2006 SAG Awards – 1/30/05
By Johnny Lopez

With all the A-list stars at the SAGs, it’s weird that a bigger network doesn’t air these awards. Instead it’s relegated to the bowels of your cable guide on TNT and TBS. Who knew they were two separate networks anyway?

Anyways, with CRASH being the big upset over BROKEBACK it looks like racism trumps homophobia in the Guild’s eyes. Well, that and the fact that the CRASH cast consisted of a quarter of the Guild.

Until the Grammy’s on Feb 8th!

Johnny Lopez

Randy Quaid – His brother Dennis made the infamous ‘Dick Flicks’ comment at the Globes re: Randy’s film “Brokeback Mountain”. It wasn’t very funny but it was still funnier than anything in Dennis’ last film “Yours, Mine and Ours”. After that film and Flight of the Phoenix, The Alamo, The Day After Tomorrow and Cold Creek Manor, Dennis’s recent body of work can be re-christened as Shit Flicks!

S. Epatha Merkerson – Is it me or has she been nominated for “Lackawanna Blues” for like THREE YEARS NOW? Giving a shout out to her divorce lawyer made her speech the highlight of the night. Like C. Thomas Howell and CCH Pounder before her, having a unique initialized first name does not bode well for her fame factor.

James Denton – Looks like his lady is about to become a Desperate Housewife because it won’t be long before Jimmy ditches his mid-west wife for the likes of an Olsen Twin or a “Laguna Beach” whore. We want pre-nup! We want pre-nup.

Anne Hathaway – Hey Goth girl, Which way to the Marilyn Manson concert? Ileana Douglas should be NO ONE’s style icon. “Brokeback” has wrapped, no need to continue with Lurene’s hair and makeup artist. Repeat after me: fresh, subtle, and less is more.

Patricia Heaton – Attention Ms. Heaton: Please be sure to leave your SAG card at the door. You won’t be needing it anymore!

Ray Romano, Brad Garrett, Doris Roberts, Peter Boyle – Go Away. This is just cruel and unusual punishment. In the words of that wise, old sage Heidi Klum “Auf wiedersehen”.

Thandie Newton – “Beloved”. “Truth About Charlie.” “Chronicles of Riddick.” Someone’s career was headed for a CRASH alright! It’s ok Thandie, you can eat. We won’t tell anyone. I christen thee ‘The Lovely Bones” of this award show.

Sandra Bullock – I know I’ve been slacking in reading PAGE SIX everyday lately, but did I miss something? Was that a maternity dress? Is she pregs?

Eva Longoria – I don’t know who is tinier, her or Dakota Fanning? Props for reviving the ancient tradition of doing arrivals with your LOVER, tabloids covers be damned! How creepy was seeing her sitting on Marcia’s lap?? DEMENTED Housewives.

Tony Parker – Eva’s boyfriend- I bet when they have sex it’s like trying to fit a circle into a square. If you know what I’m saying. One hot couple.

The Desperate Houswives – STOP! We’re on to your ruse ladies. Sitting on laps, wearing matching dresses, hugging at arrivals and holding hands on stage. We get it! You guys really, really, really do get along. PLEASE! You gals aren’t THAT great actresses. Are you girls sure you want the tabloid stories to stop? Be careful what you wish for you just might get it.

Sean Hayes – A surprise win. As much as the show has lost its luster, it will be sad to see “Will+Grace” end in May. On another note, did you all know that National Coming Out Day is October 11th?

Sandra Oh – She looked great—for her! Dress by Dr. Seuss. Ellen Pompeo’s Public Enemy #1. She seems like someone that would be fun to split a pitcher of beer with and just laugh.

Ted Danson – When did he become Max Headroom? And does anyone know if CBS has cancelled “Becker” yet? If so, please let CBS know.

Felicity Huffman – She won Best Actress in a Comedy series. The only problem is that I don’t think nominees Boston Legal, Everybody Loves Raymond and Desperate Housewives are really comedies!

Terence Howard – some say sexy. I say creepy. If he held up a Colt 45 I swear I was watching a Billy Dee Williams commercial circa 1979.

Michelle Rodriguez – The only person envious of Lindsay Lohan’s driving record. Her rap sheet is longer than her IMDB credits. That being said, last night was the best she’s ever looked. Ever! Oh and by the way National Coming Out Day is October 11th.

Rachel Weisz – If she wins the Oscar then she’ll make The Mummy 3. Isn’t it an Academy rule that every Oscar-winning actress follows her win with an action film?

William Shatner – VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club’s talent booker’s wet dream.

James Spader – Needs to stop hanging out with Shatner unless he wants to start shopping at Rochester Big and Tall.

Patricia Arquette – In just 10 years she went from young and fresh in “True Romance” to old and haggard in “Medium”. Too bad she couldn’t see those visions.

Marg Helgenberger – She’s gained a few ounces so she looks healthier. Even though her husband is the President of the Screen Actors Guild, it’s all the botox in her frozen face that won’t let her SAG! Dakota Fanning has more wrinkles.

Christopher Meloni – Where do you sign up to see his Special Victim’s Unit?

Jeremy Piven and Ellen Pompeo – presenting together because he stole the show from his lead co-star and her show was stolen by her supporting co-star. Don’t worry Ellen, you can still control your body weight.

Dakota Fanning – Only a few more years until she enters puberty and her silver screen reign of terror comes to a screeching halt. Haley Joel will be waiting. Also, does anyone know if Kitson carries her size or if Koi has a tween night?

Shirley Temple Black – Before Dakota, Drew even Britney there was Shirley. How creepy/twisted were some of those early clips of baby Shirley dressed as 30s actresses like Mae West? Makes you wonder what the Good Ship Lollipop really was??? The original JON BENET.

Jamie Lee Curtis – Where’s her TRANSAMERICA award? She stumbled on stage because she tripped on her PENIS! Salt-n-pepper hair on George Clooney = hot. Salt-n-pepper on Jamie—not so much.

Catherine Keener – Love her. Part of the ‘amazingly talented, completely underrated Over 40’ actresses along with Patty Clarkson and Hope Davis. But why is she divorcing a hottie like Dermot Mulroney??

Philip Seymour Hoffman – He won for Capote and was previously nominated for “Flawless.” The Screen Actors Guild’s new motto is: Play a fag, get a SAG!

Russell Crowe – No he wasn’t there. But I need a second source. Can someone double check that it was in fact Russell in “Cinderella Man” and not Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman?

Paul Giamatti –He is the Upper West Side personified.

In Memoriam – Wow! Not a good year for media icons. I thought Tara Reid’s career was the biggest casualty of 2005. I didn’t realize Gilligan, Miss Ellie, Maxwell Smart, Tony the Tiger, the Jolly Green Giant, The Riddler, Mr. Miyagi and Mrs. Robinson all died last year. Is that why they forgot about Chris Penn?

Robin Wright Penn – Girl has the worst luck. Gets nominated and 3 days before the ceremony her brother-in-law dies. Well at least Sean didn’t have to attend another award show. Although I hear he may host the Iraqi Emmys.

David Strathairn – He’s great in “Good Night and Good Luck” but too bad he can’t live his life in black and white because there are more lines on his face than in a Kate Moss video.

Benjamin Bratt – After a few years in remission he returned to looking cute. I guess Julia’s hex has slowly worn off. Now can we work on a better title for his show “E-Ring”? Is it a military series or a contraceptive device?

Amy Adams – Stop what you are doing and go rent ‘Junebug”. You won’t be disappointed.

Angela Bassett – How Stella Got Her YOUTH Back. And she’s still got her “What’s Love Got To Do With It” arms. Black really don’t crack!

Paul Newman – He won and was suppose to give a speech via satellite but unfortunately there were technical difficulties hooking up his sarcophagus.

Heath Ledger – Heath Nasty! OK he just lost all of my support. Introducing “Brokeback” by laughing, with his arm on his hip and making a light of the whole situation is insulting. Thanks for bringing us all back to the school yard where 2 men in love and kissing is funny and a big joke. Thanks for “reminding” the country that gay’s main purpose are for entertainment and making things pretty and are not to be taken seriously. Strangely enough Heath, I have no problem quitting you. GO PHILIP!

Jake Gyllenhaal – Guilty by association. Granted he looked hot in his classic tux, big bowtie, puppy dog eyes and coiffed hair and scruff but that doesn’t get him off the hook. He went along with it. Just proves that whether on or off screen he’ll always be Heath’s bitch! Riddle me this kids: whose date was hotter his or George Clooney’s!

Michelle Williams – She needs to reprimand her baby daddy’s behavior. Attention Nicole, Renee, Charlize, Gwyneth, Uma and the rest of the A-list blondes: A Star is Born! Kate Hudson is shaking in her Uggs.

Reese Witherspoon – She spent the last 2 weeks designing and sewing her own dress just to avoid another Golden Globes/Kirsten Dunst fiasco. But unfortunately it shows. Is she really going to win the Oscar for this role? I mean I loved her in it but Oscar?? If you say so.

Ryan Phillippe – For once he doesn’t go home empty handed. Maybe it’s too early to cast him in The Chad Lowe Story just yet. Would you be a doll and get me Stuart Townsend’s reps on the phone?

Hilary Swank – Were they serving lobster inside the Shrine Auditorium? Because I think she got her dinner napkin stuck on the front of her dress! Add this to the rest of her fashion LOWEs.

CRASH – I think they should have called it “Co-Inky-Dinks!” Sorry but I think it was too contrived for my tastes. But I actually really liked Sandy Buttocks in it, but maybe it was because this was the first movie where she trips AND actually gets hurt. For Your Consideration.

Allison Janey – Love her Reese/“Walk the Line” brunette do.

Candice Bergen – Does she own 100 of these outfits or does she just wear the same one to every award show. Someone needs to stop shopping at Chico’s and Talbot’s because these shirt/skirt onesy ensembles need to stop.

Charlize Theron – When Ponytails Attack! Somewhere Madonna and Jean-Paul Gautier are laughing. Regardless she’s got a gorgeous face, fantastic body, hot boyfriend and a stellar career (minus one acid Aeon-Flux). Barring infertility, once she has a baby she will officially have it all. What’s that you say? The fact that she may have killed her father and had her mom take the blame. Oh that little thing. We won’t bring that up. Shhh and go back to oogling.

Doug Savant – I never thought we’d ever see the gay guy on “Melrose Place” again. Maybe there’s hope for the other Vanessa Williams. Remember her? She was the black girl on Melrose Place, who was best friends with the gay guy on Melrose Place before they both got written out.

Laura Leighton – I never thought I’d see Sydney from “Melrose Place” again, especially at an award show other than the Daytime Emmys.

Marcia Cross – Prior to “Housewives” I never thought I’d see crazy Kimberly from “Melrose Place” again.

Nicollette Sheridan – loved the hair down. A trend is born. It took 10 years and an adam’s apple off. Nicollette Sheridan hunting season is officially over. She’s sleeping with Michael Bolton isn’t that punishment enough.

Michael Bolton – Since Nics is taking him to all these TV award shows maybe he’ll start taking her to some music award shows. If so I hope her publicist can get them Grammy tix.

Geena Davis – Her stylist should be impeached! Getting from her neck to her cleavage requires the services of AIR FORCE ONE. I think she hid an acceptance speech in the bodice of her dress just in case. A hot mess.

Kate Walsh from Grey’s Anatomy – or was it Felicity Huffman’s character in TRANSAMERICA. Somebody oughta check her grey’s anatomy!

Katherine Heigl –also from Grey’s Anatomy – Last I heard she was still on the red carpet posing for photographers.

Linda Cardelini – the third girl in “Brokeback Mtn” – Her hair needs a trip to the “ER.” Did she think she was going to Country Music Awards? Not even Velma would approve of this look.

Matt Dillon – The verdict isn’t out yet on the blue shirt but the face gets a 10!

Patrick Dempsey – He’s totally hot but his mane is bordering on becoming the male version of Texas pageant hair. Put the Aqua Net down.

Portia di Rossi – She looks great. I wonder what she’s been eating these days…

Ellen DeGeneres.

Taryn Manning (Hustle and Flow, 8 Mile) – The Jamie Pressly of the big screen. Taryn sleeps with more rappers on screen than Vivica Fox does in real life.

Jamie Pressly – Iguana face. She says “My Name Is Earl” is her favorite job in the biz so far. Wow! Really Jamie, better than even Joe Dirt, Torque or Tomcats? Are you sure?

Teri Hatcher – She’s just waiting for Felicity’s Oscar ride to be over so she can go back to being the Queen of Wisteria Lane. She should be nominated for her work at all these red carpet events; it’s some of her best work.

Joaquin Phoenix – He survived a car crash last week only to surface as last night’s train wreck. And I thought “The Village” was the worst thing he was in.

“LOST”cast– Without Matthew Fox and Evangeline Lilly up there they might as well put random NYC subway riders on the stage. It’s not like we’d know the difference.

Commercial Actors segment – Forget Reese, Philip or Desperate Housewives. The real winners last night were the 5 or so commercial actors picked to be in the segment. Keep your eye out to see which of them turn up on “LOST” next season. Next stop Grand Central Station.