Things learned watching the 80^th Academy Awards:

1. With attendees like Patrick Dempsey, Katherine Heigl and the cast of “Dancing with the Stars,” (thanks ABC) the Oscars have officially become the new Emmys.

2. If you are an attending A-lister and are not nominated don’t dare do the red carpet. Nicole, Hanks and Denzel won’t be mingling next to the likes of The Rock, Gary Busey and Miley Cyrus!

3. It’s harder for a woman to become president than get a directing nomination.

4. Just because you win an Oscar for Best Makeup – doesn’t mean you can do your own. Someone get that poor lady some new lashes – or an unlazy eye!

5. Red is officially over. How pissed would you be had you showed up in a red gown?!

6. Tilda Swinton is simultaneously insane, scary and weird – but still secretly fabulous.

7. If you want to make the Oscars seem even more superficial and frivolous – have U.S. soldiers fighting in Iraq present an award via satellite to a room full of people in Harry Winston jewels and couture gowns.

8. Regis Philbin is the male Joan Rivers. For comedic effect, every red carpet should have a resident geriatric chatting up teen stars, foreigners and the elderly.

9. Cancel the Vanity Fair party and the A-listers stay home.

Where are the movie stars??! The red carpet was seriously lacking the usual cluster-fuck of high wattage A-listers that the Oscars are known for. With no Julia, Brad, Angelina, J.Lo, Uma, Drew, Kate, Matthew, Jake, CZJ, Will, Reese, Ryan, Keanu, Sandra, Hugh, Halle, Charlize, Gwyneth, Salma etc… we were left to yawn over Felicity and the guys in “Knocked Up.” For the love of Xenu, I would have even settled for a Katie Holmes sighting.

This year’s nominees had the excitement level of a dentist’s appointment and the outfits were no exception. Where’s Cher, Bjork and Sally Kirkland when you need them. All I can say is thank God for Tilda Swinton!

For your consideration … my Oscar recap.

-Johnny Lopez

Jennifer Garner – After surviving the Gary ‘alcohol’ aBusey incident, she looked nothing like she usually does – she looked amazing — dare I say hot. Has she hired J.Lo’s hair and makeup peeps?

Ben Affleck – Your wife almost gets raped on the red carpet and your brother is nominated but you chose to spend it on Jimmy Kimmel pimping out your not-as-funny rebuttal to “I’m Fucking Matt Damon.” I hate to admit it, but “Gone Baby Gone” makes me think he may have actually written “Good Will Hunting” after all. There is life after “Gigli”!

Jon Stewart – Letting the Irish singer from “Once” come back out to speak was just about the coolest thing anyone has ever done at the Oscars.

George Clooney – There are no words. Perfection. Better than Cary Grant, even. I wasn’t aware that he was “dating” Nikki Cox! Next to Maddox, Zahara and Pax Jolie-Pitt, Sarah Larson is the luckiest person in the world. Now she just needs to stop wearing bathroom wallpaper.

Anne Hathaway – The first red dress to hit the Kodak stage. Can she be any whiter?

Katherine Heigl – Red dress part deux. A winner for getting to go to the Oscars, but a loser for having to follow Anne’s red dress. I know she’s like the new heir to the Meg Ryan/Sandra Bullock romantic comedy throne but to me she’s more like Sarah Michelle Gellar – a television actress.

Amy Adams – How did the star of a movie with three Best Song noms get to perform the number with absolutely no production values and a bad Talbots dress?! Kristin Chenoweth better watch her back!

Kimora Lee Simmons – When did she become Imelda Marcos?

Heidi Klum – Disney Princess chic.

The Rock – Wrestlers at the Oscars? I can’t wait until next year when Joanie Chyna Doll Laurer presents Best Picture! Yeah, I know he’s been in films, but it’s the Oscars. You should have to be in at least one good one.

Cate Blanchett – I’m gonna be nice to the pregnant lady – but her stylist wasn’t.

Johnny Depp – The most normal tux he’s ever worn. What gives?

Vanessa Paradis – I thought Marion Cotillard played Edith Piaf? Don’t let her fool you, underneath those blood red lips are black gums!

Jennifer Hudson – Not as bad as last year’s NASA bolero jacket, but can someone please remove the infant in swaddling clothes from the top of her dress. You know how you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, Jen should listen to that rule – always!

Javier Bardem – Can someone please tell Javi that, yes, I will accept his marriage proposal? His speech to his mom sealed it! No straight man brings his mom to the Oscars and dates Penelope Cruz. It’s not humanly possible.

Keri Russell – Dear Sally, I don’t know how it happened, but I’m at the Oscars! Gonna look for Ben and Noel. Talk soon, Felicity!

Owen Wilson – Admit it, you were trying to catch a glimpse of his wrists.

Tilda Swinton – Eric Stoltz looks so different. By fall everyone will be wearing one-arm goth muumuus. Seriously, I don’t think ABS is rushing to knock-off her Lanvin shift. She’s such a strange bird, but I love it. Only she can pull off a “Wall St.” Charlie Sheen hairdo. Sorry Renee!

Ruby Dee – She is gonna cut the other sleeve of Tilda’s gown for stealing her Oscar!

Saoirse Ronan (annoying girl from “Atonement”) – This year’s recipient of the Keisha Castle-Hughes Memorial Award for Tween Nominees Who Will Fade Away into Obscurity

Jessica Alba – “Fantastic Four,” “Honey,” “Into the Blue,” “Good Luck Chuck,” “The Eye,” “Awake.” Yeah, it makes total sense that she should present at the Academy Awards.

Miley Cyrus – In yet another little red mess. She should have gone as Hannah Montana — at least then she would have looked more like a teenager. Like Lindsay and Hillary Duff before her, how does Disney turn all these middle-aged teenagers into stars?!

The Uma/Oprah Memorial Joke Failure Award goes to the guys from “Knocked Up” for that endless Halle Berry/ Judi Dench tirade.

Wesley Snipes – That purple suit is perfect, if your job is holding Diddy’s umbrella.

Ellen Page – What was with the Kathy Bates dress? Doesn’t American Apparel sell hipster dresses for slightly butchy gals? Even Jodie Foster knows how to rock a gown and heels. Juno should have aborted this look.

Marion Cotillard – Gorgeous. Yet another pretty Oscar winner. Her Oscar win assures her at least one Matthew McConaughey romantic “comedy.” Somewhere in a Paris café, Audrey Tatou is drunk and digging pins into a doll in her likeness.

Colin Farrell – A tan – and rehab – does a body good. Lawd have mercy. He looks great. He so fucked Marion Cotillard last night!

Jack Nicholson – He’s 70 years-old, so unless he has cataracts, please take the shades off. He so fucked Marion Cotillard last night.

Renee Zellweger – She and Philip Seymour Hoffman have the same hairstylist.

Nicole Kidman – Is she no longer pregnant?!Say what you will about the Porcelain Queen but everyone copies Nic’s style. She was the only one in red last year. And after she wore chandelier earrings a few years back, everyone started to. Next year, everyone will be sporting blinged out barbed wired around their necks. Trust.

The old guy who got the honorary Oscar that Nicole helped onto the stage – the lone person older than Harrison Ford – I think. I swear he just thanked Adam & Eve!

Penelope Cruz – following Nicole Kidman on the stage – nice touch. How the hell did Penny escape from Tom? She’s no Scientoloca. The woman may just be the Messiah!

Patrick Dempsey – There’s good hair and then there’s …

John Travolta – He gets what’s left of his hair styled by Krylon. Only your hair auditor will know the difference.

Kelly Preston – Despite zero roles, being married to John makes her the hardest working actress in Hollywood. Have they let son Jett out of the attic yet?

Faye Dunaway – The crazy ol’ bat is gonna pimp out her hot son until somebody puts him in a movie.

Jane Russell – Gentlemen Prefer Grays. Older actresses should not be forced to emulate Dorothy Zbornak.

Cameron Diaz – The highest paid actress in Hollywood – but you wouldn’t know it from her fresh from hiking in Runyon Canyon hair.

Hilary Swank – Two Oscars and she gets to intro the death reel? Lady Seabiscuit just can’t get no love.

Tom Hanks – Two Oscars and he gets to intro the awkward soldiers in Iraq segment? His Royal Hankness can’t get no love.

Soldiers in Iraq – Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell but you just awarded an Oscar to a documentary about gay marriage.

Harrison Ford – If the 65-year-old is still allowed to play Indiana Jones, then Diane Keaton should play Wonder Woman.

Calista Flockhart – She was at the Oscars, but her hair was at UCLA studying for finals. She is slowly botoxing herself into Mary Tyler Moore.

Diablo Cody – The whole stripper turned blogger turner screenwriter PR spin is getting on my last indie nerve. Honest to blog! The patron saint of every American Apparel emo girl from Williamsburg to Echo Park.

Helen Mirren – The only thing more impressive than her body of work – her body! She’s SIXTY TWO and looks amazing. Don’t be fooled America. If you use Botox, Restylane or Silicone, the only person you are kidding is yourself! Just look at Joan Van Ark, Jackie Stallone, Carrot Top, Wayne Newton …

Daniel Day Lewis – Nothing says amazing actor – like a pair of hoop earrings! Looks like he’s been drinking RuPaul’s milkshake.

Rebecca Miller (Daniel’s wife) – There will be blood –for dressing like a 19^th century saloon waitress.

The Coen Brothers – it’s the guys from “Knocked Up” in 30 years – and 30 less pounds.

Denzel Washington – I love that he showed up to the Kodak, presented Best Picture and was home in probably 30 minutes — which is about the most anyone should have to endure of the Oscars.

Scott Rudin –Thanking his partner in his speech for winning Best Picture – No country for homophobic men – unless you’re closeted client is an A-list actor.

Things I learned from watching the 79th Annual Academy Awards:

1. The 2007 Academy Awards shall go down as the Lesbian Oscars. From Ellen & Melissa to Jodie & Latifah, the ladies who love ladies were out, well sorta, in full force. Let the red carpet munching begin!

2. The Academy thinks the home audience loves vignettes and montages. There were so many dreadfully long ones last night, that I dozed off and saw my life flash ever-so edited before my eyes, and set to a Ennio Morricone soundtrack.

3. Because of that amazing dance troop, somewhere Debbie Allen is slicing her wrists and paying for all her previous Oscar telecast interpretive dances… in sweat.

4. My heart goes out to my East Coast brethren, because staying up until 1 AM to watch the show’s bitter end is a feat in itself. But to everyone who complains that the Oscars are long and boring, I ask: It’s the SEVENTY-NINTH annual edition, have you ever watched them before? Because I can’t remember the last time they were under three hours or edited a la Michael Bay.

5. Academy voters listened to my SAG recap plea and didn’t bestow anymore undue praise on ‘the little movie that blew,’ “Little Miss Sunshine.” Hallelujah! I’m so SuperFreakin’ happy!

Like a good editor, I’m just gonna cut to the chase. Here is my recap of the 2007 Academy Awards. Please forward any comments or complaints to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. You can also check out the recap on my blog at www.johnnylopez.com.

Check out all the Oscar pics at www.wireimage.com/Oscars.

As always, email me if you want to be added to the distribution list.

Anyways, I’m out.

Ciao!

Johnny

Ellen DeGeneres – Brava! See, lesbians can be funny! And I can’t believe she uttered the word “gay!” If only she would dare say it on her talk show every now and then.

Portia di Rossi – The hottest lesbian in Hollywood since, um, since, er, um, er… Ladies and gentleman, the hottest lesbian in Hollywood.

Nicole Kidman – She was there to present, so she came dressed as a present! Ho!Ho!Ho! Did she learn nothing from Charlize’s bowrrific ensemble last year? Actually, her red pipe cleaner dress grew on me as the night went on. It looked much better on stage than against the red carpet. And isn’t this what we want at the Oscars? Kudos to Kidman for adding a little drama to an otherwise tepid red carpet.

Daniel Craig – You can have your Oscar. I want a DANIEL! Sumptuous!

Maggie Gyllenhaal – What is it about Mags, that everything she wears, no matter how glamorous, comes off looking like a second hand flea market find. I know she embodies that whole Lower East Side emo-hipster-I-wear-granny-dresses look, but c’mon it’s the Oscars! What the hell was in her hair? If only she had a gay brother to give her styling tips! At least Peter Sarsgaard cleaned up well.

Will Ferrell & Jack Black – In “We want to host the Oscars next year.” Write this down: For once I actually thought Jack Black was funny. Could these two finally be winning over the gay audience? If so, please destroy any remnants of Tenacious D. Following the Grammy trend, I see Will is also getting his hairstyling advice from Rhea Pearlman.

Abigail Breslin & Jaden Smith – Hyde Class of 2017. Will & Jada should spend less time putting Jaden in films and more time teaching him to read! Now that Abigail didn’t win her Oscar, how long before she’s in the maternity ward next to Keisha Castle-Hughes?

James McAvoy – It’s not hard to look cute when your most famous role is playing a man-goat in “Narnia.”

Jessica Biel – She really needs to stop with the lat pulldowns. She’s surpassing Madonna-arms and heading into Carrot Top-sized muscle proportions. That being said, her crossover from TV land to the film world has been “7 th Heaven.” (Sorry Sarah Michelle and Jennifer Love.) Was not a fan of the Barney-dress or the frizzy schoolteacher do either. To say nothing of the matchy-matchy magenta lipstick!

Rachel Weisz – Good but not very memorable. Like her career.

Alan Arkin – The tranny that Eddie Murphy picked up on Santa Monica Blvd. in ’97 wound up dead a few months later. That’s all I’m saying.

Eddie Murphy – Honey, his best acting role was getting the world to forget he loves trannies! At least he can take comfort in knowing he’ll be able to hit the sale rack at Chicos for “Norbit 2.” Tracey Edmunds is the biggest beard since ZZ Top.

Mark Wahlberg – Let me tell ya, when I think about Marky Mark, I get such a ‘good vibration!’ Ewww Weeee! That boy is fine.

Jackie Earle Haley – He’ll now have a very long career in loads of films… about Nosferatu!

Randy Newman/James Taylor performance – America sets the Guinness Book World Record for synchronized bathroom-going.

Melissa Etheridge – Drag King. Who woulda thunk you’d ever see Tammy Lynn Michaels at the Oscars?? Actually, after “Popular” was cancelled, who ever thought you’d hear from her, period? There’s hope for all of us. And that’s right peeps, Tammy is Melissa’s WIFE. Not girlfriend. Not lover. Not partner. WIFE! Get used to it, haters!

Leonardo DiCaprio – Like a fine George Clooney, he gets better with age.

Al Gore – Who cares about the White House when you get to go to the Vanity Fair party?! Poor Tipper, she still thinks she’s going to a political fundraiser. All that money and the best she can do is a Bill Blass gown. Bill Blass??? Is it 1981?? Now that’s an inconvenient truth!

Cameron Diaz – Loved the tan and brown hair. The dress came compliments of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.

Ben Affleck – The Academy was like, “You can come, but Garner can’t. Tell her the Emmys are in Sept.” Oscar winner for ALLEGEDLY writing a screenplay.

Emily Blunt – Fabulous! And you know I’m not a fan of the glitterati dress trend!

Anne Hathaway – The Devil Wears Prada, not Rorschach inkblots! She is in need of some serious retail therapy. Poor thing couldn’t get it right, if her life depended on it. And it does.

Meryl Streep – Look what Mama Meryl dusted off from the back of her closet! Styling by Mrs. Roper. I hear she was outsourced to read palms and tarot cards at the Vanity Fair party. Was she not allowed to keep her “Prada” outfits?? Note to Meryl: Next time, leave the St. Maarten beachside jewels on the cruise ship. Still, no one gives FACE like Meryl. Hysterical.

Milena Canonero – Winner of Best Costume Design for Marie Antoinette – Or was it Frau Farbissina from “Austin Powers?”

Tom Cruise – You know your career is in trubs when, despite reaching Operating Thetan Level 7, the Oscar audience welcomes your entrance as if Isaiah Washington were entering the GLAAD Awards. Time to re-up that Dianetics subscription, Tommy boy.

Sherry Lansing – Ladies and Gentlemen, the lost Gilmore Girl. The best she’s ever looked.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair! Her next role: “Splash 2: Mermaids on the Red Carpet.” And then there’s mauve. MAUVE!

Naomi Watts – She was so close. Old Hollywood glamour meets… Charlie Brown! Wah wah wahhhhhh!

Catherine Denueve and Ken Watanabe – in “Babel.” Whose bright idea was it to put these two together? Last time I checked, Brits and Aussies were foreigners too. Translator, please! Can someone explain her gown to me? Was she preparing to compete in a bullfight? And was that Ken Watanabe’s wife or the Kodak Theater’s resident nail technician? How about we compromise and get her a Vera Wang gown?

Cate Blanchett – Stunning. An ugly-pretty girl never looked so good. Sorry Sarah Jessica.

Clive Owen – It’s a steadfast Oscar rule that the only people allowed to wear tuxedos without ties are lesbians and Diane Keaton. Wait, that’s redundant.

George Clooney – I feel so bad for the consummate bachelor, because if George were handsome, talented and rich, he’d have no trouble finding a girlfriend. Someday he’ll meet the ideal partner.

Jennifer Hudson – Jennifer Hudson has landed… from the moon. Andre Leon Talley is a sick prankster for putting her in that Miss Piggy “Pigs in Space” Reynolds Wrap bolero jacket. Can you say “ghetto unfabulous?” And please stop fidgeting with the car keys in your pocket! There’s no denying she has an amazing voice, but now, she, like Catherine Zeta-Jones, just needs to win an Oscar for acting.

Rinko Kikuchi – Holy harajuku girl! Spectacular! Loved everything about her look, except her black gums.

Adriana Barraza – Tia is that you??? Wait a second, isn’t she on “The George Lopez Show?” So cute! She was the best thing in “Babel.”

Eva Green – Double, double, toil and trouble! Someone was making videotape dubs, because what was Samara from “The Ring” doing at the Oscars? Or was it the bastard love child of June Carter Cash and Dayanna Torres? Regardless, on a scale of 1 to 10, she gets a point 007. Bad. Really bad.

Gael Garcia Bernal – Formerly cute. Que paso?

Clint Eastwood – Unlike Nicholson, Eastwood has to wear his sunglasses indoors because of cataracts. You know you’re old when people think you are robbing the cradle for marrying a pre-menopausal woman. Do you think Clint really knows Italian, or was he just winging the translation of Ennio Morricone’s acceptance speech?

Celine Dion – Resurfaces after being holed up for four years in Vegas. While her career-ending Caesars Palace cheesefest is drawing to a close, that can only mean she is preparing to unleash a new album of mid-90s adult contemporary pop-schlock on us. Regardless of what some people said, I think her green arrivals dress looked good… for her! Glad to see Papa Smurf, er, I mean her husband is alive and well.

Penelope Cruz – Golden goddess. The only true OSCAR DRESS of the night. A dress appropriate for nothing but the Oscars! I’m sorry, but when you are nominated for an ACADEMY AWARD you want your gown to be glamorous AND dramatic. This ain’t the “Meet the Fockers” premiere the Mann Westwood. I had no idea she & Will Smith shared ears!

Kirsten Dunst – Sporting one of her old “Interview with a Vampire” outfits. I hope she channeled Marie Antoinette and had her hair, makeup and wardrobe stylists beheaded for this revolting ensemble.

Tobey Maguire – Is he trying to look like Ed Grimley from SNL?? Nerdy chic is one thing, but there ain’t nothin’ cute about looking like a creepy postal worker. And I’m sorry, his girlfriend Jennifer Meyer may be a movie mogul’s daughter, but to me she looks like every girl in Murray Hill who works in publishing and lunches in Bryant Park. I hope there was a Jitney to the Vanity Fair party. Scratch that. She looks like Alexis Arquette.

Jennifer Lopez – Ay mija, que hiciste??? I just expect more from J.Lo. She still has the best makeup in the biz, but the hair was a little marmish and the dress made her look preggers. Hey if you can’t be it, dress the part, right? Also props to Marc Anthony’s stylist, cuz I could barely see the IV hooked into his arm.

“Dreamgirls” performance – Just like a defibrillator, Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce and ‘the third Dreamgirl’ revived the telecast just in the nick of time. Singing next to J.Hud, you know Beyonce was like, “Don’t I look skinny!” Yes, B you iz skinny and you sho’ can sing, but you ain’t nevah gonna get an Oscar. Not even a singing one!

John Travolta – presenting with Latifah — I couldn’t figure out who had the bigger weave! Britney’s blonde bob would have looked “realer” than his burlap bird’s nest.

Queen Latifah – The Lesbian Oscars continue. A blonde bombshell in sequined retread Goodyear radials.

Kate Winslet – In my book, Kate Winslet can do no wrong even though mint green on a red carpet is about as flattering as an exposed tattoo and a gown!

Jodie Foster – The lesbian Oscars roll on. Melissa brings Tammy Lynn and Ellen showoffs Portia, but poor Cydney Bernard can’t see the light of day for revealing to absolutely no one’s surprise that Jodie is gay. Thank god there is an endless amount of single-moms-in-peril films in development. Flight Plan 7, Panic Room 12.

In Memorian – The only omission stranger than Anna Nicole’s – Peter O’Toole’s. And where was Winona Ryder? She’s been dead for years. At least professionally anyway.

Helen Mirren – Can do no wrong. Now that she has her Oscar, stay tuned for a romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey. The patron saint of aging gracefully. The real reason she carried her purse to the podium: Winona Ryder was spotted in the building. Working!

Reese Witherspoon – The best Ben Stiller’s wife has ever looked! GORGEOUS. Although, I did think the hair was too casual for the Oscars. Like she was going to AREA with LC and Kristin Cavallari instead of the Vanity Fair party. Attention Britney, this is how a young, blonde mother of two gets divorced. Although, I bet she went home last night with Ryan….GOSLING!

Ryan Gosling – I wish he’d give me a Half-Nelson! So hot. Did he break up with Rachel McAdams or was she at home trying to wash those awful pink streaks from her hair?

Peter O’Toole – The Departed. Nurse!

Forest Whitaker – Many think he doesn’t deserve it, asking how he managed to pull off such a feat? No, not the Oscar win, but landing such a smokin’ hot wife??? Rumors are that the Travolta-Prestons are putting the full court Xenu-pressure to get the big guy to turn into Scientologista. RUN FOREST RUN!

Philip Seymour Hoffman – The lesbian Oscars keep on truckin’. Hey everyone, it’s Cynthia Nixon’s ‘husbian’ life-partner. She looks fantastic!

Diane Keaton – The lesbian Oscars are almost over, and hell has officially frozen over, because Diane Keaton actually looked good! I almost didn’t recognize her. No gloves! No men’s suit! No oversized belt! And most importantly, no Charlie Chaplin hat! To top it all off, she was drunk. I now have new love for Didi.

Sally Kirkland – Sally and her amazing techincolor dreamcoat! It’s not The Oscars until Sally arrives on the red carpet … at NOON!

Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse – Judge Reinhold at Oscar arrivals. Wha, wha, WHAAAAT?!

Lisa Ling – Repurposing Demi Moore’s infamous Oscar bike-shorts debacle. She must be so happy she left “The View” to cover hard-hitting news stories!

Joan Rivers – I love the TV Guide channel for allowing a 19th century silicone cyborg with Alzheimer’s to interview celebs dressed in a bloodied chinchilla fur. It doesn’t get better than Joanie!

Andre Leon Talley – Don’t adjust your televisions b/c that was not Whoopi in drag.
Vogue’s ALT was truly the biggest Queen of the night.

Madonna – FLAWLESS. Check out the pics of her at the Vanity Fair party. Pushing 50 never looked so good. What’s her beauty secret, you ask? Why, daily applications of hypo-allergenic Malawian souls, of course.

THE END