2009 Golden Globes

Things learned from watching the 2009 Golden Globes:

1. The only thing the Globes love more than Kate Winslet is a rehabbed star’s comeback. With Mickey Rourke and Colin Farrell taking home gold, all that was missing was for Britney Spears to win an award.

2. Sting going brown is the most traumatic television hair event to happen since Felicity cut off her curly locks.

3. Renee Zellweger and Drew Barrymore must have the same dealer. How else do you explain the fact that they both thought they were going to the Oil Baron’s Ball in Dallas?

4. “Slumdog Millionaire” is this year’s “Little Miss Sunshine,” only more plausible and with less coinky dinks than “Crash.”

5. “Milk” and Sean Penn were robbed.

6. Kate Capshaw is like Katie Holmes minus all the brainswashing. Some day her husband will allow her to act in a movie again.

7. The Great Ryan Seacrest/Brangelina Chase and Snub of ’09 may be the only thing you see on TV this year funnier than “30 Rock” or “Summer Heights High.”

8. Having the Jonas Bros. present should do a bang up job of boosting the tween ticket sales of crowd-pleasing mall flicks like “The Reader” and “Frost/Nixon.”

9. J.Lo opened the show and Tom Cruise closed it, Scientology deprogramming begins now!

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Jennifer Lopez – Somewhere near the corner of Highland and Santa Monica Blvd. there’s a former man missing one Solid Gold Vegas cocktail waitress minidress. “Hello, Mama’s talking.” She even talks like a drag queen. Marc Anthony finally looked better than she did.

Kate Winslet – How sad is it that she’s an amazing actress and will probably finally win her long overdue Oscar this year, but all anyone wants to talk about is her weight?!

Sting – The Bonofication of Gordon Sumner is complete.

Eva Longoria – Despite the fact that her show won in the ratings last night, the entire relevance of “Desperate Housewives” lies solely on her 47 lb bird shoulders. Where’s that Teri Hatcher “I used to be a has been” speech?

Rumer Willis – How do you get back at your super-gorgeous Hollywood mom for calling you out on national television and taking your spotlight away? By sleeping with her man-boy husband, silly. Hell has no fury like a celebuspawn scorned! Ding. You’re done. Can someone please take the purple dye out of her hair? It’s beginning to stain.

Laura Dern – It must suck getting offered all the roles Laura Linney passes on. On the bright side, who knew there were so many roles for pound cake-faced actresses?!

Don Cheadle – We’re all waiting for the Terrence Howard/Iron Man death match to commence.

Eva Mendes – Jade jewelry never looked so good.

Zac Efron – Hair and makeup compliments of Exxon Valdez.

Zachary Quinto – Somehow he gets hotter and hotter. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for “Heroes.”

Ricky Gervais – If we had wanted to hear a Holocaust joke we would have all gone to see “Valkyrie.”

Sally Hawkins – Her win will hopefully take her places … like to the Karen Carpenter Wing of Cedar-Sinai. Apparently she’s not so Happy Go-Lucky in her head. She had to put the award down, it weighed more than she did!

Anna Paquin – She has an Oscar and a Globe. Now all she needs is to learn how to act.

Jake Gyllenhaal – In another life I want to come back as Reese Witherspoon.

Jessica Lange — If only she could get as much as work as her face does! Were the shades to hide the bloodshot eyes or the post-op eye tuck?

Drew Barrymore – I LOVED the whole I-took-the-morning-after-pill-and-woke-up-in-night-court hair. It’s like you could almost smell the Aqua Net, cigarettes and gin. The only thing missing was for her to do the red carpet holding her heels. But seriously, it was major!

Tom Hanks – Can’t he throw Peter Scolari and Meg Ryan a bone and get them some extra work in a good film?!

Rita Wilson – Tom’s real Bosom Buddy — My Big Fat Greek Breasts! Yowzer!

Demi Moore – Why isn’t she sharing her fountain of youth Kabbalah water with Madge? Demi looks good and no feline features yet.

Christopher Nolan – Next to Mickey Rourke’s makeup department, accepting Heath Ledger’s award was the hardest job of the night.

Colin Farrell – ‘memba him?! It’s amazing how sleeping with half of Hollywood, rehab and starring in a string of bombs will humble a guy.

Maggie Gyllenhaal – She really does all she can with what she’s got. No offense, but it’s true.

Laura Linney – Is she contractually bound to have her hair, skin, makeup and dress all match?

Elizabeth Banks – or was it Julie Benz … or Kristin Bell or …

Seth Rogen — #1 in his class at the Judd Apatow Beauty School for Character Actors Who Want to Be Leading Men.

Alec Baldwin – Since when does he call his “thoughtless little pig” by her birth name?

Jeremy Piven – Mercury poisoning is the new exhaustion. Leave your rickety mom at home. She’s tired!

Renee Zellweger – The lost Mandrell sister surfaces. The Sharon Stone Torch of Red Carpet Crazy has officially been passed on. From the Julia Roberts “Charlie Wilson’s War” hair, to the sheer madness of the bodice to the Morticia Addams skirt, Renee has completely lost it..

Megan Fox – If she were really a tranny she’d be dating Eddie Murphy not David Silver.

Glenn Close – The outfit was perfect — if Bea Arthur was starring in a Bollywood musical about Liberace’s life! She better sue her stylist for punitive Damages.

David Duchovny – As far as I could tell, he did not have sex with anyone at the show, but love that he mentioned his wife so as to stifle all the breakup rumors.

Tina Fey – In the name of cleavage, Sarah Palin! She is one award show away from wearing a J.Lo dress.

Tracy Morgan – Best acceptance speech next to Sally Hawkins’ epileptic fit. Somebody tell Mariah Carey, Derek Jeter and Tiger Woods they are no longer the faces of post-racial America.

Steven Spielberg – Mysteriously missing from his GG retrospective: Hook and The Terminal. Hmmmmm.

Salma Hayek – Her gushing admiration for gal pal Penelope Cruz made me feel like I was watching an episode of The El Word.

Penelope Cruz – “Vicky Christina Barcelona” is such a good film and its Penelope’s best acting role since playing Tom Cruise’s girlfriend in real life. She was this close to being Suri’s mom. This close. How the hell did she get out of that one?!

Sacha Baron Cohen – Did a Madonna joke actually get more groans than a Holocaust one?! Really? Oy vey!

“Slumdog” actors – It’s great that we now have a couple more talented famous Indian actors in Hollywood like, er, like, um, like, er …. It’s a great movie.

Mickey Rourke – Is it me or did he look like the Cheshire Cat? Now that his career has been exhumed, it should be no time before all those disfigured mutant roles, Rocky Dennis remakes or Michael Myers mask “Halloween” pour in.

Tom Cruise – Bringing your mom to the award is so late ‘90s. I would have thought by now he’d have the fully fuctioning Katie Holmes 3000 replicant up and running to attend these things when the “real” Katie is too busy parading Suri down the streets of Midtown Manhattan.