2006 EMMYs

There are officially no real television stars! Film and music celebs are so much more interesting. And since all a program needs to be considered a hit these days is a weekly viewer ship of about 15 million, there are loads of shows with casts that NO ONE recognizes. Boy could this show have used one of Teri Hatcher’s I-used-to-be-a-has-been speeches.

You know it’s bad when the cast on Big Brother:All Stars is more exciting. Go Janelle!

I know it’s late but my job these days doesn’t leave for as much free time as before.

So feel free to ask for your money should you not be pleased with your recap purchase.

As always I appreciate your comments and love. Send them my way at lopeyj@yahoo.com.

Until the VMAs on Thursday night!

-Johnny Lopez

Annette Bening – Even without Hilary Swank nominated, poor Annette still can’t win a damn thing.

Barry Manilow – Sporting the latest from the Barbara Walters wig collection. I hear Rod Stewart owns one too. My question is: when he yelled “Alright Dick!” at the end of his performance was it meant to be a shout out to Dick Clark or did he finally come out of his Copacabana closet?

Blythe Danner – I hate giving any sort of Gwyneth-related praise, but Blythe looked great. That being said, the woman owns more shawls than an entire village of Italian widowed grandmothers.

Bob Newhart – Silly me thought he was already dead.

Calista Flockhart – Why, Mary Tyler Moore, look how young you’ve gotten!! Nothing says eating disorder like a return to primetime television. Are black teeth a sign of anorexia nervosa or was she just drinking red wine backstage? Since she’s got that new TV show this fall and dates Harrison Ford it’s pretty much an even draw.

Candice Bergen – Do me a favor and pass me Blythe Danner’s shawl cause we need to cover this up quick. Sporting the latest from Bed, Bath & Beyond’s Kimono-Cowboy Ready to Wear Collection.

Charlie Sheen – aka Carlos Estevez – Call me crazy but I think by divorcing Denise Richards he may actually be through with the whores.

Christopher Meloni – HUNK

Cloris Leachman – What Farrah Fawcett could look like if she had some good work done!

Dick Clark – I’m not going there.

Candy Spelling – What’s the going rate for a relationship with your daughter?

Tori Spelling – Since she’s ain’t getting shit from her mom now, she and her Z-list actor husband can start making Red Shoe Diaries films for a living together or at the very least a sequel to Mother, May I Sleep With Danger!

Farrah Fossil – The best she’s look since they reassembled her face. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t she fight with Spelling over money and left Charlie’s Angels after one year? Poor Cheryl Ladd was an Angel for much longer and got ass for it.

Kate Jackson – I believe she’s still up on that stage talking. And had Aaron let her make Kramer vs. Kramer like she was supposed to her career could have been completely different.Meryl Streep different.

Jaclyn Smith – She was always my favorite Angel. Still gorgeous but needs to stop getting work done before she starts looking like a Beverly Hills-enstein. Remember when she was the only celeb with a fashion line?

Edie Falco – Once and for all Mystic Tanning does not, I repeat, does NOT look natural! Unless you consider Cheez Doodle orange a natural skin tone.

Ellen Pompeo – If the look she was going for was that whole white-trash-unwed-teen-mother- 7/11-attendant-with-a-nuyorican-accent thing then kudos. Mission accomplished.

Eva Longoria – Next to the sea of relative unknowns (sorry “The Office,” “Grey’s Anatomy” and Gillian Anderson) Eva comes off looking like she’s a Julia Roberts-size supastar!

Evangeline Lilly – Gorgeous. Place your bets now: How long before she’s in a romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey?

Felicity Huffman – Remember huh? What a difference a year makes.

Heather Locklear – Somebody apparently got the name of Madonna’s doctor! Now be a doll and give their # to Fawcett.

Heidi Klum – Her next reality show should be called Project Tubes Tied. The girl is so fertile that Hezbollah just attacked her.

Howie Mandel – Who let him get famous again? Did we learn nothing from his 80s rubber glove over the nose trick? He and Joey Lawrence are trying to pull a McConaughey/Gyllenhall –only they are vying for the Mr. Clean role instead of Lance Armstrong.

Jamie Pressly – Am I suppose to be impressed she got nominated for basically playing her pre-(and possibly post)Hollywood self? I guess those 583 FHM covers finally paid off.

James Woods – He’s dating a 20-year-old but he’s TWENTY-times-three-years-old. Somebody check his Jon Benet alibi!

Jennifer Love Hewitt – She’s growing up. How can I tell? Her hips don’t lie. As Barry Manilow can attest to.

Jeremy Piven – Let’s see. He brought his mom, wore an ascot and mentioned fluffer in his acceptance sheet. What do you think he’s trying to tell us? Hmmm.

Joan Collins – Somebody oughta stop letting granny do her own makeup!

Julia-Louis Dreyfus – Hasn’t aged since the “Seinfeld” finale. When you’re married to an albino, how can you possibly almost forget to thank him?

Katherine Hiegl – No, don’t worry. That wasn’t Charlize Theron at the Emmys. It was just one of the droves of unknown actresses on “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Leslie Jordan – (Beverly Leslie from Will and Grace) – a non-“Brokeback” gay reference at an award show?? But this isn’t the Tonys!

Mariska Hargitay – Fantabulous. She takes after her mom, Jayne Mansfield, and has a good head on her shoulders.

Matthew Perry – A new Matthew Perry TV show can only mean one thing: Let the weight fluctuations begin!

Megan Mullally – The thing is, everyone wants to see Karen Walker’s talk show NOT Megan Mullally’s! What is she thinking?

Patrick Dempsey – He had the best head of hair of the night. Well, besides Tyra’s wig of course.

Ray Liotta – Or was it a Rhesus Monkey? Global warming wouldn’t be such an issue if only the Polar icecaps were as frozen as his face.

Ron Livingston – Y’all can have Pitt, Clooney and Depp. Give me Livingston and I’ll call it a day. Yum.

Sean Hayes – Now with the show cancelled, his Lance Bass moment should be no more than 24-36 months away.

Simon Cowell – In the words of Valerie Cherish, “I don’t need to see that!” I haven’t seen that much exposed cleavage since the 2004 Super Bowl.

Steve Carell – With the exception of Rainn Wilson, how cute has the cast of “The Office” gotten in these two years?! Not that I know their names.

Tina Fey – With Tina not returning to the show, the only reason left to watch SNL is to get your Saturday night guests to leave sooner.

Tom Selleck – God bless ’em. Someone’s gotta keep the 70s porn look alive.

Tony Shaloub – One day soon people will start watching “Monk” and then he’ll finally be able to get his name off the no-fly list.

Tyra Banks – Her dress cost $55K and her jewels $3 million. And we wonder why the world hates Americans! I haven’t seen someone pose this hard since Garth Brooks came out with Chris Gaines.

Virginia Madsen – I see what she bought with her “Sideways” money –tits!

Jean Smart – Looking young is always good. But looking like a young Tanya Tucker –not so good.

Leah Remini – Her exchange with Ryan Seacrest over Suri Cruise was priceless. A metrosexual pipsqueak should never mess with a spicy Brooklyn Italian Scientologist. If Seacrest goes missing this week — now you know why.

Debra Messing – Everybody wave goodbye to the nice redheaded lady.

Amy Poehler – Doing her best Sharon Stone impersonation ever!

Chandra Wilson – Seat filler? No, just another one of those anonymous “Grey’s” gals. Can they please wear nametags?!

Cheryl Hines – She needs to Curb Her Enthusiasm for the bedazzler.

Gillian Anderson – We can finally take her picture off the milk cartons. She’s surfaced — although pregnant and wearing a graduation gown. Maybe the truth IS out there.

Geena Davis – It’s like staring into Jen Garner’s face after 20 years of botched botox.

Harrison Ford – He needs 20 years of botched botox!

Kyra Sedgwick – Even Amtrak doesn’t have a train as long as hers.

Lisa Kudrow – She should have won for “The Comeback.” Pure Genius. Rent it and see for yourselves.

Sandra Oh – The role of Mr.T will now be played by Sandra.

Vanessa Minnillo – Ladies and gentlemen representing Flushing, it’s Miss Queens 2006.

Portia di Rossi – I see a guest spot on the “L-Word” in her future. If Ellen will let her.

Denis Leary (and his wife) – I swore it was new lesbian super couple Ellen DeGeneres and Ellen Barkin. Strange.