‘Drag Race’ Ru-Cap: The Tightest Snatch Game in History? (Episode 5)

The Snatch Game is usually a highlight of every season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but this year’s queens left me with nothing but a blank look on my face.

Here we have the seven most ____ things from last night.

Lactose intolerant
Sorry Darienne Lake and Gia Dumb, but snatching this crown is going to take more than just knowing how to beat for the Gawds. And, excuse me, but have they ever seen the show before? The last two winners were Sharon Needles and Jinkx Monsoon, so ragging on Milk for being ‘different’ ain’t exactly a power move. But go ahead and keep just giving face—let’s see how far that gets you. Oops, my condolences G! Ironically, throwing shade at Milk for bringing charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent by thinking out of her box is what I find really fishy.

Milkin’ It
Last week’s abbreviated runway left me with postpartum depression for not allowing us to fully digest the fierceness of Mother Milk’s Tony Awards maternity couture. It gave me pregnant pause. I will admit her Julia Child impersonation was completely undercooked, and she needs to attempt straightforward glam at least once, but Miss Leche’s ‘male RuPaul meets the Six Flags guy’ drag was the only standout in that pageantry of dullards, which should have been renamed Night of 1000 Boos instead. You betta werk … on those Ru impersonations, gurls.

Smoking too much Laganja
From her completely bananas robotic impersonation of Ashley Tisdale Rachel Zoe, it’s apparent there is one thing Laganja Estranja doesn’t even try to read: pop culture blogs. She needs to stop spending so much time wiping back tears trying to battle wits with Our Lady of the Shade Bianca Del Rio and more time rethinking her Pier 1 Imports “Erykah Badon’t” headpieces. Also, was she supposed to be emulating Ru or Sherry Vine on that catwalk? On a positive note, I will say those death drops are everythang, MOMMA!

Getting Ben Outta Shape
We interrupt our regularly scheduled catty programming to bring you this genuine, heartfelt, tender moment. Did someone just ply us with vodka and fast forward to Untucked? Because having Ben DeLaCreme describe losing his mother at 13 and overcoming getting ridiculed for being an overweight gay kid had everyone’s mascara running … well, except maybe for Darienne Lake. Awkward! With all the other wigged men ripping each other’s weaves to shreds, Ben—and his two wins so far—just may prove that nice guys really do finish last … and become drag superstars.

Scratch that Game
Sorry Dame Maggie Smith, but the verdict is in and it’s Judge Judy for the win. Sadly, there was no equivalent to Jinkx’s spot-on Little Edie or even Roxy Andrews’ hysterical Tamar Braxton DOTCOM from last year’s Snatch Game. While Bianca’s Judy, Ben’s Maggie and Adore Delano’s Anna Nicole had their moments, Milk was spoiled rotten, Nicki Minaj was super basic and Gia’s Kim K was more like Kim Que? As for Joslyn Fox and Courtney Act, are they even in the competition? They’re the Malaysian Airlines of this season. And while I would have paid money to see Gia attempt to make dead Tejano singer Selena even remotely funny, Adore actually did with the line, “What are you gonna say … I got shot by Yolanda?” Now that’s killing it!

Team BiancAdore!
Move over Heathers and Rolaskatox, because there’s a new clique Ru-ing the school … da Haus of BiancAdore! Who knew getting Bianca Del Rio to be nice to someone would be such a cinch?! While there’s no denying B is always on point when she’s serving her cold dish of hard truth, it’s Adore’s shout outs to Dannielynn, Selena’s killer (see above) and ‘hog bodies’ coupled with her Anna Nicole-meets-Sally Kirkland kookapalooza transformation that had me gagging. The fishy queens better watch out for this crazy Latina gang, because they will cut you … with their words.

Gunned Down
Bianca was right again, of course, as Snatch Game separated “the talented from the other ones.” So cue the Lisa Lisa …. Ooh Gia, I think I love you from head to toe. Just kidding. But please take your grating, monotone Paris Hilton drawl and sashay away, bitter squirlfriend. But how is she?