Due to the crisis in the East, my recap is coming a little later than normal. And by crisis I do mean the death of Anna Nicole Smith. You have no idea what the last few days have been like at work. Insane! But I digress.

Things I learned by watching the 49th Annual Grammy Awards:

1. By the looks of Hilary Duff, Shakira, Nelly Furtado, Christina Aguilera, India Arie and Weird Al, it appears the flat iron is (finally) dead! The perm is back. Long live Rhea Pearlman.

2. Rachel Zoe has retired her crown as Hollywood’s premiere stylist to the head costumer of 80s TV dance program “Solid Gold.” Please note: Vanessa Minnillo, Hilary Duff, Petra Nemcova, Carrie Underwood, Natasha Beddinfield.

3. If you are a musical legend like The Doors, Maria Callas or the Grateful Dead, your Lifetime Achievement award will consist of two sentences, a pan to your nearest living kin, and awkward applause. Now back to a performance by Ace of Base and JoJo.

4. The only thing worse than a bad host is… no host. Someone give me a joke, any joke. Even a bad joke. Despite 57 performances, the show moved slower than a Kirk Douglas speech.

5. Since the music industry has had a hard time creating pop stars on their own lately, the Recording Academy caved and turned to “American Idol” style theatrics to try to drum up some interest in the telecast and maybe discover the next Carrie, Clay or Kelly. They didn’t. Robin Troup meet William Hung. Will this whole need to get “the people at home” involved please end!

As always feel free to send any comments, feedback and donations to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.

Until the Gay Super Bowl (aka the Oscars) on Sunday, February 25th.

-Johnny

The Police – The big news wasn’t that they reunited, but that Sting doesn’t age! Sadly, it seems he transferred those excess years to Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers. Sting looks great for 55. His wife Trudie should count herself lucky, although his shaved armpits are a little disturbing.

Tony Bennett – He also looks great… for 109, but is he really the best person to be leading Stevie Wonder on stage? Talk about the blind leading the blind!

Stevie Wonder – Wearing Paula Abdul’s dress in mens.

Joan Baez – Kumbaya! Someone’s been taking styling advice from Helen Mirren. Amazing at 65!

Dixie Chicks – Five for fighting! After being denounced, depressed and detwanged, the decountrification of Natalie, Emily and Martie is officially complete. I love these bitches, but Natalie’s white 80s prom performance gown was not ready to make nice either! But seriously, who needs Grammys when you get to go home to Adrian Pasdar from “Heroes”!

Gnarls Barkley – Or was it Big Gay Al Roker?

Prince – Everybody say it with me “Linda Dano weave!” The white suit was courtesy of Bay Ridge’s own Tony Manero. The man is a genius. He hasn’t had a hit in over a decade, yet still gets himself booked on the Super Bowl, the Grammys — and just barely missed out an Oscar nom. America loves midget, androgynous rockers in heels and a Spiegel catalog suit.

Beyonce – The only thing worse than her arrival dress – her Glendale Galleria kiosk polyester hair weave! Wash and wear. Her performance wig and giddyup, er, I mean get-up were a tad better, although the dress was so sheer you could almost to see her curly-qs. B needs to go to Churchill Downs and score some new weaves!

Black Eyed Peas – The only thing faker than will.i.am’s ear-cessory: Fergie’s chola accent! If Fergie Fugs really wants to be more ‘glamorous,’ she should consider lowering the hems on her red carpet nighties to just below her black eyed V.

Mary J. Blige – Who doesn’t worship at the Church of Blige? That being said, I don’t mean to haterate, but haven’t we been hearing about her drug days for the last 7 years?? I’m glad she finally got her Grammys, but girl needs to let it rest. Hallelujah, holla back! And it doesn’t matter how many buns she puts in her hair, there ain’t nothin’ that can make an exposed tattoo and a gown look classy. Just ask Melanie Griffith. Loved the red 70s jumpsuit/Farrah hair a million times more.

Queen Latifah – Even Al Gore would have looked more comfortable in her dress. Contrary to popular belief, Beyonce isn’t the person who wants Jennifer Hudson killed the most. If anyone’s career is about to be hijacked, it’s Tifah’s!

Justin Timberlake – Raise your hand if you are tired of his bringing suitsback look! I mean, it looks great and everything, but he’s getting so predictable and boring. Snore. And I could have done without the whole “Blair Witch” element of “What Goes Around.”

Robin Troup – She won a contest and got to sing at the Grammys. At the Grammys! Britney hasn’t even done that!

Samuel L. Jackson – “Snakes on a Plane” is no longer the worst thing he’s been in this year. That honor goes to his Janet Reno inspired Chico’s ladies sweater.

Pink – MARVELOUS! She had me tickled pink! The best she has ever looked. Her body looked amazing, she chose a chic black number, and even her power dyke do looked hot! But in order to get that Vogue cover, she better laser off those trashy tats.

Brooke Hogan – Looking like a classic Old Hollywood… hooker! She kept bragging that she did her own hair and makeup. You don’t say! She might wanna try getting a dress in her size next time. Daddy would be so proud, because she was the incredible “Hulk” last night.

Natalie Cole – Presenting with Ornette Coleman, who I swear I heard say “Spare some change?” Her hair, makeup and dress made her almost seem like a biological woman.

Corinne Bailey Rae – Adorable. Have you downloaded “Like a Star” yet? What are you waiting for?!

John Legend – So hot! Love his undone bowtie at arrivals, which Ludacris then copied during his performance.

John Mayer – How do you say, ‘lost all your cred by dating a pop whore’ in Japanese? His treatment of Ryan Seacrest at arrivals made Angelina’s Globes disgust seem downright cordial. I love his music — it’s better than Tylenol PM!

Nelly Furtado – Is “Promiscuous Girl” her “Sugar Walls?” How else do you explain her need to emulate a mid-80s Sheena Easton?! The return of the Toni Home Perm. Does Johnny Weir know his uniform is missing?

Natasha Beddinfield – Brit Ekland 2.0

Pussycat Dolls – Every single one of them looks like a “Pretty Woman,” if you know what I’m saying! Do they still charge by the hour if you splurge for all of them?

Christina Aguilera – Who da skanky one now, Britney? That voice could wake the dead, or at least Tony Bennett. How hard do you think it will be to get all of her Cheese Doodle orange tanning makeup off her white suit? Toni Home Perm strikes again!

James Blunt – The cute Jon Heder. If I never hear “Beautiful” again it will be too soon. You’re not at a weekend brunch in Echo Park. Dress up! And what was with Linda Perry and her albino girlfriend behind him at arrivals? That was a whole lotta strange.

Petra Nemcova – As long as she is with Blunt, she will have to be happy sporting all of Nicole Kidman’s Tom Cruise-era pumps. Her “Solid Gold” dress doubles as a thermo-wrap… should a Tsunami hit Staples Center.

Shakira – The new Charo. Perm-alicious! The Toni Home Perm done right! Don’t know how she did it, but mija took Beyonce’s Globes’ dress, cut it up, and made it look 10 times classier. You know I’m telling the truth cuz “Hips Don’t Lie.”

Burt Bacharach – First Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart morph into Barbara Walters and now Burt turns into a combination of Beverly Ann from “Facts of Life” and Annie Lennox. Tell me “Why?!” Are they casting a movie version of “Golden Girls” that I’m not aware of?

Seal – Winner of the Grammys alterna-tux award. Just enough rock-n-roll, but still chic and simple.

Luke Wilson – I get that Alyson Hannigan and that other girl from “How I Met Your Mother” were there because of CBS, but explain why Luke was? Is he sleeping with JT too?

Mandy Moore – Yikes! Is she opening for the Indigo Girls? ‘Cause all that was missing from her tie-dye couture was a pair of Birkenstocks and some leg hair. But you’d give up too if you read the reviews for “Because I Said So.”

LeAnn Rimes – You know she has a hit out on Carrie Underwood. The only thing disappearing faster than her career – her breasteses.

Carrie Underwood – Another CONTEST WINNER gets her Grammy. She gave the best impersonation of Reese Witherspoon’s “Walk the Line” performance I’ve ever seen. Yes Carrie, you can sing at the Grammys… just not your own songs! How much you wanna bet she has a sex tape?!

Rascal Flats – Can we do some DNA testing on the lead singer? I swear he/she does the door at the L-Word Bar and Grill.

Imogen Heap – Kudos for getting noticed Ms. Imogen ‘trash’ Heap. At least now moms in Des Moines have heard of you! The funny thing is that it’s not too far off from some of Gwen Stefani’s everything-and-the-kitchen-sink ensembles. Where’s a NASA diaper when you need one?? I actually thought the strangest thing about the whole debacle was her un-groomed eyebrows. Is it the 90s?

Christina Ricci – She looked so good that I barely noticed her usual resemblance to E.T. last night.

Smokey Robinson – All his botox gives new meaning to the line “So take a good look at my face, you’ll see my smile looks out of place.” I’ll say! And I didn’t realize Victoria’s Secret made sheer, lacey camis for men! Is Bobby Trendy his stylist now?

Lionel Richie – Hello! He sounded awesome. I don’t care what The Recording Academy says, but somehow I don’t think in 20 years Chris Brown’s “Run It” will be revered like “Hello” or “Tracks of My Tears.”

Chris Brown – Screw his “Stomp the Yard” performance, it was all about his James Brown dance homage. Hot!

Rihanna and David Spade – They wish they looked like Iman and David Bowie. It was more like Tyra and Ellen!

Hilary Duff – Yet another Solid Gold dancer with a matching perm. The return of the outta boro guidette! I had to pinch myself because I swore when she was on the red carpet I was watching lost footage from my ’89 Queens catholic high school prom. Can someone cue Richard Marx’s “Hold On to the Night” for me?

Jennifer Hudson – Two weeks and counting until the J. Hud backlash begins. Everyone knows your career starts spiraling downward the minute you finish your Oscar acceptance speech. Just ask Nicole Kidman, Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones — to say nothing of Anna Paquin, Mira Sorvino and Whoopi Goldberg.

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Tell me I’m not crazy, but Anthony Kiedis was hot once, right? Now he just looks like Hilary Swank. And you know the women in the audience were not having all that confetti/feathers in their weaves. Hells to the no!

Al Gore – Um…excuse me, but let’s not forget it was Al’s wife, Tipper, who started the PMRC (Parent’s Music Resource Center) back in the 80s to censor music. So continue being carbon-free, but save your whole ‘I love music’ crap for someone who cares.

Scarlett Johansson – Brooke Hogan’s look done correctly. Since it’s a Hollywood law that when one celeb pop tart checks into rehab another one gets her wings, the part of Lindsey Lohan will now be played by Scarlett. And she’s on her way to a great start: breaking up w/one celeb boyfriend (Hartnett), then hooking up with another in public (JT), and now recording an album. Looks like it’s T minus 10 and counting until we see her cookie-o-puss.

Melissa Rivers – Was that her dress or was she late getting back from her mani/pedi/chin wax in Little Tokyo? Konnichiwa. Bangs by Alicia Keys.

Ryan Seacrest – aka the red carpet punching bag. What are we gonna do about this little bird shouldered boy? Someone needs to tell him that these celebs aren’t really his friends. You are not one of them. Impostor. Like a contest winner.

Madonna – No, she wasn’t there, but it’s been 25 years since her first single, “Everybody,” was released and Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone Penn Ritchie is still winning Grammys. Even though it wasn’t televised (only about 10% of categories are), Madge took home Best Electronic Dance album. She may be a crazy wannabe British Kabbalist baby stealer, but I still love her. Sorry.

Ya se acabó!

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