The 2012 Oscars

Things learned watching the 2012 Academy Awards:

  1.  Who knew Meryl Streep winning an award could be so shocking?
  2. Thanks to Jennifer Coolidge, my new fave word is ELEVATOR FACES.
  3. Ryan Seacrest is a pro at getting a man’s mess off his tux … just sayin’.
  4. Add “hairstylist” to the things Gabourey Sidibe desperately needs.
  5. The best part of the show was … Angelina’s leg – literally.
  6. Oh, how the mighty have fallen… when Oprah gets an award but isn’t even allowed to speak!
  7. Esperanza Spalding should sing at every IN MEMORIAM segment. What a wonderful… performance.
  8. Sandra Bullock speaking German only makes Jesse James’ Nazi photos seem that much more bizarre.
  9. Viola Davis should have given the wig she didn’t wear to Kelly Osbourne or Cameron Diaz!
  10. Ironically, watching Billy Crystal tell lame, tired jokes makes me want to hurl gay slurs.

It was the safe Oscars; from safe dresses, to safe host and even safer jokes. But what do you expect when even the best film of the year barely utters a word? I can only imagine what the Oscars will look like if Santorum is elected. Lawd have mercy.

So for your consideration… the Oscar recap.

–Johnny Lopez

Billy Crystal – An opening that included kissing Clooney, and cameos by Justin Bieber and Tom Cruise. Any gayer and he would have had to lip synch for his life!

Jennifer Lopez – Thank God for her nipple for distracting me from that hoochie mama dress. It was the perfect Oscar gown… for Jwoww. Just because the Oscars are held at a mall doesn’t mean you should get your dress at Forever 21. Her Vanity Fair party dress was a million times better.

Cameron Diaz – Her “There’s Something About Mary” hair would have been better.

Hugo — is the new Adele.

Sandra Bullock – Ich bin ein Botoxer!

Foreign Film winner – The director of “A Separation” used a translator at the Independent Spirit Awards for his entire acceptance speech, but one day later spoke English (albeit accented) at the Oscars. And I thought M.I.A. was desperate to hold on to her indie cred.

Christian Bale – Relinquishing his title of the Caped Crusader to Gwyneth Paltrow.

Gwyneth Paltrow – I’m sure her Tom Ford cape thing is fashion forward and regal and blah blah, but to me it looked like she repurposed Celine Dion’s infamous backward white tuxedo from the ’99 Oscars … and for that I thank her.

Octavia Spencer – Now that she has an Oscar, I can’t wait for her to do a romcom with McConaghey or Channing Tatum.

Bradley Cooper – His mustache is not nearly as sexy as his beard… Zoe Saldana.

The Muppets – Who doesn’t love Kermit and Adrienne Maloof from Real Housewives?

“Undefeated” boys – brought to you by Diddy … and LOGO!

Cirque du Soleil – It was pretty cool, but made about as much sense as Lea Thompson’s appearance on the red carpet.

Emma Stone – Re-wearing Kidman’s red bow Oscar dress of 2007. Forget the whole Anne Hathaway debacle — Emma to host next year’s Oscars! Every time Lindsay takes a drink, snorts a line or enters a courthouse, Emma gets a movie role.

Melissa Leo – ‘Memba her?

Christopher Plummer – and Max Von Sydow are not the same person?! If you say so. But seriously, yay! Loved “Beginners.”

Jonah Hill – His career ain’t the only thing blowin’ up.

Glenn Close – From Albert Knobbs to ‘SAW’ mask drag.

Penelope Cruz – Gorgeous, yet a little boring. But that’s okay.

Owen Wilson – Is that his nose or Michael Fassbender in “Shame”?

Angelina Jolie’s right leg – I feel bad for her poor bastard left leg. Right now gay men from Chelsea to West Hollywood are hard at work on their Halloween costumes. But seriously, if she were anymore desperate for attention she would have gotten arrested trying to get inside the Governors Ball. And what’s with the Angierexia Nervosa?

The Descendants screenwriter winner – Mocked Angelina’s leg on stage and subsequently started a new Internet meme, Jolieing. Now hurry up and squat a pose because it’s already OVAH!

George Clooney – he’s dating a former wrestler. Just think about that for a second. Okrrr.

Stacy Keibler – She’s like someone who just won “American Idol,” you are really happy for her, but you know it’s only a matter of time before she gets dropped from her contract and winds up working at a county fair.

Shailene Woodley – (daughter in The Descendants) – wearing the latest from the Pope Benedict XVI collection.

Reese Witherspoon – Now everyone under 30 knows what “Overboard” is – you know that ‘80s movie starring Kate Hudson’s parents.

Milla Jovovich – For a second I thought “Resident Evil” was nominated for something. Phew. Gotta love hosting those Sci-Tech Awards.

Bridemaids chicks – Love. Love. Love them. Wish Kristen had won. But seriously, can one designer step up and make a tasteful, well-fitted gown for the plus-size ladies? Melissa McCarthy deserves better.

Snooki – The real winner of live-action short for “The Shore.”

Jean Dujardin – He’s not the new Roberto Benigni… because he’s hot.

Sheila E/Pharrell – The consolation prize for only nominating two songs and not allowing them to be performed.

Colin Firth – He and Michelle Williams co-starred in the 1997 film, “A Thousand Acres.” In case you were wondering what he was talking about.

Michelle Williams – Gets prettier and prettier. I’d love to see her and Katie run into each other at the Vanity Fair party. Awkward.

Meryl Streep – Still shocked. I love that every year everyone is like “She deserves it,” and “It’s her turn” — like she’s Christopher Plummer with no Oscars. Um, she had two already. Of all the years and all the performances and all the actresses she was up against, she wins this year. Interesting.

Viola Davis – You is kind. You is smart. You was robbed! Meryl won for “The Iron Lady,” but Viola lost because of the white lady! Someone’s gonna be serving up some of Miss Minny’s pie alright. It really sucks, but I guess if you have to lose to anyone …

Tom Cruise – The real life Benjamin Button. How many arranged marriages, E-meters and silent births does it take to look that good?! Maybe it’s Maybelline.