Alison Krauss
– The second Country soccer mom of the night.

Keith Urban
– His hair makes him look more like Keith SUB-Urban soccer mom #3. The biggest lie of the last 3 years isn’t about Weapons of Mass Destruction but that men think they can pull off highlights and a flatiron and still maintain any sort of dignity.

– Old men in leather can mean only one of 2 things: Fetish night at The Manhole or The Grammys! They win Album of the Year, among others, and thank their fellow nominees:
Kanye is praised. Paul McCartney is told he apparently discovered this country. C’mon Bono, he’s old, but not that old. Mariah has a voice of an angel. And Gwen Stefani gets complimented for her LOOKS! You can dress it up in fancy bows all you want but a dis is still a dis! Holla back, girl!

– I know I have trouble finding sunglasses that look good on my face but this is ridiculous! Somebody needs to stop shopping in the Chem Lab section of Sunglass Hut. Anyone got a Bunsen Burner on them?

Larry Mullen Jr
– He’s about as hot as Heather Graham’s TV career. Que paso?

Adam Clayton
– Maybe he should have married Naomi Campbell when he had the chance.

The Edge
–He is slowly emerging as the hot one in U2, by default.

Mary J. Blige
– Her voice is a ONE and only. Nobody brings it like La Blige. That being said, Mary Mary, the Queen Victoria meets Julius Caesar hairdo has got to go. Corset #2 of the night, but this time it looked more like a saddle. Can her stylist stop the HATERATION!

David Bowie
– Damn! His Lifetime achievement could have been called GONE in SIXTY SECONDS cuz that’s how long the Academy gave him. Expect to see a proper all-star tribute featuring the likes of The White Stripes, Martina McBride, NSYNC and DMX upon his DEATH.

Kanye West
– The ego has landed. Everything from the gloves to the glasses to the attitude was completely over the top. By the way Kanye, Destiny Child’s Bug-a-Boo and Hollaback Girl beat you to the punch on that whole marching band thang!

Gwen Stefani + Gavin Rossdale
– I give you the Ryan and Reese of music. Hold Gwen’s purse Gavin, that’s your JOB. Sadly the only music you’ll ever hear coming from Bush again will be the cries from Gwen’s. The most minimalist she’s ever looked. What did she do with the kitchen sink?

Paul McCartney
– Nana is that you? What is it about aging rock stars that turns them into elderly women? Case in Point: McCartney, Manilow (who has the #1 album in the country this week), Steven Tyler and Rod Stewart.
I’m sure Sharon Tate’s family is just thrilled that he chose to sing Helter Skelter last night. “Free Manson” t-shirts available at grammy.com. Paul, Jay-Z and Linkin Park singing “Yesterday”on the same stage, somewhere in The Dakota Yoko Ono is dialing her lawyer and cursing in Japanglish.

Jennifer Love Hewitt
– lost amongst the sea of Black Eyed Peas! Here’s a “whisper” for J.Love to hear: she recorded three albums and the only way she can get a seat at the Grammys is to have a series on the network airing the awards. And what happened to her Audrey Hepburn look she’s been rockin’ for 5 years? Last night she was Kate Jackson in a Cher wig.

Black Eyed PLEASE
– With band members named will.i.am, Fergie, Taboo and apl.de.ap, Black Eyed PLEASE, Don’t Phunk with my NERVES!

– Trannie BROWS. I heard her speak on the green carpet and there was no trace of her faux-Puerto Rican accent. No No No No Don’t Lie! Almost unrecognizable without an exposed vagina.

– The Recording Academy was like “you can perform during the Sly Stone tribute but the whore and the 2 clowns cannot!”

Ellen DeGeneres
– the second most powerful lesbian in the audience—next to Paul McCartney.

Mariah Carey
– The comeback hits a bump in the road. 3 out of 8 Grammy wins (of which none were televised) and loses the opening performance slot to NON-nominee Madonna. She better just ‘Shake it off’. The performance was a snore. A choir does not an interesting performance make. I wanted her to rip the bottom of her dress, reveal one of her trademark hoochie frocks and gives us an up-tempo number. Instead we got some of her classic signature octave exercises, Rapunzel hair and the de rigueur Tourette’s-of-the-hand fluttering. If it’s any consolation they started playing “We Belong Together” after U2 won for Song of the Year. Oops!

Teri Hatcher
– Desperate CRACKHEAD. If you haven’t seen Teri’s exchange with Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet then track it down. COKED OUT OF HER MIND at 4pm Pacific Time. She was doing her best Janice Dickinson impersonation. The only thing worse than a gown and an exposed tattoo–exposed underwear. Talk about Trashy lingerie. It was SHEER terror!

Michael Buble
– He didn’t win a Grammy or get to perform, but he presented with Hatcher so I’m betting he at least got a hand job.

Bonnie Raitt
– Looked non-pulsed by Kelly Clarkson’s shout out. Presenting with James Taylor they were the grannies of The Grammys.

Jenna Elfman
– The Return—for now. Scientology forces you to marry gay men and give up your free will but on the plus side her sitcom “Courting Alex” is a hit. Oh look, I think I see Heather Graham entering the Scientology Celebrity Centre as we speak.

Faith Hill
– more like Faith over-the-Hill. What happened to glamorous, Versace clad Y2K Faith? Behold the fourth Country soccer mom of the night.

Joss Stone
– Towering 3 feet above everyone on the red carpet, she was like one of the talking trees in Lord of the Rings—except a little hairier. No one bought her sophomore album but everyone wants her to perform with them–barefoot. Sorry Grammy Academy but that don’t pay Joss’ rent or her pedicure bills!

– It’s Daffy Duck in a “Skating with the Celebrities” ensemble. Settle down girl, you won the competition already, you don’t have to try so hard.

Devon Lima
– (performing with Fantasia) Remember him from the boy band LFO? Neither did anyone else.

Adam Levine
(Maroon 5) – 98 Degrees + Jessica Simpson + Maroon 5 = Herpes Simplex 1, 2 and 3.

– I have one thing to say, sashay shante, shante, shante, shante! GORGE! Why has she been hiding under all those bad weaves and hair colors? With the help of one Mariah whore dress she put the hermaphrodite rumors to rest and let us all see her ‘Goodies’.

Steven Tyler and Joe Perry
–aka IN MEMORIAM personified. Are they from Aerosmith or The Pirates of the Caribbean? Is Steven Tyler going for the anorexic Carly Simon look or is baboon chic the newest trend to emerge from Olympus fashion week?

Sly Stone
– the demon spawn of Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav.

Tom Hanks
– or Bono sans colored goggles? Hasn’t “DaVinci Code” wrapped yet? Can’t he get rid of his straightened blow out now?

Rita Wilson
– The only thing more useless than Rita Wilson at the Oscars—Rita Wilson at The Grammys.

Bruce Springsteen
– Instead of becoming an elderly woman this aging rocker has become Bob Dylan. His was one of the lone political comments of the night. What happened Kanye? Condolezza got your tongue?

Destiny’s Child
– in HAIR WARS. After 4 months they were finally reunited. Phew!

– Fighting Temptations, Goldmember, and now Pink Panther. Looks like someone is giving Madonna a run for her money in the Singer-turned-Actress Crapfest Film Festival. At least Mariah and Britney took heed and stopped.

Kelly Rowland
– Maybe it’s time she called the 3 girls that were fired from Destiny’s Child over the years and started a new band called Destiny’s Step-Childrens. I’m sure Latanya, Latavia and Farrah can get their shift at Red Lobster covered.

Michelle Williams
– Whitney is that you? Who needs Destiny’s Child when you get an Oscar nom for playing a white woman whose husband is on the down low in Brokeback Mountain! Say my name, say my name!

Jamie Foxx
– No I’m not playing. I swear it’s true. I saw Jamie Foxx at the Staples Center dressed like he was in a marching band. For reals! I’m not lying.
Fellow graduate of the Queen Latifah School of Going Ghetto for Music Awards but Serious for Film Awards. By the way, how was that TV special of yours that NBC did NO promotion for???

Sheryl Crow
– Since her breakup from Lance Armstrong, the only thing more depressed than Sheryl—her breasts/cleavage. Someone should design a rubber bracelet for that charity!

– Just like “Sex and the City” reruns, he doesn’t get old! He needs to teach a Learning Annex class to McCartney, Aerosmith, Rolling Stones et al about his secret.

Rolling Stones
– They weren’t there but let’s just talk about that Super Bowl half-time show. If CBS is going to censor anything from that performance it shouldn’t be lyrics. It’s alot easier to explain Janet Jackson’s exposed breast to a child than the sight of a sixty-something year old man in a half-shirt and hip huggers. Oy Gevalt!

Terence Howard
– Can he please stop?! When I opened my fridge this morning he was in there too! He presented one of the 457 Lifetime Achievement awards to opera singer Jessye Norman, but I swear it was Wesley Snipes in “To Wong Foo”!

Christina Aguilera
– She makes it look so easy. Veronica Lake meets Dick Tracey’s Breathless Mahoney with a touch of RuPaul thrown in because she just doesn’t know any better. It may have been the best she’s ever looked but why does she have to pile on all that drag makeup? Where’s Jessica Alba’s makeup artist when you need him! Less is more. Tonight she was all classy and demure singing a ballad, but wait till the VMAs when her new album drops and she’s dancing around bottomless in a vat of Crisco. Dirrrty!

Herbie Hancock
– 10 time Grammy Winner and you thought “Rock It’ was a one-hit wonder. Shame on you!

Lea Ann Womack
– the 5th Country soccer mom of the night.

Garth Brooks
– From superstar to post script in 5 years. Maybe it’s time to bring his alter ego Chris Gaines back out.

Trisha Yearwood
– The 6th Country soccer mom of the night.

Fiona Apple
– The return of crazy eyes! She looks like LeeLee Sobieski but PRETTY. Besides insanity and fighting with her label, the real reason why it took 6 years for her THIRD album to come out was due to naming her SECOND album: “When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight And He’ll Win The Whole Thing ‘Fore He Enters The Ring There’s No Body To Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right.” How do you like them Apples!

Queen Latifah
– The corset trend is officially OVER and the fat lady is singing!

Dave Grohl
– Proving you don’t lose any indie-cred by dressing up at award shows. Can someone please tell me where I can get the acoustic version of “Everlong”? Quite possibly one of the best songs ever!

Sally Kirkland
– and I thought she just haunted the Oscars every year. I didn’t know her reign of terror had jurisdiction over the music industry too. The next time any of you see her at Sav-On on LaCienega please proceed with caution.

Melissa Rivers
– Aren’t there laws against horses wearing zebra print?

Joan Rivers
– On that red carpet talking to random rappers and rockers she looked about as comfortable as Jennifer Aniston at the “Mr. + Mrs. Smith” premiere.


2006 SAG Awards – 1/30/05
By Johnny Lopez

With all the A-list stars at the SAGs, it’s weird that a bigger network doesn’t air these awards. Instead it’s relegated to the bowels of your cable guide on TNT and TBS. Who knew they were two separate networks anyway?

Anyways, with CRASH being the big upset over BROKEBACK it looks like racism trumps homophobia in the Guild’s eyes. Well, that and the fact that the CRASH cast consisted of a quarter of the Guild.

Until the Grammy’s on Feb 8th!

Johnny Lopez

Randy Quaid – His brother Dennis made the infamous ‘Dick Flicks’ comment at the Globes re: Randy’s film “Brokeback Mountain”. It wasn’t very funny but it was still funnier than anything in Dennis’ last film “Yours, Mine and Ours”. After that film and Flight of the Phoenix, The Alamo, The Day After Tomorrow and Cold Creek Manor, Dennis’s recent body of work can be re-christened as Shit Flicks!

S. Epatha Merkerson – Is it me or has she been nominated for “Lackawanna Blues” for like THREE YEARS NOW? Giving a shout out to her divorce lawyer made her speech the highlight of the night. Like C. Thomas Howell and CCH Pounder before her, having a unique initialized first name does not bode well for her fame factor.

James Denton – Looks like his lady is about to become a Desperate Housewife because it won’t be long before Jimmy ditches his mid-west wife for the likes of an Olsen Twin or a “Laguna Beach” whore. We want pre-nup! We want pre-nup.

Anne Hathaway – Hey Goth girl, Which way to the Marilyn Manson concert? Ileana Douglas should be NO ONE’s style icon. “Brokeback” has wrapped, no need to continue with Lurene’s hair and makeup artist. Repeat after me: fresh, subtle, and less is more.

Patricia Heaton – Attention Ms. Heaton: Please be sure to leave your SAG card at the door. You won’t be needing it anymore!

Ray Romano, Brad Garrett, Doris Roberts, Peter Boyle – Go Away. This is just cruel and unusual punishment. In the words of that wise, old sage Heidi Klum “Auf wiedersehen”.

Thandie Newton – “Beloved”. “Truth About Charlie.” “Chronicles of Riddick.” Someone’s career was headed for a CRASH alright! It’s ok Thandie, you can eat. We won’t tell anyone. I christen thee ‘The Lovely Bones” of this award show.

Sandra Bullock – I know I’ve been slacking in reading PAGE SIX everyday lately, but did I miss something? Was that a maternity dress? Is she pregs?

Eva Longoria – I don’t know who is tinier, her or Dakota Fanning? Props for reviving the ancient tradition of doing arrivals with your LOVER, tabloids covers be damned! How creepy was seeing her sitting on Marcia’s lap?? DEMENTED Housewives.

Tony Parker – Eva’s boyfriend- I bet when they have sex it’s like trying to fit a circle into a square. If you know what I’m saying. One hot couple.

The Desperate Houswives – STOP! We’re on to your ruse ladies. Sitting on laps, wearing matching dresses, hugging at arrivals and holding hands on stage. We get it! You guys really, really, really do get along. PLEASE! You gals aren’t THAT great actresses. Are you girls sure you want the tabloid stories to stop? Be careful what you wish for you just might get it.

Sean Hayes – A surprise win. As much as the show has lost its luster, it will be sad to see “Will+Grace” end in May. On another note, did you all know that National Coming Out Day is October 11th?

Sandra Oh – She looked great—for her! Dress by Dr. Seuss. Ellen Pompeo’s Public Enemy #1. She seems like someone that would be fun to split a pitcher of beer with and just laugh.

Ted Danson – When did he become Max Headroom? And does anyone know if CBS has cancelled “Becker” yet? If so, please let CBS know.

Felicity Huffman – She won Best Actress in a Comedy series. The only problem is that I don’t think nominees Boston Legal, Everybody Loves Raymond and Desperate Housewives are really comedies!

Terence Howard – some say sexy. I say creepy. If he held up a Colt 45 I swear I was watching a Billy Dee Williams commercial circa 1979.

Michelle Rodriguez – The only person envious of Lindsay Lohan’s driving record. Her rap sheet is longer than her IMDB credits. That being said, last night was the best she’s ever looked. Ever! Oh and by the way National Coming Out Day is October 11th.

Rachel Weisz – If she wins the Oscar then she’ll make The Mummy 3. Isn’t it an Academy rule that every Oscar-winning actress follows her win with an action film?

William Shatner – VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club’s talent booker’s wet dream.

James Spader – Needs to stop hanging out with Shatner unless he wants to start shopping at Rochester Big and Tall.

Patricia Arquette – In just 10 years she went from young and fresh in “True Romance” to old and haggard in “Medium”. Too bad she couldn’t see those visions.

Marg Helgenberger – She’s gained a few ounces so she looks healthier. Even though her husband is the President of the Screen Actors Guild, it’s all the botox in her frozen face that won’t let her SAG! Dakota Fanning has more wrinkles.

Christopher Meloni – Where do you sign up to see his Special Victim’s Unit?

Jeremy Piven and Ellen Pompeo – presenting together because he stole the show from his lead co-star and her show was stolen by her supporting co-star. Don’t worry Ellen, you can still control your body weight.

Dakota Fanning – Only a few more years until she enters puberty and her silver screen reign of terror comes to a screeching halt. Haley Joel will be waiting. Also, does anyone know if Kitson carries her size or if Koi has a tween night?

Shirley Temple Black – Before Dakota, Drew even Britney there was Shirley. How creepy/twisted were some of those early clips of baby Shirley dressed as 30s actresses like Mae West? Makes you wonder what the Good Ship Lollipop really was??? The original JON BENET.

Jamie Lee Curtis – Where’s her TRANSAMERICA award? She stumbled on stage because she tripped on her PENIS! Salt-n-pepper hair on George Clooney = hot. Salt-n-pepper on Jamie—not so much.

Catherine Keener – Love her. Part of the ‘amazingly talented, completely underrated Over 40’ actresses along with Patty Clarkson and Hope Davis. But why is she divorcing a hottie like Dermot Mulroney??

Philip Seymour Hoffman – He won for Capote and was previously nominated for “Flawless.” The Screen Actors Guild’s new motto is: Play a fag, get a SAG!

Russell Crowe – No he wasn’t there. But I need a second source. Can someone double check that it was in fact Russell in “Cinderella Man” and not Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman?

Paul Giamatti –He is the Upper West Side personified.

In Memoriam – Wow! Not a good year for media icons. I thought Tara Reid’s career was the biggest casualty of 2005. I didn’t realize Gilligan, Miss Ellie, Maxwell Smart, Tony the Tiger, the Jolly Green Giant, The Riddler, Mr. Miyagi and Mrs. Robinson all died last year. Is that why they forgot about Chris Penn?

Robin Wright Penn – Girl has the worst luck. Gets nominated and 3 days before the ceremony her brother-in-law dies. Well at least Sean didn’t have to attend another award show. Although I hear he may host the Iraqi Emmys.

David Strathairn – He’s great in “Good Night and Good Luck” but too bad he can’t live his life in black and white because there are more lines on his face than in a Kate Moss video.

Benjamin Bratt – After a few years in remission he returned to looking cute. I guess Julia’s hex has slowly worn off. Now can we work on a better title for his show “E-Ring”? Is it a military series or a contraceptive device?

Amy Adams – Stop what you are doing and go rent ‘Junebug”. You won’t be disappointed.

Angela Bassett – How Stella Got Her YOUTH Back. And she’s still got her “What’s Love Got To Do With It” arms. Black really don’t crack!

Paul Newman – He won and was suppose to give a speech via satellite but unfortunately there were technical difficulties hooking up his sarcophagus.

Heath Ledger – Heath Nasty! OK he just lost all of my support. Introducing “Brokeback” by laughing, with his arm on his hip and making a light of the whole situation is insulting. Thanks for bringing us all back to the school yard where 2 men in love and kissing is funny and a big joke. Thanks for “reminding” the country that gay’s main purpose are for entertainment and making things pretty and are not to be taken seriously. Strangely enough Heath, I have no problem quitting you. GO PHILIP!

Jake Gyllenhaal – Guilty by association. Granted he looked hot in his classic tux, big bowtie, puppy dog eyes and coiffed hair and scruff but that doesn’t get him off the hook. He went along with it. Just proves that whether on or off screen he’ll always be Heath’s bitch! Riddle me this kids: whose date was hotter his or George Clooney’s!

Michelle Williams – She needs to reprimand her baby daddy’s behavior. Attention Nicole, Renee, Charlize, Gwyneth, Uma and the rest of the A-list blondes: A Star is Born! Kate Hudson is shaking in her Uggs.

Reese Witherspoon – She spent the last 2 weeks designing and sewing her own dress just to avoid another Golden Globes/Kirsten Dunst fiasco. But unfortunately it shows. Is she really going to win the Oscar for this role? I mean I loved her in it but Oscar?? If you say so.

Ryan Phillippe – For once he doesn’t go home empty handed. Maybe it’s too early to cast him in The Chad Lowe Story just yet. Would you be a doll and get me Stuart Townsend’s reps on the phone?

Hilary Swank – Were they serving lobster inside the Shrine Auditorium? Because I think she got her dinner napkin stuck on the front of her dress! Add this to the rest of her fashion LOWEs.

CRASH – I think they should have called it “Co-Inky-Dinks!” Sorry but I think it was too contrived for my tastes. But I actually really liked Sandy Buttocks in it, but maybe it was because this was the first movie where she trips AND actually gets hurt. For Your Consideration.

Allison Janey – Love her Reese/“Walk the Line” brunette do.

Candice Bergen – Does she own 100 of these outfits or does she just wear the same one to every award show. Someone needs to stop shopping at Chico’s and Talbot’s because these shirt/skirt onesy ensembles need to stop.

Charlize Theron – When Ponytails Attack! Somewhere Madonna and Jean-Paul Gautier are laughing. Regardless she’s got a gorgeous face, fantastic body, hot boyfriend and a stellar career (minus one acid Aeon-Flux). Barring infertility, once she has a baby she will officially have it all. What’s that you say? The fact that she may have killed her father and had her mom take the blame. Oh that little thing. We won’t bring that up. Shhh and go back to oogling.

Doug Savant – I never thought we’d ever see the gay guy on “Melrose Place” again. Maybe there’s hope for the other Vanessa Williams. Remember her? She was the black girl on Melrose Place, who was best friends with the gay guy on Melrose Place before they both got written out.

Laura Leighton – I never thought I’d see Sydney from “Melrose Place” again, especially at an award show other than the Daytime Emmys.

Marcia Cross – Prior to “Housewives” I never thought I’d see crazy Kimberly from “Melrose Place” again.

Nicollette Sheridan – loved the hair down. A trend is born. It took 10 years and an adam’s apple off. Nicollette Sheridan hunting season is officially over. She’s sleeping with Michael Bolton isn’t that punishment enough.

Michael Bolton – Since Nics is taking him to all these TV award shows maybe he’ll start taking her to some music award shows. If so I hope her publicist can get them Grammy tix.

Geena Davis – Her stylist should be impeached! Getting from her neck to her cleavage requires the services of AIR FORCE ONE. I think she hid an acceptance speech in the bodice of her dress just in case. A hot mess.

Kate Walsh from Grey’s Anatomy – or was it Felicity Huffman’s character in TRANSAMERICA. Somebody oughta check her grey’s anatomy!

Katherine Heigl –also from Grey’s Anatomy – Last I heard she was still on the red carpet posing for photographers.

Linda Cardelini – the third girl in “Brokeback Mtn” – Her hair needs a trip to the “ER.” Did she think she was going to Country Music Awards? Not even Velma would approve of this look.

Matt Dillon – The verdict isn’t out yet on the blue shirt but the face gets a 10!

Patrick Dempsey – He’s totally hot but his mane is bordering on becoming the male version of Texas pageant hair. Put the Aqua Net down.

Portia di Rossi – She looks great. I wonder what she’s been eating these days…

Ellen DeGeneres.

Taryn Manning (Hustle and Flow, 8 Mile) – The Jamie Pressly of the big screen. Taryn sleeps with more rappers on screen than Vivica Fox does in real life.

Jamie Pressly – Iguana face. She says “My Name Is Earl” is her favorite job in the biz so far. Wow! Really Jamie, better than even Joe Dirt, Torque or Tomcats? Are you sure?

Teri Hatcher – She’s just waiting for Felicity’s Oscar ride to be over so she can go back to being the Queen of Wisteria Lane. She should be nominated for her work at all these red carpet events; it’s some of her best work.

Joaquin Phoenix – He survived a car crash last week only to surface as last night’s train wreck. And I thought “The Village” was the worst thing he was in.

“LOST”cast– Without Matthew Fox and Evangeline Lilly up there they might as well put random NYC subway riders on the stage. It’s not like we’d know the difference.

Commercial Actors segment – Forget Reese, Philip or Desperate Housewives. The real winners last night were the 5 or so commercial actors picked to be in the segment. Keep your eye out to see which of them turn up on “LOST” next season. Next stop Grand Central Station.


Day One

Blah Blah Blah