Apparently, I’m not the only one who had issues with the film, as Mediabistro and World of Wonder gave my SAG recap a Little Sunshine of their very own.

Because the SAG Awards were so utterly uneventful and since my day job has been insanely busy, I am forgoing my usual recap format. Instead of my standard laundry list of thoughts, I am going to just give you my biggest gripe of the entire night. And no, it was not Ellen Pompeo’s Mrs. Roper Goes to Spanish Harlem outfit.

My friends, the worst ENSEMBLE by far was “Little Miss Sunshine” winning for Best Ensemble Cast! To quote SNL Weekend Update: REALLY?!?!

I know America and the Guild love a feel good Cinderella story, but can’t we let Macy Gray, er, I mean Jennifer Hudson fulfill that quota? Don’t even get me started on the Oscars, because I can’t believe it’s nominated for Best Picture over more deserving films like “Children of Men”, “United 93”, “The Good Shepherd” (which I thought was just ok) or even, bite my tongue, “Dreamgirls.”

As far as ensemble casts go, you mean to tell me Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin, Abigail Breslin, and the guy who played the son were, as a whole, better than the cast of “The Departed?” REALLY?!
Better than: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Anthony Anderson and Vera Farmiga. REALLY?!

If you are still professing your love for “the little movie that could” then please explain to me how in the hell you seriously bought:

1. Steve Carell’s character bumping into his ex at the rest stop on the highway. REALLY?! This isn’t an episode of “Friends” people!

2. That this family didn’t know what went on at kiddie beauty pageants. REALLY?! Did the local news in their part of Albuquerque not cover the whole Jon Benet Ramsey case? Even my relatives in Cuba know what goes on and they only have electricity on alternate Tuesdays!

3. That Toni Collette’s character would go to all this trouble to get her daughter to a beauty pageant, yet has no clue what her daughter’s routine is until she’s on stage? REALLY?!

4. That Steve Carell’s character would dash his nephew’s Air Force Academy dreams on the spot by telling him they don’t let in guys who are color blind. REALLY?! You mean you wouldn’t google the Academy rules first to be sure or at least wait until you get home.REALLY?! And since when are rebellious goth teens clamoring to get into the Armed Forces? Do they not make Dungeons & Dragons anymore?

5. The family driving around with Alan Arkin’s dead body in the van. REALLY?! Actually, I thought this was funny too…in “National Lampoon’s Vacation”!

Now, I can enjoy slapstick comedy as much as the next fool, but please don’t try to pass it off as a real or believable story. Cause it ain’t!

And finally, if the Academy really wants to honor a young, up-and-coming talent, then, with my apologies to Miss Breslin, look no further than “Half Nelson’s” Shareeka Epps. She, my friends, is truly a SUPERFREAKin’ great actress!

Well, enough talk about this drivel of a movie. On to the Grammys on February 11th. I hear Beyonce has already commissioned Barbaro’s remains for her weave.

Ciao!
-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

2007 Golden Globes – 1/16/07

by Johnny Lopez

Things I learned from the 2007 Golden Globe Awards:

1.The bowtie is dead. Long live the black regular tie.
2.Red, red lips make most women look clownish—at least on television.
3.Metallic dresses are great for walking the runways of the Westside Piers and the corner of Highland + Santa Monica Blvd.
4.As seen by the influx of white dresses, The Druids are controlling the Hollywood fashion biz.
5.Don’t let Warren Beatty speak.
6.People actually watch “Monk,” “House” and “The Closer.”

With the world of TV and film coming together at the Globes, it makes for a lengthy recap. (Sorry Greg!). Check out pics here: Wire Image

Send any comments or feedback to me at:

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Until the SAG Awards on Sunday, Jan. 28th.

-Johnny Lopez

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Apparently, the” Ghost Whisperer” couldn’t hear fashion advice as she opted for this brown quincenera dress. Felicidades!

Sienna Miller – Her Roman inspired gown left her looking like an ancient ruin. Didn’t Diane Krueger (remembah huh?) wear the same dress last year? Is “Factory Girl” ever coming out?

Patricia Arquette – Patricia may play a “Medium” –but she still needs an Extra Large.

Rosanna Arquette – Her black lacy funeral dress officially ushers in the death of her career. Yet again.

Gillian Anderson – Hopefully the truth is out there as to who styled Gillian Anderson’s scary outfit.

Jean Smart – Looking like a goth secretary boarding the Staten Island Ferry to her job at PriceWaterhouseCooper!

Jeremy Irons – Sporting the latest from Steven Seagal’s Last Samurai Collection.

Jay Manuel – (he co-hosted E!’s red carpet) – Leslie Uggams is that you? Channeling Lestat in his International Male catalog velvet blazer/pirate shirt atrocity. Hair by Brigitte Nielsen.

Geena Davis – Her satin aqua smock gave me the blues. What time does her La Cage Aux Folles performace start?

Rinko Kikuci (Babel) – Gwen finally let one of her Harajuko girls out on her own! Sadly, the pink faerie nightie was even more confusing than “Babel.”

Sharon Stone (w/sunglasses on) – Sharon wears her sunglasses at night and showcases her trademark brand of crazy to the world.

Beyonce – From Dreamgirl to Showgirls! She got her freak ‘um dress straight from the sale rack of House of Derriere! The gold metallic hoochie number seemed more appropriate for “Flava of Love” than the Globes. She should win an award solely for acting so moved during Hudson’s win. One good thing – only 36 horses had to die to make her weave! Luckily, neither Swank nor Melissa Rivers were involved.

Cameron Diaz – Cameron D’s froo-froo dress had so many bells and whistles, you could hear it coming a mile away. Run! Someone throw Celine’s backwards tux jacket on her, stat! Bring back the blonde Cameron we all know and (except for JT) love! Red lip victim.

Prince – Still sporting that Linda Dano weave I see. His yellow suit looked great — for the “Golden Girls!” The missing link between androgynous rockers and Boca Raton mah jongg players. Actually, I know his stylist, and you won’t find a nicer salesgirl in any Talbot’s!

Will Ferrell – I didn’t mind his 70s ‘fro. I just didn’t know he was dating All My Children’s male-to-female transsexual, Zarf.

George Clooney – Perfection.

Jennifer Hudson – Yes, we all love her. I mean, who doesn’t love a Cinderella story? But just remember, acting powerhouses like Pia Zadora and Madonna have both ‘won’ Golden Globes too! I just hope this doesn’t give Kelly Clarkson or Bo Bice any ideas!

Justin Timberlake – If I were JT I wouldn’t be so quick to mock Prince. Cross the Purple One and risk being banished off the face of the earth. Don’t believe me? Then explain the whereabouts of Vanity, Apollonia, Sheila E., Morris Day, Diamond & Pearl, and the entire Revolution!

Adrien Grenier – Proves a good shearing can do a boy some good.

Tina Fey – Great dress for a friend’s wedding, but not a red carpet event.

David Spade – The Rachel didn’t look good on Aniston, let alone on a pixie of a man. I’m talking to you too, Keith Urban.

Naomi Watts – She needs to flash her Britney bits or get a DUI if she wants to be more memorable. Hey Nomi, Kitson is just east of the Beverly Hills Hilton.

Renee Zellweger – 10 years since “Jerry Maguire,” and she still hasn’t removed the lemon wedge lodged inside her mouth! Will she ever be happy?

Jessica Biel – Looked so hot that I’ll almost forget the abomination that was “Home of the Brave.” Her body is the only thing harder than Sharon Stone’s forehead.

Emily Blunt – It was a big night for Ms. Blunt, especially when she got home and found Anne Hathaway waiting in her darkened living room… boiling a rabbit.

Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears BLAHda. I don’t expect her to wear cutting edge couture, but as the most talented American actress out there, and after starring in a film about fashion, can we at least get La Streep a flattering dress??? There’s nothing chic about looking like a teacher at Hogwarts.

Ben Stiller – A long, long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away I found Ben Stiller funny. It seems only appropriate that he is morphing into Ted Danson. Raise your hand if you ever saw an episode of “Becker?” If you paid money to see “A Night at the Museum” then the terrorists have already won.

Salma Hayek – Didn’t love the white dress but when you look like Salma not even a bad frock can make you look bad.

Eddie Murphy – The one person Eddie didn’t thank – Shalomar! Oh right, he/she died shortly after Murphy picked her up on Santa Monica Blvd in ’97. I can see why he may be confused, but someone needs to tell him to stop hitting on Hudson and Beyonce. They aren’t drag queens… I think.

Sarah Jessica Parker – In that gold metallic dress she looked like she was starring in “Paid Sex and the City.”

Helen Mirren – All hail the Queen and cue Montell Jordan cuz this is how we do it! Flawless. All the Beverly Hills-ensteins take note: Mirren is the REAL thing. Elderly cleavage never looked so good!

Jake Gyllenhaal – He really is a Dream, girl! One year later and he’s still playing a gay cowboy by riding in on his horse, Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank – Two Oscars and she goes and makes “Freedom Writers?” She’s just begging to star in a cable series.

Vanessa Williams – You’re on in five, Miss Ross! The hair! The fur! Diva! Crazy but I loved it. Valedictorian at Sharon Stone Beauty Academy.

Tim Allen – Apparently, Tim hasn’t watched TV since Home Improvement got cancelled, because Alec Baldwin is on “30 Rock” not “3 rd Rock,” as he erroneously mentioned.

Clint Eastwood – He’s come a long way since co-starring w/an orangutan in “Every Which Way But Loose.” See, there is hope for Matt LeBlanc! I hear Eastwood’s next film is semi-autobiographical and takes place during Clint’s teenage years in the Civil War. Not even Dirty Harry can look tough in a white bowtie.

Hugh Grant – Was Divine Brown backstage? Because he looked like he got it on with something right before he presented with Drew.

Drew Barrymore – Jennifer Lopez is that you? Gorgeous! Hot, tan and svelte. Complete redemption for her Green Saggy Boob Debacle of ’06.

John Stamos – A Greek god. The fact that he’s single makes me question Rebecca Romijn’s mental faculties.

America Ferrara – As Charlize and Kidman can attest, if you want to play ugly in Hollywood, then you better be pretty! “Ugly Betty” is the final nail in the “Desp Housewives” closet. Done.

Maria Menounos – Proves the only thing more awkward than being Rosie O’Donnell’s bikini waxer is interviewing celebs as they come offstage and asking them how they feel. How do you think they feel, Einstein?

Tom Hanks – Thank god he got rid of that “DaVinci” do, but did he have to give it to Clay Aiken? Where was Rita Wilson? Don’t tell me she was busy, because none of the nail salons in the Palisades stay open past 7pm.

Ken Watanabe – I know he’s Japanese, but did he have to bring his geisha with him? I mean, Trump brought his whore with him too, but at least he left his butler at home.

Warren Beatty – His acceptance speech was courtesy of BABBLE. It made Dick Clark seem like Barack Obama. To think Madonna was hitting that 17 years ago. That’s right, SEVENTEEN years ago!

Annette Bening – Drink Sue Ellen, Drink. Even when not up against Swank, she still can’t win. In that dress, she had everyone wondering what time the sack races started.

Steven Spielberg – Where was Kate Capshaw, you ask? See Rita Wilson.

Reese Witherspoon – Kellie Pickler, what have you done with Ms. Witherspoon?! She seems so much lighter having lost those last 180 lbs, aka Ryan Phillippe. If Jake G. isn’t screwing her on the set of their new film, then he really is gay.

Sacha Baron Cohen – the male Ugly Betty. I liiiike!

Jennifer Lopez – Gorge! I can excuse the bad films, the diva behavior, the cheesy MTV dance show, even her runt husband. But if she turns into a Cruisazy Scientologist, we will have to take her out—Lady Di style. Leah Remini must be stopped.

David Arquette – When did he become the prettiest Arquette?

Philip Seymour Hoffman – in Kaput.

Brangelina – Granted it was Brad’s night, but she can’t play the whole ‘I don’t care for these events’ card while dressed in couture and blood diamonds, let alone the 12 lbs of cover up used to hide her trashy tattoos. With her Benetton brood at capacity, now she just needs to adopt a new attitude.

Forrest Whitaker – Nice guy, great performance and gorgeous wife, but the fact that he starred in “Battlefield Earth” scares me more than Idi Amin.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – You know the Hollywood Foreign Press didn’t want to play the Red States/Blue States game by bestowing an award on Warren Beatty without giving the Governator airtime too.

Penelope Cruz – Between her and Angelina, Ryan Seacrest got no love last night. A man should never ask a lady about her beard. I don’t care if it is as cute as Orlando Bloom.

Kate Winslet – With her possible 5th Oscar nom, she is on her way to becoming the Susan Lucci of the Academy Award. Another red lipstick victim.

Will & Jada-Pinkett Smith – Even Will would look more feminine in that peach dress than she did.

Aaron Eckhart – Hot!

Toni Collette – Unrecognizable! Should Cameron Diaz not be able to fulfill her duties, Miss Collette will be crowned the new Cameron Diaz.

Abigail Breslin – I heard Abigail and Dakota Fanning had a big fight at Chuck E. Cheese last night over Freddie Highmore, but he wound up leaving with Bindi Irwin to go to Hannah Montana’s after hours.

Ben Affleck – He’s back to looking hot. Interesting that he and J.Lo both downgraded after their breakup. Is that The Gigli effect?

Jen Garner – That white dress was the worst thing she’s been in since “Elektra” or “Daredevil” or “13 Going on 30” or…

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu – (director of Babel) – Salma, Ugly Betty, Penelope, J.Lo, Volver, Pan’s Labyrinth, Alfonso Cuaron’s Children of Men – The Hispanics are taking ovah! Coño!

“Heroes”cast – “Lost,” who? The first season isn’t over and Ali Larter has already begun losing weight. She does look great though.

Ellen Pompeo – Calista Zellweger or Renee Flockhart. You decide.

Patrick Dempsey – I am officially McOver him. Next.

Michael C. Hall – The anti-metrosexual. He actually got hotter going from playing a gay man in “Six Feet Under” to playing a straight murderer in “Dexter.”

Elizabeth Perkins – Something’s wrong. She’s hot and hip in “Weeds” and a marm in real life. It’s Ugly Liz.

Jeremy Piven – Hollywood’s Chia Pet. Miraculously, his hair just keeps growing and growing.

Chloe Sevigny – A definite improvement for her, but still didn’t love it. A perfect dress – for dinner at Captain Steubing’s table.

Teri Hatcher – She got 0.00 media coverage. Yep, she’s back to has-been.

Steven Cojocaru – The Rachel strikes yet again!

Ryan Seacrest – He’s great at interviewing celebs to sleep. Bring back Kathy Griffin and Isaac Mizrahi!

Favorite Joanism – Rivers asking 10-year-old Abigail Breslin what her beauty regimen is.

Favorite Melissa moment – When she finally galloped off screen.

The People’s Choice Awards – 1/9/06

Ok, I know you didn’t watch this pathetic show, but with the Globes on Monday I wanted to get in the recap mode again. It’s been a while!

You can check out pics of the show here: http://www.wireimage.com/GalleryListing.asp?navtyp=gls====252239&nbc1=1

Or you can just take my word on it.

As always feel free to agree, disagree, laugh or cry about my musings. Feedback, and donations,are always appreciated.

If you want to be added to the distribution list drop me an email at: thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. My email for recaps.

My other email is still my regular everyday email—for those of you that have that one.

Until Tuesday morning/afternoon.

-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Queen Latifah – I haven’t seen someone look this uncomfortable in a dress since “To Wong Foo.”

Halle Berry – She wins for Fave Female Action Star and all people ever compliment her on is her beauty—so much for winning that Oscar. Remember that? Dissing Bryan Singer by thanking Brett Ratner for finally letting Storm fly this year will only guarantee that her non-X-Men roles will continue to be abominations.

Robin Williams – Someone give the hairy man some Ritalin please. Settle down Mork. You don’t have to prove you can still be ‘funny’ after going to rehab.

Emily Procter – (she’s one of those blonde actresses in one of those CBS crime shows) – 7 years later and peeps are still trying to outdo J.Lo’s Versace Grammy dress. Someone tape those puppies down!

Kenny Chesney – Slowly morphing into the killer in Jeepers Creepers. If you want to know why he never takes his hat off, then you’ve obviously never seen him with his hat off!

LL Cool J – If he’s not gonna be shirtless (like on the cover of his new book) then what’s the point!

Jennifer Aniston – Favorite Female Movie Star. Really? Did anyone see Rumor Has It or Derailed? She actually looked really good and she actually speaks! She’s been so silent all these years –other than in her fabulous films- that I was beginning to wonder. I still don’t understand how someone can have the opportunity to bear Brad Pitt’s spawn and they turned it down. LOCA.

Christina Applegate – Is still alive.

Johnny Depp – via satellite. Um…the only award show he goes to is the Oscars. And rightfully so.

Skeet Ulrich – Was “Scream” really 11 years ago? Did you know he was on a current series? Has he, unlike Brad Rowe, escaped the curse of looking too much like an already established heartthrob? Do you even know what I am talking about?

Katherine Heigl – Poor thing always gets it wrong. Can someone please put her in a simple black dress and be done with it!

The other black guy on “Grey’s Anatomy” that isn’t Isaiah Washington – HOMELESS

Rebecca Gayheart – Vehicular manslaughter never looked so good!

Adam Sandler – I’ve discovered the gay gene and it has nothing to do with fashion sense, witty banter, or the ability to throw a great party. Simply, there are those that find Adam Sandler movies funny (not gay) and those that don’t (gay). Except “The Wedding Singer” which is gay, Gay, GAY! So what are you?

Cameron Diaz – as the lost Olsen Triplet. What happened to her nose? If she’s serious that the reason she’s an actress is “for you” then I’m sure we can all find something to do with her $20 million per film paycheck. I’d pay her to STOP making films.

Ellen DeGeneres – She really is a butch Carson Kressley. Poor Portia. If it wasn’t for award shows Ellen would never show any affection in public. It’s obvious who wears the pants in this household, but someone needs to grow some balls and stop desexualizing themselves. If Letterman and Leno are allowed to flirt with guests, so should Ellen.

Wanda Sykes – Wore pants. You do the math.

Charlie Sheen – He thanked “us” for letting him do what he loves. Coke, hookers and gamble??? Whatever Carlos Estevez.

Vanessa Williams – Ok, I know I don’t watch it but “Ugly Betty” is a drama? Really?

Patrick Dempsey – Proof that you can be a 80s teen film star and still have a big career today. And then there’s Molly Ringwald.

David Duchovny – McDreamy meet McWeeny. What happened? The Echhh Files.

Hayden Panettiere – Jon Benet Ramsey Lives!! Save the Cheerleader indeed. The new Eva Longoria—from unknown to media onslaught in three short months.

Steven Cojocaru – There are no words.

Hannah Montana aka Billy Ray Cyrus’ 14 y.o. daughter – Let’s see how long he can keep her away from Hyde or Koi.

Best R+B song noms – Timberlake, Xtina and Mariah – Of all the R+B hits this year you’re telling me the only nominees you could come up with where 2 blondes and a quadroon! Crazy.

Justin Timberlake – poor Cameron will not be getting his dick in her box anymore.

Eva Longoria – What’s the name of her show that everyone USED to watch? I can’t seem to remember it. Wow, you too?

Vince Vaughn – aka the UNDEAD. The real life Lurch. Is Jen a vampire? Because someone sucked the life out of him. He’s slowly turning into the subway ghost in “Ghost.”

2006 VMAs

With no amazing performances, surprise guests or controversial moments – save the fact that transsexuals have taken over pop music (via Fergie, Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane) — last night’s show was quite tepid. While I am glad they brought the show to it’s rightful home of New York –back from two muy malo years in Miami — it could still use some revamping. And by revamping I mean: keep it simple. Set up one stage, hire a non-erratic host and make sure presenters have rehearsed their lines. Once you have that down, I’m sure getting the Duff sisters to make out or Lil’ Jon to duet with Tori Amos will be a breeze.

Please remember this recap is supposed to be amusing and not taken so seriously.

As always send me your comments and love to:

lopeyj@yahoo.com.

Until next time.

-Johnny Lopez
lopeyj@yahoo.com

Justin Timberlake – He’s bringing Sexy and Michael Jackson back! Did he learn nothing from the last time he channeled Senor Jacko? If he really wanted to wow us then he and Timbaland should have ended their number with a full on man-on-man kiss. You ready?!

Jack Black – It’s really funny that some people find him funny. Sometimes, I just don’t get you heteros and your bad senses of humor!

Jack White (and the Raconteurs) – I think Jack is so weird. Not because he’s paler than Nicole Kidman’s ass, or because he bares a bizarre resemblance to Mighty Mouse. But because he dated Renee Zellweger for a year. Ewww. That’s some strange shit.

Lil’ Kim – has gone a lil’ insane. Why in the world is she trying to look like Joan Rivers and Madam from Wayland Flowers? Still, she’s good show.

James Blunt – All it took to bring him and Petra Nemcova together was a tsunami.

Andre 3000 & Ciara – She still looks more masculine than he does. Sorry Andre but the jodhpurs trend failed.

Black Eyed Peas – the inner city No Doubt. Hip-pop. Positive rap. Call it what you like but their lyrics are just crappy gibberish to me. Can’t wait to see their latest commercial, mall appearance or the inevitable performance at the Mrs. America pageant. Don’t let them fool you; the only color these Peas see is GREEN.

Fergie – Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse than the Black Eyed PLEASE (you know I had to call them that at least once), along comes little miss vagi-skirts with a solo video, er, I mean album. Can someone please explain what “London Bridge” is all about? On second thought, don’t!

The Rock – With every ounce of fame he gets skinnier and skinnier. He’s the WWE version of Nicole Richie.

Shakira – Gorgeous on the red carpet. Proving you don’t need tons of makeup when you’re truly beautiful –sorry Xtina and Fall Out Boy. Mamacita’s been toning and tanning I see.

“Jackass” guys – No mas! We get it. You guys are crazy. Now please take your place in the reality show graveyard next to “Fear Factor”, “Paradise Hotel” and “The Bachelorette.” Except you Johnny Knoxville, please report to my room ASAP.

50 Cent and LL Cool J – The two hottest bods in rap and they wear oversized sweatshirts. That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard since Will Smith tried to rap again.

Lil Jon – Isn’t it about time we called Human Services. I mean seriously.

Kelly Clarkson – She wasn’t there but she won over Madonna. I’ll let that slide if you promise to stop your disgusting habit of watching “American Idol” every year. C’mon, please! If not I’ll force you to listen to Rueben, Fantasia and Carrie Underwood albums!

Pussycat Dolls – Who knew the other bimbos could speak??? Ok, very nice, you won. Now I need you to get back to your posts on the West Side Highway. Time is money girls.

Sarah Silverman – Sarah, if you don’t trip or fall then the MTV audience does not get your humor. To be quite honest, last night neither did I. And I usually love her. I’m just gonna blame Jack Black on that too.

Jessica Simpson – Did her stylist, Jessica Paster, put her in that Kelly Bundy dress? Somebody call Rachel Zoe quick! And has she been secretly working out with Nick because by the looks of her shoulders, girl can do a mean lat pulldown. At least she didn’t sing. Thank God for small miracles.

OK Go – Was it me or did the treadmill routine seem 100 times cooler on Youtube? Nevertheless kudos.

Sean White (Olympian) – I too thought one Carrot Top in this world would be enough. But it is nice to see a male one.

Paris Hilton – I barely recognize her unless she’s coming out of Hyde, or cumming in general.

Tara Reid – With every celeb under 30 in NY last night, I hope she had no trouble getting into Hyde yesterday. If you know not of what I speak check out this link:

http://www.tmz.com/2006/08/28/hilarious-paris-tara-video-im-so-yesterday/

Nick Lachey – So wait he really does sing? Who does he have to f*ck to get his song played on the radio? Or better yet on MTV? Which brings us to…

Vanessa Minnillo – Tread softly my dear because underneath the TRL studio you can still hear the ghosts of Idalis and Ananda Lewis gasping for airtime.

Nicole Richie-Escovedo – I’m rooting for the Twig Princess. I really am. She’s very witty and the most stylish 9-year-old I’ve ever seen. I heard after the show she was at Bungalow 8 canoodling with John Mark Karr.

Pink – Winning for “Stupid Girls” and having Nicole Richie present it to you — Can you say awkward? Her shaved head coif and unfortunate palazzo pants — even more awkward. But her new album is fantastic. I highly recommend it.

John Norris – There are no words to explain. Does Mystic Tan have a new hairline? This MTV dinosaur needs to lay off the Sun-In. Freak-A-Zoid.

Beyonce – Diary of a Mad Black Woman! CRAZY in love is right. Somebody please “Ring the Alarm” because there is some serious shit going on in the House of Dereon.
Excuse me Ms. Knowles, while there’s no denying you are a fab dancer, did you honestly think we wouldn’t remember Rhythm Nation 1814??? With Jacko and Janet representing via JT and B – who’s up for channeling LaToya and Tito? BTW, where was Janet? Miss Jackson has a new album coming up and needs all the help it can get. This time she better start readying her left boob.

Diddy – How he got America to run out and buy copies of Danity Kane’s debut album is a bigger mystery than the whereabouts of Suri Cruise.

Jared Leto – for his latest role Jared Leto will play a Goth. Stupid! Goth in HS is one thing. I’ll even excuse twentysomethings in bands discovering 80s Goth. But Goth in your 30s is just plain sad. Leto needs to find his “My So Called Life.”

Amy Lee – She’s a flop album away from scrapping her look and re-emerging in Danity Kane.

Panic at the Disco, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance – Nice outfits boys. I had no idea Jane Austen and Edith Wharton were the hardest working stylists in rock. If the MAC counter near you is out of ebony eyeliner blame their labels

Panic at the Disco – For everyone (especially guys) who say they don’t like Broadway musicals, I call bullshit. Because their hit song has Andrew Lloyd Weber written all over it.

Fall Out Boy – Were they dressed for the VMAs or a prom at Hogwarts?

My Chemical Romance – Never mind the performance. That was the best ad the Observation Deck at Rockefeller Center could ever have hoped for. I’m so there my next trip to NY. (Which is during Thanksgiving btw).

Fort Minor – “Where’d You Go” – Eminem and Dido never sounded so good.

Kelis – Sadly she was going for the 106th and Park Ave Princess look but wound up like a 60s kindergarten teacher instead.

Little Miss Sunshine – I don’t get what the hype is all about. Sorry.

Avenge Sevenfold – Who? What? Why? I’m just too old I guess.

Britney and K-Fed – What? How? Why? I’m just too old I guess.

Missy Elliott – How happy is she that she doesn’t have to wear Glad bags – by default -anymore?

Hype Williams – proving you can still wear a hot tux and not lose your street cred. Superb. But Diddy is gonna kill him for not mentioning him in his acceptance speech.

Christina Aguilera – SING! What a voice. But I’m getting really tired of her whole “I’mnottrashylikeBritneysoI’mgonnabereallyglamorous” thing. We get it baby Jane. If she keeps pushing the classy image, expect to see her turn up as Elizabeth I or the Virgin Mary next.

Linda Perry – on piano w/ Xtina or was it Fievel?

AFI – MISS Murder, I couldn’t have thought up a better song title if I tried. The lead singer is the love child of Alan Cumming and Joyce Dewitt. Eyeliner is one thing but false eyelashes?! Like Shakira says, hips don’t lie, lady. It’s Boy George 2006. And everyone pretends they always knew Lance Bass was gay. Ha!

Tenacious D – No.

Queen Latifah – Three horses had to die to bust her weave out.

Al Gore – in “How to make an award show come to a screeching halt.” The inconvenient truth is that sandwiched between acts like Pussycat Dolls and Axl Rose, this segment was just inappropriate. And that’s coming from someone who really liked the documentary.

Jennifer Lopez – I see someone’s seen “Grey Gardens.” It was nice of her to take a break from her duties in King Arthur’s court. She proved there’s no baby bump, but plenty of booty bump. I know she’s going to get lots of shit for her shower cap ensemble but at least it was interesting and fashion forward. And hysterical.

Axl Rose – The best Tonya Harding has looked in years.

The Killers – “When We Were Young” is just waiting to be put into a John Hughes teen comedy (with Molly Ringwald as the mom.) It’s “Don’t You Forget About Me ’06”. I can already hear it being played in proms from coast to coast. Can you tell I’m having a nostalgic moment?

2006 EMMYs

There are officially no real television stars! Film and music celebs are so much more interesting. And since all a program needs to be considered a hit these days is a weekly viewer ship of about 15 million, there are loads of shows with casts that NO ONE recognizes. Boy could this show have used one of Teri Hatcher’s I-used-to-be-a-has-been speeches.

You know it’s bad when the cast on Big Brother:All Stars is more exciting. Go Janelle!

I know it’s late but my job these days doesn’t leave for as much free time as before.

So feel free to ask for your money should you not be pleased with your recap purchase.

As always I appreciate your comments and love. Send them my way at lopeyj@yahoo.com.

Until the VMAs on Thursday night!

-Johnny Lopez
lopeyj@yahoo.com

Annette Bening – Even without Hilary Swank nominated, poor Annette still can’t win a damn thing.

Barry Manilow – Sporting the latest from the Barbara Walters wig collection. I hear Rod Stewart owns one too. My question is: when he yelled “Alright Dick!” at the end of his performance was it meant to be a shout out to Dick Clark or did he finally come out of his Copacabana closet?

Blythe Danner – I hate giving any sort of Gwyneth-related praise, but Blythe looked great. That being said, the woman owns more shawls than an entire village of Italian widowed grandmothers.

Bob Newhart – Silly me thought he was already dead.

Calista Flockhart – Why, Mary Tyler Moore, look how young you’ve gotten!! Nothing says eating disorder like a return to primetime television. Are black teeth a sign of anorexia nervosa or was she just drinking red wine backstage? Since she’s got that new TV show this fall and dates Harrison Ford it’s pretty much an even draw.

Candice Bergen – Do me a favor and pass me Blythe Danner’s shawl cause we need to cover this up quick. Sporting the latest from Bed, Bath & Beyond’s Kimono-Cowboy Ready to Wear Collection.

Charlie Sheen – aka Carlos Estevez – Call me crazy but I think by divorcing Denise Richards he may actually be through with the whores.

Christopher Meloni – HUNK

Cloris Leachman – What Farrah Fawcett could look like if she had some good work done!

Dick Clark – I’m not going there.

Candy Spelling – What’s the going rate for a relationship with your daughter?

Tori Spelling – Since she’s ain’t getting shit from her mom now, she and her Z-list actor husband can start making Red Shoe Diaries films for a living together or at the very least a sequel to Mother, May I Sleep With Danger!

Farrah Fossil – The best she’s look since they reassembled her face. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t she fight with Spelling over money and left Charlie’s Angels after one year? Poor Cheryl Ladd was an Angel for much longer and got ass for it.

Kate Jackson – I believe she’s still up on that stage talking. And had Aaron let her make Kramer vs. Kramer like she was supposed to her career could have been completely different.Meryl Streep different.

Jaclyn Smith – She was always my favorite Angel. Still gorgeous but needs to stop getting work done before she starts looking like a Beverly Hills-enstein. Remember when she was the only celeb with a fashion line?

Edie Falco – Once and for all Mystic Tanning does not, I repeat, does NOT look natural! Unless you consider Cheez Doodle orange a natural skin tone.

Ellen Pompeo – If the look she was going for was that whole white-trash-unwed-teen-mother- 7/11-attendant-with-a-nuyorican-accent thing then kudos. Mission accomplished.

Eva Longoria – Next to the sea of relative unknowns (sorry “The Office,” “Grey’s Anatomy” and Gillian Anderson) Eva comes off looking like she’s a Julia Roberts-size supastar!

Evangeline Lilly – Gorgeous. Place your bets now: How long before she’s in a romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey?

Felicity Huffman – Remember huh? What a difference a year makes.

Heather Locklear – Somebody apparently got the name of Madonna’s doctor! Now be a doll and give their # to Fawcett.

Heidi Klum – Her next reality show should be called Project Tubes Tied. The girl is so fertile that Hezbollah just attacked her.

Howie Mandel – Who let him get famous again? Did we learn nothing from his 80s rubber glove over the nose trick? He and Joey Lawrence are trying to pull a McConaughey/Gyllenhall –only they are vying for the Mr. Clean role instead of Lance Armstrong.

Jamie Pressly – Am I suppose to be impressed she got nominated for basically playing her pre-(and possibly post)Hollywood self? I guess those 583 FHM covers finally paid off.

James Woods – He’s dating a 20-year-old but he’s TWENTY-times-three-years-old. Somebody check his Jon Benet alibi!

Jennifer Love Hewitt – She’s growing up. How can I tell? Her hips don’t lie. As Barry Manilow can attest to.

Jeremy Piven – Let’s see. He brought his mom, wore an ascot and mentioned fluffer in his acceptance sheet. What do you think he’s trying to tell us? Hmmm.

Joan Collins – Somebody oughta stop letting granny do her own makeup!

Julia-Louis Dreyfus – Hasn’t aged since the “Seinfeld” finale. When you’re married to an albino, how can you possibly almost forget to thank him?

Katherine Hiegl – No, don’t worry. That wasn’t Charlize Theron at the Emmys. It was just one of the droves of unknown actresses on “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Leslie Jordan – (Beverly Leslie from Will and Grace) – a non-“Brokeback” gay reference at an award show?? But this isn’t the Tonys!

Mariska Hargitay – Fantabulous. She takes after her mom, Jayne Mansfield, and has a good head on her shoulders.

Matthew Perry – A new Matthew Perry TV show can only mean one thing: Let the weight fluctuations begin!

Megan Mullally – The thing is, everyone wants to see Karen Walker’s talk show NOT Megan Mullally’s! What is she thinking?

Patrick Dempsey – He had the best head of hair of the night. Well, besides Tyra’s wig of course.

Ray Liotta – Or was it a Rhesus Monkey? Global warming wouldn’t be such an issue if only the Polar icecaps were as frozen as his face.

Ron Livingston – Y’all can have Pitt, Clooney and Depp. Give me Livingston and I’ll call it a day. Yum.

Sean Hayes – Now with the show cancelled, his Lance Bass moment should be no more than 24-36 months away.

Simon Cowell – In the words of Valerie Cherish, “I don’t need to see that!” I haven’t seen that much exposed cleavage since the 2004 Super Bowl.

Steve Carell – With the exception of Rainn Wilson, how cute has the cast of “The Office” gotten in these two years?! Not that I know their names.

Tina Fey – With Tina not returning to the show, the only reason left to watch SNL is to get your Saturday night guests to leave sooner.

Tom Selleck – God bless ’em. Someone’s gotta keep the 70s porn look alive.

Tony Shaloub – One day soon people will start watching “Monk” and then he’ll finally be able to get his name off the no-fly list.

Tyra Banks – Her dress cost $55K and her jewels $3 million. And we wonder why the world hates Americans! I haven’t seen someone pose this hard since Garth Brooks came out with Chris Gaines.

Virginia Madsen – I see what she bought with her “Sideways” money –tits!

Jean Smart – Looking young is always good. But looking like a young Tanya Tucker –not so good.

Leah Remini – Her exchange with Ryan Seacrest over Suri Cruise was priceless. A metrosexual pipsqueak should never mess with a spicy Brooklyn Italian Scientologist. If Seacrest goes missing this week — now you know why.

Debra Messing – Everybody wave goodbye to the nice redheaded lady.

Amy Poehler – Doing her best Sharon Stone impersonation ever!

Chandra Wilson – Seat filler? No, just another one of those anonymous “Grey’s” gals. Can they please wear nametags?!

Cheryl Hines – She needs to Curb Her Enthusiasm for the bedazzler.

Gillian Anderson – We can finally take her picture off the milk cartons. She’s surfaced — although pregnant and wearing a graduation gown. Maybe the truth IS out there.

Geena Davis – It’s like staring into Jen Garner’s face after 20 years of botched botox.

Harrison Ford – He needs 20 years of botched botox!

Kyra Sedgwick – Even Amtrak doesn’t have a train as long as hers.

Lisa Kudrow – She should have won for “The Comeback.” Pure Genius. Rent it and see for yourselves.

Sandra Oh – The role of Mr.T will now be played by Sandra.

Vanessa Minnillo – Ladies and gentlemen representing Flushing, it’s Miss Queens 2006.

Portia di Rossi – I see a guest spot on the “L-Word” in her future. If Ellen will let her.

Denis Leary (and his wife) – I swore it was new lesbian super couple Ellen DeGeneres and Ellen Barkin. Strange.

2006 MTV Movie Awards

Anyone who gets bored during the Oscars’ overlong ceremony should take heed in the fact that not even MTV, the kings of ADD viewing, can produce a (taped) award show and edit any life into two hours. Just be happy you weren’t in the audience for the actual (more than two-hour) ceremony.

If you didn’t catch them the first time around, don’t worry I’m sure MTV is airing them on a constant loop.

As always, to be added to the distribution email me at lopeyj@yahoo.com.

So without further adieu, here is my unmitigated and uncensored rundown of Thursday night’s MTV Movie Awards.

Enjoy!

Jessica Alba – BEAUTIFUL. EXQUISITE. FLAWLESS. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in anything bad, well, except maybe ‘Fantastic Four.’

Brandon Routh – Hanging on to his ‘girlfriend’ Courtney for dear life at arrivals. At a time when celebs with legit significant others won’t show up together, isn’t it queer that he had her present at every red carpet interview. Oh Superman we all know the va-jay-jay is your kryptonite.

Kate Bosworth – presenting with her not-so ambiguously gay duo (Routh and Spacey). Thank god she went back to blonde. Her brunette Lois Lane wig makes her look worse than when original Lois, Margot Kidder, surfaced dazed, confused and toothless in a Glendale, CA backyard in ’96.

Kevin Spacey – I understand why he won’t officially come out –he just doesn’t want to jeopardize the box-office on all those hit romantic comedies he’s always cast in.

Christian Bale – He insulted Superman and Joel Schumacher but then went on and on thanking other peeps in his endless acceptance speech. It was as if he was dying and this would be his last chance to say his peace. Note to Bale: it’s an MTV Movie Award not an Oscar. It’s not even a People’s Choice Award! With all the talk of his gaining and losing weight for roles, the most shocking thing was realizing that he still has a British accent.

Amanda Bynes – Or is it lil’ Jen Aniston? Only thing is Aniston wishes she had as many hit films as Bynes.

Anna Faris – Or is it old Ashlee Simpson. Poor Anna, she blew all the buzz she got for her role in ‘Lost in Translation’ to become the Steve Guttenberg of ‘Scary Movie’. You know what was a really ‘Scary Movie’ – Anna in them bad shorts!

Isla Fisher – After crowning herself the patron saint of bipolar nymphomaniacs in her acceptance speech, expect Isla to receive a rebuttal from Anna Nicole and Tara Reid very shortly.

Colin Farrell – He’s gone to rehab for substance abuse issues, but after Alexander, New World, Ask the Dust, Recruit, Daredevil, and Phone Booth, he needs someone to rehabilitate his sorry ass box-office track record. Good thing he sho iz purrrty.

Jamie Foxx – I blame Ray Charles and Kanye for his incessant need to sing or rap anytime he gets within 3 feet of a microphone. Bring back the funnyman Foxx. On second thought, don’t.

Eva Mendes – GORGEOUS. The question is can the world handle two hot Latinas named Eva? I also just want to say thank you to her and Timberlake. I didn’t think there were any ‘Brokeback’ jokes left to be made, especially since we all know what a riot homosexual love is.

Justin Timberlake – Escaping from Cameron Diaz’s bunker looking as yummy as ever. But I still demand reparations for his hand in the whole SuperBowl/Nipplegate scandal for which he emerged unscathed. And to think, had he and Brits stayed together he would have saved us from ever having to utter the word Federline.

Jake Gyllenhaal – Just as I was beginning to detox from The Gyllenhaal, he and his puppy dog eyes go and make a cool acceptance speech acknowledging how great it is that MTV viewers choose ‘Brokeback’ for Best Kiss. Sigh!! Now how do we get TRL viewers into Congress?

Jimmy Fallon – His hopes of a Mike Myers-esque film career is looking more and more like Kevin Nealon’s TV career. Perhaps its time Jimmy started schmoozing Lorne Michaels again – which would require going over Andy Samberg’s dead body.

Chris Daughtry – (singing in the Da Vinci Code parody) – Remember him? He proves that unless you win (or look like Kat McPhee), ‘Idol’ contestants have the shelf life equivalent of Trader Joe’s bread.

Borat aka Sasha Baron Cohen aka Ali G – The long lost immigrant brother of Cosmo Kramer.

Gnarls Barkley – With all the Katie Couric exit mania I completely didn’t notice that Al Roker started a band. Now that’s ‘CRAZY!’

Matt Dillon – Like a fine wine and Madonna, he gets better with age!

Kate Hudson – Reduced to wearing Mariah Carey’s hand me downs. Who are her stylists? TheBangar Sisters?

Owen Wilson – In the event that Ellen DeGeneres cannot fulfill her TV hosting duties, Owen Wilson will become America’s favorite lesbian talk show host. Sorry Rosie. (and Oprah).

Hayden Christiensen – I see he didn’t get the Brandon Routh arrival rules memo.

Famke Janssen – She looked hot and not like her typical EX-MAN self. Somehow she pulled off that dress despite it being from the Boca Raton Cruise Collection.

Rebecca Romijn– With the cancellation of ‘Pepper Dennis’ you can officially lay the term ‘star of the WB’ next to the Concorde, the Betamax and Clear Pepsi. The question is, how long before she’s hosting a modeling reality show?

Adam Sandler – I understand why he plays retarded in movies, now why do you do it in real life and go to his movies – ‘Wedding Singer’ not included.

Kate Beckinsale – Van Helsing, Underworld, Underworld 2, Pearl Harbor, Brokedown Palace. Poor Katie just can’t seem to ‘Click’.

Christina Aguilera – Mariah’s comeback torch has been passed. Hey Britney, did you know that in the 80s everyone thought Cyndi Lauper was going to be the one with the long career and Madonna was the flash in the pan. History is repeating itself, although, this time the one with the better voice wins. Xtina proves that, next to Britney, all you have to do to be considered classy is wear shoes.

Will Ferrell – Lo siento ‘Talladega Nights’ but I’m gay and if Nicole Kidman couldn’t get me to see one of Ferrell’s movies, nothing will.

John C. Reilly – John, save yourself and run, don’t walk back to the nearest indie-film.

Steve Carell – The anti-Ferrell. His movies I will see. Oh wait, that’s cause they’re funny.

LL Cool J – I can tell you one thing, not only the Ladies Love Cool J.

Spike Lee – Or was it The Count from Sesame Street?

Keanu Reeves – After years of defying space, time and acting coaches everywhere, it seems that Keanu is finally aging and at record ‘Speed’.

Sandra Bullock – Returning from her Oscar snub in ‘Crash’, Sandy Buttocks is back to her old romantic comedy ways. Now I know ‘The Lake House’ isn’t an intentional comedy but c’mon! A movie about a mystical mailbox – that’s funny. Now, if only Will Ferrell was in it we’d be in business. If you ask me her dress was more appropriate for a ritualistic virginal sacrifice than for attending an insignificant award show.

Vince Vaughn (via satellite) – While ‘The Break-Up’ debuted at #1, it’s no Shiloh Nouvel but I guess it’ll just have to do. I hope Vince realizes that there’s no way in hell Jen is ever going to let him make a romantic comedy again (unless she’s in it too). Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure she learned her lesson the last time one of her significant others (who shall remain nameless) co-starred with a hot actress (who shall also remain nameless.)

Jessica Simpson – Was that her dress or a wall covering from Chi Chi’s? There’s a lot of pressure on Jess because if Nick Lachey’s album can debut at the top of the charts then hers better cure cancer or something. First she played Daisy Duke and now she’s taking over the role of Pam Ewing in the Dallas movie. With a Puerto Rican Sue Ellen already cast and now a blonde stepping into Victoria Principal’s Eurasian shoes, it makes perfect sense then if they cast Dakota Fanning as Miss Ellie.

Dane Cook – What’s the quickest way to lose all of your indie cred/cult status? Co-star in a movie with Jessica Simpson. Future graduate of the Jim Carrey School for Over the Top Award Show Performances.

AFI – Lace gloves, a black bi-level bob and eye makeup that rivals Cleopatra. If it wasn’t for the lead singer’s tatted up arms I swear I was watching footage from Minnelli’s ‘Liza with a Z.’ Can we please put an end to all these poser Marilyn Manson-lite/80s goth wannabes?! That’s right I’m talking to you Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy)!

Suchin Pak – The MTV VJ sports burgundy chunks in her hair, which is the female equivalent of Carson Daly’s ‘Hey I’m 30 but am still cool cause I wear black nail polish’ mantra.

Rhianna – or was it BeYOUNGce’?

Rosario Dawson – presenting Most Frightened Performance, which she should have won for ‘Rent’.

Jennifer Carpenter – the winner of Most Frightened Performance for ‘The Exorcism of Emily Rose.’ I think it’s awesome that she was able to get her shift covered to come to the show.

Jim Carrey – Looks like someone has the same hair stylist as Clay Aiken.

Zach Braff – presenting the award for Best Student Filmmaker. The winner now has his choice of working on such stellar MTV cinematic gems as Tiara Girls, 8th and Ocean or My Super Sweet 16.

Samuel L. Jackson – So does Jackson still buys his kangol caps or do they just ship him free ones constantly? Expectations are high, but ‘Snakes on a Plane’ better be ‘Showgirls’ good.

FIN

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L.RON HUBBARD LOVES YOUR AFTER-BIRTH!

Brooke Shields emerged victorious today in the latest round in the Cruise-Shields Hollywood death match. Brooke gave birth to daughter, Grier Hammond, just hours before Tom Cruise’s opposite-sex lover, Katie Holmes, spawned her own baby thetan, Suri.

Last year Brooke and Tom showed no ‘Endless Love’ for each other when they traded barbs in the media over Shields’ use of psychiatric drugs after the birth of her first child. As the baby hype begins to settle, here’s hoping fans of both stars avoid any post-partum depression of their own.

BASIC INSTINCT 2

Tackier than “Glitter” but not as horrendously gorgeous as “Showgirls”, “Basic Instinct 2”, now set in England, still delivers more bloody camp than an ax wielding Jason.

Where “Basic Instinct” was a fun ride, the sequel is an out of control laugh riot. But fear not you purists, every over-the-top moment you enjoyed about the original has been re-done, re-worked and re-engineered into the sequel, much like Sharon Stone herself. Interrogation scene. Check. Car chase. Check. Techno club scene. Check. Ambiguous lesbian relationship. Check. In fact the only thing you won’t see again are Sharon’s vadge and Michael Douglas’ ass. Maybe God does work in mysterious ways. The ice pick is back too, but just for a cameo. Sadly it could have been put to better use to chip away a facial expression on Miss Sharon’s botox riddled STONE face!

Featuring classic lines like: “Even Oedipus didn’t see his mother coming” and approximately 77 references to making Sharon’s character Catherine Tramell come, the BI2 screenplay has more in common with Mad Libs than anything WGA registered. So regardless what Rob Schneider and “The Benchwarmers” say, run, don’t walk (because it won’t be in theaters much longer) to see the real # 1 comedy in America, “Basic Instinct 2”.

P.S. Note to Charlotte Rampling: FIRE YOUR AGENT!

“Senator, when you took your oath of office, you
placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the
Constitution. You didn’t place your hand on the
Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible.”

-Jamie Raskin,Law Professor at American University,
testifying Wednesday, March 1, 2006 before the
Maryland Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee in
response to a question from Republican Senator Nancy
Jacobs about whether marriage discrimination against
gay people is required by “God’s Law.”