Award Shows | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

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No wonder Justin Bieber looked so familiar at the iHeartRadio Music Awards last night.

10 Things Learned Watching the 88th Annual Academy Awards:

1. It’s apparently absolutely acceptable to joke about the same topic for over 210 minutes.

2. Stacey Dash bombed so hard, the US should consider using her for ISIS drone strikes.

3. So even if you have the best of intentions & address a topic no one else had so far that night, and have the nerve to admit you may be inadvertently misquoting someone during your unexpected acceptance speech, The Gays will eat their own and come for blood. You have been warned. The Writings on the Tweet.

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4. Steven Spielberg has cast his wife Kate Capshaw in the latest Conjuring/Annabelle sequel. #SheBangs

5. In the wake Antonin Scalia’s death, Whoopi Goldberg has very subtlely thrown her name into the Supreme Court Judge nomination ring.

6. Just because you are nominated for a song Oscar doesn’t mean you can’t OVERACT. FOR. YOUR. LIIIIIIFE!

7. From now on, Charlize Theron shall only be addressed as Charice QUEEN.

8. In the Zero Fucks Given category, Frances McDormand’s Tony-winning denim jacket has been usurped by Mad Max costume design winner Jenny Beavan’s Sons of Anarchy motorcycle chic. I hope she made it safely back to the Shire.

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9. Ellen’s 2014 pizza delivery > Chris Rock’s Tagalongs > NPH‘s 2015 briefcase debacle

10. If Leonardo DiCaprio were a woman, we’d be saying he officially has everything … except a spouse. But he isn’t, so we won’t.

This year’s White Oscars are over. Since I’m not about to get into a political argument over Hollywood’s biggest night – that’s what your Facebook feed is for – here are my two cents on some of the show’s biggest highlights.

Enjoy!

Chris Rock – On a very special episode of The Oscars …

Emily Blunt – Nothing against her at all, but shame on the Academy for making any mere mortal – let alone a pregnant woman – present next to QUEEN Charlize.

Charlize Theron – According to Chris, she’s “whiter” than Emily Blunt, but don’t forget she’s also the first African woman to win Best Actress. #QUEEN

Sam Smith – Everyone simmer down! He’s not the first openly gay man to win. He misquoted Ian McKellan who was referring to there being no openly gay ACTING winners (Kevin Spacey, Joel Grey, even John Gielgud were not out at the time of their win.) Elton John, Scott Rudin, Dustin Lance Black etc .. are not acting winners. Sam even mentioned he might have the quote wrong in his speech. Regardless, he said something good about the gay community. Can’t we be happy about that? I know we live in the ‘attack & tweet’ era but breathe, chilrins, breathe. He’s on our side, even if he did rob Mother Monster (or, perhaps the 2 non-pop star nominees who didn’t get to sing their songs!). Oh and if you ask me (which you didn’t but imma tell you any way) Dustin Lance Black‘s catty tweet probably says more about him than 23-year-old Smith.

Kerry Washington – From the looks of her gladiator Kevlar®, she’s at war … with her stylist.

Henry Cavill – Swoon. Superman has never looked so dashing. SLAY me, Daddy.

Alicia Vikander – She deserved the Oscar … for Ex-Machina.

Cate Blanchett – ICON. Thank God someone took a risk. Love it or hate it, it’s a LEWK and she pulled it off like no one else could. Also, she’s the new Meryl.

Margot Robbie – Move over Blanche Deveraux, there’s a sexy new Golden Girl in town. Not content with taking over Jaime Pressly’s identity, she now appears to be gunning for Michelle Monaghan’s. Career Suicide Squad.

Jared Leto – So I’m assuming ’70s wedding groomsmen is now an actual thing in Bushwick/Echo Park/all of SanFran.

Rachel McAdams – She really is BACK!

Michael B. Jordan – LAWD HAVE MERCY! Please tell me the B stands for what I hope it does! No? Dammit!

Andy Serkis – Gollum looked precious. And by precious I mean coked out of his mind.

The Chilean winning directors – Gabriel Vargas (left) & Pato Escala (right) won for something or other. But more importantly “pato” means duck in Spanish. It’s also a derogatory term for gay. But I’ll take it. I mean if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck …

The Weeknd – As long as he’s not singing “Can’t Feel My Face” in a Carhartt jacket then it’s all good.

Kate Winslet – Flawless. I HATED Titanic,  but I LOVE all of this/them.

Mark Rylance – If he goes missing after snatching Best Supporting Actor, check Stallone’s trunk. That is, if you can even recognize him.

Sly Stallone – I didn’t realize he was married to Caitlyn BFF Candis Cayne.

Louis CK – Host of the 2017 Academy Awards.

Sharmeen Obaid-Chinay – “Good thing I have two of these.” Even without that read, she gave the best speech of the night after noting her best documentary short, A Girl In the River, is changing laws (honor killings!) in Pakistan. FYI, I think that luxe embroidered cloak cost more than a Honda Civic.

Dev Patel – From Slumdog to the Indian Adam Driver. The Hotness Awakens.

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Academy President Cheryl Boone-Isaacs –  We like you. We really, really like you!

Dave Grohl – Why it gotta be a “Blackbird?”

Jacob Tremblay & Kevin Hart – Adorable!

Sofia Vergara – The best chyron/fun fact of the night: Sofia Vergara co-starred with Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon in Hot Pursuit. #shade  Question: If Sofia Vergara doesn’t wear a mermaid dress, is it really Sofia Vergara?

Costume designer Sandy Powell – This is not Tilda Swinton despite all of Kris Jenner & Giuliana‘s hooting & hollering on E! But it could very well be yet another Lady Gaga Bowie tribute.

Lady Gaga – Just sing. Powerful song. Powerful message. Powerful visual. Powerful voice. Just sing.

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But it was respectful of her to honor the 25th anniversary of Madonna‘s Sooner or Later performance from the 1991 Oscars. Brava.

Common – #OscarsSoRight

Alejandro Inarritu – Two years in a row. 4 Oscars total. 7 nominations. With Cuaron’s win for Gravity in 2014, that makes it the third straight year a Mexican filmmaker has taken home Best Director. (Mexican cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki also won 3 times in a row) Yet that’s still not enough to stop the band from drowning out your speech — which just happened to be about race and skin color. Where’s Leo when you really need him?!

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Saoirse Ronan – Gorgeous! She was giving Heather Locklear/Sammy Jo Carrington in Dynasty and that is always a win.

Brie Larson – She won an Oscar and hugged every one of Gaga’s abuse survivors. The new Jennifer Lawrence has been crowned. And as an added bonus, she’s almost as pretty as boyfriend Alex Greenwald. How you doin’?

Matt Damon & Luciana Barroso – It must get annoying being constantly referred to as Matt Damon’s wife. But I guess it beats still slinging cocktails at a bar in South Beach.

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Leo DiCaprio  – It’s about time he finally got the respect he’s deserved. And just like Winslet, he didn’t win for the role he should have. I’d imagine pretending to like Kirk Cameron is a lot harder than wrestling a CGI bear in the wilds of Argentina .

Jake GyllenhaalBrokeback. End of Watch. Prisoners. Enemy. Nightcrawler. If you ask me, we’ve already found Leo’s award snub successor … and my future hubs!

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Jonathan Herman – Quick shout out to my longtime pal for his nomination for writing Straight Out of Compton. He didn’t technically win (Spotlight took it), but he did. Plus sitting between Tobey Maguire & JJ Abrams ain’t too shabby.

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With five truly unbelievable performances, it’s such a tight race this year.

#Oscars

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Hipster high-priestess Lana Del Rey was giving us landlady sadness as she arrived to the Brit Awards in her best Three’s Company Mrs. Roper drag.

#MuuMuuPrada.

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The Spice Girl formerly known as Ginger has never looked better.

Geri Halliwell, 43, (left) showed up to the Brit Awards on Wednesday looking even younger than she did at the music gala in 1997 (right).

It’s amazing how much chunk stripes, drag makeup and a Dynasty gown can age a gal.

#SpiceUpYourLife

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10 Things Learned Watching the 58th Annual Grammy Awards:

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1. Thanks to Taylor Swift & Ciara‘s W Hotel cabana chic, pool cover-ups are the new black.

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2. A bizarre terrorist cell made of Victoria Jackson/Jenna Elfman “Dharma” weave caliphates have infiltrated the country music industry. Save yourselves, Nashville!

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3. Sorry Little Monsters, but Annie Lennox should have done the David Bowie tribute and saved us from this Elvis meets Bette Midler/C.C. Bloom “Oh Industry” outtake from Beaches.

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4. Adele is human, but she’ll set fire to the rain … & anyone who fucks up her musical performance. As far as styling, the mother of the bride gowns really need to stop!

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5. Best performance goes to Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood his tight white t-shirt. The 31-year-old was head and shoulders (and ARMS!) above the rest. Yaaaaas, Hunty!

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6. Wynonna Judd looks amazing. Oops! As penance for “All About the Bass,” Meghan Trainor has entered the Witness Protection Program.

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7. The lead singer of Alabama Shakes is also the guy from Digital Underground. #HumptyDance

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8. If he loses any more weight, Sam Smith is going to have to change his name to John Doe.

9. The only thing not moved by that Lionel Richie musical tribute was his face.

10. Robin Thicke & Pitbull – The sequel no one asked for:  A Night at the Roxbury 2: Electric Shit-aloo.

With so many lethargic numbers – save for Kendrick Lamar’s passionate performance & Lady Gaga‘s cuckoo bird SNL sketch – you wouldn’t have known last night’s Grammy Awards were actually live on the West Coast for the first time.

In between the red carpet and the latest round in the Taylor Swift -Kanye West publicity fight, here are a few other things that made me sit up and take notice. Enjoy!

Ariana Grande –  Sofia Vergara for GapKids.

The Weeknd – His Ex-Machina humanoid girlfriend Bella Hadid had more life than his performance.

Rihanna couldn’t make it so she sent her Snuggy-wrapped understudy Andra Day instead.

Ellie Goulding – Did you know Jenner Lips™ are now available for natural blondes too?

Pharrell Williams – Sisqo is alive and well.

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Stevie Wonder – Somehow he got roped into hosting The Hunger Games in the Capitol.

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Justin Bieber – Despite the douchey face pubes, the douchey animal print Jwoww outerwear, the douchey flexing poses and even his insistence of trying to make those douchey Michael Flatley Riverdance moves a thing, I’d still hit it. I fully realize I am part of the problem.

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Lady Gaga – She BEWITCHED us all.

Johnny Depp, Joe Perry & Alice Cooper – Ever since prison, Teresa Giudice and the rest of the Real Housewives of New Jersey are looking rough. On a related note, remember to watch this week’s intense episode of The Walking Dead.

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Mark Ronson – This 40-year-old hipster can GET IT. All of it!

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Zendaya – No Patchouli oil and weed tonight, because her freshly blown out mullet is giving you former ’80s child star for the gawds! #WeaveAreTheyNow

Tove Lo – More like Tove NO.  Septum piercings are perfect for when an exposed tat and a gown aren’t awful enough.

attends The 58th GRAMMY Awards at Staples Center on February 15, 2016 in Los Angeles, California.

James Bay – Apparently he was attending the Pennsylvania Dutch Grammys.

Florence Welch – Sorry James Bay, but the Amish are so 2015. Everyone knows it’s all about being a Fundamentalist Cult Wife now! Even Lena Dunham is doing it, so it’s gotta be a thing.

Beyonce –  Contrary to conservative outcries, she went all white.

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Britney Spears – No, she wasn’t anywhere near the Grammys, but ask yourself: Where were you nine years ago today? May she rest.

 

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In the name of the Pia, and of the Madonna and of the Holy Gaga.

Thanks be to the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Amen.

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With the Golden Globes this weekend, Hollywood will most likely play it safe for the show’s annual red carpet on Sunday.

But on Saturday, it seemed the film and TV elite gave their stylists a much needed night off and were left to their own devices to attend the wardrobe & weave malfunction-palooza that was the Art of Elysium gala.

While the event did honor avant garde fashion legend Vivienne Westwood, these B-list stars – and Johnny Depp – just looked downright strange.

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1. Juliette Lewis – As the Megyn Kelly of Scientology (aka the one you excuse for her affiliation with a batshit crazy org), I fully support whatever role on Once Upon a Time she’s trying to land. #XenuPrincess

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2. Amber Heard & Johnny Depp prove that despite their combined fortunes, box office flops and 23-year age gap, it’s still a very thin line between Hollywood hipster couple and Real Housewives of New Jersey cast. #fuggeddaboutit

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3. Kaley Cuoco and sister Briana Cuoco – Forget what she’s wearing (no, really!), because  I bet many of us have never really realized just how much visibility the Big Bang Theory star is bringing to non-white actors everywhere. #OITNB

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4. Zendaya – Isn’t it better to have your weave smell like patchouli oil and weed than Rite-Aid sale rack?! #WigInABag

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5. Malin Ackerman – With Madonna causing a scene across town at Sean Penn‘s Haiti benefit, Malin stood in for the Material Mom by donning her best “Express Yourself” wig drag. Don’t go for second best baby!

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6. Ed Westwick – I think the Gossip Girl star was drugged, because how else do you explain the Cosby sweater suit & the highlighted tips?! #ChessKing

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7. Christina Hendricks is giving you Mia Farrow at the AVN Porn Awards realness. #FreeSoonYi

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8. Bella Thorne – It’s obvious she drank the Vivienne Westwood purple Kool-Aid. Unfortunately, this teenage Cuban-American Disney princess is about as punk rock as Green Day.

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9. Paz Vega – At some point in the last decade, the Spanglish star (‘memba that?!) transitioned from Penelope Cruz’s twin into Anne Hathaway’s. #AyDiosMio

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10. Raven-Symone has never looked so good! DAYUM! Oh wait, it’s actually Christina Milian. Carry on.

Stay tuned for the Golden Globes recap … perhaps.

 

Here are 15 Things learned from barely watching the 2015 MTV VMAs.

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 30:  Host Miley Cyrus, styled by Simone Harouche, performs onstage during the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards at Microsoft Theater on August 30, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by John Shearer/Getty Images)

  1. With snatched weaves, beat faces and tacky dresses, it was all about Miley Cyrus’ drag queen posse.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage

2. Which hopefully means we are nearing the end of the reign of Kim Kardashian’s drag queen posse.

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3. In keeping with the RuPaul theme, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift did their best to lip synch for their lives!

Nomi Malone realness!

Nomi Malone realness!

4. For some unknown reason, the night’s red carpet was sponsored by Showgirls. How else to explain why so many paid homage to Nomi Malone? #Goddess

Britney5. Eight years after imploding live on the VMA stage, Britney Spears returned looking lucid, animated and able to woodenly read a teleprompter again. Sadly, there weren’t enough meds – or conservators – in the world to remove that God-awful navel piercing. #LeaveBritneysBellyAlone

4860309366. Contractually bound for life, forced to appear in mind-numbing propaganda videos and sworn allegiance to an egomaniacal leader, Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” squad is like Scientology repurposed for leggy millennial supermodels & assorted B-list actresses. Tay’s next concert stop is sure to feature a duet with Xenu.

Weeknd7. The Weeknd has some serious love for the Jacksons. His oversized jacket and unruly weave was giving us straight up “Control”-era Janet, while the pyrotechnics were a 911-call away from igniting him ala Michael‘s doomed Pepsi commercial. I can’t feel my face … because it’s melting!

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

8.Kristen Stewart Justin Bieber proved he’s just like every other drunk girl on a Saturday night. He first went to DryBar, then danced & cried. Now all he needs is the morning-after pill.

Kylie_Nicki9. Kylie Jenner is transitioning too … into Nicki Minaj!

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

10. Scary realization #1: It’s a fact, Rebel Wilson is no longer funny.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage And Audience

11. Scary realization #2: At 43, Jared Leto could potentially be the biological father of most of the night’s performers and nominees.  Breed me, Jordan Catalano!

Who dat?

Who dat?

12. Scary realization #3: With so many of these new pop babies & YouTube toddlers running amok on stage, I’m actually relieved when I see a Kardashian, if for no other reason than that they’re recognizable.

Happy Hunger Games!

Happy Hunger Games, Yeezy!

13. He looked like he was dressed for The Reaping, so screw the presidency, I nominate Kanye West as Tribute. #BipartisanSupport

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Pepsi Stage - Fixed Show14. Thanks to Demi Lovato, Iggy Azalea’s face is no longer the only thing getting work.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet15. In retrospect, it’s amazing how normal Miley turned out.

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They are 45-year-old divorced mothers of twins, New York native pop divas with a penchant for honey blonde horse weaves, who have sat behind the judge’s table on American Idol and starred in two of the worst movies of the last fifteen years to begin with the letter G, so Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez have a lot more in common besides utter disdain for the other.

Looking like the repurposed cover of her 1998 greatest hits album, My Little Pony and Tamar Braxton going as Ariana Grande for Halloween, a version of Mimi was meticulously cropped onto the front of her brand new record #1 to Infinity striking a cleavage-baring, leggy pose similar to the one J.Lo flawlessly executed – in the actual flesh – at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday.

These photos prove both are unreal.