2008 VMAs

Things I learned watching the 2008 MTV VMAs:

  1. Either MTV feels really bad for allowing a bikini-clad comatose mother of two implode live on stage in front of the world last year, or Jive Records paid a shitload of cash to make sure Britney won three awards for a bad video of her dancing – aka dazedly lifting her arms and running her fingers threw her mangled mane.

  1. You know the VMAs are lame when the most punk rock moment is having a bubble gum American Idol winner take down a surly British comedian by defending the honor of purity rings. Where’s a sexed up pop star writhing around the floor in a wedding dress mocking abstinence when you need her?!

  1. Rock and Roll is officially dead when a spoiled brat from “My Super Sweet 16” would seem less out of place on the MTV red carpet than a band like Slipknot.

  1. In lieu of a proper arena, venue or theater, MTV decided to hold this year’s awards in a high school gym. Total audience occupancy: 38 people!

  1. Between Rihanna, Pink and Christina… Mad Max S+M lipstick lesbian leather chic is really big in the female vocal world.

  1. The Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane are in fact two different call girl rings groups.

  1. Condolences to Taylor Swift, Ciara, Ashley Tisdale and the like, but the sparkly dress is done. And no more teen boys in suits. DONE!

  1. They really should rename them the YouTube Awards, because everyone knows that’s the only place you can watch music videos these days.

The last time the VMAs were even remotely fun was back in 2003 with the Britney/Madonna/Xtina kiss thing, then came the Miami and Vegas debacle years. RIP. Last year’s highlight – if you can call it that – was the world’s first live public crucifixion. So it’s only fitting that last night’s theme appeared to be redemption – at least as far as Britney and her armies of stylists and pharamacists are concerned. That being said, how can the show have any real clout when in reality, MTV’s best new artist is not a musical act – it’s Heidi and Spencer?

Time to take off your purity rings and enjoy the recap!

Britney Spears – Don’t call it a comeback. Yes, I know, we’re all rooting for her and she did look good – minus that ropey, spaghetti weave, but can people just chill? Being semi-lucid and medicated enough to sit through hair and makeup and accept some non-significant award is not curing cancer! It’s amazing what you can do when you stop traipsing around Malibu gas stations barefoot and hand your life over to your father. And the VMA goes to… 5150 holds!

Rihanna – Right now she can do no wrong, except for ripping off everything from Thriller, Marilyn Manson and Madge’s iconic 1984 VMA “Like a Virgin” number during her performance of “Disturbia.” Is she really dating Chris Brown or is her Brigitte Nielsen butch ‘do and newly acquired “L Word” tough girl persona more indicative of who she really is?! Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum!

Russell Brand – Props for bringing back Joan Cusack’s “Working Girl” ‘do. My outta borough brethren thank you. But if we’ve learned anything from Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, it’s that you NEVER apologize – especially not to an 18-year-old “American Idol” winner. Piss on that.

Jamie Foxx – Actor or singer? Pick a side and stay there.

Demi Moore – Does she have an album coming out? Then why is she there? The 45-year-old does not age, but that’s still no reason to come out wearing Suri Cruise’s dress.

Taylor Swift – Ol’ girl has gotta stop getting her hair, makeup and outfits from the Piggly Wiggly!

Jonas Brothers – Between the purity rings, the “There Will Be Blood” performance outfits and the Sesame Street number, can someone please explain to me their allure? They are so becoming The Coreys – 2018 edition.

Katy Perry – You’re not Dita Von Teese — leave the ‘40s bloomers at home – along with your irritating faux-lesbian anthem.

Michael Phelps – We’ve found our new Lurch for “The Addams Family” reboot! Doesn’t he look like that giant from “Big Fish?”

Leona Lewis – Pairing her with Lil’ Wayne makes as much sense as giving Britney three awards for “Piece of Me.”

Lil’ Wayne – What the hell is Whoopi Goldberg doing singing topless at the VMAs? Or was it Jungle Book’s Mowgli? I know I sound like a parent, but seriously, in the name of Marky Mark… pull up those pants!

T-Pain – Because one Lil’ John in this world just isn’t enough.

Lindsay Lohan – Where is the love, MTV? Where’s her VMA? She got rehabbed too!

Ciara – Someone might want to put her wig on frontward for her.

Pussycat Dolls – It’s BOOBIES, not groupies. I don’t care what they say or how radio edits that song! Quick, name one of them other than Nicole Sherzinger. I dare you!

Paramore – Cyndi Lauper meets Tiffany with a Scientology-free dash of Juliette Lewis.

Shia LaBeouf – I flipped my truck drunk, broke my hand, held up production of my new film and stole Adrian Grenier’s chick – but I over-moussed my hair and put on a suit for you. So can I get a VMA too?

Miley Cyrus – Strangely likeable.

Pink – Her performance ensemble was the best she’s ever looked. So what if she resembles the chick from Bravo’s “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.” What was with her and Rihanna trying to one-up each other – hair, cleavage, outfit? Just makeout and get it over with already, ladies.

Ashlee Simpson – Pregnant and looking like a skinny Wynonna Judd.

Pete Wentz – The cutest midget I’ve ever seen. Adorable.

Slipknot – Almost as scary as Danity Kane. Almost.

Jordin Sparks – Maybe if she were a little sluttier she wouldn’t need Chris Brown singing on her records to give her a hit.

Lauren Conrad – How sad is it that she’s the face of MTV these days?

Christina Aguilera – The bastard love child of Lady GaGa, Samantha Fox, Kylie and Linda Hogan. Guess that whole ‘40s big band thing didn’t work out so well. She’s always getting the short end of the Britney stick. ‘Memba she kissed Madonna too, and didn’t go crazy or lose her children, but it was still the Britney show last night. What’s a former Mousketeer gotta lip synch to get noticed around here?

Tokio Hotel – What if Pete Burns from “Dead or Alive” circa 1985 and Bjork had a hermaphrodite baby? … And no one cared.

Paris Hilton – I don’t understand why MTV isn’t publicizing her reality show more! Another rehabilitated famous person. Damn, 2006 really was one fucked up year in Hollywood!

Drake Bell – Zac Efron, is that you?

Kid Rock – Rodent.

Kanye West – Um, that’s how you close the show?! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! Flatline. Which I guess is only fitting.

Until next year’s show, when Britney will either attempt a choreographed number, tragically host, or spontaneously combust on the VMA stage.