Things learned from watching the 2009 Grammys:
1. Al Green, Boyz II Men, Paul McCartney, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson and Robert Plant successfully turned it into the 2009 GRANNYs.
2. If you attend AND perform at the Grammys while 10 months pregnant and on your due date you can wear whatever the fuck you want.
3. You can win Record and Album of the year with 99% of the public never having heard the song/album before.
4. Music award shows are nothing without some DIVAS, and Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry just don’t cut it. Say what you will about Britney’s talents, but the loon gives good show!
5. We will never truly see a Whitney Houston comeback. She left the building a long, long time ago, people.
6. Believe it or not, Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel are not the same person.
7. Jennifer Hudson is amazing and really lucky … because if she had won “American Idol” she’d probably be performing at state fairs and mall openings with Ruben, Fantasia and Taylor.
8. It’s impossible to tell if U2 comes out with new songs or just repurposes stuff off their last two albums. Was that Vertigo? Beautiful Day?
9. Stevie Wonder needs a new seeing-eye manager.
You know the drill. Read it and weep – and then send me your comments.
U2 – “Get On Your Boots” and stop remaking the same damn song over and over. Madonna may not be the only 50-year-old pop star jumping around the stage, but at least she doesn’t need Bono’s cataract shades.
Whitney Houston – we now have a drinking problem. The second coming of Jesus is likely to arrive sooner than Whitney’s. Just because you are alive and standing upright does not mean you deserve a standing ovation.
Jennifer Hudson – Has she not suffered enough? Why didn’t her date remove her dinner napkin from Red Lobsters before going up to the podium?!
Justin Timberlake – Kudos for filling in while Chris Brown and Rihanna figure out when to appear on “Jerry Springer.”
Chris Brown & Rihanna – Title of their new duet “No Officer, Everything Is Fine.” Turns out an umbrella really is RiRi’s biggest hit. Ouch!
Boyz II Men – Suddenly it’s 1993 all over again.
Coldplay – In their Rainbow Brite Rhythm Nation uniforms.
Carrie Underwood – With Rihanna no longer being music’s untouchable pop princess, it won’t be long now before an unwanted pregnancy, pill addiction or an allegation of kleptomania surfaces.
LeAnn Rimes – Would it kill her to wash her damaged hair?
Duffy, Adele, Estelle – Please identify yourselves to America.
Adele – Was she going to the Grammys or to a prom in 1962? It’s Betty Crocker chic. She’s going to have a huge career … like former Best New Artist winners Shelby Lynne, Evanescence and Paula Cole.
Kenny Chesney — DELETE.
Taylor Swift & Miley Cyrus – Does Miley even remember being 15? Wasn’t that over 20 years ago?
Robert Plant – For the love of Steely Dan, WTF is a
homeless man Mickey Rourke Robert Plant doing winning record and album of the year. Because when you think back to the music of 2008 the song everyone will remember is Low Bleeding Love Disturbia “Please Read the Letter.” Que?!
Nicole Kidman – Does she even know who Keith Urban is? I still have a hard time believing they are legit or that she even really birthed her own child. This is the same woman who was married to Tom Cruise for ten years and didn’t covert to Scientolocrazy, so you know she’s capable of anything!
Stevie Wonder – He’s lucky in so far as he will never have to see his performance with the Jonas Brothers. My eyes! My eyes! Demi Lovato, your Aretha duet awaits!
Paula Abdul & Lisa Rinna – HAIR WARS! Miss Venezuela contestants circa 1975.
Cyndi Lauper – Marie Antoinette just wants to have fun. Off with her head.
Jonas Brothers – No pomade, fitted suit or duet in the world can make these evangelical Christian dandy boy banders cool. That being said, Joe Jonas … call me!
Blink 182 – ‘Memba them?! I’ll give a dollar to anyone who actually cares that they are getting back together.
Katy Perry – I didn’t like it. It was just like Britney’s infamous VMA/Gimme More debacle but minus the Klonopin haze and rehearsed choreography. Abysmal.
Kanye West – It’s never good when you get upstaged by your Kurtis Blow mullet weave. Yes Yes y’all.
M.I.A.– Loved. Ain’t nobody got swagga like huh! She is officially cooler than everyone! The only thing that could have topped the performance with the Rap Pack was if her water broke. She needs to give birth today so she can sing her “Slumdog” song at the Oscars in 2 weeks.
Dave Grohl – As if I didn’t love him and the Foo Fighters enough, Dave wore a marriage equality white knot at arrivals. Nirvana!
John Mayer – Since he spends all his time “not dating” a plethora of actresses, I almost forgot what it is that made him famous to begin with … his gargantuan head.
The only thing more bloated than Nikki Cox’s lips – her husband Jay Mohr.
Gwyneth Paltrow – Unless she’s rehearsing the Paso Doble, she needs to return that dress thing to Carrie Ann Inaba.
Radiohead – Is it me or does Thom Yorke look like Martin Short’s albino, lazy-eyed Jackie Rogers Jr. character on SNL? Thom may be a whack job but they are genius. That’s what you’re supposed to say, right?
It’s not an award show unless Samuel L. Jackson presents. But I didn’t think he and Morgan Freeman were contractually allowed to appear at the same event.
Smokey Robinson – It’s kind of twisted that Smokey’s doctor butchered his face in such a way that he always looks happy. Oh, the irony.
NeYo – He had something completely different in mind when he was asked to perform with four tops. How you doing?!
Neil Diamond – Welcome to last call at every straight frat/college bar in North America – or as I like to call it … HELL. Bah bah bah!
In Memoriam – Considering the musical lineup, was it this year’s departed or upcoming performers?!
Lil Wayne – It’s ok. You can leave your moms, baby mamas and chillens in their seats when you accept your award. No, really, you can.