The 2013 AMAs Recap!
Things learned watching the 41st Annual American Music Awards:
- Pitbull actually knows a few more words than just “305,” “Mr. Worldwide” or “Dale!”. A few. Un poquito.
- I need Justin Timberlake’s navy tuxedo and his Brazilian blowout.
- There was one thing weirder & more random than having Bill Maher introduce Rihanna … having her mother present the ICON award. Sweet but completely bizarre.
- With the hipster/folk rock explosion at Defcon 1 levels, now the only things differentiating One Direction from Mumford & Sons or The Lumineers are hair dryers and Aqua Net.
- Katy Perry’s performance was unbelievable … for taking insensitive cultural appropriation to new levels, & telling young girls to love their man unconditionally — like a docile, subservient prostitute. Konichiwa, Katy Kats!
- Lady Gaga & R. Kelly are not Sonny & Cher … do what you want with your bodies but leave the variety show numbers alone!
- On the other hand, The Jennifer Lopez Variety Hour is something I would definitely watch. Wepa!
- First gay rights and now racism, Macklemore & Lewis are like an LMFAO Afterschool Special in the making. And that’s one to grow on.
- R.I.P. TLC.
- Miley Cyrus struck the perfect balance every female pop star strives for … proving you can really sing while still effectively showing off your adorable pussy.
The American Music Awards are the most important award show to air on the last Sunday of November on ABC. It’s true. Now if you were too busy watching Homeland, Walking Dead and Ja’mie: Private School Girl, you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. Consider yourself lucky.
Katy Perry — Misguided performance aside, her arrivals dress was a huge improvement over her usual red carpet looks which tend to navigate the spectrum between Kelly Bundy and an extra on Real Housewives of OC.
Pitbull — You are from Miami. You are Latin. You speak Spanish. You grew up poor. WE KNOW! ¡Dios mio, callate la boca!
Taylor Swift — She’s creating a Dynasty … by serving Heather Locklear Sammy Jo Carrington Realness.
Justin Timberlake — Buffed up, no signs of Jessica Biel and flirting with Taylor Swift. This will not end well …except for Taylor’s future album sales.
Emma Roberts — Unfortunately for Em & her stylist, L.A.’s ban on plastic bags doesn’t start until January.
One Direction — Boy band or a ZARA store come to life? Ok, so they’re growing on me … except for the frosted tips/highlighted one who looks like he’s still in O-Town.
Ariana Grande — Very talented little lady who seems like she can do no wrong … until the photos/videos are leaked. #allthekidshavethem
Marc Anthony — Kohl’s sponsored the AMA’s Best New Artist award … and his outfit.
Ke$ha — Between the facial bone morphing, Amanda Bynes hair and the somewhat dramatic black gown, I wasn’t sure if it was her or yet another Lady Donatella wannabe.
Rihanna — I love me some RiRi but giving her an ICON award after being around 8 years is sillier than wearing a bobby pinned Rite Aid weave to an award show.
Naya Rivera — Flawless as Whoreticia Addams!
Dave Grohl & Joan Jett — Caught between rock and a hard place. Yowza! Was that really Joan or Chita Rivera?
Wayne Newton — Burn victim! But don’t call another doctor!
Kelly Osbourne — Wearing 50 shades of …don’t you know any gays? Joan Rivers will not be happy about this.
Nicole Richie — She’s back to her baby weight … 7lbs, 6oz.
Florida Georgia Line — Deport.
Daisy Fuentes –‘Memba her? 47 and fabulous! Proof that a successful line at Kohl’s can buy an appearance on national TV.
Pete Wentz — Adorbs! He’s like Paul Rudd with guyliner. Just don’t stand next to Amazonian Taylor Swift, little fall out boy!
Alicia Silverstone — Speaking of Rudd, Cher Horowitz looks amazing!
Jennifer Hudson — It’s been almost 5 years now, feel free to mention her name without saying the words “weight loss.” #enough
Christina Aguilera — Looks and sounds fabulous. But when is Dirrty Xtina making a comeback?! Bring on the ratty colored extensions!
Austin Mahone & Kendall Jenner — Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s designer impostors.
Avicii — “Wake Me Up?” Um, it looks like he hasn’t slept in months. #justsayno
Jeremy Renner — What the? Does he have a line at Kohl’s too?
Jennifer Lopez — Two words: Iris Chacon. Google her! Whatevs Britney, where’s JLo’s Vegas show? Somewhere in heaven Celia Cruz is smiling … unlike Lisa Left Eye Lopes.
TLC — Don’t go chasing comebacks … especially with Lil Mama. And who styled T-Boz? Pebbles? All I know is someone better sue.
Lady Gaga — Go back on the horse you rode on! On a positive note, it’s safe to say she didn’t copy this SNL skit performance from Madonna.
Miley Cyrus — God damn you, Miley. You just gave everyone — and their mother — 11 months to get next year’s Halloween costume ready. Yeah you you wreck me!