Miley Cyrus | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

 

Here are 15 Things learned from barely watching the 2015 MTV VMAs.

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 30:  Host Miley Cyrus, styled by Simone Harouche, performs onstage during the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards at Microsoft Theater on August 30, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by John Shearer/Getty Images)

  1. With snatched weaves, beat faces and tacky dresses, it was all about Miley Cyrus’ drag queen posse.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage

2. Which hopefully means we are nearing the end of the reign of Kim Kardashian’s drag queen posse.

486061684

3. In keeping with the RuPaul theme, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift did their best to lip synch for their lives!

Nomi Malone realness!

Nomi Malone realness!

4. For some unknown reason, the night’s red carpet was sponsored by Showgirls. How else to explain why so many paid homage to Nomi Malone? #Goddess

Britney5. Eight years after imploding live on the VMA stage, Britney Spears returned looking lucid, animated and able to woodenly read a teleprompter again. Sadly, there weren’t enough meds – or conservators – in the world to remove that God-awful navel piercing. #LeaveBritneysBellyAlone

4860309366. Contractually bound for life, forced to appear in mind-numbing propaganda videos and sworn allegiance to an egomaniacal leader, Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” squad is like Scientology repurposed for leggy millennial supermodels & assorted B-list actresses. Tay’s next concert stop is sure to feature a duet with Xenu.

Weeknd7. The Weeknd has some serious love for the Jacksons. His oversized jacket and unruly weave was giving us straight up “Control”-era Janet, while the pyrotechnics were a 911-call away from igniting him ala Michael‘s doomed Pepsi commercial. I can’t feel my face … because it’s melting!

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

8.Kristen Stewart Justin Bieber proved he’s just like every other drunk girl on a Saturday night. He first went to DryBar, then danced & cried. Now all he needs is the morning-after pill.

Kylie_Nicki9. Kylie Jenner is transitioning too … into Nicki Minaj!

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

10. Scary realization #1: It’s a fact, Rebel Wilson is no longer funny.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage And Audience

11. Scary realization #2: At 43, Jared Leto could potentially be the biological father of most of the night’s performers and nominees.  Breed me, Jordan Catalano!

Who dat?

Who dat?

12. Scary realization #3: With so many of these new pop babies & YouTube toddlers running amok on stage, I’m actually relieved when I see a Kardashian, if for no other reason than that they’re recognizable.

Happy Hunger Games!

Happy Hunger Games, Yeezy!

13. He looked like he was dressed for The Reaping, so screw the presidency, I nominate Kanye West as Tribute. #BipartisanSupport

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Pepsi Stage - Fixed Show14. Thanks to Demi Lovato, Iggy Azalea’s face is no longer the only thing getting work.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet15. In retrospect, it’s amazing how normal Miley turned out.

miley_mom
Miley Cyrus won breast dressed at the 2014 amfAR LA Inspiration Gala on Wednesday.

Barely wearing a Tom Ford gown, the 21-year-old posed alongside Real Housewives of Orange County star her birth mother Tish Cyrus at the star-studded event at Milk Studios in Hollywood.

The 47-year-old was there to give Miley all the support she so desperately needed.

The mother of five must be so proud.

VMAs Things learned watching the 31st Annual MTV Video Music Awards:

1. Sway is still fully employed … at least twice a year.

2. Nicki Minaj almost had the worst wardrobe malfunction of the night, second only to fashion fail queen Katy Perry.

3. A Groupon to DryBar does not a pop star make, MTV please stop trying to make Becky G & Fifth Harmony happen. #fetch

4. The VMAs need to always be held in New York (and air live for the West Coast!). Maroon 5 in The Forum parking lot just can’t compare to Katy Perry singing under the Brooklyn Bridge or Taylor Swift performing on a moving subway train.

fifth_harmony

5. Chelsea Handler, Gwen Stefani and Kim Kardashian should star in The Injectables 3.

6. Twerking is dead. This year it’s all about co-opting homeless models.

7. With all these unsupervised childrens running amok on the red carpet, JLO came to school them all into submission …and perhaps find a new lover.

chelsea

8. TRESemme hair products, apparently, go with everything … even extremely awkward and quick Robin Williams tributes.

9. The world is going through some crazy shit right now with Ebola, Ferguson, Gaza, droughts and most horrifying … the upcoming Dumb & Dumber sequel!

10. SHE once again answered the question: Who Runs The World?

Holy Bey

With a generation growing up watching Idol, X-Factor, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, Rising Star, the pop stars of today may know how to lip synch but they’ve forgotten how to PERFORM … as proven by this year’s litany of dud numbers. ‘Memba Madonna rolling around in a wedding dress to Like a Virgin or her incomparable Marie Antoinette Vogue masterpiece or even Britney’s so-bad-its-good Gimme More career implosion? The millennial wannabes of today need to stop taking selfies and get back to workin’ on their show game!

madonna-brit

Ariana Grande – Inglewood, we have a Problem … GapKids should not have an S&M collection! Thank God she can actually sing, otherwise we might have had to put her sleepy dance moves and My Little Pony hair extension out to pasture.

ariana

Nicki Minaj – Three performances in under two hours! Nobody’s worked their butt that hard since Jenna Jameson.

Jessie J – I had no idea The Good Wife could sing like that! Nicki_sides

Snoop Dogg & Gwen Stefani – Look y’all, bonafide pop stars in the house!

Katy ‘Always Gets It Wrong’ Perry – The best thing to come from her emulating Britney & Justin’s infamous denim ensembles from the 2001 American Music Awards was that we weren’t subjected to what she would have worn had she been left to her own devices again. This Is How We Don’t.

Lorde – Darlene Conner, is that you?

Katy_britney

Taylor Swift – Forum renovation or not, this is the first and last time you will see her in Inglewood. Shake It Off, strong enough for the radio but made for a hair commercial.

Jason Derulo & Jordin Sparks – Kim & Kanye’s stand-ins.

Kim_Kanye

Becky G & MTV host Christina Garabaldi – Wouldn’t their time be better spent accepting a rose from a Bachelor or something?

Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels – Where’s Common ushering a moment of silence when you need him?

jim_carrey

Kim Kardashian – Showing off two big boobs — sisters Kendall & Kylie!

Kendall & Kylie – The first graduates of The Taylor Swift Dance Academy For Annoying Award Show Attendees.

Kardashians

Sam Smith – They call him the male Adele, not just for the amazing voice but because he too suffers from Progeria! He’s only 22! Taylor Lautner is OLDER than him.

Adam_Sam

Crazy Eyes, Laverne Cox & Taylor Schilling – Orange Is The New … Destiny’s Child? Look quick and it’s Kelly Rowland, Beyonce and the white Michelle Williams.

Usher – His next single should just be called Suit & Tie.

Nina Dobrev – I woke up like this! No, really, did you see her hair?

taylor-schilling-435

Austin Mahone – Gwen Stefani’s future lover … or Sam Smith’s.

Chloe Grace Moretz – In another homage to 2001 fashion, she was in Elle Woods drag.

2014 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

5 Seconds Of Summer – Can you say OVER-STYLED? Not even KISS wears that much man product! Since Labor Day is in a week, does that mean they’ll go away then? Makes me nostalgic for the good ole days of One Direction & The Wanted.

5 seconds

Iggy Azalea – Arrival dress by SammyJo Carrington. Hair & makeup by ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Accent by rapper Eve, Rosie Perez and her own affectation.

Rita Ora – She normally looks like a cross between Gwen Stefani and Rihanna, but during her Black Widow performance she was all about channeling Mini Britney.

mini_britney Rita-Sides

Adam Levine – ‘Wait the hot guy on The Voice is in a band called Maroon 5?’ – said every teen girl in America.

Jennifer Lopez – Tens, tens, tens across the board! No one bought her last record (although it’s actually pretty good) but she’s still the hottest 45 around!

jennifer-lopez-290

Miley Cyrus – I’m all for her championing a good cause, but she should leave the waterworks theatrics for the Ice Bucket challenge.

Miley

Beyonce – After a chorus of amateur opening acts, SHE reminded us there was time when the VMAs were filled with memorable, elaborate and properly executed performances. The Church of Beyonce is calling on you to prey. I hope all the pop toddlers sitting in the audience took out their BLUE books (is there an app for that?)  and LEARNED because you can’t figure out how to be a true STAR on the Internets or on a televised karaoke show! Flawless.

Jay-Z – Hova must have re-signed the contracts and made his penance otherwise he’s gonna see a billion dollars go down in an elevator!

Jay-Z

Solange – No she wasn’t sitting next to Jigga, Blue Ivy and Kelly Rowland in the audience, but that’s only because Bey was the last performer and the cleaning crew had to start immediately.

And now on to Emmy Monday …

AMAs
Things learned watching the 41st Annual American Music Awards:

  1. Pitbull actually knows a few more words than just “305,” “Mr. Worldwide” or “Dale!”. A few. Un poquito.
  2. I need Justin Timberlake’s navy tuxedo and his Brazilian blowout.
  3. There was one thing weirder & more random than having Bill Maher introduce Rihanna … having her mother present the ICON award. Sweet but completely bizarre.
  4. With the hipster/folk rock explosion at Defcon 1 levels, now the only things differentiating One Direction from Mumford & Sons or The Lumineers are hair dryers and Aqua Net.
  5. Katy Perry’s performance was unbelievable … for taking insensitive cultural appropriation to new levels, & telling young girls to love their man unconditionally — like a docile, subservient prostitute. Konichiwa, Katy Kats!
  6. Lady Gaga & R. Kelly are not Sonny & Cher … do what you want with your bodies but leave the variety show numbers alone!
  7. On the other hand, The Jennifer Lopez Variety Hour is something I would definitely watch. Wepa!
  8. First gay rights and now racism, Macklemore & Lewis are like an LMFAO Afterschool Special in the making. And that’s one to grow on.
  9. R.I.P. TLC.
  10. Miley Cyrus struck the perfect balance every female pop star strives for … proving you can really sing while still effectively showing off your adorable pussy.

The American Music Awards are the most important award show to air on the last Sunday of November on ABC. It’s true. Now if you were too busy watching Homeland, Walking Dead and Ja’mie: Private School Girl, you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about.  Consider yourself lucky.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Katy Perry — Misguided performance aside, her arrivals dress was a huge improvement over her usual red carpet looks which tend to navigate the spectrum between Kelly Bundy and an extra on Real Housewives of OC.

Pitbull — You are from Miami. You are Latin. You speak Spanish. You grew up poor. WE KNOW! ¡Dios mio, callate la boca!

Taylor Swift — She’s creating a Dynasty … by serving Heather Locklear Sammy Jo Carrington Realness.

Justin Timberlake — Buffed up, no signs of Jessica Biel and flirting with Taylor Swift. This will not end well …except for Taylor’s future album sales.

Emma Roberts — Unfortunately for Em & her stylist, L.A.’s ban on plastic bags doesn’t start until January.

One Direction — Boy band or a ZARA store come to life? Ok, so they’re growing on me … except for the frosted tips/highlighted one who looks like he’s still in O-Town.

Ariana Grande — Very talented little lady who seems like she can do no wrong … until the photos/videos are leaked. #allthekidshavethem

Marc Anthony — Kohl’s sponsored the AMA’s Best New Artist award … and his outfit.

Ke$ha — Between the facial bone morphing, Amanda Bynes hair and the somewhat dramatic black gown, I wasn’t sure if it was her or yet another Lady Donatella wannabe.

Rihanna — I love me some RiRi but giving her an ICON award after being around 8 years is sillier than wearing a bobby pinned Rite Aid weave to an award show.

Naya Rivera — Flawless as Whoreticia Addams!

Dave Grohl & Joan Jett — Caught between rock and a hard place. Yowza! Was that really Joan or Chita Rivera?

Wayne Newton — Burn victim! But don’t call another doctor!

Kelly Osbourne — Wearing 50 shades of …don’t you know any gays? Joan Rivers will not be happy about this.

Nicole Richie — She’s back to her baby weight … 7lbs, 6oz.

Florida Georgia Line — Deport.

Daisy Fuentes –‘Memba her? 47 and fabulous! Proof that a successful line at Kohl’s can buy an appearance on national TV.

Pete Wentz — Adorbs! He’s like Paul Rudd with guyliner. Just don’t stand next to Amazonian Taylor Swift, little fall out boy!

Alicia Silverstone — Speaking of Rudd, Cher Horowitz looks amazing!

Jennifer Hudson — It’s been almost 5 years now, feel free to mention her name without saying the words “weight loss.” #enough

Christina Aguilera — Looks and sounds fabulous. But when is Dirrty Xtina making a comeback?! Bring on the ratty colored extensions!

Austin Mahone & Kendall Jenner — Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s designer impostors.

Avicii — “Wake Me Up?” Um, it looks like he hasn’t slept in months. #justsayno

Jeremy Renner — What the? Does he have a line at Kohl’s too?

Jennifer Lopez — Two words: Iris Chacon. Google her!  Whatevs Britney, where’s JLo’s Vegas show? Somewhere in heaven Celia Cruz is smiling … unlike Lisa Left Eye Lopes.

TLC — Don’t go chasing comebacks … especially with Lil Mama.  And who styled T-Boz? Pebbles? All I know is someone better sue.

Lady Gaga — Go back on the horse you rode on! On a positive note, it’s safe to say she didn’t copy this SNL skit performance from Madonna.

Miley Cyrus — God damn you, Miley. You just gave everyone — and their mother — 11 months to get next year’s Halloween costume ready. Yeah you you wreck me!

Britney_miley
Keeping in line with the creative genius of the  “Work, Bitch” video — and unbeknownst to Britney Spears herself– the powers that be behind the conservatorship wonder just unveiled the truly original and completely innovative cover art for her new album “Britney Jean.”

Here’s something Miley Cyrus should stick her tongue out at …

Miley_Tom
She didn’t twerk or lick anything, but Miley Cyrus went on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” on Tuesday and still managed to get into risky business.

With her tongue safely ensconced in her mouth, the 20-year-old took time out from fighting with Sinead O’Connor to put on her best 1983 Tom Cruise drag.

At the least, one of them is definitely wearing underwear.

Miley_Die
A topless Justin Bieber Miley Cyrus posed for the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and wound up looking as sexy as Ninja, the male singer of bizarre South African rap rave group Die Antwoord.

I fink you freeky, gurl.

VMA_image
Things learned watching the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards:

1. Lady Gaga has stopped copying Madonna and moved on to co-opting herself, The Flying Nun, SNL, Grey Gardens & Barbarella. Now if only she’d forget all the wigs & theatrics and take her own advice … Just Dance!

2. The MTV Pre-show only featured artists born after the 2nd Clinton Administration. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

3. Miley Cyrus’ performance was brought to you by Beacher’s Madhouse, Amanda Bynes … and every trailer park east of San Bernardino. RIP Twerking.

4. Kanye West is now taking music advice from Kim K … because I haven’t heard anything that badly auto-tuned since her song “Jam (Turn It Up).”

5. Serena Williams’ Radio Shack commercial beats Annabelle in “The Conjuring” for scariest character this summer. Yikes!

6. Thank God for Justin Timberlake.

7. Chris Kirkpatrick is alive.

8. Unless she’s trying to look like a middle-aged data entry clerk at Time Warner Cable, Emeli Sande needs a stylist stat! She’s only 26, people.

9. T-Boz is trying to look like a middle-aged data entry clerk at Time Warner Cable … in Detroit. She (and Chilli) need a stylist stat! They’re not 26, people.

10. When you look up the word ‘wrong’ in the dictionary, Katy Perry’s picture comes up. And you’re gonna hear me SNORE!

With no Britney implosion, Madonna kiss or Kanye ramble, this year’s VMAs will be remembered as the night Miley Cyrus bludgeoned, sodomized and left Hannah Montana for dead in order to writhe her saggy ass in a flesh-colored bikini with teddy bears and married men. Party in the USA!

Lady Gaga — With apologies to “Roar” and no matter what Billboard says, “Applause” really is a bigger hit in da clubs. Props should also be given for performing after undergoing major hip surgery just a few months ago. And lastly, you gotta love a gal who puts on more weaves in three minutes than an entire season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Now if only she’d stop all that highfalutin nonsense about art and culture and just focus on making great pop songs maybe some of the haters would ease up. Finally, someone please tell Gags to give up on all that bizarro insane asylum imagery and videos, it’s already been done … by her!

Austin Mahone — His ushering in the return of the horrendous 90s boy band fashion is the true sign of NSYNC’s resurgence. All these WannaBiebers need to understand that all the leather getups and beanies in the world won’t make their high fructose corn syrupy songs and shaved pits tough. PS his last name sounds like the Spanish word for turd. De verdad!

Ariana Grande — Wait, so all this time that song “The Way” wasn’t by Mariah?? Who knew?! Every time I hear her name I think I’m in line at Starbucks … or Taco Bell.

One Direction — Their name refers to which way they swing. Your guess is as good as mine. And when did Harry Styles morph into young Kevin Bacon? #zerodegrees

Selena Gomez — She won for “Come and Get It,” but from the looks of her revealing Versace gown someone already came and got it. Styling by Janet Jackson.

Taylor Swift — Next year MTV is re-naming the show, “Award Reacts with Taylor Swift” … immediately following the premiere of Teen Moms: Miami.

Shailene Woodley — “The Spectacular Now” & “Divergent” … you betta watch out, Jennifer Lawrence.

Miley Cyrus — Good golly, Miss Molly! Congrats! She has finally found a way to break Billy Ray’s achy breaky heart. But does it really matter what anyone thinks, when you’re trending on Twitter? Winner of this year’s Britney Spears Live Stage Implosion Award. “We Can’t Stop” is the new “Gimme More.”

Robin Thicke — Go directly to Paula Patton. Do not pass Go.

Iggy Azalea — The love child of January Jones and Christina Aguilera.

Lil’ Kim — It’s amazing what the peeps at Madame Tussauds can do these days. Put ya lighters up, in memoriam of Kim’s original face!

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis — Great speech which nullified any of A$AP Rocky’s awkward exchange with “homosexual” NBA player Jason Collins.

Kevin Hart — No.

Jared Leto — or was it a makeup-free Courteney Cox? I didn’t realize ombre hair extensions came in Mens.

Kanye West — I’m so over keepin’ up with this Kardashian.

Daft Punk — Will the two guys they hired off Craigslist to wear the helmets and go to the show while they stayed home and counted their money please stand up?

Ed Sheering — Imagine a world where female pop stars with his level of physical attractiveness were allowed to exist. Can’t do it, can you?

Justin Timberlake — Fantastic but lonnnnnnnnnng.

NSYNC — Rockin’ the black and white Pilgrim chic. That ‘reunion’ was also JT’s way of saying we will never do a Backstreet Boys/NKOTB/98 Degrees Mortgage Tour. Bye, bye, bye.

Danity Kane — If you announce a reunion and nobody covers it, does it still make a noise? Apparently not. Damaged, indeed.

Jennifer Hudson — No question she has an amazing voice and looks fantastic. But, unfortunately, I didn’t have same love for that crop top. And I can’t change … but she could have.

Rihanna — I’m convinced she only went to make Drake and former BFF Katy Perry uncomfortable, because she looked even more bored sitting at the Barclays Center as we all did at home.

Drake — So does a Canadian TV series really qualify as starting from the bottom?

Jaden Smith — Move over Xenu, he’s under a Drake spell now.

Katy Perry — Serving some Joanie “Chyna Doll” Lurer realness … in her performance AND the red carpet. Ripping off Sara Bareilles, jumping rope like Madge, performing exactly where Xtina did 11 years ago … wait which one is Lady Gaga? At least her performance featured that hot bearded hipster muscled dancer. Dayum!

… All sleep till Brooklyn.

Miley_Britney
Here’s Miley Cyrus —  after bludgeoning and leaving Hannah Montana for dead — in all her flesh-colored bikini glory at last night’s VMAs — and Britney Spears in her amazing career-defining moment at the 2007 VMAs.

Both are trying desperately to be adults.