2006 Grammys – 2/9/05

by Johnny Lopez

They need to rename this The Grammy Performance Show, because they barely give out any awards. There are 108 categories (not 500 like Joan Rivers proclaimed) and maybe 10 awards were actually televised.
Can someone please answer me this: Why are there still Latin music awards given out at the Grammys, isn’t that what the Latin Grammys are for?

Regardless, here are Six Lessons I learned from The 48th Annual Awards:
1. Lifetime Achievement and Trustee Award recipients are only worth 60 seconds of airtime.
2. TV contest winners will be rewarded and praised to within an inch of their lives.
3. Country artists and nominees may come to the show—if they want.
4. Network brass is free to invite stars of their shows no matter how irrelevant it seems (stay tuned for the cast of “King of Queens” presenting Best Rap/Sung collaboration).
5. Madonna can do whatever she wants whenever she wants to whomever she wants, nomination not required.
6. If you didn’t recognize the plethora of identical looking rappers and skinny-tie clad rockers at the Staples Center, don’t fret. They will have the shelf life of a Lou Pearlman boy band.

On with the recap!

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Until the Oscars on March 5th.
Johnny Lopez

PS—For those of you who were asking, my comments in US Weekly’s Fashion Police will now be seen every other week.

Gorillaz – The first time Madonna has dueted with cartoon characters since her VMA kiss with Britney + Christina.

Madonna – Cue ZZ Top cuz “she’s got Leggs and she knows how to use ‘em!” Channeling her inner Cyd Charise. Too bad her voice isn’t as flawless as her body. FYI-she didn’t lip synch the first portion, it was a video (notice the difference in her hair from the main performance). Say what you want about her vocal talents, but the English Rose is FORTY FUCKIN’ SEVEN YEARS OLD. How old are you?! Some say her hair is very Valerie Cherish (Lisa Kudrow “The Comeback”) or Farrah Fawcett. I say it’s more Lydia Cornell/Sara Rush in Too Close For Comfort—you know, the blonde daughter! I wonder what the Kaballah has to say about middle-aged mothers of two dancing around in their underwear. She’s the winner of best vadge of the night—no camel toe here boys and girls. Corset #1 of the evening. Guy Ritchie was nowhere in sight, looks like someone’s gonna be SORRY!

Alicia Keys – Someone’s been getting her style tips from watching The L-Word. See, there are women in real life that look like the characters on that show.

Stevie Wonder
– The only person allowed to wear sunglasses inside of ANY award show. Ever. I’m talking to you Kanye, Bono and Jack Nicholson.

Kelly Clarkson
– She’s the female Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Great American Success Story of the 21st Century. From CONTEST WINNER to top of the charts to Grammy Winner. My fellow Americans, I give you the future first female US President! Or is she the music industry’s version of Christa McAliffe, watch for her Grammy Space Shuttle to explode any minute now! She changed out of her ugly black arrival dress (compliments of Bed, Bath and Beyond), into her ugly red performance dress and back again. Was that a pre-Idol video confessional or her application for Extreme Makeover? Since you been gone, Kelly Clarkson has morphed from a brunette, pudgy nose quasi-Asian looking chick to an industry backed bonafide rock star. Paula Abdul be damned!

Justin Guarini
– No, he wasn’t there. But he’s doing well. I just saw Guarini in first class on my flight to NY—WORKING!

Nicole Kidman
– I wasn’t aware that Cyborg Replicants could enjoy music. She’s the only thing less human than the Gorillaz.

– Tonight the music of U2 will be played by Coldplay. I hear Chris Martin has unsafe sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. It may just be a rumor though, Lady Gwyneth wouldn’t do such things.

John Legend
– He’s like Alicia Keys but with Grammys. No, that’s not right. Ok, he’s the masculine Alicia Keys. Let me try that again. Alright, he’s a female-loving Alicia Keys. Shoot. Uh…how ‘bout he plays the piano just like Alicia Keys. Ok, I think that works.

– The technical difficulties and the one-minute length performance confirms that Country artists are the redheaded albino bastard children of the Recording Academy. The lead singer is the first soccer mom of Country of the night.

Alison Krauss
– The second Country soccer mom of the night.

Keith Urban
– His hair makes him look more like Keith SUB-Urban soccer mom #3. The biggest lie of the last 3 years isn’t about Weapons of Mass Destruction but that men think they can pull off highlights and a flatiron and still maintain any sort of dignity.

– Old men in leather can mean only one of 2 things: Fetish night at The Manhole or The Grammys! They win Album of the Year, among others, and thank their fellow nominees:
Kanye is praised. Paul McCartney is told he apparently discovered this country. C’mon Bono, he’s old, but not that old. Mariah has a voice of an angel. And Gwen Stefani gets complimented for her LOOKS! You can dress it up in fancy bows all you want but a dis is still a dis! Holla back, girl!

– I know I have trouble finding sunglasses that look good on my face but this is ridiculous! Somebody needs to stop shopping in the Chem Lab section of Sunglass Hut. Anyone got a Bunsen Burner on them?

Larry Mullen Jr
– He’s about as hot as Heather Graham’s TV career. Que paso?

Adam Clayton
– Maybe he should have married Naomi Campbell when he had the chance.

The Edge
–He is slowly emerging as the hot one in U2, by default.

Mary J. Blige
– Her voice is a ONE and only. Nobody brings it like La Blige. That being said, Mary Mary, the Queen Victoria meets Julius Caesar hairdo has got to go. Corset #2 of the night, but this time it looked more like a saddle. Can her stylist stop the HATERATION!

David Bowie
– Damn! His Lifetime achievement could have been called GONE in SIXTY SECONDS cuz that’s how long the Academy gave him. Expect to see a proper all-star tribute featuring the likes of The White Stripes, Martina McBride, NSYNC and DMX upon his DEATH.

Kanye West
– The ego has landed. Everything from the gloves to the glasses to the attitude was completely over the top. By the way Kanye, Destiny Child’s Bug-a-Boo and Hollaback Girl beat you to the punch on that whole marching band thang!

Gwen Stefani + Gavin Rossdale
– I give you the Ryan and Reese of music. Hold Gwen’s purse Gavin, that’s your JOB. Sadly the only music you’ll ever hear coming from Bush again will be the cries from Gwen’s. The most minimalist she’s ever looked. What did she do with the kitchen sink?

Paul McCartney
– Nana is that you? What is it about aging rock stars that turns them into elderly women? Case in Point: McCartney, Manilow (who has the #1 album in the country this week), Steven Tyler and Rod Stewart.
I’m sure Sharon Tate’s family is just thrilled that he chose to sing Helter Skelter last night. “Free Manson” t-shirts available at grammy.com. Paul, Jay-Z and Linkin Park singing “Yesterday”on the same stage, somewhere in The Dakota Yoko Ono is dialing her lawyer and cursing in Japanglish.

Jennifer Love Hewitt
– lost amongst the sea of Black Eyed Peas! Here’s a “whisper” for J.Love to hear: she recorded three albums and the only way she can get a seat at the Grammys is to have a series on the network airing the awards. And what happened to her Audrey Hepburn look she’s been rockin’ for 5 years? Last night she was Kate Jackson in a Cher wig.

Black Eyed PLEASE
– With band members named will.i.am, Fergie, Taboo and apl.de.ap, Black Eyed PLEASE, Don’t Phunk with my NERVES!

– Trannie BROWS. I heard her speak on the green carpet and there was no trace of her faux-Puerto Rican accent. No No No No Don’t Lie! Almost unrecognizable without an exposed vagina.

– The Recording Academy was like “you can perform during the Sly Stone tribute but the whore and the 2 clowns cannot!”

Ellen DeGeneres
– the second most powerful lesbian in the audience—next to Paul McCartney.

Mariah Carey
– The comeback hits a bump in the road. 3 out of 8 Grammy wins (of which none were televised) and loses the opening performance slot to NON-nominee Madonna. She better just ‘Shake it off’. The performance was a snore. A choir does not an interesting performance make. I wanted her to rip the bottom of her dress, reveal one of her trademark hoochie frocks and gives us an up-tempo number. Instead we got some of her classic signature octave exercises, Rapunzel hair and the de rigueur Tourette’s-of-the-hand fluttering. If it’s any consolation they started playing “We Belong Together” after U2 won for Song of the Year. Oops!

Teri Hatcher
– Desperate CRACKHEAD. If you haven’t seen Teri’s exchange with Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet then track it down. COKED OUT OF HER MIND at 4pm Pacific Time. She was doing her best Janice Dickinson impersonation. The only thing worse than a gown and an exposed tattoo–exposed underwear. Talk about Trashy lingerie. It was SHEER terror!

Michael Buble
– He didn’t win a Grammy or get to perform, but he presented with Hatcher so I’m betting he at least got a hand job.

Bonnie Raitt
– Looked non-pulsed by Kelly Clarkson’s shout out. Presenting with James Taylor they were the grannies of The Grammys.

Jenna Elfman
– The Return—for now. Scientology forces you to marry gay men and give up your free will but on the plus side her sitcom “Courting Alex” is a hit. Oh look, I think I see Heather Graham entering the Scientology Celebrity Centre as we speak.

Faith Hill
– more like Faith over-the-Hill. What happened to glamorous, Versace clad Y2K Faith? Behold the fourth Country soccer mom of the night.

Joss Stone
– Towering 3 feet above everyone on the red carpet, she was like one of the talking trees in Lord of the Rings—except a little hairier. No one bought her sophomore album but everyone wants her to perform with them–barefoot. Sorry Grammy Academy but that don’t pay Joss’ rent or her pedicure bills!

– It’s Daffy Duck in a “Skating with the Celebrities” ensemble. Settle down girl, you won the competition already, you don’t have to try so hard.

Devon Lima
– (performing with Fantasia) Remember him from the boy band LFO? Neither did anyone else.

Adam Levine
(Maroon 5) – 98 Degrees + Jessica Simpson + Maroon 5 = Herpes Simplex 1, 2 and 3.

– I have one thing to say, sashay shante, shante, shante, shante! GORGE! Why has she been hiding under all those bad weaves and hair colors? With the help of one Mariah whore dress she put the hermaphrodite rumors to rest and let us all see her ‘Goodies’.

Steven Tyler and Joe Perry
–aka IN MEMORIAM personified. Are they from Aerosmith or The Pirates of the Caribbean? Is Steven Tyler going for the anorexic Carly Simon look or is baboon chic the newest trend to emerge from Olympus fashion week?

Sly Stone
– the demon spawn of Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav.

Tom Hanks
– or Bono sans colored goggles? Hasn’t “DaVinci Code” wrapped yet? Can’t he get rid of his straightened blow out now?

Rita Wilson
– The only thing more useless than Rita Wilson at the Oscars—Rita Wilson at The Grammys.

Bruce Springsteen
– Instead of becoming an elderly woman this aging rocker has become Bob Dylan. His was one of the lone political comments of the night. What happened Kanye? Condolezza got your tongue?

Destiny’s Child
– in HAIR WARS. After 4 months they were finally reunited. Phew!

– Fighting Temptations, Goldmember, and now Pink Panther. Looks like someone is giving Madonna a run for her money in the Singer-turned-Actress Crapfest Film Festival. At least Mariah and Britney took heed and stopped.

Kelly Rowland
– Maybe it’s time she called the 3 girls that were fired from Destiny’s Child over the years and started a new band called Destiny’s Step-Childrens. I’m sure Latanya, Latavia and Farrah can get their shift at Red Lobster covered.

Michelle Williams
– Whitney is that you? Who needs Destiny’s Child when you get an Oscar nom for playing a white woman whose husband is on the down low in Brokeback Mountain! Say my name, say my name!

Jamie Foxx
– No I’m not playing. I swear it’s true. I saw Jamie Foxx at the Staples Center dressed like he was in a marching band. For reals! I’m not lying.
Fellow graduate of the Queen Latifah School of Going Ghetto for Music Awards but Serious for Film Awards. By the way, how was that TV special of yours that NBC did NO promotion for???

Sheryl Crow
– Since her breakup from Lance Armstrong, the only thing more depressed than Sheryl—her breasts/cleavage. Someone should design a rubber bracelet for that charity!

– Just like “Sex and the City” reruns, he doesn’t get old! He needs to teach a Learning Annex class to McCartney, Aerosmith, Rolling Stones et al about his secret.

Rolling Stones
– They weren’t there but let’s just talk about that Super Bowl half-time show. If CBS is going to censor anything from that performance it shouldn’t be lyrics. It’s alot easier to explain Janet Jackson’s exposed breast to a child than the sight of a sixty-something year old man in a half-shirt and hip huggers. Oy Gevalt!

Terence Howard
– Can he please stop?! When I opened my fridge this morning he was in there too! He presented one of the 457 Lifetime Achievement awards to opera singer Jessye Norman, but I swear it was Wesley Snipes in “To Wong Foo”!

Christina Aguilera
– She makes it look so easy. Veronica Lake meets Dick Tracey’s Breathless Mahoney with a touch of RuPaul thrown in because she just doesn’t know any better. It may have been the best she’s ever looked but why does she have to pile on all that drag makeup? Where’s Jessica Alba’s makeup artist when you need him! Less is more. Tonight she was all classy and demure singing a ballad, but wait till the VMAs when her new album drops and she’s dancing around bottomless in a vat of Crisco. Dirrrty!

Herbie Hancock
– 10 time Grammy Winner and you thought “Rock It’ was a one-hit wonder. Shame on you!

Lea Ann Womack
– the 5th Country soccer mom of the night.

Garth Brooks
– From superstar to post script in 5 years. Maybe it’s time to bring his alter ego Chris Gaines back out.

Trisha Yearwood
– The 6th Country soccer mom of the night.

Fiona Apple
– The return of crazy eyes! She looks like LeeLee Sobieski but PRETTY. Besides insanity and fighting with her label, the real reason why it took 6 years for her THIRD album to come out was due to naming her SECOND album: “When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight And He’ll Win The Whole Thing ‘Fore He Enters The Ring There’s No Body To Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right.” How do you like them Apples!

Queen Latifah
– The corset trend is officially OVER and the fat lady is singing!

Dave Grohl
– Proving you don’t lose any indie-cred by dressing up at award shows. Can someone please tell me where I can get the acoustic version of “Everlong”? Quite possibly one of the best songs ever!

Sally Kirkland
– and I thought she just haunted the Oscars every year. I didn’t know her reign of terror had jurisdiction over the music industry too. The next time any of you see her at Sav-On on LaCienega please proceed with caution.

Melissa Rivers
– Aren’t there laws against horses wearing zebra print?

Joan Rivers
– On that red carpet talking to random rappers and rockers she looked about as comfortable as Jennifer Aniston at the “Mr. + Mrs. Smith” premiere.