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It’s Super Bowl weekend and for the gays that means gathering around to watch commercials while drinking vodka sodas and for 12 minutes looking up from their phones to see a music icon, preferably a diva, slay the stage in an highly-anticipated halftime show.

Not last year.

Expectations were low for Maroon 5‘s turn headlining in what was known as the Super Bowl Naptime Show. Other than Adam Levine’s non-FCC fined “wardrobe malfunction” that flaunted his muscled up and tatted torso, there really wasn’t anything to sing and dance about.

Thankfully this year, the NFL (and Jay Z) realized that the Super Bowl needs a diva. Gays demand a diva. Gals love a diva. Hetero bros won’t admit it, but even they prefer a diva. Everyone is happier with a diva. Pop diva. Rock diva. R&B diva. Rap diva. Country diva. Dance diva. Latin diva. Just give us a diva. Diva. DIVA. DIVA!

So this year we get DOS supreme divas. Queen Jennifer Lopez and Reina Shakira. Two A-list Latinas uniting the country against the Garbage President and his supporters. Make America Guayabera Again!  WEPA!

So until J.Lo and Shaks destroy the field on Sunday, let’s reminisce and countdown to the most fabulously divalicious Super Bowl Halftime Shows of yore.

12. Patti LaBelle in 1995 at Super Bowl XXIX

Back in the day, the halftime shows had themes and in 1995 it was Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye, which obviously calls to mind… Patti LaBelle?!

This halftime show is literally insane. It’s like a bizarro Disney & Scientology co-production of Burning Man. I’m not tripping, you’re tripping!

Despite the ridiculous amusement park-style stage show featuring pyrotechnics,”Indiana Jones” parachuting into the stadium and an acted out storyline, The OG Lady Marmalade doesn’t miss a beat belting out Release Yourself, New Attitude and Can You Feel the Love Tonight (alongside Tony Bennett). And while her royally fierce headgear tries to grab the spotlight, Miss Patty reigns supreme making it all it look as easy as sweet potato pie.

But it’s still completely nuts!

11. Katy Perry in 2015 at Super Bowl XLIX

Left Shark. One to Grow On. Missy Elliott. Lenny Kravtiz. It seems I remember everything about Katy Perry’s halftime show except Katy Perry.

While she did sing the hits (Roar, Dark Horse, I Kissed A Girl, Teenage Dream, California Gurls and Firework) and wore three, um, interesting outfits, there’s no denying the Christian artist formerly known as Katheryn Hudson definitely did her best.

A for effort.

10. Shania Twain/No Doubt/Sting in 2003 at Super Bowl XXXVII

Shania Twain came thru drip drip!

Wearing a Matrix leather trench, bejeweled bra, mini-dress and thigh-high boots, the country queen was giving us Real Housewives of Orange County via Hollywood Blvd realness while turning out Man, I Feel Like a Woman and Up.

Gwen Stefani then popped up for Just A Girl , because why not, before joining ageless zaddy Sting for Message in a Bottle. In all, the schizo show was a touchdown for country, pop and rock gays everywhere.

9. Gloria Estefan in 1992 at Super Bowl XXVI & in 1999 at Super Bowl XXXIII

Beyonce wasn’t the first pop diva to perform at two Super Bowl halftime shows, that distinction goes to Cuban-American icon Gloria Estefan.

In ’92, the halftime show honored the Winter Olympics (that theme thing again!) so – prior to Estefan singing Live for Loving You and Get On Your Feet – audiences were subjected to a spectacle featuring marching bands, a giant Frosty the Snowman and the talents of  gold medalist iceskaters Dorothy Hamill & Brian Boitano.

It’s completely bonkers and totally AMAZING!

In ’99, the show kept it less nonsensical with the musical theme of Soul, Salsa and Swing. Gloria was called to duty once again to headline alongside Big Voodoo Daddy and Stevie Wonder.

This time La Estefan, looking gorge, lit up the stage with her hits Oye!, Turn the Beat Around, You’ll Be Mine (Party Time) before dueting with Stevie for Another Star & My Cherie Amour.

Y’all, don’t sleep on Gloria, she is the real deal. Wepa!

8. Britney Spears, Aerosmith, NSYNC, Nelly & Mary J. Blige in 2001 at Super Bowl XXV

I know the Cult of Britney™ is going to come for me for putting her so low, but hear me out.

This entire performance was a lot of fun, but it was not the Britney Spears Show.  It was all about Aersosmith (I Dont Want to Miss a Thing, Jaded) and NSYNC (Bye, Bye, Bye, It’s Gonna Be Me) with Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige & Nelly thrown in at the end for Walk This Way. No offense, but it’s true.

The theme was Kings & Queens of Rock & Pop, but the queens were just an afterthought.  Had Ms. Spears and Mary J. actually been allowed to sing one of their own songs (ala Beyonce with Coldplay), I would have put this higher.

My apologies to the Britney Gays™, but on a positive note, Brit Brit sounded, looked and moved like a diva! #NeverForget

7. Michael Jackson in 1993 at Super Bowl XXVII

Whatever your feelings are about Michael Jackson‘s life off-stage, there’s no denying this performance was the game changer. The King of Pop was the first huge music star to undertake the halftime gig & take it to a new level –  a classic diva tactic. His performance would inspire the halftime shows of future Super Bowl divas like Madonna, Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

It was one of the most watched events in TV history and the NFL made it their mission to book A-list acts going forward. The setlist featured Jam, Billie Jean, Black or White, We Are the World & Heal the World and ended with Michael singing alongside hundreds of children from around the world.

This halftime show is truly legendary and also serves as a bookmark in Michael’s legacy. Six months after the Super Bowl, Michael would go on to be accused of child sexual abuse for the first time.

6. Janet Jackson in 2004 at Super Bowl XXXVIII

Before the wardrobe malfunction, before Nipplegate, before Justin Timberlake threw her under the bus, before Les Moonves tried to destroy her career and before any of Janet Jackson‘s halftime show became a global scandal, the set included performances by Jessica Simpson (she actually just yells an intro), Diddy (Bad Boy for Life, Mo Money Mo Problems), Nelly (Hot in Herre) and Kid Rock (Bawitdaba, Cowboy). ‘Memba that? No? Don’t worry, hardly anybody else does.

What I remember is that Janet sang and danced her ass off to All For You & Rhythm Nation before JT pretended to not know he was going to expose her right breast during Rock Your BodyI’ll have you ruined by the end of this song!

History was made, fines were imposed, Janet was crucified and justice still needs to be served. #JusticeForJanet

5. Prince in 2007 at Super Bowl XLI

Prince in heels with a Rosie the Riveter headwrap in the pouring (purple) rain. Yes, yes, yasssss!

Only a real diva can battle Mother Nature and win!

The set list: Let’s Go Crazy, Baby I’m a Star, Proud Mary, All Along the Watchtower, Best of You, Purple Rain.

Fun fact: Straight guys often regard this as the best halftime show ever. I love it, just wish he included When Doves Cry or other hits over the covers.

Special shout out to the guitar solo projected onto a sheet aka the shadow malfunction. This is what it sounds like when censors cry!

4. Lady Gaga in 2017 at Super Bowl LI

Starting off with an aerial drone light show, unifying anthem God Bless America and protest song This Land is Your Land, quoting the Pledge of Allegiance’s “with liberty and justice for all” and faux diving off the roof of the stadium, Lady Gaga‘s halftime show was patriotic, spectacular & subversive without even humming one bar of her own song.

Gaga is arguably the biggest LGBT rights advocate of her pop generation, so to sing Born This Way with the lyrics “No matter gay, straight, or bi Lesbian, transgendered (sic) life” at the Super Bowl was not only expected and on brand but historic. Her full set list consisted of Poker Face, Born This Way, Just Dance, Million Reasons and Bad Romance.

On that night we were all little monsters, put our paws up & watched a star be reborn.

3. Beyonce in 2013 at Super Bowl XLVII & in 2016 at Super Bowl L

A diva is a female version of a hustler, and no one hustles like Beyonce.

Beyonce murders every performance, almost to her detriment. Her halftime show was beyond. The singing (Love on Top, Crazy in Love, End of Time, Baby Boy, Bootylicious, Independent Women, Single Ladies, Halo) the choreo, the Destiny’s Child reunion, all of it on point. I’m still gagging over Kelly’s bangs & Michelle’s hop jump entrance.

(unpopular opinion alert!)

Beyonce brings Super Bowl level quality to all her shows. To quote Queen Bey herself, “Flawless.” And that’s the problem. Re-watching this now you almost don’t know if it was from The Mrs. Carter, Formation, On The Run I & II tours, Coachella or an award show. It’s lost some of it’s impact. It’s grandeur. It’s ‘this is the big MF moment.’ Everything shouldn’t be the Super Bowl, but for Beyonce everything is and that makes the Super Bowl now seem less special.

Even while watching it back in 2013, on the heels of Madonna‘s monster of a show the year before, I thought it needed just a tad more pizzazz, some more zhuzh, a little more spectacular spectacular,  because it was the SUPER BOWL and not the Mrs. Carter, Formation, On the Run I &II tours, Coachella or an award show moment.

OK, everyone breathe. This is MY OPINION.  Step back, Beyhive. Do not hurt me. I still bow down. I do. I promise, I still love Beyonce.  HELP!!!!!

Then three years later, Beyonce was back again and this time providing that pizzazz/zhuzh moment to Coldplay‘s (and oh no Bruno Mars, again!) halftime show.

For the first time Beyonce got political referencing the Black Panthers and also paid homage to Michael Jackson with her outfit. She sang Formation & Crazy in Love, and as per usual, didn’t blink.

She stole the show. She was the show. The Super Bowl was saved!

Make no mistake, Beyonce is the headliner even when she’s the guest star. All hail, Beyonce!

Ok, so are we friends again?

2. Madonna in 2012 at Super Bowl XLVI

Eight years after Janet’s wardrobe malfunction, Madonna was the first female solo artist to headline the Super Bowl.  So naturally the Queen of Pop arrived with all the pomp & circumstance on her golden throne.

From there it continued in all its over the top, decadent, glamorous glory orchestrated with royal precision and announcing to the world to get ready because the night’s main event had started. The Madonna Bowl had arrived and with it dancers, gladiators, costumes, acrobatics, LED screens and a choir led by Cee Lo Green. She even managed to talk Nicki Minaj & MIA into playing her sidekick head cheerleaders. INSANE.  (In all fairness, I wasn’t a huge fan of including LMFAO, but I guess they did have one of the biggest songs the previous year.)

Her Madgesty gave us Vogue, Music, Party Rock Anthem/Sexy And I Know It, Give Me All Your Luvin’, Open Your Heart and Like a Prayer.

In all, it was more than a show. It was a spectacle. It was theater. It was a circus and a club and a pep rally and a church service. It was a religious experience. And I was dead and brought back to life.

In that moment, Madonna ushered in the new era of the Super Bowl Pop Diva™ and paved the way for Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, J.Lo and, hopefully someday, Rihanna and Pink. And she did it all at the young age of 53.

Always remember kids, there’s only one Queen and that’s Madonna.

1. Diana Ross in 1996 at Super Bowl XXX

A true diva knows how to make a grand entrance and an even grander exit.

Let’s just get it out of the way. You can’t spell diva without a D and the D in diva stands for Diana Ross.

Back in 1996, Diana Ross did multiple on-set costume changes, sang Stop in the Name of Love, Baby Love, You Can’t Hurry Love, Why Do Fools Fall in Love, Chain Reaction, Reach Out & Touch Someone’s Hand, Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, I Will Survive and then got airlifted out of the Sun Devil Stadium with her feet hanging over the side. OUT OF A HELICOPTER!

Your helicopter in 5, Miss Ross! Miss Ross has left the building!

In the Super Bowl you go big or go home, unless you’re Diana Ross and then you go big and go home …in a helicopter!

Dirty Diana did THAT! She is the Supreme! The Boss! Icons & Legends, only!

No one will ever top this. Do not even try. No, ma’am. Forget it.

THE END.

Here’s the full performance, because you must.

Honorable Mention: New Kids on the Block in 1991 at Super Bowl XXV

No, they aren’t divas, you just have to see it to believe it.

The theme was It’s A Small World with Disney characters, 2000 actual kids and the New Kids on the Block, natch!

The NKOTB Step by Step magic starts at the 10:30 mark. Enjoy!

Regardless of your plans on Sunday, I hope everyone has a lot of fun.

All hail J.LO and Shakira!

*DISCLAIMER: This story has been updated since initially being published on February 3, 2019.

 

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Where were you on Monday, February 2nd, 2009? Ten years ago, equality was a priority in the White House, Lady Gaga had her first #1 song and Instagram was non-existent. But on that night gay culture was forever changed with the launch of a little show on a little network hosted by a larger-than-life personality known as a #RuPaulsDragRace .The budget and ratings may have been much smaller then, but the impact was felt. Little did we realize that 18 years after Paris Is Burning, a new class of gays, kweens & Kardashians were about to have their weaves snatched by being ru-introduced to terms like realness, shade and read. More importantly, #RuPaul and the show put a spotlight on stories & amplified voices that were often silenced or overlooked and inspired a new generation to have pride in who they are & lip sync for their lives! Now everyone & their mutha wants to be a kween & mainstream outlets like Entertainment Tonight & People magazine cover #drag on the reg. Condragulations, RuPaul’s Drag Race. Happy 10th anniversary. Shantay you stay! 💄👠💃🏽🏳️‍🌈 #RPDR #dragqueen #LGBT #gay

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The funniest thing about all the outrage over Ricky Gervais taking jabs at the Hollywood elite during his Golden Globes opening monologue is how Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh got similar backlash for being too nice hosting last year’s show. Damned if you do …

With the threat of war, fires and a President that lobs lies and insults at every one, including teenagers, in his path, it’s no wonder even Brad Pitt is pleading that everyone be a little nicer to each other.

All that being said, I still think there’s room to step back and laugh at some of the sillier things in life, like $5000 gowns. At least I hope.

So enjoy my lighthearted take on this year’s Globes. If you don’t, please feel free to call me out on social media … because I could really use the followers!

Ramy Youssef  – Never seen him or his show before, but legit thought it was some sort of sketch with a female comedian like Sarah Silverman dressed in male drag. Oopsies!

Elton John – With his new weave on point, statement jewelry and rose-colored glasses, Sir Elton was ready for his first win with longtime lyricist Bernie Taupin. The Bitch is Back!

Kathy Bates – Just for the record, Elton did not do a costume change. How dare you? Rude!

Sofia Vergara & Matt Bomer – Both are sickeningly gorgeous, but if Matt was her true gay BFF he’d make sure she didn’t wear problematic designers like Dolce & Gabbana. Google “synthetic children.”

Kerry Washington – What in Olivia Pope hell?! Scandal, indeed. This needs to be handled, stat! Where’s Momoa’s tank top when you need it? Once and for all, can we please leave the thirsty plunging neckline where it belongs; next to the couture remains of J.Lo’s iconic yet overhyped 2000 Versace. RIP.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge – If we can’t have Amy & Tina, then please give us Phoebe as next year’s host. It’s the master of ceremonies we need and deserve. Thanks, Obama!

Kate McKinnon – On second thought, give us Kate! That speech! A coming out story always gets me. Despite the funny jokes and the heartfelt anecdotes, I found myself overly thinking about how, unlike McKinnon, I was not 13 when the now-legendary Ellen episode aired in 1997. #Old

Ellen DeGeneres – Despite the Kevin Hart trash fire, the George Bush mess and all the working at Ellen show stories, I still think her coming out in 1997 and subsequent downfall just months before Will & Grace premiered should never be forgotten. Not all heroes wear capes and not all heroes are perfect, but she was the LGBT hero who stepped up when others wouldn’t. So Imma focus on that right now.

Side note, Portia and Ellen are morphing into Brad & Gwyneth circa 1995.

Daniel Craig & Ana de Armas – They’ve now starred in Knives Out and the upcoming Bond film No Time Left to Die together. Rachel Weisz is issuing the Cuban actress a cease and desist as we speak. Ai yi yi!

Margot Robbie –  Her driver must have made a wrong turn on Benedict Canyon and wound up at the Globes instead of the upscale bridal shower in the Palisades where this would have slayed.

Taylor Swift – Florals? For spring? Groundbreaking.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Everyone has a lot to say about Gwynnie’s look, but I am so here for her sheer mocha prairie dress. It’s part slave Leia in Return of the Jedi, part belly dancer and 100% insane. But this is what we rarely see these days; a major star, taking a major risk. This is our ’80s Cher moment. This is our heir to Celine Dion‘s reverse tux. This is Demi Moore‘s Oscar bike shorts repurposed for a new generation. Somewhere in Valley Village, Lara Flynn Boyle is looking at her 2003 ballerina tutu and attempting to smile. Brava, Mrs. Paltrow-Falchuck. Brava!

Laura Dern – Serving us cool Topanga Canyon Auntie meets sexy Mrs. Roper realness. She may have made a bundt, but don’t worry, it’s laced.

Dakota Fanning – You might want to doublecheck, but I believe Dak wore this to the I Am Sam premiere in 2001. #Throwback

Lisa Bonet & Jason Momoa – Exclusive! First look at the cover of Anne Rice’s new gothic novel.

Patricia Arquette – Commanding attention, taking no prisoners and snatching trophies with a severe haircut while wearing sunglasses indoors. Anna Wintour is shook. The Devil Wears whatever the fuck she wants.

Jodie Comer & Olivia Colman – With apologies to Jennifer Lopez, but Jodie and Olivia were hands downs my favorite Christmas ornaments of the night. As an added bonus, it appears Eddie Murphy’s recent SNL appearance influenced Jodie’s refreshing take on Gumby chic.

Charlize Theron – Not my favorite look, but since Thou Shalt Not Use Charlize’s Name in Vain, I’ll just reiterate how amazing she is as Megyn Kelly in Bombshell.  Or in anything actually. Charlize makes everything better. Just imagine if Gwyneth wore this. Y’all be trashing it extra HARD.

Cate Blanchett – It’s Cate on a half shell. Listen, when you have two Oscars, going to the Globes is all about having a laugh. Mission accomplished.

Michelle Williams – Her personal and poignant pro-choice speech was especially powerfully as she’s currently pregnant with her second child. Wow, that’s a lot of Ps. Needless to say, I stand with Michelle Williams and I stand with Planned Parenthood.  Also, she’s excellent in Fosse/Verdon.

Wesley Snipes – I think this whole Urkel at a ’70s wedding vibe is actually working for him. Which says a lot since prior to Dolemite, everything he’s done in the last 15 years has been straight to video.

Jennifer Lopez – Just like Tulsi Gabbard, J.Lo voted PRESENT. While impeaching her stylist might be a little harsh, they should at least be censured for committing such a treasonous act against an American icon. We will rebuild.

Fun fact: Paul Rudd and Jennifer Lopez are both 50. FIFTY. CINCUENTA. FIVE. ZERO!

Brad Pitt – George Clooney, who? Old school Robert Redford, what? 56-year-old Brad Pitt, yaaaassss!

Adam Driver – Don’t feel bad for Adam losing. Like Rami Malek and Taron Ergeton before him, as soon as they greenlight the Marilyn Manson biopic, award show gold is all his. I can already hear him singing, “The beautiful people, the beautiful people!”

Billy Porter – Phew! I was getting nervous for Billy. With his over-the-top, gender-bending red carpet ensembles reaching a Gaga-level of ubiquituousness, I was afraid his fashion theatrics would become so expected that they’d barely bat a lash or worse, relegate him to gay clown purgatory. Luckily, the Pose star leveled up by toning it down. The white tux with detachable feather train brought the drama, but without the buffonery. He later removed the fluffy embellishment and let his natural fierceness make the boldest statement. Sashay you stay, Pray Tell.

Awkwafina – The Farewell officially ushers in her arrival.  Making history as the first woman of Asian descent to win a Golden Globe for lead actress in a comedy (altho that film is equally a drama), Awkwafina’s star is clearly on the rise. She’s the new queen of Queens! And if you have a problem with her ruffled Karl Lagerfeld-esque collar on her Dior ensemble then tawk to da hand!

Glenn Close – While last year’s Oscars proved she’s no Golden Girl (#JusticeForGlenn), this is  quite possible the best Bea Arthur has ever looked.

Renée Zellweger – Welcome to the Renéeassaince. She’s back & coming for all your gigs, ladies!

Sandra Bullock – Love that despite Bird Box, Sandy has reached that level of unannounced final award presenter in the footsteps of Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts and Denzel Washington. When you’re 56 and haven’t aged in 20 years ala JLo & PRudd,  everyone can just step aside.

Beyoncé and Jay Z – Or was it Dominique Deveraux and Coolio?

Until next time, check out my review of CATS below. Happy New Year!

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION — MY ‘CATS’ MOVIE REVIEW

 

If the 2019 Grammys had run any longer they would have had to tap Hoda and Kathie Lee to finish hosting. At three hours and 45 minutes, the show was endless, yet full of a slew of amazing female performances. Thankfully, my Super Bowl rant was heard and the DIVAS delivered.

Alicia, Dolly, Diana, Gaga, J.Lo, Cardi, Janelle, Kacey, Brandi, MICHELLE, the list goes on and on. It was ladies night and the feeling was oh so right.

So here are 25 things about this year’s show.


1. Gaga. Jada? Alicia. Michelle. J.Lo – aka The Moment! – Beyonce is shook! Michelle Obama turned the Grammys into the return of Divas Live. This almost makes up for the disaster that was the Super Bowl halftime show last week. Almost. This deserves a Vegas residency, a memoir and an EGOT.  Not only is  the internet broken, but all diseases have been cured, everyone has a perfect credit score and we’ve all subscribed to Jada’s Facebook Watch show. Ok, you’re right. Red Table Talk is taking it too far.


2. Alicia Keys – Styling by Rhoda Morganstern. But her performance was the actual Super Bowl halftime show we needed and deserved. Now unless homophobic tweets surface, Alicia can host the Oscars, the State of the Union and game night at your Aunt Beverly’s house. Sashay you stay, Alicia Augello Cook.


3. Lady Gaga – Hair. Body. Face. The bastard love child of Sammy Jo Carrington, Dale Bozzio from Missing Persons & late-90s Courtney Love. Three Grammy wins later, it’s Gaga’s world and we’re just living in it. I know many thought the performance was extra AF, but I’m all for seeing A Rock Star Is Born. Only two weeks until she tops off her amazing year by losing Best Actress to Glenn Close. Ha-ah-ah-ahhaaa-ah-ah-ah, haaawaah, ha-ah-ah-aaah!


4. Ricky Martin – Exactly 20 years since his career-changing performance of The Cup of Life at the ’99 Grammys that ignited the Latin Explosion, Ricky opened the show with a bilingual salsa-fied In the Heights-esque performance alongside Camila Cabello & J.Balvin that had me livin’ la vida loca. And just so you know, I absolutely have not been Googling white suits and mustache trimmers for the last 12 hours.


5. Shawn Mendes – Sorry Dua Lipa, but the real winner of Best New Artist goes to Shawn’s bare, buff, smooth, supple, loving arms!


6. Miley Cyrus – Dolly Parton duets and plunging necklines be damned, but long hair Miley will forever be Hannah Montana.


7. Kacey Musgraves – Katy Perry? Courteney Cox?  Kyle Richards? Paris Hilton in a wig? Who is Kacey Musgraves? She’s the rich white woman snatching all the trophies, that’s who. Get it, gurl.


8. Janelle Monae – Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to see Janelle Monae slay the house down boots! The Robert Palmer girls have been leveled up. She’s got her legs exposed & her sapphic Stormtroopers in tow, so Janelle is here, she’s queer and I can get used to this!


9. John Mayer – I hate to admit it, but I would totally let John Mayer cheat on me.


10 . Post Malone – There’s so much content here, but right now I’m most concerned with his camel toe.


11. Red Hot Chilli Peppers –  Larry, Daryl & Daryl have resurfaced! Now Bob Newhart  introducing Best New Artist makes even more sense, but the Chilli Peppers’ performance with Post Malone still does not.


12. Dolly Parton – Welcome to Dollywood! A stunning tribute, yet no one can do the 73-year-old justice. (Settle down, Katy!) It should give us all hope that there are only two types of people in this world: Dolly Parton fans and Dolly Parton super fans. Which one are you? #MakeAmericaDollyAgain


13. Cardi B –  You know it was her night when Cardi took the stage and yelled “Welcome to the Grammys!” … over an hour after the show started. The red carpet! The performance! The speech! All of it! QUEEN. History was made as the first female solo artist to win Best Rap Album. She’s CinderFuckingRella, but her evil Step Mother is gonna be pissed because she’s never won one. Also she needs a new Prince Charming. Okurrr!


14. Kylie Jenner & Meghan Trainor – There was a mix-up at the clown shop and they wore each other’s terrible outfit! Maybe I’m wrong and by next year Kris Jenner will have everyone wearing Kylie’s cattle (or is it kattle?) artificial insemination gloves. Regardless, send a pair to Meg!


15. Drake – Getting his speech cut was not the biggest indignity he suffered last night.


16. Diana Ross – Icon. Supreme. The Boss. And still no competitive Grammy wins! Zero. Drake was right, they don’t mean a thing. Her yelling “Happy Birthday to Me” is an anthem worthy of at least 3 Grammys, an all-star tribute and a Broadway musical. Dirty D!


17. Jennifer Lopez – What in Mexican telenovela hell is this? Jenny from the Cartel? The Norteño Grammys? Love makes you do stupid things, so I’m blaming this rare red carpet misfire on A.Rod. As for the Motown tribute, granted she may have been a very, very curious choice, but that performance proved she should have done the Super Bowl halftime show last year, this year & next year!


18. Smokey Robinson/Grey – The Grammy’s of the Damned …for that Motown tribute. I don’t know who Grey are, but a male blond duo hasn’t made an impression like this since Nelson.

 


19. Bebe Rexha – She said no designer wanted to dress her for the Grammys.  So she channeled her inner Anna Nicole and said “Like My Body!” …and they did.


20. St. Vincent & Dua Lipa – I am now a lesbian.  Take me to your leader, ladies! They were giving us L-Word in Space, the club scene in Basic Instinct minus Michael Douglas in a deep V & Jennifer Tilly/ Gina Gerson Bound realness. And I was here for all of it.


21. Yolanda Adams, Fantasia, Andra Day – I have nothing but R-E-S-P-E-C-T for their amazing voices. They did Aretha right. But they should have used some of their Black Girl Magic to find a stylist befitting of their talents. Seriously, Andra needs to send a cease & desist, stat! Say a little prayer.


22. Wilmer Valderrama – Damn, Papi.


23. Toni Braxton – The 51-year-old diva just won the 18-year challenge.


24. Weezer – Crockett & Tubbs could never! The OG hipster kings are living their best Miami Vice life, unironically.


25. Katy Perry – She tried it.


SPECIAL MENTION: Aida Cuevas – She’s the Queen of Ranchera Music, but now everyone will know her as the woman who wore Roseanne’s (I mean, The Conners’) couch to the Grammys. Pobrecita!

 

ICYMI: 20 THINGS YOU MISSED FROM THE SOTU SPEECH

 

Before we go any further, let us remember that the Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art is not your average red carpet event.

In my opinion, a Met Gala dress is a dress that is only appropriate for the Met Gala. You shouldn’t be able to wear it to any other black tie charity event, the Fastest & the Furiousest premiere or the Oscars! It is to be worn to the Metropolitan Museum of Art on the first Monday in May … and that’s it.

Avant-garde is highly encouraged. Leave that little black dress at home. If you’re safe or just giving plain old Hollywood glamour, Anna Wintour should make you Uber home and change.

This is the Hunger Games of fashion and we’re in the Capitol, baby. Effie Trinket is your stylist & your muse. Go ahead and be the Girl on Fire. If not, you’ll suffer a fate worse than death, being called boring.

With that being said, here our some MAYJAH lewks that I’m totally going to make light of …whether I liked them or not! 😜

1.Katy Perry went Gaga, but for once she actually got it right. First I can’t get her new song “Bon Appetit” out of my head and now I approve of Katheryn Hudson’s Real Housewives of Kabul couture. This is my new reality in Trump America, people!

 

2. Category is: Pharrell‘s wife first time in red Teletubby drags at the ball.

 

3.  Kylie Jenner arrives with her drag mother ‘Queen Ravenna’ Versace.

 

4. Lena Dunham wearing my sophomore year dorm comforter. Looks toasty though!

 

5. Solange knows air mattress is the new black.

 

6. Not even a Pepsi can save Kendall Jenner from this AVN Awards chic. She’s XXXtra.

 

7. If the theme was 1969 Oscars, then Jennifer Lopez nailed it! But seriously loved that she covered up knowing most would be airing out their vadges up and down Fifth Ave. #WhenTheyGoLowYouGoWrapped

 

8. Spoiler Alert! King Joffrey’s long lost twin sisters have surfaced. The Olsen Twins are representing Full House Baratheon. #GoT

 

9. GOOP Style Tip: If you can’t find anything to wear to the Met Gala, just repurpose one of your old ’90s Oscar gowns! #GwynethPaltrow

 

10. Alert Ryan Murphy! There will not be a Feud: Courtney vs. Frances Bean.

 

11. Come through Celine Dion with this Lady Liberty meets ’80s Cher moment!

 

12. Call Homeland security, someone TP’d Claire Danes!

 

13. No one cares, boo. #KimWhatsHerName

 

14. When your dramatic fashion moment gets derailed by a beige “red carpet” … #TrenchCoatMafia #PriyankaChopra 

 

15. Bella Hadid, 20, is serving pussy-catsuit. Parental guidance is suggested, so luckily her mom, RHOBH‘s Yolanda Hadid, was there too.

 

16. Speaking of Effie Trinket, Elizabeth Banks is gorgeous … Gigi Gorgeous!

 

17. Madonna is dressed for battle because of all the attacks she is sure to get in the press. #TheresOnlyOneQueenBitchesAndSheCanWearWhateverSheWants

 

18. You guys, haven’t the Kennedy‘s suffered enough! Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good…

 

19. Rihanna won the Met Gala … and a VIP membership to Jo-Ann Fabrics!

 

20. And finally …  SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC is back next week after a three month sabbatical of silence, meditation and home drinking. 🍷 😴 🍷

We’ve got a new lewk & new surprises, but still the same old reads & shade. Season 3 is serving all the latest loud & proud pop culture noize that your weave can handle!

New episode coming next week…but until then binge & purge the first two seasons on iTunes! Come thru podcast kweens and listen, like & share!

 Things Learned From Watching the 2017 Grammys

  1. Beyonce can get her mother, sister and daughter screen time, but still doesn’t have the power to get Michelle Williams‘ shift covered at P.F. Changs so she can make a cameo at the Staples Center. Rude! #PoorMichelle

2. By the way Beyonce is flaunting her second pregnancy, it’s obvious we still don’t know who carried her first one. #TheTruthIsOutThere

3. The only person who hasn’t tired of hearing “Hello” is Adele. True story!

4. Keith Urban will be amazing in The Betsy DeVos Story.

5. The highest level in Scientology is OT: Shady ’80s Vegas Lounge Act. Save us, Leah Remini!

6. Immediately following their Bee Gees tribute, Little Big Town performed at your cousin’s wedding in Encino. And they took requests!

7. The imaginary Quentin Tarantino film that Dwight Yoakham & Jason Derulo are living in is going to be amazing.

8. Apologies to Chance the Rapper, but it will always be too soon to bring back Cosby sweaters!

And now a few more silly words on some petty shit. Enjoy!

Beyonce – Narcissistic? Yes. Self-indulgent? Of course. Over the top? Clearly. But c’mon, who doesn’t L-U-V a pop queen on her throne? Now, against your better judgement, yell “slay.”

Adele doesn’t need to dance. Adele doesn’t need backup dancers. Adele doesn’t need elaborate stage shows. Adele doesn’t need to parade her body in a unitard. Adele has a voice. Adele has unparralled talent. Adele can stop and restart her performance on live television and you will love it and cheer and, against your better judgement, yell “slay.” These are not alternative facts!

 

Lady Gaga & Metallica – The Super Bowl was 7 days ago. The Super Bowl is now a memory. The Super Bowl never happened. Now if, against your better judgement, you yelled “slay,” that’s on you.

Katy Perry – ALWAYS. GETS. IT. WRONG.  So Becky may finally be WOKE, but the gurl cannot find a decent outfit if her rights depended on it. She ought to shave her head, as it would be her best lewk yet!  On the positive side, at least NO ONE yelled “slay.”

Jennifer Lopez – She’s been slaying destroying the red carpet since that infamous Versace number, but it’s J.Lo’s stick straight synthetic hair extensions that feel leftover from 2000.  It’s time to leave this overdone trend on the floor! Sorry, mija.

Demi Lovato – Serving KARDASHIAN on the carpet & ’70s SARKISIAN (as in CHER-ilyn) on stage. Guess she’s done being cool … for the summer.

Maren Morris – Winner of best country something or other. What I want to know is: Will she accept this rose? #SheLooksLikeSomeoneOnTheBachelor

Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – They are both turning 50 in a few months. Is country don’t crack a thing?

 

CeeLo – Can someone please Uber Gaga’s 2011 egg and send him home?

Bruno Mars –  Definitely enjoyed it, but there was just one thing missing from his Prince tribute — Wendy & Lisa! 

Rihanna – You don’t need an award, when you’re the coolest chic in the room. Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. “____!”

HalseyAlls I see is a mashup of early Pink, JLo’s Versace thirst and TLC “Creep.” Next!

Paris Hilton Jackson -The resemblance is uncanny. She has her father’s … last name.

A Tribe Called Quest – The one thing I won’t #resist … using “President Agent Orange!” Pass the Courvoisier, Busta!

And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my weekly pop culture podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/screaming-into-traffic/id1052412883?mt=2

The annual Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art is all about fashion, drama and letting us have it. It is the Oscars on steroids. It is not for the timid, the safe, or for placating the small minds of the basic masses at home. Ready-to-Wear is not allowed.

That being said, here are 20 MAYJAH lewks from this year’s MET GALA, whose theme was “China: Through the Looking Glass.” #culturalappropriationalert

1. Eat your heart out, Khaleesi. Introducing Sarah Jessica Parker, Mother of Dragons. Carrie Bradshaw is alive and well.

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2. Vogue Creative Director, Grace Coddington knows it’s her party and she can wear Prada pajamas if she wants too! It’s all about Miss Grace, y’all.

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3. Take away the bizarre statement necklace and Jennifer Lawrence is every PR girl working media check-in at a movie premiere. “Like, omigawd, I don’t see your name on the list.” Katniss needs to set this dress on fire!

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala - Arrivals

4. Katie Holmes in Zac Posen. Rihanna wig sold separately.

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5. This is the most hood you will ever see Anne Hathaway.

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6.  Elizabeth Banks serving Real Housewives of New Jersey realness. Styling by Dina Manzo.

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala - Arrivals

7.  The girl from The Ring is all growed up and BFFs with Selena Gomez, who, by the way, is finally showing off her voluptuous Latina curves. Wepa!

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8. Kris Jenner in Linda Dano/Fellica Gallant Another World drag. Thank God Bruce is now safe.

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9.  Full House is dead to them, but American Horror Story would be a game changer for The Olsen Twins.

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

10. Lorde have mercy.

MET Gala 2015 - Departures from The Carlyle

11. It’s Bieberace. Behind the Douchelabra.

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12.  What would Giuliana Rancic think about this? More importantly, how the hell does Zendaya get invited to all these A-list events? Patchouli oil and weed?

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

13. Beauty and the Beast in reverse. J.Lo knows to always keep a safe distance of at least two feet away from the Donatella Verzombie.

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14. It takes a village, people! Rihanna is giving you GOWN for the GAWDS. #BedBathAndBeyondHauteCouture

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15. Someone please inform Ms. Witherspoon that it’s the MET GALA not the Golden Globes! #snore #boring #change

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16. It’s not nice to make fun of the fashion handicapped. #KatyPerryAlwaysGetsItWrong

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

17.  Game of Thrones! But you are never getting the crown, bitches! #QueenOfPop

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18. Would she ever really date a man THAT old? Believe it or not, only ONE of them is 36. #gavegoodface

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19. That aint’ some sort of oil slick, it’s Solange destroying all the chickens in her path with her avant-garde eleganza. Sorry, but this is the Knowles sister who really slayed … and no elevator was required this year.

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala - Arrivals

20. Forget Mayweather & Pacquiao, the fight of the century is the battle of the sheer bejeweled vagina dresses! Jenna Jameson would be so proud of these two.

picstitch

That’s it. Now if only E! or Bravo or Logo would get it together and finally air this red carpet next year?! Sheesh! Don’t they know their audience?

The end. See y’all at H&M.

Mimi_JLO
They are 45-year-old divorced mothers of twins, New York native pop divas with a penchant for honey blonde horse weaves, who have sat behind the judge’s table on American Idol and starred in two of the worst movies of the last fifteen years to begin with the letter G, so Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez have a lot more in common besides utter disdain for the other.

Looking like the repurposed cover of her 1998 greatest hits album, My Little Pony and Tamar Braxton going as Ariana Grande for Halloween, a version of Mimi was meticulously cropped onto the front of her brand new record #1 to Infinity striking a cleavage-baring, leggy pose similar to the one J.Lo flawlessly executed – in the actual flesh – at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday.

These photos prove both are unreal.

American Music Awards
Ten Things Learned Watching the AMAs:

1. By the looks of all the homely gals in Rampage dresses, tickets to the ceremony were strictly available to students within the San Fernando Valley school district.

2. There is actually something more meaningless than an American Music Award, Taylor Swift’s entirely made up Dick Clark Award for Excellence. It too can be yours if you’ll splurge on Diana Ross’ appearance fee.

3. Supermodel Karlie Kloss is being Single White Female’d by Taylor Swift. The tousled bob and crop tops don’t lie.

Karlie

4. Don’t get your fake accent and ponytail twisted, Fergie has been doing the faux-ghetto pop/rap thang way before Iggy Azalea even got her first silicone ass injection. Trust!

5. Fifteen years after Chris Gaines crashed and burned, Garth Brooks has now taken to making rare televised appearances as a black-clad Boss Hogg.

6. One Direction consists of the cute one, the ethnic one, the dainty one, the one that should be in O-town and the one that looks like Chloe Grace Moretz. That’s my best guess, anyway.

One Direction

7. Someone needs to tell Jennifer Lopez that Booty is the new fetch. It ain’t gonna happen, bae. But damn she can move.

8. Britney Spears is still a huge influence on the new class of female pop stars, as evidenced by their lazy, seemingly drug-induced live performances (I’m talking to you Ariana, Iggy, Selena).

9. At 26 and 22 respectively, Jessie J and Sam Smith are waging a semi-private battle with progeria.

1o. The casts of The Walking Dead & Orange Is The New Black will forever be known by their characters’ names.

Jessie_Sam

Pitbull — With apologies to People for the Ethical Treatment of Award hosts, but he needs to be put down. Mr. Worldwide nuisance. And being bilingual, I had no problem understanding his Spanish, unfortunately it was his attempts at English that had me completely baffled. Silencio!

Patrick Dempsey, 48, & Josh Duhamel, 42, – Heirs to the John Stamos fountain of youth.

Patrick_josh

One Direction – I don’t know which one is gay, but I do know that at least two of them are lesbians. With 5 Seconds of Summer and all these other children running amok on stage, One D have instantly garnered some sort of cred for having at least been around since Obama’s first administration.

Ansel Elgort – The Fault In Our Stylists! All men may be created equal but not all can get away with a bolero jacket and printed leggings.

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Charlie XCX – Finally answering the age-old question: what if Mila Kunis had recorded an album …and worn orthopedic sandals?! Boom snap!

Rita Ora and Julianne Hough – in Overdressing with the Stars! But in fairness, when your chances of attending a legit award show are nil, what are you going to save that Bebe Haute Couture for?

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Magic – So that’s what Adrien Brody has been up to. Of the crop of new male singers, he’s the only one to have not blown his new-found riches on hair and wardrobe.

Wyclef Jean – ‘Memba him?

Iggy Azalea – real name Amethyst Amelia Kelly – Take away the inner city accent and the butt implants and she’s giving you millennial Portia de Rossi. Her Cold Hearted Snake meets Olivia Newton-John Physical inspired performance of Beg For It was all about her male backup dancers. Call me!

Dancers

Becky G – Lil Salma Hayek.

5 Seconds of Summer – Proving that boy bands no longer require any cute members, but Drybar appointments and shopping sprees at Hot Topic are still mandatory.

5_Secinds

The Walking Dead ladies – For once the heads exploding were not on screen but at home as viewers tried to decipher if Michonne was Lupita (No!) and Maggie was British (Yes!).

Michonne

Imagine Dragons – If they perform a song and it’s not Radioactive, does it still annoy?

Crazy Eyes and Piper – They’re  better off having Laverne Cox do their hair in prison.

Sam Smith – Winner of Best Pop Male Performance in a Dorothy Zbornak duster. If you check his deep pockets, I bet you’ll find tissues and hard candy.

Duster

Dianna Agron & Nathan Fillon – Proving Glee and Castle are still on the air. Who knew? PS, what’s Castle?!

Jhene Aiko and Meghan Trainor – They’re just days away from announcing their partnership portraying Mulan and Elsa in Disney Princesses on Ice.

mulan

Luke Bryan – The country singer also known as …that kinda hot guy in marketing at your office. See you in the staff meeting, boo.

Lorde – real name Ella Marja Lani Yelich- O’Connor – I’m a fan and love all of her spaztastic moves. But the weirdest thing about her is that she’s friends with Taylor Swift. My ‘80s new wave high school self can’t comprehend that fact. It’s like trying to imagine Bjork and Debbie Gibson hanging out in 1989. Ew, Shake It Off!

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Ariana Grande – I’m just going to assume that if Lorde danced like she was having a stroke then Ariana must have suffered the speech impediment side effects.

Khloe, Kendall and Kylie – Kardashian triplets, as they all look 30 yet sound 16.

Selena Gomez – She needs to know her audience. If anything, people feel sorry that she dated Justin Bieber not that she broke up with him.

Kardashian

Lil Wayne & Christina Milian – Their performance was audibly censored, not for profanity but as a gesture of good will toward viewers.

Nicki Minaj (performing with Skylar Grey) – Wearing a baptismal gown and a one of the wigs retrieved from my Halloween bin after 11 and a half months of storage.

Nicki

Diana Ross – Legend. Icon. The Boss. So how big a diva do you have to be to get someone to properly tug your wig forward a tad? Upside down you turn your weave!

Diana

Fergie – She suffered a wardrobe malfunction, but at least she didn’t piss her pants. And no, she will never live that down. La la la la la.

Jennifer Lopez – Whether on the red carpet or on stage, she’s always FLAWLESS. Well except, that time she fell performing Louboutins, but whatevs. That Vegas residency is going to be the shizz!

Queen
While I have your attention… my good friend Joshua Rogers has written a funny, romantic and realistic short-film called Pick Up, that chronicles as a young, gay man – who works as a driver for a ride sharing app – reveals his HIV diagnosis to a potential partner for the first time.

To get the film made, a Kickstarter campaign has been launched. I hope you can take a few minutes to check it out, donate if you can and help promote the campaign.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/20733870/pick-up-a-short-film

Thanks so much!

Johnny

 

 

AMAs
Things learned watching the 41st Annual American Music Awards:

  1. Pitbull actually knows a few more words than just “305,” “Mr. Worldwide” or “Dale!”. A few. Un poquito.
  2. I need Justin Timberlake’s navy tuxedo and his Brazilian blowout.
  3. There was one thing weirder & more random than having Bill Maher introduce Rihanna … having her mother present the ICON award. Sweet but completely bizarre.
  4. With the hipster/folk rock explosion at Defcon 1 levels, now the only things differentiating One Direction from Mumford & Sons or The Lumineers are hair dryers and Aqua Net.
  5. Katy Perry’s performance was unbelievable … for taking insensitive cultural appropriation to new levels, & telling young girls to love their man unconditionally — like a docile, subservient prostitute. Konichiwa, Katy Kats!
  6. Lady Gaga & R. Kelly are not Sonny & Cher … do what you want with your bodies but leave the variety show numbers alone!
  7. On the other hand, The Jennifer Lopez Variety Hour is something I would definitely watch. Wepa!
  8. First gay rights and now racism, Macklemore & Lewis are like an LMFAO Afterschool Special in the making. And that’s one to grow on.
  9. R.I.P. TLC.
  10. Miley Cyrus struck the perfect balance every female pop star strives for … proving you can really sing while still effectively showing off your adorable pussy.

The American Music Awards are the most important award show to air on the last Sunday of November on ABC. It’s true. Now if you were too busy watching Homeland, Walking Dead and Ja’mie: Private School Girl, you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about.  Consider yourself lucky.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Katy Perry — Misguided performance aside, her arrivals dress was a huge improvement over her usual red carpet looks which tend to navigate the spectrum between Kelly Bundy and an extra on Real Housewives of OC.

Pitbull — You are from Miami. You are Latin. You speak Spanish. You grew up poor. WE KNOW! ¡Dios mio, callate la boca!

Taylor Swift — She’s creating a Dynasty … by serving Heather Locklear Sammy Jo Carrington Realness.

Justin Timberlake — Buffed up, no signs of Jessica Biel and flirting with Taylor Swift. This will not end well …except for Taylor’s future album sales.

Emma Roberts — Unfortunately for Em & her stylist, L.A.’s ban on plastic bags doesn’t start until January.

One Direction — Boy band or a ZARA store come to life? Ok, so they’re growing on me … except for the frosted tips/highlighted one who looks like he’s still in O-Town.

Ariana Grande — Very talented little lady who seems like she can do no wrong … until the photos/videos are leaked. #allthekidshavethem

Marc Anthony — Kohl’s sponsored the AMA’s Best New Artist award … and his outfit.

Ke$ha — Between the facial bone morphing, Amanda Bynes hair and the somewhat dramatic black gown, I wasn’t sure if it was her or yet another Lady Donatella wannabe.

Rihanna — I love me some RiRi but giving her an ICON award after being around 8 years is sillier than wearing a bobby pinned Rite Aid weave to an award show.

Naya Rivera — Flawless as Whoreticia Addams!

Dave Grohl & Joan Jett — Caught between rock and a hard place. Yowza! Was that really Joan or Chita Rivera?

Wayne Newton — Burn victim! But don’t call another doctor!

Kelly Osbourne — Wearing 50 shades of …don’t you know any gays? Joan Rivers will not be happy about this.

Nicole Richie — She’s back to her baby weight … 7lbs, 6oz.

Florida Georgia Line — Deport.

Daisy Fuentes –‘Memba her? 47 and fabulous! Proof that a successful line at Kohl’s can buy an appearance on national TV.

Pete Wentz — Adorbs! He’s like Paul Rudd with guyliner. Just don’t stand next to Amazonian Taylor Swift, little fall out boy!

Alicia Silverstone — Speaking of Rudd, Cher Horowitz looks amazing!

Jennifer Hudson — It’s been almost 5 years now, feel free to mention her name without saying the words “weight loss.” #enough

Christina Aguilera — Looks and sounds fabulous. But when is Dirrty Xtina making a comeback?! Bring on the ratty colored extensions!

Austin Mahone & Kendall Jenner — Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s designer impostors.

Avicii — “Wake Me Up?” Um, it looks like he hasn’t slept in months. #justsayno

Jeremy Renner — What the? Does he have a line at Kohl’s too?

Jennifer Lopez — Two words: Iris Chacon. Google her!  Whatevs Britney, where’s JLo’s Vegas show? Somewhere in heaven Celia Cruz is smiling … unlike Lisa Left Eye Lopes.

TLC — Don’t go chasing comebacks … especially with Lil Mama.  And who styled T-Boz? Pebbles? All I know is someone better sue.

Lady Gaga — Go back on the horse you rode on! On a positive note, it’s safe to say she didn’t copy this SNL skit performance from Madonna.

Miley Cyrus — God damn you, Miley. You just gave everyone — and their mother — 11 months to get next year’s Halloween costume ready. Yeah you you wreck me!

JLO_Mystique
Jennifer Lopez is so ridiculously gorgeous that she’s a genetic mutant.

The 43-year-old former reality TV judge showed off her trademark boricua curves in a skin tight blue dress at the amfAR Inspiration Gala in New York City on Thursday.

She’s one sexy shapeshifter.