March | 2019 | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

Now that Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman have been exposed, indicted and charged in The Great College Admissions Scam of 2019, the big question is who will play them on screen.

In a perfect world Aunt Becky and Lynette Scavo would play themselves ala Joan & Melissa Rivers in the 1994 NBC TV Movie Tears & Laughter: The Joan & Melissa Rivers Story, but the chances of that happening in 2019 are next to impossible.

The right actresses must not only look the part and be of similar age, but also deliver the needs of the production in terms of talent, star power and believability.

Here are my casting choices should the project land on the big screen, HBO and Lifetime.

If the amazing caper were to be turned into a big budget film for theaters, the casting would require A-list talent that could portray Hollywood versions of girls next door gone bad.

COMING TO THEATERS THIS CHRISTMAS … SANDRA BULLOCK & JENNIFER ANISTON in:


Rated R.  Under 17 requires accompanying parent or $500k.

If producers wanted to go in depth with a seven-part limited series on premium cable, then the roles would necessitate well-respected character actresses with multiple Academy Award nominations each.

HBO PRESENTS … MARISA TOMEI & LAURA DERN in:

Marisa Tomei & Laura Dern
The truth set them free … at a cost.

But if the story is rushed into production for a quick turnaround to air on basic cable, then the roles could be filled by anyone with even a sliver of a resemblance and the ability to keep a straight face while chewing up cheesy dialogue.

LIFETIME MOVIE EVENT OF THE WEEK… CHARISMA CARPENTER & CELINE DION in:

Charisma Carpenter, Celine Dion
Sometimes being a good mom is a crime.

Who do you think should play Lori & Felicity?

Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman

 

ICYMI: RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE SEASON 11 PREMIERE – CELEB REALNESS

 

The premiere of a new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race always leaves my head spinning.

So many kweens, so many names, so many attempts at being memorable!

Especially after Miss Vanjie‘s (Welcome back!!!) now-legendary turn flaunting all them cookies in just one episode last year, every girl came into season 11 with a bible of catchphrases, one-liners and shtick. I’m talking to you Silky Nutmeg Ganache!

Silky was my fave kween …for the first five minutes of the episode. But by the commercial break, her thirsty AF antics left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Gurl, breathe & simma down. Nobody ever wants that much dessert, evah. TRUST!

And finally, there’s our eliminated queen Soju. While pulling off another Vanjie-style star-making coup after sashaying away in the first episode is nearly impossible, bequeathing the world with her unforgettable “taint cyst” is quite the valiant effort. Annyeonghi gaseyo, Miss Soju. Miss Soju.  MISS …SO JU!

Now while I go change my last name to Davenport, check out the celebrity dopplegänger realness from episode 1.

 

MISS VANJIE – LA TOYA JACKSON

The children love Miss Vanjie so much you’d think we were at Neverland. #TooSoon

BROOKE LYNN HYTES – PINK

Brooke Lynn is starting on such a high that we may be seeing some aerial gynmastics soon.

NINA WEST – HEAT MISER

It’s the year without a Santa Claus for Nina. She’s too much!

SILKY NUTMEG GANACHE – OPRAH

No standing O for Silky’s thirsty behavior, but we are gonna need a sitdown interview.

SUGA CAIN – MEGHAN McCAIN

By the looks of it, Suga’s dreams won’t be aborted anytime soon.

YVIE ODDLY – SLICK WOODS

I’ve only got one thing to say: You betta werk, Supermodel!

A’KERIA C. DAVENPORT – LIL’ KIM

Something tells me A’keria can make a Sprite can disappear in her mouth.

ARIEL VERSACE – PEG BUNDY

Every big haired gurl from Jersey wants to be married with children, okrrrrr.

SCARLET ENVY – TAMMIE BROWN

Proof that being Pearl‘s daughter is not the weirdest thing about Scarlet.

PLASTIQUE TIARA – JESSICA ALBA

We need to be honest about Plastique’s chances.

HONEY DAVENPORT – KENYA MOORE

This New York queen is gone with the wind fabulous, hunty!

RA’JAH O’HARA – RUTH POINTER (SISTERS)

I’m so excited to see what Ra’jah can do this season, sis.

MERCEDES IMAN DIAMOND – J.LO

Don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got, she’s still early ’90s Jenny from the block.

KAHANNA MONTRESE – EVE

Kahanna’s skills are the talk, so I’m hoping Ru will let her blow ya mind.

SOJU – BETTE MIDLER

The power of Drag Race means a cyst on your taint can still lead to outrageous fortune.

Who are you rooting for? So far, it’s still all about Vanjie for me.

 

ICYMI: RPDR ALL-STARS 4 PREMIERE – CELEB LOOKALIKES

 

The sudden death of Luke Perry from a massive stroke at the age of 52 today has been devastating.

It’s been a rough day in the 90046 for me, and for boys and girls of a certain age that grew up crushing on Dylan McKay.

Ever since Beverly Hills 90210 premiered on October 4, 1990 – the day after my 19th birthday – I was hooked.  An adult show about teenagers was a rare commodity in those early days before Dawson, before Felicity, even before the Salinger 5.

Dylan McKay was also my first crush when I finally began to realize (yet not fully accept) I was gay. Sure I liked others before, but never like this.

From the get-go you were either Team Dylan or Team Brandon (Jason Priestly).  And for me there was no contest. I was a skinny closeted recovering New Waver easily drawn to the sexy brooding loner with the pompadour, to say nothing of the jeans, the motorcycle & THE SIDEBURNS.

I grew out mine and watched 90210 every week. Back then it wasn’t cool to like a teen show in college, but me and a few close girlfriends would gather every Thursday night (it moved to Wednesdays in Season 3) to indulge in our secret obsession.

To this day, Sophie B. Hawkins‘ “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” always brings back memories of the summer Dylan cheated on Brenda with Kelly …and how we all wanted to be Kelly.

Years later, when Dylan left the series for two seasons, so did I.

And while I crushed on Dylan, I was equally taken with Luke.

He was why I went to see Buffy the Vampire Slayer in theaters, rented 8 Seconds the day it came out and still have the shirtless July 1992 Vanity Fair shot by Annie Leibovitz. So hot!

My crush on Luke is why I was genuinely happy to see his career renaissance as ‘the dad’ on Riverdale. While at the same time, horrified at the realization that I too could be the father of an extremely goodlooking twentysomething teen. Yikes! How did that happen?!

And that’s the thing, Luke was just five years older than me.  The man that gave this closeted teen life is now another reminder of his mortality. 

I didn’t know Luke and never met him, but he always seemed like one of the good guys.

I read that Luke died surrounded by his two children, fiancée, ex-wife, mother, siblings and other friends & family.  He was so loved, but we all knew that.

Luke Perry & Dylan McKay are gone, but neither will ever be forgotten.