2019 GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS RECAP
We’ve seen fear take over our country & politics and it has now come to award shows as shown by Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh’s resistance to make any biting jokes at this year’s Golden Globes.
I feel that fear as well.
Are we allowed to make fun of things anymore? Will I be labeled a troll or a “hater?” Are fashion critiques in poor taste when so much real ugliness is happening around the world, at our border or down your street?
These are things that I have asked myself and why I haven’t really written a recap in almost two years.
But I decided to resist & not give in to that fear. We can walk and chew gum at the same time. We can give our attention to the important stuff & still enjoy the nonsense. In fact the nonsense is now called mental health. Thank you, Real Housewives, Hallmark movies and, yes, even perhaps, award show recaps.
I hope you enjoy my lighthearted take on this year’s Globes. If you don’t, please feel free to call me out on social media … because I could really use the followers!
Sandra Oh – I watched six episodes of Killing Eve on a flight from Miami and loved it almost as much as Sandra’s shout-out to her parents, her emotional words on the historic diversity moment and her
opening monologue red Versace tux dress.
Andy Samberg – On a scale of 1 to 10, lame Ruth Chris Steakhouse jokes aside, he was a Brooklyn Nine point Nine. “Lazy Sunday” Samberg has officially leveled up.
Lady Gaga -Blue hair. Body. Face. Poor Ally, this time Jackson Maine didn’t piss all over her award show moment, but Glenn Close did! So many gays are mad that the Globes didn’t give Gaga an acting award for A Star Is Born, but I’m still mad that the Globes gave Gaga an acting award for American Horror Story: Hotel. Kidding aside, I thought she was good in ASIB & the music was great. But her Cinderalla at the Met Gala prom look was not. Fear not little monsters, the song Oscar is hers to lose.
Glenn Close – In the name of Alex Forrest, Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil & Albert Knobbs, Ms. Close is finally ready for her Oscar close-up! She really is that good in The Wife. An acting powerhouse whose time is long overdue & that acceptance speech may have just solidified it. Take the Fatal Attraction reunion kiss with Michael Douglas as proof that Glenn won’t be ignored this year.
Bradley Cooper – de plane, de plane! Not exactly sure if he’s Mr. Rourke or Tattoo in that ice cream man white tux, but if you had told me in 2001 that the guy on Alias would one day become one of the industry’s most esteemed actors (and now) director, I’d say that was some sinister Fantasy Island shit.
Danai Gurira, Michael B. Jordan & Lupita Nyong’o – Wakanda Forever but cancel the CW, because this is the Dynasty reboot I want to see. Hey Netflix, I’ve found your new Alexis, Blake & Krystle Carrington.
Ben Whishaw & Mark Ronson – For the love of Propecia, this is what I call hair porn.
Jamie Lee Curtis – Activa does the body good! Laurie Strode murdered Michael Myers and turned into… Brigitte Nielsen?! Oh and Ben Stiller, call me!
Patricia Arquette – Escape at Dannemora is a painfully slow burn that often times feels like a prison sentence, but so worth it for Patty’s insane performance. She’s unrecognizable & deserves everything!
Steve Carell – No joke, ain’t nothing funny about how good he looks. Steve Carell can get it. Thoughts & prayers for Welcome to Marwen.
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 7, 2019
Carol Burnett – If there’s one thing our divided shitshow of a nation can agree on is that we all love Carol. And while the word is thrown around so easily these days, CB truly is ICONIC.
Idris Elba & Taylor Swift – This is how you piss off Trump supporters. Their film adaptation of Cats is how you will piss off the entire country… now & forever!
Regina King – Her career is on fire, she’s never looked better and that inspiring don’t-you-dare-cue-the-orchestra acceptance speech! It’s Brenda from 227‘s world and we all just living in it.
Megan Mullally – I think Karen has been drinking from the Jennifer Lopez & Sandra Bullock fountain of youth. You go with your 60-year-old bad self Anastasia Beaverhausen! And hey, Kristen Bell.
Debra Messing – Hurry & grab a blinfold because this dress may be the closest we’ll ever get to seeing what the creatures in Bird Box looked like.
Mahershala Ali – With all the Green Book controversy, at least he doesn’t have to apologize for great acting.
Amy Poehler & Maya Rudolph– How many homophobic tweets does a girl have to have to get to host the Oscars?
Felicity Huffman – Looking like Brad Pitt-era Aniston!
Patricia Clarkson – So glad she won, but she should have also thanked closed captioning subtitles for allowing the world to figure out exactly what she was saying throughout her drunken southern drawl whispering in Sharp Objects.
Saoirse Ronan – Love her in everything, especially this custom made Gucci number!
Christian Bale – Props for that speech & while he is the ultimate shape shifter, everyone knows there’s only one person who can convincingly play Mitch McConnell …
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Alfonso Cuaron – I loved Roma but I’m so mad I saw it on Netlfix and not on the big screen. I’m still thinking about it. And for those in the back, Cuaron’s the Oscar-winning Mexican director that didn’t make The Revenant or Birdman. That’s Alejandro Inarittu. Got it? Ok, gracias!
Darren Criss – He was fantastic as Andrew Cunanan in Versace, loved that he showed his Filipina mom some love & he is a great LGBT ally. All that being said, I think the loud jacket trend is officially over. Please send cards and letters to Carson Kressly, Ryan Murphy (above) & all your fabulous gay wedding guests.
Jeff Bridges – Congrats on the Cecil B. DeMille award. Now please take a moment of silence to pay your respects to Jeff in Against All Odds. #NeverForget
Emily Blunt & John Krasinski – I want to be John Krasinski’s beard. This is not a jab at Emily. I literally want to pack up and live inside his beard! That is my Quiet Place. So damn hot.
Halle Berry & Lena Waithe – The new Hollywood Power couple! The only thing hotter than these two together is that Boomerang promo. We see you, Keith Urban!
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 7, 2019
The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story – I make fun of a lot of Ryan Murphy’s shows for often going off the rails, but hearing how so many younger gays (& straights!) learned a little bit of what life was like in the homophobic ’90s by watching this show really pressed upon me the importance of having his voice & power in the industry to tell these stories. Plus executive producer Brad Simpson’s speech is everything. “Resist in the street & resist at the ballot box, but live with love and empathy in our everyday lives.”
Olivia Coleman – I wish The Favourite was my favorite, but at least Olivia’s endearing speech was.
Janelle Monae – No, she’s not in If Beale Street Could Talk (although she introduced it) but I would see her in anything … well, except Welcome to Marwen.
Rami Malek – His fake teeth are no longer the most awkward thing about Bohemian Rhapsody. That distinction now goes to Malek and producer Graham King’s acceptance speeches as they purposely avoided acknowledging any of the movie’s gayness, i.e. disgraced director Bryan Singer. Oh mamma mia!
Nicole Kidman – She can do no wrong, the same does not go for her stylist who was the real Destroyer by having that inexplicable black bow ruin her sleek merlot Michael Kors gown. Now if she would just loan Keith Urban one of her award-worthy wigs, we could all be saved from yet another sighting of his 2005 flat ironed & highlighted L-word bangs.
Billy Porter – Diva to the dance floor, please! Category is: Andre Leon Talley meets a matador at game night at Liberace’s house realness. Tens. Tens. Tens across the board.
Stephan James – Lawd have mercy! Black velvet if you please …and for your nerves! He is snatched! Swoon.
Timothee Chalamet – Is he heading to Dancing with the Stars? Or Ice Capades? Wherever he’s going, I’m following. If that’s a sequined harness, then call me by your safe word. Sequined bib? Then Beautiful Boy, indeed.
Cody Fern – Sheer & heels and smoky eyes, oh my. I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m confused. I’m obsessed. I’m here for all of it. The Versace & House of Cards actor just showed the world how to nonchalantly Werk & Serve & Face. Consider this the new uniform at Conde Nast. Sometimes when you break the rules, you make new ones. She’ll never admit it, but somewhere in the Scottish highlands, Tilda Swinton is staring at a white wall & smiling.
Chris Messina – So I guess I am into blondes now. Move over Hemsworth, Pratt, Evans & Pine, there’s a new Chris in town. With one dye job, he’s gone from everyone’s wannabe boyfriend to fuckboy.
Ricky Martin – Speaking of wannabe boyfriends & fuckboys, hola papi.
Charlize Theron – This is Charlize on the red carpet. This is also Charlize picking up a few essentials at Rite Aid. And this is Charlize when she wakes up in the morning. This is Charlize. Classic. Exquisite. Perfection. Movie Star.
Julia Roberts – Did you really think the most famous film actress in the world would attend an award show where she’s nominated for a television role and actually wear a gown?! Tonight was business casual for Jules & she looked flawless.
Elisabeth Moss – Praise be that a little black dress never goes out of Scientolostyle.
Thank U, Next.