It was an historic Academy Awards.The host was funny, a rap group performed (and won) and with nominees “Capote”, “Transamerica”, “Brokeback Mountain” and Dolly Parton, the world watched the biggest gay bash since…well, last year’s show.
While it was a year of “important” films dealing with themes like homosexuality, racism and censorship, it was also a year of record lows as far as attendance and box office.In the end, racism beat out homophobia as the gay boys lost out to a
mediocre serious film helmed by the Scientologistas. I think I can see Katie Holmes smiling.
As expected the fashion was pretty safe with no one willing to take a risk for fear of being ridiculed by every TV show, magazine, email or blog.
Before I start the recap, I know some of you have asked to receive the email quicker.I apologize for the delay (especially to you East Coasters) and as soon as I start getting paid for doing this THEN we can discuss deadlines. Hey, It’s hard out here for a temp!
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Nicole Kidman – move over Nomi Malone because Nicole Kidman is GODDESS! Nicole always looks amazing- – when the batteries are included. Hey Portia and Ellen, Nicole and Keith Urban are the new hot power lesbian couple. His chunk stripes don’t lie. Has she learned nothing from Tom?
George Clooney – Do you think when he and Nicole made “The Peacemaker” they ever imagined someday they’d BOTH be Oscar winners?So charming, handsome and talented, and always knows the right thing to say (see acceptance speech). I just can’t figure out why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.Oh yeah, I almost forgot.
Bryan Lourd – In case you don’t know who he is: CAA uber-Agent, the ex-Mr. Carrie Fisher, current gay American and Clooney’s bald “date” to the Oscars and the Independent Spirit Awards.I just hope another dead gay Republican doesn’t turn up in Carrie’s bed like last year. (google R. Gregory Stevens if you know not of what I speak) I just don’t think he’d be able to put a kibosh on the story two years running. But maybe I’m wrong. We’ll just have to check the day’s headlines and see.
Tom Hanks – Instead of worrying about acceptance speech length, he should be more concerned with his chemically straightened hair length. I most have skipped “The Da Vinci Code” chapter on blowouts. It’s almost as disturbing as The Lenny Kravitz flatiron debacle of ’04. Almost.
Ben Stiller – Starring in JOKE FAILURE.Yet it was still funnier than “Mystery Men”, “Meet the Parents”, “Duplex” and “Envy” combined. If only he HAD disappeared as this visual effects bit falsely promised. His green bodysuit was second only to Helena Bonham Carter for worst outfit of the night.
Catherine Keener – Text messaging and chatting up friends across the Kodak Theater aisle– and you thought you were bored at home?!Poor Dermot Mulroney, every trophy wife knows you never breakup with your overly-employed spouse prior to the Oscar noms.
Naomi WHAT! – I think it is safe to say she has mastered the washed out look. Shouldn’t style tips come with being best friends with La Kidman?This isn’t the way to make your Oscar nominated ex-boyfriend and his nominated common-law wife jealous.
Dolly Parton – Hello Dolly! How can you not love her?Strangely, she looked older (but more human) in 1980’s “9 to 5”.At this rate, in ten years she’ll either look like Dakota Fanning or a Mesozoic Era Joan Rivers.
Luke and Owen Wilson – piggybacking on Jon Stewart’s “talent” Baldwin Brothers joke, the Wilsons should take heed and remember that, a long, long, long time ago (in the early 90s) the Baldwin Brothers were also once considered hunks.
Jennifer Aniston – America can rest assured knowing that their little battered fawn princess in silk charmeuse is alive and well. Instead of sulking over Hurricane Brangelina she should be thanking Brad for raising her to A-list status.Otherwise, she’d be flipping property somewhere between Lisa Kudrow-ville and Courtney Cox-town.My only question is why, after12 years, two big screen flops, one divorce and 10,000 Zone meals later is she still sporting a modified RACHEL haircut. Have we seen that dress before—just shorter.
Will Ferrell and Steve Carell – Can you say “All About Eve?”The torch has been passed or should I say STOLEN.The 40 Year Old Virgin is Hollywood’s new It-man.But Steve, if your agent utters the words remake and Nicole Kidman, run for your life!
And Will, unless you look like Colin Farrell, you are only allowed so many flops (Bewitched, Kicking and Screaming, Melinda+Melinda, The Producers). Please proceed to pilot season immediately upon exiting the Kodak Theater.
Rachel McAdams – You know what was scarier than “Red Eye”, the fact that Rachel wouldn’t pose nude for Tom Ford’s Vanity Fair cover but hosted the Science and Technical Awards in that hideous yellow frock.
Morgan Freeman – His narration is so ubiquitous that I even hear the thoughts in my head in HIS voice.
Rachel Weisz – Gorgeous! Her black dress was so slimming I thought she had decided NOT to carry the baby to term.Please tell me her win ensures us there won’t be a Mummy 3. Or will it be her Stepford-Aeon-Catwoman Oscar follow-flop.Should she be flying across the country in her third trimester?
Lauren Bacall – We should exalt living Hollywood legends like Ms. Bacall and not force them to read tele-prompters that are 40 feet away!All that was missing was for her to quote Liz Taylor and yell “GLADIATOR”! How gorgeous was Lauren?! Showing pictures of her from the 40s, now was that to honor her or make her feel bad? This is how Joan Rivers’ face SHOULD look and not like it’s polyurethane self.
Terence Howard – The best he’s ever looked.The hair looked 100% better. Is he the long lost brother of America’s Next Top Model Eva Pigford?
Charlize Theron – At The Oil Baron’s Ball.Sporting one of those big bow ties from the animated feature winners—but in deep green.Kudos for doing something different.In the gilded age of uber-styling, this is the closest we are going to get to a Bjork dress or a Celine Dion backwards suit.Where are Demi Moore’s bike shorts when you need them! I can’t wait to find out what the final installment of her Oscar nominated White Trash Trilogy will be.Perhaps “The Tonya Harding Story” or maybe “Appalachia, 90210”.
Samuel L. Jackson – sans kangol: he is Yoda.
Jennifer Garner – Starring in “Look, I Almost Lost All the Baby Weight”. Hey, who let in the TELEVISON stars?! Figuratively and literally her last TRIP to the Oscars. This was her biggest misstep since ELEKTRA. She may want to consider moving “ALIAS” to that new WB/UPN hybrid network, The CW.
Jennifer Lopez – The original Bennifer. Her and Marc Anthony are the Puerto Rican Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett.I can’t even wrap my head around that relationship. After last night, there is not a drop of bronzer left within a 100-mile radius of Los Angeles. Loved the dress and the color. Flawless entrance, but the makeup was by Will Ferrell.
Kathleen Bird York – (Singing “In the Deep”) The bastard lovechild of Marica Cross and Sarah McLachlan.From the looks of the performance and set, I wasn’t sure if that beautifully haunting song was from “Crash” or “Dawn of the Dead”. The zombie dancers were just plain creepy. Ever since the Great White incident, I think pyrotechnics just makes everyone nervous. To all the native New Yorkers—can you say Happyland?
Sandra Bullock – Can someone let her know her body stocking is poking up from under her dress.She said she no longer wants to make anymore of her signature romantic comedies.I need all of us to hold her to it. I mean it, no budging!
Keanu Reeves – or his Matrix replicant? Something is off because he is not aging.I can’t quite place it. Was it the brows or the frozen face?Despite the lack of acting chops and the two failed Matrix sequels I still love me some K.Keanu in “Speed” is better than porn.
Salma Hayek – and on the seventh day God created Salma.How do you say GORGE in Mexican? Real women have curves!You have to look like Salma in order to get away with saying “Oscar wiener” and “Bill Cunti” at the Academy Awards.
Gustavo Santaolalla –(won for Brokeback’s score)- Sean Astin is that you? Hispanic composer, Asian director, gay themes and hetero actors: and I thought “Crash” was the Benetton ad of afilm!Now I hear they are making dance remixes of the score. Whose bright idea is that? Because being 35 at a club isn’t depressing enough!
Jake Gyllenhaal – He’s Clooney for the MySpace generation.I smell a romantic comedy in his future.OK, I know it’s getting to be a problem and I need to get help.When is the next Gyllenhaalics Anonymous meeting?
Jessica Alba – The patron saint of Production Assistants everywhere. Excluding “Fantastic Four”, I dare you to find a flaw. You know you’re really hot when you’re on a Playboy cover and don’t even have to show your cookies.
Eric Bana – Are he and Jennifer Connelly still receiving reparations from the Ang Lee Hulk Memorial Fund?“Hulk”, “Troy”, “Munich” and yet he still has not caught on.I smell a romantic comedy in his future.Paging Cameron Diaz.
Meryl Streep + Lily Tomlin –Lily in her black tie “Memoirs of a GAYsha” ensemble and Meryl taking a cue from Mariah with the Emancipation of Meryl’s cleavage. Her Dorothy Zbornak era of dresses is officially over. She really is in her PRIME. Now someone get these two crazy old broads off the stage.
Robert Altman – What, no mention of cinematic gems like “Pret-a-Porter” or “Dr. T & the Women?”I’ve always wanted someone to come out at the Oscars, and now I know I need to be more specific. But don’t get me wrong; I am very happy that the heart transplant recipient closet doors are finally being torn down, especially for all those lonely Red State teens!
M. Night Shyamalan – in that American Express commercial – When did he turn into Jai from Queer Eye for the Straight Girl?
Ludacris – I’m sure Luda loved it when Jon Stewart asserted that no one watching the telecast knew who Luda was.Dem is fightin’ words.
Three 6 Mafia – The biggest pimps to take the Oscar stage since Bob and Harvey Weinstein. Something ain’t right when even your Aunt Phyllis in Akron knows “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp.”
Queen Latifah – If Charlize can win an Oscar for gaining weight to play a lesbian in the movies then Queen should get one for losing weight and being one in real life. Double standards!
IN MEMORIAM – no mention of last week’s trifecta of Don Knotts, Darren McGavin and Dennis Weaver.Where is the love?
Will Smith – You can keep working and coming to the Oscars if you promise NEVER to release another album.
Jada Pinkett Smith – The same goes for you Jada.How’s that metal band Wicked Wisdom working out for ya? When’s your next set at The Grove mall
Tsotsi – winner of Best Foreign Film – and contrary to popular belief it is not a South African remake starring Dustin Hoffman.
Ziyi Zhang – I’ll give A DOLLAR to whoever can pronounce her name CORRECTLY.Then I’ll give A DOLLAR to anyone who understood all the dialogue in “Geisha”.
Hilary Swank – The best she’s ever looked, despite her sagging breasts.The real test of her acting ability will be if she ever wins an Oscar for playing FEMININE.Then she’ll be able to ask her career and matrimonially challenged husband, Chad, for advice.
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Now that he’s won the Oscar, his next stop should be VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club.The mom portion of his speech was sweet but you know, Oscar aside, she is even more proud that he SHAVED for once.
John Travolta – He’s about to don drag to for a role in “Hairspray.” Talk about art imitating life.At least now if he ever needs a ride Eddie Murphy will be more than happy to help him out.
Jamie Foxx – You have an Oscar and a hit album, there’s no reason to still be buying your shirts at Chess King.Was his date his sister or an American Idol finalist?
Reese Witherspoon – Remember when Oscar winners cried when they won?
She’s got Oscar, Ryan, two kids and an alleged $29 million to make her next film—a horror movie.Has she learned nothing from Halle, Charlize and Nicole? No action, horror or remakes post-Oscar. Just say no!But that doesn’t mean we want a “Legally Blonde 3” either.
Ryan Phillippe – Speaking of sequels, his next role: “First Wives Club 2” co-starring Chad Lowe and Nick Lachey.
Dustin Hoffman – It’s been over 15 years, you can stop being “Rain Man” now.
Diana Ossana and Larry McMurty – (Brokeback writers) – They wuz robbed.Larry looks just STRAIGHT up crazy. Brokeback face.
Uma Thurman – FANTABULOUS. Showing Naomi Whats how to wear muted tones CORRECTLY. Hey Gwynie, Nicole, Renee, Charlize and Reese, is there room in your Pretty Blonde Oscar Winner club for one more? If so then Uma better gain weight, learn to fly or play an Eskimo to up her chances.
Paul Haggis – Now that he has
stolen won the Oscar for Best Picture, watch as he tackles yet another controversial topic very near and dear to his heart (and purse strings): Scientologist-aphobia.Strangely enough, I don’t think casting or financing will be much of a problem.
Ang Lee – 500 awards show wins later and finally the GAYS are mentioned in an acceptance speech.I was beginning to think it was his ancient Chinese secret.
Jack Nicholson – arriving with his children and sitting next to his future child bride Keira Knightley. In the words of Alma Del Mar: “Jack Nasty!”
Tim Burton – There’s crazy and then there’s Tim Burton’s brand of loco. Styling by Johnny Depp. Hair by The Nick Nolte Mug Shot Academy.
Helena BOTTOM Carter – Accompanying Charlize to the Oil Baron’s Ball but as Fallon Carrington Colby—the Emma Samms years.She is literally Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride.But tread softly Helena because notice how Lisa Marie’s credits ended right around her breakup from Tim.
Sharon Stone – Reprising her role in “Casino” or the third and final guest at the Texas Oil Baron’s Ball (as Krystle Carrington).Hey who’s the crazy old lady showing her vadge in Basic Instinct 2?
Heath Ledger – I was never a fan of his and never understood the alleged sex appeal (sorry but he and his stringy hair looked gross in “10 Things I Hate About You”) but with each subsequent award show he gets more and more attractive.No sleep till Brooklyn! He and Michelle prove, once again, that the quickest way to gain acting cred in Hollywood is to move to New York. Cuz they ain’t giving out any acting awards at Kitson or Geisha House.You hear that Lindsay.
Michelle Williams – Tangerine dream! GLAMOUR personified. Red lips are the new black! Somewhere in Tom Cruise’s lair, Katie Holmes, (no longer smiling), is hooked up to an e-meter, fighting off body thetans, sobbing and wondering what the hell went wrong.
Joaquin Phoenix – If only Johnny Cash had been gay, then glory would have been all his!
Amy Adams – The real winner of this year’s Award season.I smell a romantic comedy in her future.Rent “Junebug”, she really is that good!
Felicity Huffman – What the Academy was saying by not giving Flicka the award is: you are a TELEVISION ACTRESS and don’t you forget it.In this town racism and homosexuality aren’t taboos but inter-industry mixing can end your career. With award season and Felicity’s run over, we can all now go back to ignoring the plight of transsexuals forever.
Keira Knightley – What’s wrong with her? If doing the red carpet is such a pain then don’t do it.Too much makeup. Too much necklace. Too much dress. But not enough oral hygiene. Even Lestat had a better orthodontist.
Frances McDormand – She’s still dressing like she’s in those “North Country” mines.
Paul Giamatti – Is he an Italian Jew because I swear he was wearing a yamaka? Oh, no that’s just his bald spot.
Jennifer Jason Leigh – Remember her?Now why doesn’t her husband, Noah Baumbach (Squid and the Whale), write and direct her in a movie.Girl could use an award or two.
Lauren Hutton – the part of Sally Kirkland will now be played by Lauren Hutton. BIZARRE.
Jon Stewart – Bravo. The anti-Chris Rock.Thank God he pulled it off.Otherwise the Academy was going to go with the likes of Soupy Sales, Sid Caesar or the Smothers Brothers for next year’s show.The gay cowboy bit was GENIUS! Jon Stewart for President! Buy the t-shirt at:http://www.misswit.net/stewart.html
Gayle “drag” King – Again I ask: Donde esta Stedman, Oprah?
Joan Rivers – The best Joan moments were: confusing the Six Million Dollar Man, Lee Majors, for Brokeback scribe Larry McMurty and asking Clooney on his thoughts of taking home a little gold man and “I don’t mean Jackie Chan”.Classic Joanisms at their best.
Melissa Rivers – The appendix of the red carpet. Useless.
Isaac Mizrahi – Kathy Griffin makes one Dakota Fanning joke and is banished to the Siberian hinterlands of Hollywood.Isaac asks personal hygiene questions and gropes several actresses and is asked back.Apparently gay clowns win big at the Oscars but serious depictions of gays do not!