1. A living diagram of Lil’ Kim’s immaculate features through the years.
2. The Real Housewives of The Island of Dr. Moreau.
3. Stranded migrants from the douchiest VIP room in Ibiza.
4. The jury at the 2017 AVN Awards at the Heidi Fleiss Resort & Casino in Parhump, Nevada.
5. Despicable people.
6. Survivors of a post-apocalyptic nuclear assault at Forever 21.
7. The official cast photo of cancelled E! Canada series Levonia Jenkins’ Drag Race.
8. The Zika virus.
9. Marvel superheroes which exist solely in Rihanna music videos.
10. The Kardashians on a Thursday afternoon in February.
#SaveNorthWest
Apparently, I’m not the only one who had issues with the film, as Mediabistro and World of Wonder gave my SAG recap a Little Sunshine of their very own.
L.RON HUBBARD LOVES YOUR AFTER-BIRTH!
Brooke Shields emerged victorious today in the latest round in the Cruise-Shields Hollywood death match. Brooke gave birth to daughter, Grier Hammond, just hours before Tom Cruise’s opposite-sex lover, Katie Holmes, spawned her own baby thetan, Suri.
Last year Brooke and Tom showed no ‘Endless Love’ for each other when they traded barbs in the media over Shields’ use of psychiatric drugs after the birth of her first child. As the baby hype begins to settle, here’s hoping fans of both stars avoid any post-partum depression of their own.
BASIC INSTINCT 2
Tackier than “Glitter” but not as horrendously gorgeous as “Showgirls”, “Basic Instinct 2”, now set in England, still delivers more bloody camp than an ax wielding Jason.
Where “Basic Instinct” was a fun ride, the sequel is an out of control laugh riot. But fear not you purists, every over-the-top moment you enjoyed about the original has been re-done, re-worked and re-engineered into the sequel, much like Sharon Stone herself. Interrogation scene. Check. Car chase. Check. Techno club scene. Check. Ambiguous lesbian relationship. Check. In fact the only thing you won’t see again are Sharon’s vadge and Michael Douglas’ ass. Maybe God does work in mysterious ways. The ice pick is back too, but just for a cameo. Sadly it could have been put to better use to chip away a facial expression on Miss Sharon’s botox riddled STONE face!
Featuring classic lines like: “Even Oedipus didn’t see his mother coming” and approximately 77 references to making Sharon’s character Catherine Tramell come, the BI2 screenplay has more in common with Mad Libs than anything WGA registered. So regardless what Rob Schneider and “The Benchwarmers” say, run, don’t walk (because it won’t be in theaters much longer) to see the real # 1 comedy in America, “Basic Instinct 2”.
P.S. Note to Charlotte Rampling: FIRE YOUR AGENT!
“Senator, when you took your oath of office, you
placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the
Constitution. You didn’t place your hand on the
Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible.”
-Jamie Raskin,Law Professor at American University,
testifying Wednesday, March 1, 2006 before the
Maryland Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee in
response to a question from Republican Senator Nancy
Jacobs about whether marriage discrimination against
gay people is required by “God’s Law.”
Hell hath no fury like an Oscar nomination scorned! Annie Proulx gets Jack Nasty on the Academy, CRASH and Scientology. LOVE IT!
The new FX series Black.White. chronicles what happens when a white and black family switch races through the magic of Hollywood hair and makeup. The white family appears somewhat passable as black. The black family on the other hand looks about as believable as Tyra Banks did in the fat suit. What I want to know is who are these people in Los Angeles interacting with the newly white family and not calling them out on their ridiculous get ups. We can put a man on the moon but we still can’t make a realistic looking wig?!
If you always wondered what the world would have looked like if Michael Jackson and Macauly Culkin had been able to procreate then tune in to FX Wednesdays at 10pm.
As you can tell from the recap, I was upset that CRASH hijacked the Best Picture Oscar from BROKEBACK. While there is no question that gay men live and love in Wyoming, I found CRASH full of coincidences that in the end made the film completely unrealistic.
Anyone who believes that a white cop in present day Los Angeles would ever pick up a black teen hitchhiker for truly altruistic reasons probably also believes Eddie Murphy was just helping out his fellow MAN when he picked up pre-op transsexual prostitute Shalomar (aka Atisone Kenneth Seiuli) on Santa Monica Boulevard at 4am in 1997. Wait a minute. I think I just came across the best idea ever for a combined sequel (with bits of TransAmerica and Pretty Woman thrown in for good measure) BROKEBACK CRASH 2: THE EDDIE MURPHY STORY.
I think RuPaul’s Oscar dreams are slowly being realized.
2006 Grammys – 2/9/05
by Johnny Lopez
Stevie Wonder – The only person allowed to wear sunglasses inside of ANY award show. Ever. I’m talking to you Kanye, Bono and Jack Nicholson.
Kelly Clarkson – She’s the female Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Great American Success Story of the 21st Century. From CONTEST WINNER to top of the charts to Grammy Winner. My fellow Americans, I give you the future first female
Justin Guarini – No, he wasn’t there. But he’s doing well. I just saw Guarini in first class on my flight to NY—WORKING!
Nicole Kidman – I wasn’t aware that Cyborg Replicants could enjoy music. She’s the only thing less human than the Gorillaz.
Coldplay – Tonight the music of U2 will be played by Coldplay. I hear Chris Martin has unsafe sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. It may just be a rumor though, Lady Gwyneth wouldn’t do such things.
John Legend – He’s like Alicia Keys but with Grammys. No, that’s not right. Ok, he’s the masculine Alicia Keys. Let me try that again. Alright, he’s a female-loving Alicia Keys. Shoot. Uh…how ‘bout he plays the piano just like Alicia Keys. Ok, I think that works.
Sugarland – The technical difficulties and the one-minute length performance confirms that Country artists are the redheaded albino bastard children of the
Alison Krauss – The second Country soccer mom of the night.
Keith Urban – His hair makes him look more like Keith SUB-Urban soccer mom #3. The biggest lie of the last 3 years isn’t about Weapons of Mass Destruction but that men think they can pull off highlights and a flatiron and still maintain any sort of dignity.
U2– Old men in leather can mean only one of 2 things: Fetish night at The Manhole or The Grammys! They win Album of the Year, among others, and thank their fellow nominees:
Bono – I know I have trouble finding sunglasses that look good on my face but this is ridiculous! Somebody needs to stop shopping in the Chem Lab section of Sunglass Hut. Anyone got a Bunsen Burner on them?
Larry Mullen Jr – He’s about as hot as Heather Graham’s TV career. Que paso?
Adam Clayton – Maybe he should have married Naomi Campbell when he had the chance.
The Edge –He is slowly emerging as the hot one in U2, by default.
Mary J. Blige – Her voice is a ONE and only. Nobody brings it like La Blige. That being said, Mary Mary, the Queen Victoria meets Julius Caesar hairdo has got to go. Corset #2 of the night, but this time it looked more like a saddle. Can her stylist stop the HATERATION!
David Bowie – Damn! His Lifetime achievement could have been called GONE in SIXTY SECONDS cuz that’s how long the Academy gave him. Expect to see a proper all-star tribute featuring the likes of The White Stripes, Martina McBride, NSYNC and DMX upon his DEATH.
Kanye West – The ego has landed. Everything from the gloves to the glasses to the attitude was completely over the top. By the way Kanye, Destiny Child’s
Gwen Stefani + Gavin Rossdale – I give you the Ryan and Reese of music. Hold Gwen’s purse Gavin, that’s your JOB. Sadly the only music you’ll ever hear coming from Bush again will be the cries from Gwen’s. The most minimalist she’s ever looked. What did she do with the kitchen sink?
Paul McCartney – Nana is that you? What is it about aging rock stars that turns them into elderly women? Case in Point: McCartney, Manilow (who has the #1 album in the country this week), Steven Tyler and Rod Stewart.
Jennifer Love Hewitt – lost amongst the
Black Eyed PLEASE – With band members named will.i.am, Fergie, Taboo and apl.de.ap, Black Eyed PLEASE, Don’t Phunk with my NERVES!
Fergie – Trannie BROWS. I heard her speak on the green carpet and there was no trace of her faux-Puerto Rican accent. No No No No Don’t Lie! Almost unrecognizable without an exposed vagina.
Will.i.am – The
Ellen DeGeneres – the second most powerful lesbian in the audience—next to Paul McCartney.
Mariah Carey – The comeback hits a bump in the road. 3 out of 8 Grammy wins (of which none were televised) and loses the opening performance slot to NON-nominee Madonna. She better just ‘Shake it off’. The performance was a snore. A choir does not an interesting performance make. I wanted her to rip the bottom of her dress, reveal one of her trademark hoochie frocks and gives us an up-tempo number. Instead we got some of her classic signature octave exercises, Rapunzel hair and the de rigueur Tourette’s-of-the-hand fluttering. If it’s any consolation they started playing “We Belong Together” after U2 won for Song of the Year. Oops!
Teri Hatcher – Desperate CRACKHEAD. If you haven’t seen Teri’s exchange with Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet then track it down. COKED OUT OF HER MIND at 4pm Pacific Time. She was doing her best Janice Dickinson impersonation. The only thing worse than a gown and an exposed tattoo–exposed underwear. Talk about Trashy lingerie. It was SHEER terror!
Michael Buble – He didn’t win a Grammy or get to perform, but he presented with Hatcher so I’m betting he at least got a hand job.
Bonnie Raitt – Looked non-pulsed by Kelly Clarkson’s shout out. Presenting with James Taylor they were the grannies of The Grammys.
Jenna Elfman – The Return—for now. Scientology forces you to marry gay men and give up your free will but on the plus side her sitcom “Courting Alex” is a hit. Oh look, I think I see Heather Graham entering the Scientology Celebrity Centre as we speak.
Faith Hill – more like Faith over-the-Hill. What happened to glamorous, Versace clad Y2K Faith? Behold the fourth Country soccer mom of the night.
Joss Stone – Towering 3 feet above everyone on the red carpet, she was like one of the talking trees in Lord of the Rings—except a little hairier. No one bought her sophomore album but everyone wants her to perform with them–barefoot. Sorry
Fantasia – It’s Daffy Duck in a “Skating with the Celebrities” ensemble. Settle down girl, you won the competition already, you don’t have to try so hard.
Devon
Adam Levine (Maroon 5) – 98 Degrees + Jessica Simpson + Maroon 5 = Herpes Simplex 1, 2 and 3.
Ciara – I have one thing to say, sashay shante, shante, shante, shante! GORGE! Why has she been hiding under all those bad weaves and hair colors? With the help of one Mariah whore dress she put the hermaphrodite rumors to rest and let us all see her ‘Goodies’.
Steven Tyler and Joe Perry –aka IN MEMORIAM personified. Are they from Aerosmith or The Pirates of the
Sly Stone – the demon spawn of Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav.
Tom Hanks – or Bono sans colored goggles? Hasn’t “DaVinci Code” wrapped yet? Can’t he get rid of his straightened blow out now?
Rita Wilson – The only thing more useless than Rita Wilson at the Oscars—Rita Wilson at The Grammys.
Bruce Springsteen – Instead of becoming an elderly woman this aging rocker has become Bob Dylan. His was one of the lone political comments of the night. What happened Kanye? Condolezza got your tongue?
Destiny’s Child – in HAIR WARS. After 4 months they were finally reunited. Phew!
Beyonce – Fighting Temptations, Goldmember, and now Pink Panther. Looks like someone is giving Madonna a run for her money in the Singer-turned-Actress Crapfest Film Festival. At least Mariah and Britney took heed and stopped.
Kelly Rowland – Maybe it’s time she called the 3 girls that were fired from Destiny’s Child over the years and started a new band called Destiny’s Step-Childrens. I’m sure Latanya, Latavia and Farrah can get their shift at Red Lobster covered.
Michelle Williams – Whitney is that you? Who needs Destiny’s Child when you get an Oscar nom for playing a white woman whose husband is on the down low in
Jamie Foxx – No I’m not playing. I swear it’s true. I saw Jamie Foxx at the
Sheryl Crow – Since her breakup from Lance Armstrong, the only thing more depressed than Sheryl—her breasts/cleavage. Someone should design a rubber bracelet for that charity!
Sting – Just like “Sex and the City” reruns, he doesn’t get old! He needs to teach a Learning Annex class to McCartney, Aerosmith, Rolling Stones et al about his secret.
Rolling Stones – They weren’t there but let’s just talk about that Super Bowl half-time show. If CBS is going to censor anything from that performance it shouldn’t be lyrics. It’s alot easier to explain Janet Jackson’s exposed breast to a child than the sight of a sixty-something year old man in a half-shirt and hip huggers. Oy Gevalt!
Terence Howard – Can he please stop?! When I opened my fridge this morning he was in there too! He presented one of the 457 Lifetime Achievement awards to opera singer Jessye Norman, but I swear it was Wesley Snipes in “To Wong Foo”!
Christina Aguilera – She makes it look so easy.
Herbie Hancock – 10 time Grammy Winner and you thought “Rock It’ was a one-hit wonder. Shame on you!
Lea Ann Womack – the 5th Country soccer mom of the night.
Garth Brooks – From superstar to post script in 5 years. Maybe it’s time to bring his alter ego Chris Gaines back out.
Trisha Yearwood – The 6th Country soccer mom of the night.
Fiona Apple – The return of crazy eyes! She looks like LeeLee Sobieski but PRETTY. Besides insanity and fighting with her label, the real reason why it took 6 years for her THIRD album to come out was due to naming her SECOND album: “When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight And He’ll Win The Whole Thing ‘Fore He Enters The Ring There’s No Body To Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right.” How do you like them Apples!
Queen Latifah – The corset trend is officially OVER and the fat lady is singing!
Dave Grohl – Proving you don’t lose any indie-cred by dressing up at award shows. Can someone please tell me where I can get the acoustic version of “Everlong”? Quite possibly one of the best songs ever!
Sally Kirkland – and I thought she just haunted the Oscars every year. I didn’t know her reign of terror had jurisdiction over the music industry too. The next time any of you see her at Sav-On on LaCienega please proceed with caution.
Melissa Rivers – Aren’t there laws against horses wearing zebra print?
Joan Rivers – On that red carpet talking to random rappers and rockers she looked about as comfortable as Jennifer Aniston at the “Mr. + Mrs. Smith” premiere.
Namaste!