Fifteen years after Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan is back and coming for Lisa Vanderpump‘s gigs!
The 32-year-old former child star turned former party girl is now a club owner, or at the least, playing one on TV.
Set in Mykonos, the premiere episode proved to be quite the educational experience. Here are 10 things I learned watching Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club.
1. The first rule of Lindsay Lohan Beach Club is never mention Lindsay Lohan Beach Club always wear a bra. Also, LOL to meeting with Spielberg! She funny.
The first rule of Lindsay #LohanBeachClub 👙 pic.twitter.com/9jujBTQfe2
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 9, 2019
2. The term “model marketing server” is apparently a thing and it’s douchy VIP lounge code for … server.
Dictionary update: Model Marketing Server #LohanBeachClub pic.twitter.com/yDfOZ30tIj
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 9, 2019
3. Blue hair is ok at Lohan Beach Club (and at the Golden Globes). But two ladies with blue hair is not. #OnWednesdaysWeDyeYourHairPink
4. There are no production assistants or cabs in Mykonos, because LiLo is still driving herself around town. LAWD HAVE MERCY!
5. Half of the show’s production budget went towards microblading for the male cast. Et tu, after-show host Jonathan Bennett.
6. Thirteen years since trust fund garbage person Brandon Davis called her out for being “$7 million poor,” Linds finally set the record straight.
7. Lindsay: “If she has more makeup than me then she’s fired.” Um, agreed!
8. It’s official, Lindsay is not 45.
Well that finally settles it! #LohanBeachClub pic.twitter.com/hQmAsOGGvh
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 10, 2019
9. Lindsay: “The second you become emotional, I’m going to become like Putin. I have no emotion when it comes to money & business.” This also explains her performances in Liz & Dick and The Canyons.
This explains “Liz & Dick.” #LohanBeachClub pic.twitter.com/UeomEFXQDD
— Johnny Lopez (@TheJohnnyLopez) January 10, 2019
10. The true star of the show are Lindsay’s statement earrings. Hopefully someone paid for them!
And finally, if you need a non-Lindsay reason to watch next week’s episode, say hello (or is it yassou?) to Aristotle. I’ll be his brand ambassador anytime!
Now let’s pretend we’re in Mykonos and dance to the anthem of a generation. Welcome back, Lindsay! #Rumors
With all the deplorable crap going on in the world, one thing we can be thankful for is being gifted two All-Stars seasons in one calendar year! As it’s only been 11 months since the premiere of All-Stars 3 in January, many of us are finally recovering from the subsequent controversial crowning of Shangela Trixie Mattel months later. HalleNOOOOO!
With that travesty behind us, here are three things I loved about the premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars 4.
- Brown Cow stunning! Monique Heart proved that with a fierce wig and a house beat anything can be fabulous. HalleMOO!
- Winter is coming, but for Farrah Moan it’s all about THE FALL. Ouch! It was the death drop heard around the world & that I rewound five times to watch. Guess her face isn’t the only thing beat for the gawds.
- Give me some Latrice Royale all day, every day! #GGGGG
Without further ado, here are the All-Stars 4 celebrity twinsies.
Monique Heart may or may not be morally corrupt, but Faye Resnick has definitely got snatch game!
Naomi Smalls is a replicant & her legs cut like a Blade …Runner.
Lawd have mercy, Trinity Taylor is full of Grace. Every girl knows a good tuck is a kween’s best friend!
Latrice Royale is a big Star, so take a little time to enjoy this view.
Valentina is pretty Sly … Stallone’s wife.
You’re perfect. You’re beautiful. You look like Jennifer Flavin. You’re a model!
Is Farrah Moan a NYC nightlife sensation? No, but she is trying to keep it real, Amanda Lepore real.
Gia Gunn came back looking like a total Fox.
The rumors are true, Monet X Change loves Tina!
Manila Luzon is so animated this season. She’s a real comic! #Nancy
Sorry haters, but Jasmine Masters is an iconic comedian. Roo roo roo!
Now sashay away until next week!
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If you’re watching Pose on FX, then you know it’s time for the House of Celebrity Dopplegangers Ball.
Blanca, your category is: Fame, Oh What A Feeling Irene Cara Up in Pumps With A Twist.
Elektra, your category is: Do You Know Where You’re Going To As A Legendary Icon Serving 70s Supermodel Diana Ross Vogue. #Mahogany
Angel, your category is: Say Hello To My Little Italian-American Actress Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio Stuntin’ As The Cuban Sis Of ‘ScarFACE’ Realness.
Pray Tell, your category is: Femme Queen First Time In A 90s Sitcom ‘Living Single’ At The Ball.
10s across the board, children. #WalkForMe
The season 10 premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race proved these chilrin are snatched for their lives!
Three things I loved about the premiere: 1. Seeing the all the queens from previous seasons. This is how you launch the first episode of the season. 2. Christina Aguilera giving us drag queen realness. It makes sense since for some of these kids, the Moulin Rouge video was their first introduction to drag. 3. Vanessa Vanje Mateo’s commentary. Someone give her a YouTube recap series stat.
Three things I didn’t like about the premiere: 1. Vanje went home. 2. Vanje went home. 3. Vanje went home. I don’t like these cookies!
Here are this week’s drag superstar twinsies!
Aquaria is a Real Housewife of NY!
She’s lip syncing to this Medley… Dorinda Medley.
Mayhem Miller, how do you like this COOKIE?!
This queen is ready for her Empire.
Miz Cracker, you’re perfect, you’re beautiful, you look like Linda Evangelista.
Sorry Valentina!
Monet X Change is a Master of None.
But she may snatch trophies like Lena Waithe.
Kameron Michaels‘ muscles will VanderPUMP you up!
Yes, SUR.
Vanessa Vanje Mateo — Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty!
Kalorie Karbdashian Williams … with a Z!
The Vixen is looking for a new love! (Jody Watley)
Monique Heart is having a Ball. (Lucille Ball)
Dusty Ray Bottoms — Hey Kitty Girl!
Now & Forever! #Cats
Yuhua Hamasaki wins the Minnie challenge!
Blair St. Clair has shown her evil side. (Ursa)
It’s going to take a superman to beat her!
Eureka O’Hara – This Runway look is a winner.
Let’s hope her sewing skills are half as good as Ashley Nell Tipton’s.
Asia O’Hara has drawn True Blood. (Lafayette)
Side note: I couldn’t find a template with 14 pics so had to pick one queen to leave out of the composite. No shade Asia. It was just the luck of the draw.
ICYMI: Here’s the one drag celebrity side-by-sides I did for All-Stars 3:
For more pop culture recaps, reads & shade, makes sure you download the latest episode of SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC podcast! Available on iTunes, Google Play, Spotify and Friendster!
Or just listen to it right here!
After finishing the second season of Stranger Things, I couldn’t help but find each of the main characters’ Upside Down bizarro twins.
With the exception of Will, they all have a doppleganger that referenced a star or character from the ’70s, ’80s or ’90s.
Anyway, enjoy the fruits of my lazy Sunday and trust there are no spoilers if you haven’t finished yet.
1. Will Byers – Anne Hathaway
Sure Will’s got that Joey Lawrence Gimme a Break Dorothy Hamill ‘do, but the only thing scarier than surviving the Demogorgon is that Anne won an Oscar for singing! I Dreamed a scary Dream!
2. Mike Wheeler – Isabella Rossellini
There are worse things for a 13-year-old boy to be compared to than the eternal beauty of Lisle Von Rohlman from Death Becomes Her.
3. Lucas Sinclair – Arnold Drummond (Gary Coleman) in Diff’rent Strokes
Whatcha talkin ’bout who ya gonna call, Lucas?
4. Dustin Henderson – J.T. Lambert (Brandon Call) from Step by Step
The scene was straight up Duckie in Pretty in Pink, but Dustin’s weave was the quintessential ‘short but long’ cut of my guido high school and this ’90s child star.
5. Eleven – Jamie Lee Curtis (Terror Train/Prom Night era)
Eleven is truly the scream queen for a new generation.
6. Steve Harrington – Sandra Bernhard
Ladies love them and their luxurious Fabergé sprayed hair.
7. Billy Hargrove – Rob Lowe as Billy Hicks in St. Elmo’s Fire
Speaking of hair, don’t forget they say the accessories make an outfit
8. Nancy Wheeler – Diane Franklin (The Last American Virgin, Better Off Dead, Bill & Ted’s)
It’s all about being an ’80s It girl. So be careful, Nancy! #WhereAreTheyNow
9. Jonathan Byers – Michael Jackson
The wispy hair, the delicate features, the pale complexion. Maybe I’m the only one that sees it, but Jonathan makes me want to SCREAM!
10. Max Mayfield – Carrie (Sissy Spacek)
A redheaded girl without many friends. Hold the pigs blood, because Max has got the power!
11. Lucas’ sister Erica Sinclair – Dee (Danielle Spencer) on What’s Happening!!
Can you say scene-stealing wisecracking younger sister? Then how about, “No Roger, No Rerun, No Rent!”
12. Joyce Byers – Winona Ryder in Lost Souls
No one does frazzled anxiety quite like Nona. She also hasn’t aged in 20 years. You can’t steal that from Saks!
And finally my favorite ’80s film reference in season 2 goes to Hopper‘s Silkwood shower.
Alien, ET, Firestarter, Pretty in Pink… (insert ’80s film here) be damned, nothing tops the hard brush scrubdown of the Meryl Streep film classic. Check out a more thorough list of ’80s references here.
And if you need something else to binge, check out my podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC! for all the week’s loud & proud pop culture noize. It’s funny, I swear!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/screaming-into-traffic/id1052412883?mt=2
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/screaming-into-traffic/id1052412883?mt=2
Let me just say it up front, I need Kardashian: The Musical to be a real, legit thing. For The Record or Rockwell in LA get on it, stat!
Whether you hate the Kardashians or really hate them, I love a good origin story. And since I was at TMZ when Kim Kardashian arrived on the scene, I have a vivid memory of the first time she was covered in the press. Even before being outed as a Friend of Paris, she was the “mystery woman” on a date with newly single Nick Lachey. ‘Memba that?!
Three things I loved this week: 1. Alexis Michelle as Kris Jenner, duh! Knailed it. 2. Sasha, Trinity and Peppermint as the trilogy of terror that was Lindsay, Paris & Britney. The patron saints of Hyde Lounge and of the long lost era of young celebrities gone wild. RIP! 3. That Valentina‘s “quick drag” mini-challenge equals beat for the gawds flawless face. #EditingSayWhat
Three things I hated this week: 1. Meghan Trainor in a onesie. No! 2. Meghan Trainor saying “Hey, gur” to this week’s winner Shea Culee. No! 3. Hearing Meghan Trainor’s song “Woman Up” during the lip sync and actually liking it. Sashay away, Johnny!
Another thing I really hated, Eureka getting sent home because of her meniscus or whatever. Farrah Moan & Cynthia Lee Fontaine were saved from what should have been a double elim. Shante you stay, but by the skin of your cucus, henny.
Now here are this week’s #SnatchGame wannabe celeb dopplegangers.
1. Nina Bo’ Nina is serving Fish … Mooney.
Screw the ATL kweens, in Gotham she’s Nina Bo ‘Nina Brown Pinkett Smith!
2. Alexis Michelle – Oh ‘Nonna she didn’t?!
This Broadway kween is a little bit country.
3. Cynthia Lee Fontaine is getting Desperate.
She should know by now, never take off your clothes and/or wig during the lip sync.
4. Sasha Velour — She’s got Bette Davis eyes!
There may be a Feud if she doesn’t win.
5. Valentina is starting her own Dynasty.
Category is: Emma Samms not Pamela Sue Martin as Fallon Carrington Colby realness.
6. Put your phones down, because Shea Culee is owning the runway.
Naomi Campbell walk!
7. Aja has a lot of Blond Ambition.
But like Madonna at the ’91 Oscars, she ain’t gonna snatch any trophies.
8. Trinity Taylor – Oh Child!
I Don’t Wanna Fall in Love with Trinity, but I do love an obscure Jane Child reference.
9. Peppermint is tickled pink.
Put that super bass in your walk.
10. Farrah Moan is drowning.
Under the sea she goes.
11. Eureka is a funny Dame.
The bright side is she’s already a legendary comedy kween!
Now get all the tea in this week’s UNTUCKED below:
My top 10 televised moments which ran in Frontiers Magazine.
With apologies to Honey Boo Boo and Kris Jenner’s evil empire, these were the year’s best televised moments.
10. THE MILEY CYRUS REINVENTION TOUR
Whether twerking at the VMAs, smoking a blunt at the EMAs or flashing her adorable pussy at the AMAs, 20-year-old reformed Disney baby Miley Cyrus had everyone sticking their tongues out as she shed her skin while simultaneously committing murder on awards show stages around the world. RIP, Hannah Montana.
9. SHARKNADO!
Just when you thought it was safe to never see another Tara Reid movie, Sharknado happened. Syfy channel’s awesomely terrible B-movie about a freak storm that causes shark-infested tornadoes to ravage Los Angeles was absolutely the best comedy of the summer. Unfortunately, the CGI unearthed to help Ian Ziering hack his way out of a great white’s belly still wasn’t as cheesy as his hair on Beverly Hills, 90210.
8. THE SOUND OF MUSIC LIVE
The hills were alive with the sound of everyone throwing shade at Carrie Underwood’s acting. Despite her line-reading skills, NBC pulled off the impossible and made three hours of live musical theater “Must-See TV.” The fact that it was a ratings hit assures that we’re about a year or two away from watching Mandy Moore and Ashanti in Cats. Now and forever!
7. THE GOLDEN GLOBES
Every awards show needs more T&A—Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. The reigning queens of comedy hysterically ripped on everyone from James Cameron to James Franco and even managed the perfect closing line after a certain rambling quasi-coming out speech—“Good night, everybody. We’re going home with Jodie Foster.” The ladies are hosting next month’s Globes, and chances are their sequel will be even better than the first.
6. THE RISE OF NETFLIX ORIGINALS
This year Netflix started creating original content, and it had the likes of HBO and AMC shaking in their critically acclaimed series’ boots. With all-new episodes of House of Cards and Orange Is the New Black available at once, Netflix changed the television programming landscape and made binge watching more fun than binge drinking. Cheers to Season 2!
5. THE BEYONCÉ BOWL
Following in Madonna’s footsteps, Beyoncé brought 13 minutes of fierceness—and hordes of gay viewers—to the most-watched television program of the year, the Super Bowl. Throw in a Destiny’s Child reunion featuring Kelly and Michelle shooting up from under the stage and we’ll let slide that Mrs. Carter had the nerve to end her weave-tastic performance with a ballad. I can see your hell no!
4. GIRLS: ONE MAN’S TRASH
You know, the one where Lena Dunham played ping pong with Patrick Wilson in the nude—and everyone shrieked. After getting past the misogynistic rants of how unrealistic a coupling it was, this fantasy episode took a break from Hannah’s usual narcissism and entitlement to perfectly highlight the vulnerability, hopes and insecurities so prevalent in one’s 20s. If you don’t think a guy would sleep with someone half his age who isn’t the standard notion of beauty and who just happens to show up at his front door, you’ve obviously never used Grindr.
3. AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN
What AHS lacks in scares this season is more than made up for by showcasing three stellar actresses at the top of their game (Jessica Lange, Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates) battling it out Drag Race-style for the best lines with even better wigs. Throw in the amazing Lily Rabe and a landslide of Stevie Nicks adulation and you’ll see why this season is supreme.
2. PROP. 8 PLAINTIFFS MARRY
The roller coaster ride that was the Prop. 8 case received the storybook ending we all dreamed of when local news stations aired outgoing L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa marrying plaintiffs Paul Katami and Jeff Zarrillo live on June 28. For once there was a reality show we could be proud to watch.
1. THE RED WEDDING
Speaking of weddings, the most controversial one of the year did not involve a Supreme Court case or same-sex couples. In one of the most violent and brutal episodes to air on television, HBO’s Game of Thrones killed off a slew of main characters and dethroned Dynasty’s “Moldavian Massacre” for bloodiest wedding reception ever. The Red Wedding is the only thing—on TV, at least—that will leave you gagging from getting so much head.