THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE GAGA FROM THE 2019 OSCARS
The 91st Academy Awards started on the wrong foot months before anyone entered THE MALL that houses the Dolby Theatre. (You didn’t forget that the Oscars are held at a mall, right?!)
The Kevin Hart debacle & deciding to go hostless, all the misfires with the categories, Kendrick Lamar & SZA not performing their nominated song & the vocal dissent of Green Book and Bohemian Rhapsody from the communities they were allegedly trying to represent. It was a disaster waiting to happen and in the end I thought it all came out … just fine.
Here’s the thing, sometimes bad is, at the least, more memorable and, perhaps, better than just fine.
I didn’t really miss having a host and thought things were moving along faster than usual since they nixed the endless montages, skits and inevitable attempts to go viral. I’m talking to you Ellen & NPH.
Even the red carpet was fine. But at the Oscars, we need a statement. We want some drama. We deserve the WOW! While the days of Bjork swan dresses are now relegated to thirsty headline-chasing C-list Deplorables at the Grammys, I’ll take Rachel Weisz‘s red latex American Horror Story over Laura Dern‘s basic ’90s bridesmaid any day. (I still love you, Laura!)
On a positive note, I will say it was fantastic seeing a broader representation of winners, as women and people of color accepted awards in 16 out of 24 categories. And possibly the best line of the night was uttered by 25-year-old Iranian-American filmmaker Rayka Zehtabchi (right) as she accepted the award for Best Documentary Short: “I can’t believe a movie about menstruation just won an Oscar.” Period. End of Sentence, indeed.
1. Adam Lambert – Welcome to the
Grammys Oscars! I am so here for an openly gay man kicking off the Oscars by paying tribute to the body of work of a legendary gay bisexual gay bisexual rock star that was the subject of a huge box office hit under a set adorned with a drag queen’s blonde wig. You betta, werk! Not bad for a guy who came in second on American Idol. Also, watching Allison Janney, Queen Latifah, Javier Bardem, et al. wave their arms in the air is more unity than we’d ever get from any Kevin Hart homophobic tweet monologue.
2. Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph – In the name of the Tina, the Amy and the Holy Maya, save us from the next 3 and a half hours. Also, I have on good authority that Maya is wearing drapes from a Pigeon Forge, Tennessee AirBnB and that’s fine by me!
3. Regina King – Brenda from 227 just did that! Absolutely stunning. Beale Street is gagging!!!
4. Rachel Weisz – Oops she spit in my mouth again! The correct question is not, who are you wearing, (Givenchy!), but, what is your safe word? Forget Vanity Fair or Madonna’s, I want to know what after-party she’s dom topping at?
5. Emma Stone – Never has serving burnt waffles with a failed honey bee colony glaze over a grimy BBQ grill looked so glamorous. So glad she’s not in pants again!
6. Stephan James – Red velvet if you please! Someone DM me when Zara knocks this off. I need this. I don’t have anywhere to wear this, but I will. Winner: Best dressed male.
7. Ruth E. Carter, Hannah Beachler – Black Panther costume & production design winners. Giving us talent, LEWKS and great speeches. Proof that “smaller categories” should not be given out during commercials. And their best is definitely more than enough.
8. Jennifer Lopez – J.Lo has been bringing it to the Academy Awards red carpet since 1997 (right) & she never disappoints. NEVER. People love to bash her acting & singing, but being a mutha fuckin’ STAR is a talent deserving of an honorary Oscar, a biopic and an animated short. And besides, Second Act might have been the most fun I had at the movies this year. Yep, I said it.
9. Chris Evans – I need Chris Evans, his green velvet blazer & this to be a romcom, immediately! What’s that? Oh, snap! Second Act 2 has just been greenlit.
10. Alfonso Cuaron – With three wins for Roma (my favorite film of the year) and two previous wins for Gravity, the Mexican director is building a wall …of Oscar statues. Si se puede!
11. Jennifer Hudson – JHud has an Oscar, 2 Grammys and can blow the roof off the Dolby Theater on any given Sunday. Not bad for someone who came in 7th on Amercian Idol.
12. Brian May – He’s the lead guitarist in Queen, but his hair is straight out of The Favourite. #HouseOfLordsRhapsody
13. Dana Owens – Queen Latifah introducing a movie about lesbian royalty may have been The Favourite moment at every Oscar view party from West Hollywood to Hell’s Kitchen.
14. Angela Bassett & Javier Bardem – She’s Black & 60 & he’s Latin & 50 (on Friday), but they’re both white HOT. Dayum! Ok, but what I want to know is: where was Penelope Cruz? Seriously, do we need to be concerned?
15. Bette Midler – Joy Behar, is that you? 73 & fab-u-lous! The Divine Miss M was Mary Poppin’ out of that dress. Now I need to watch “Otto Titsling” from Beaches , again.
16. Charlize Theron – She’s back, honey and so is her Aeon Flux hair game proper. Mennonite chic. Cult wife glamour. Late 19th century school marm for your nerves. Yes, YES, YAASSS! On anyone else it would be complete and utter failure, but Charlize can do no wrong in my book. Only two more spots left next to J.Lo & Charlize on the Mount Rushmore of Hollywood Fashion. Also, go watch Tully, because you must.
17. Mahershala Ali – And just like that he became the 12th straight star to win an Oscar for playing gay.
18. Michelle Yeoh & Pharrell – The epitome of every straight couple on any date night anywhere in the USA — she’s dressed to the nines and he’s in shorts.
19. Kacey Musgraves & Linda Cardellini -Their colors are blush & bashful. Fresh off the runway of the 1968 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. They both told their stylists they wanted looks that went from day to nightgown. So in that sense it was a success.
20. Gemma Chan – No offense to Crazy Rich Asians, but Angelyne’s duvet is now the funniest thing she’s been in.
21. Mike Myers & Dana Carvey – Oh mama mia, mama mia! This L-Word reboot looks interesting.
22. Diego Luna & Jose Andres – One cooks hot dishes, the other is a hot dish, and they both hate Trump. Dinner is served!
23. Paul Rudd – He’s turning 50 this year and hasn’t aged in 20 years. That’s him in ’99 (right).The male Jennifer Lopez lives!
24. Lady Gaga – Last night she broke the internet! Kidding aside, the Gaga-ssance since 2013’s ArtFlop has been astounding. 2 Super Bowls, 2 Oscar performances, Grammy wins and now her own actual Academy Award. #ForYourConsideration
25. Bradley Cooper – Somewhere in all the Gaga ASIB buzz I forgot he was even nominated for Best Actor. But just like Glenn Close, he has 7 Oscar nominations & 0 wins. If nothing else, at least the “Shallow” duet – reprising the chemistry between Jackson Maine & Ally – was a win.
26. Spike Lee & Barbra Streisand – No sleep til Brooklyn! Also, when one of your Oscars is for Best Song from a previous version of A Star Is Born, but you introduce BlacKkKlansman instead, that’s a read.
27. Rami Malek – Adorable. And just like that he becomes the 13th straight star to win an Oscar for playing LGBT. His speech wasn’t as good as Tom Hanks for Philadelphia, but at least he said: “We made a film about a gay man, an immigrant who lived his life unapologetically as himself.” Mentioning HIV/AIDS, Freddie Mercury by name and for the first time somebody acknowledging the Bryan Singer mess would have quelled at least some of the film’s backlash. But probably not.
28. Olivia Colman – And just like that she becomes the 14th straight star to win an Oscar for playing LGBT. The gasp! The upset! The speech! In a night full of Queens, Olivia ascended her throne & into America’s hearts. My only question, is she truly the lead in The Favourite?
29. Glenn Close …but still so far! I bend the knee to Glenda Veronica of the House of Close, First of her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the 7 Nominations, Lady of the World According to Garp, Protector of The Big Chill and The Natural, Breaker of Fatal Attractions, Dangerous Liaisons & Albert Knobbs, Khaleesi of The Wife, Slayer of Gaga, Mother of Acting, Rightful Heir to the Oscar Throne. Vengence is hers & Winter is coming! #GlennOfThrones
30. Frances McDormand – Her Tony Award-winning denim jacket has been overthrown by her Oscar-presenting Birkenstocks! She’s doesn’t give AF and it’s iconic. Even without a Grammy, give her the EGOT because I can’t stop singing her praises. Putting her next to J.LO & Charlize on the Mount. Don’t be fooled, a FASHION LEGEND walks among us… in sensible shoes!
31. Billy Porter – Category is: YOU OWN EVERYTHANG! Call security and a nurse, because there is a man in a gown on the red carpet & he just slayed the house down boots! This is the drama. This is the statement. This is the WOW we’ve been waiting for. NYC ball culture was honored. History was made. And we all got served! Halloween costume shopping starts now.
32. Cicely Tyson – You guys, Cicely was born in 1924. She is 94. NINETY-FOUR. And she showed up wearing all of this last night to pick up her honorary Oscar. They technically gave it to her in November at the Governors Awards, but this needs to be praised, respected and meditated upon for generations to come. We are not worthy. J.Lo, Charlize, Frances & Cicely. The Mount is now complete.
33. Selma Blair – The 46-year-old walked her first red carpet since revealing her MS diagnosis. Amazing. Please read her Instagram post.
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There are moments that define us. This is one of those indelibly watermarked in my heart. This is #troynankin ; my former publicist turned manager , best friend , and fake husband. We joke. I have become a different woman in the last few years, through struggles and the intense pride of motherhood. @vanityfair has always been a champion of mine, like Troy. And yet, I have not fully realized my capabilities as an actress. I wanted to be at this red carpet to remember my first time attending with a not yet famous friend, @jakegyllenhaal . I believed in him and his career and wanted him there. And this dinner always symbolizes so much. And I kept going because it was always a night in hollywood that was full of hollywood dreams with all the talent present in their glory. I loved to watch. I was invited this year. I am featured in March issue . Thank you @radhikajones @kristasmith @samiranasr #juliemiller @cassblackbird . So this was a streak of light. To say I am here. I am still in an exacerbation so there was some nervousness. I don’t do anything the way I was once able. I will though. I can regain much. Mommas gotta work. And I will be able to do so much more on my own, But this man. Until that comes …This man and a host of others light the way and hold the moon @thetexastroya was a hero. Wanting me to shine brightly in a time that can be so challenging. He knew I wanted to be able to stand proudly as the woman I have become and hope to be. To be a part of something so special when my body won’t move clearly yet. And then I felt the love from the photographers who have watched me goof around on red carpets since I was in my twenties. I felt the warmth of the bulbs. The strength of my gown. His attentive touch. And still I hoped my brain could send signals for the remainder of my time there. And I sobbed. And I appreciated every single second. Every surprising tear, he was there. As he has always been. And that is the reason I could. Thank you Troy. We got me just where I wanted to be. For a night. And I later pushed my way into a family photo with @dianaross (omg) . So much to post but not before this one. True love. Right here. Forever.
34. Julia Roberts – Gorgeous woman! Fun fact: If you present Best Picture you are Hollywood royalty & Julia was the first solo female presenter of Best Picture since Barbra Streisand in ’91. That was 28 years ago. Seriously WTF, Academy?! And are we sure there wasn’t another Warren Beatty/Faye Dunaway LA LA Land/Moonlight mix up? Are we sure it said Green Book? Where’s the envelope? Did Jussie Smollett send it? Recount!
35. Madonna & Lady Gaga – If you haven’t heard, there is now gay world peace, Trump is no longer president, universal healthcare is the law of the land and Jake Gyllenhaal finally received his Oscar for Nightcrawler. Sleep well, Earthlings. Don’t @ me. Good night!