Things I learned from watching the 79th Annual Academy Awards:
1. The 2007 Academy Awards shall go down as the Lesbian Oscars. From Ellen & Melissa to Jodie & Latifah, the ladies who love ladies were out, well sorta, in full force. Let the red carpet munching begin!
2. The Academy thinks the home audience loves vignettes and montages. There were so many dreadfully long ones last night, that I dozed off and saw my life flash ever-so edited before my eyes, and set to a Ennio Morricone soundtrack.
3. Because of that amazing dance troop, somewhere Debbie Allen is slicing her wrists and paying for all her previous Oscar telecast interpretive dances… in sweat.
4. My heart goes out to my East Coast brethren, because staying up until 1 AM to watch the show’s bitter end is a feat in itself. But to everyone who complains that the Oscars are long and boring, I ask: It’s the SEVENTY-NINTH annual edition, have you ever watched them before? Because I can’t remember the last time they were under three hours or edited a la Michael Bay.
5. Academy voters listened to my SAG recap plea and didn’t bestow anymore undue praise on ‘the little movie that blew,’ “Little Miss Sunshine.” Hallelujah! I’m so SuperFreakin’ happy!
Like a good editor, I’m just gonna cut to the chase. Here is my recap of the 2007 Academy Awards. Please forward any comments or complaints to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also check out the recap on my blog at www.johnnylopez.com.
Check out all the Oscar pics at www.wireimage.com/Oscars.
As always, email me if you want to be added to the distribution list.
Anyways, I’m out.
Ellen DeGeneres – Brava! See, lesbians can be funny! And I can’t believe she uttered the word “gay!” If only she would dare say it on her talk show every now and then.
Portia di Rossi – The hottest lesbian in Hollywood since, um, since, er, um, er… Ladies and gentleman, the hottest lesbian in Hollywood.
Nicole Kidman – She was there to present, so she came dressed as a present! Ho!Ho!Ho! Did she learn nothing from Charlize’s bowrrific ensemble last year? Actually, her red pipe cleaner dress grew on me as the night went on. It looked much better on stage than against the red carpet. And isn’t this what we want at the Oscars? Kudos to Kidman for adding a little drama to an otherwise tepid red carpet.
Daniel Craig – You can have your Oscar. I want a DANIEL! Sumptuous!
Maggie Gyllenhaal – What is it about Mags, that everything she wears, no matter how glamorous, comes off looking like a second hand flea market find. I know she embodies that whole Lower East Side emo-hipster-I-wear-granny-dresses look, but c’mon it’s the Oscars! What the hell was in her hair? If only she had a gay brother to give her styling tips! At least Peter Sarsgaard cleaned up well.
Will Ferrell & Jack Black – In “We want to host the Oscars next year.” Write this down: For once I actually thought Jack Black was funny. Could these two finally be winning over the gay audience? If so, please destroy any remnants of Tenacious D. Following the Grammy trend, I see Will is also getting his hairstyling advice from Rhea Pearlman.
Abigail Breslin & Jaden Smith – Hyde Class of 2017. Will & Jada should spend less time putting Jaden in films and more time teaching him to read! Now that Abigail didn’t win her Oscar, how long before she’s in the maternity ward next to Keisha Castle-Hughes?
James McAvoy – It’s not hard to look cute when your most famous role is playing a man-goat in “Narnia.”
Jessica Biel – She really needs to stop with the lat pulldowns. She’s surpassing Madonna-arms and heading into Carrot Top-sized muscle proportions. That being said, her crossover from TV land to the film world has been “7 th Heaven.” (Sorry Sarah Michelle and Jennifer Love.) Was not a fan of the Barney-dress or the frizzy schoolteacher do either. To say nothing of the matchy-matchy magenta lipstick!
Rachel Weisz – Good but not very memorable. Like her career.
Alan Arkin – The tranny that Eddie Murphy picked up on Santa Monica Blvd. in ’97 wound up dead a few months later. That’s all I’m saying.
Eddie Murphy – Honey, his best acting role was getting the world to forget he loves trannies! At least he can take comfort in knowing he’ll be able to hit the sale rack at Chicos for “Norbit 2.” Tracey Edmunds is the biggest beard since ZZ Top.
Mark Wahlberg – Let me tell ya, when I think about Marky Mark, I get such a ‘good vibration!’ Ewww Weeee! That boy is fine.
Jackie Earle Haley – He’ll now have a very long career in loads of films… about Nosferatu!
Randy Newman/James Taylor performance – America sets the Guinness Book World Record for synchronized bathroom-going.
Melissa Etheridge – Drag King. Who woulda thunk you’d ever see Tammy Lynn Michaels at the Oscars?? Actually, after “Popular” was cancelled, who ever thought you’d hear from her, period? There’s hope for all of us. And that’s right peeps, Tammy is Melissa’s WIFE. Not girlfriend. Not lover. Not partner. WIFE! Get used to it, haters!
Leonardo DiCaprio – Like a fine George Clooney, he gets better with age.
Al Gore – Who cares about the White House when you get to go to the Vanity Fair party?! Poor Tipper, she still thinks she’s going to a political fundraiser. All that money and the best she can do is a Bill Blass gown. Bill Blass??? Is it 1981?? Now that’s an inconvenient truth!
Cameron Diaz – Loved the tan and brown hair. The dress came compliments of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Ben Affleck – The Academy was like, “You can come, but Garner can’t. Tell her the Emmys are in Sept.” Oscar winner for ALLEGEDLY writing a screenplay.
Emily Blunt – Fabulous! And you know I’m not a fan of the glitterati dress trend!
Anne Hathaway – The Devil Wears Prada, not Rorschach inkblots! She is in need of some serious retail therapy. Poor thing couldn’t get it right, if her life depended on it. And it does.
Meryl Streep – Look what Mama Meryl dusted off from the back of her closet! Styling by Mrs. Roper. I hear she was outsourced to read palms and tarot cards at the Vanity Fair party. Was she not allowed to keep her “Prada” outfits?? Note to Meryl: Next time, leave the St. Maarten beachside jewels on the cruise ship. Still, no one gives FACE like Meryl. Hysterical.
Milena Canonero – Winner of Best Costume Design for Marie Antoinette – Or was it Frau Farbissina from “Austin Powers?”
Tom Cruise – You know your career is in trubs when, despite reaching Operating Thetan Level 7, the Oscar audience welcomes your entrance as if Isaiah Washington were entering the GLAAD Awards. Time to re-up that Dianetics subscription, Tommy boy.
Sherry Lansing – Ladies and Gentlemen, the lost Gilmore Girl. The best she’s ever looked.
Gwyneth Paltrow – Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair! Her next role: “Splash 2: Mermaids on the Red Carpet.” And then there’s mauve. MAUVE!
Naomi Watts – She was so close. Old Hollywood glamour meets… Charlie Brown! Wah wah wahhhhhh!
Catherine Denueve and Ken Watanabe – in “Babel.” Whose bright idea was it to put these two together? Last time I checked, Brits and Aussies were foreigners too. Translator, please! Can someone explain her gown to me? Was she preparing to compete in a bullfight? And was that Ken Watanabe’s wife or the Kodak Theater’s resident nail technician? How about we compromise and get her a Vera Wang gown?
Cate Blanchett – Stunning. An ugly-pretty girl never looked so good. Sorry Sarah Jessica.
Clive Owen – It’s a steadfast Oscar rule that the only people allowed to wear tuxedos without ties are lesbians and Diane Keaton. Wait, that’s redundant.
George Clooney – I feel so bad for the consummate bachelor, because if George were handsome, talented and rich, he’d have no trouble finding a girlfriend. Someday he’ll meet the ideal partner.
Jennifer Hudson – Jennifer Hudson has landed… from the moon. Andre Leon Talley is a sick prankster for putting her in that Miss Piggy “Pigs in Space” Reynolds Wrap bolero jacket. Can you say “ghetto unfabulous?” And please stop fidgeting with the car keys in your pocket! There’s no denying she has an amazing voice, but now, she, like Catherine Zeta-Jones, just needs to win an Oscar for acting.
Rinko Kikuchi – Holy harajuku girl! Spectacular! Loved everything about her look, except her black gums.
Adriana Barraza – Tia is that you??? Wait a second, isn’t she on “The George Lopez Show?” So cute! She was the best thing in “Babel.”
Eva Green – Double, double, toil and trouble! Someone was making videotape dubs, because what was Samara from “The Ring” doing at the Oscars? Or was it the bastard love child of June Carter Cash and Dayanna Torres? Regardless, on a scale of 1 to 10, she gets a point 007. Bad. Really bad.
Gael Garcia Bernal – Formerly cute. Que paso?
Clint Eastwood – Unlike Nicholson, Eastwood has to wear his sunglasses indoors because of cataracts. You know you’re old when people think you are robbing the cradle for marrying a pre-menopausal woman. Do you think Clint really knows Italian, or was he just winging the translation of Ennio Morricone’s acceptance speech?
Celine Dion – Resurfaces after being holed up for four years in Vegas. While her career-ending Caesars Palace cheesefest is drawing to a close, that can only mean she is preparing to unleash a new album of mid-90s adult contemporary pop-schlock on us. Regardless of what some people said, I think her green arrivals dress looked good… for her! Glad to see Papa Smurf, er, I mean her husband is alive and well.
Penelope Cruz – Golden goddess. The only true OSCAR DRESS of the night. A dress appropriate for nothing but the Oscars! I’m sorry, but when you are nominated for an ACADEMY AWARD you want your gown to be glamorous AND dramatic. This ain’t the “Meet the Fockers” premiere the Mann Westwood. I had no idea she & Will Smith shared ears!
Kirsten Dunst – Sporting one of her old “Interview with a Vampire” outfits. I hope she channeled Marie Antoinette and had her hair, makeup and wardrobe stylists beheaded for this revolting ensemble.
Tobey Maguire – Is he trying to look like Ed Grimley from SNL?? Nerdy chic is one thing, but there ain’t nothin’ cute about looking like a creepy postal worker. And I’m sorry, his girlfriend Jennifer Meyer may be a movie mogul’s daughter, but to me she looks like every girl in Murray Hill who works in publishing and lunches in Bryant Park. I hope there was a Jitney to the Vanity Fair party. Scratch that. She looks like Alexis Arquette.
Jennifer Lopez – Ay mija, que hiciste??? I just expect more from J.Lo. She still has the best makeup in the biz, but the hair was a little marmish and the dress made her look preggers. Hey if you can’t be it, dress the part, right? Also props to Marc Anthony’s stylist, cuz I could barely see the IV hooked into his arm.
“Dreamgirls” performance – Just like a defibrillator, Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce and ‘the third Dreamgirl’ revived the telecast just in the nick of time. Singing next to J.Hud, you know Beyonce was like, “Don’t I look skinny!” Yes, B you iz skinny and you sho’ can sing, but you ain’t nevah gonna get an Oscar. Not even a singing one!
John Travolta – presenting with Latifah — I couldn’t figure out who had the bigger weave! Britney’s blonde bob would have looked “realer” than his burlap bird’s nest.
Queen Latifah – The Lesbian Oscars continue. A blonde bombshell in sequined retread Goodyear radials.
Kate Winslet – In my book, Kate Winslet can do no wrong even though mint green on a red carpet is about as flattering as an exposed tattoo and a gown!
Jodie Foster – The lesbian Oscars roll on. Melissa brings Tammy Lynn and Ellen showoffs Portia, but poor Cydney Bernard can’t see the light of day for revealing to absolutely no one’s surprise that Jodie is gay. Thank god there is an endless amount of single-moms-in-peril films in development. Flight Plan 7, Panic Room 12.
In Memorian – The only omission stranger than Anna Nicole’s – Peter O’Toole’s. And where was Winona Ryder? She’s been dead for years. At least professionally anyway.
Helen Mirren – Can do no wrong. Now that she has her Oscar, stay tuned for a romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey. The patron saint of aging gracefully. The real reason she carried her purse to the podium: Winona Ryder was spotted in the building. Working!
Reese Witherspoon – The best Ben Stiller’s wife has ever looked! GORGEOUS. Although, I did think the hair was too casual for the Oscars. Like she was going to AREA with LC and Kristin Cavallari instead of the Vanity Fair party. Attention Britney, this is how a young, blonde mother of two gets divorced. Although, I bet she went home last night with Ryan….GOSLING!
Ryan Gosling – I wish he’d give me a Half-Nelson! So hot. Did he break up with Rachel McAdams or was she at home trying to wash those awful pink streaks from her hair?
Peter O’Toole – The Departed. Nurse!
Forest Whitaker – Many think he doesn’t deserve it, asking how he managed to pull off such a feat? No, not the Oscar win, but landing such a smokin’ hot wife??? Rumors are that the Travolta-Prestons are putting the full court Xenu-pressure to get the big guy to turn into Scientologista. RUN FOREST RUN!
Philip Seymour Hoffman – The lesbian Oscars keep on truckin’. Hey everyone, it’s Cynthia Nixon’s ‘husbian’ life-partner. She looks fantastic!
Diane Keaton – The lesbian Oscars are almost over, and hell has officially frozen over, because Diane Keaton actually looked good! I almost didn’t recognize her. No gloves! No men’s suit! No oversized belt! And most importantly, no Charlie Chaplin hat! To top it all off, she was drunk. I now have new love for Didi.
Sally Kirkland – Sally and her amazing techincolor dreamcoat! It’s not The Oscars until Sally arrives on the red carpet … at NOON!
Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse – Judge Reinhold at Oscar arrivals. Wha, wha, WHAAAAT?!
Lisa Ling – Repurposing Demi Moore’s infamous Oscar bike-shorts debacle. She must be so happy she left “The View” to cover hard-hitting news stories!
Joan Rivers – I love the TV Guide channel for allowing a 19th century silicone cyborg with Alzheimer’s to interview celebs dressed in a bloodied chinchilla fur. It doesn’t get better than Joanie!
Andre Leon Talley – Don’t adjust your televisions b/c that was not Whoopi in drag.
Vogue’s ALT was truly the biggest Queen of the night.
Madonna – FLAWLESS. Check out the pics of her at the Vanity Fair party. Pushing 50 never looked so good. What’s her beauty secret, you ask? Why, daily applications of hypo-allergenic Malawian souls, of course.