Things learned from watching the 2010 Grammy Awards:
1. Thanks to Gaga, Beyonce and the Black Eyed Peas, all future pop performances must include background dancers that look like characters straight out of “Star Wars.”
2. Kaley Cuoco, who? Simon Baker, what? The Grammys are a great way for CBS to introduce their stars to the 95 and under crowd.
3. If Jamie Foxx asks you to be in his musical number, RUN.
4. Unless you are an accused child molester with a penchant for extreme surgical procedures who overdoses on a myriad of drugs, your Grammy lifetime achievement award will be relegated to a one-line mention prior to introducing future music legends like Ke$ha and Justin Bieber. I’m talking to you, Leonard Cohen and Loretta Lynn.
5. Three dimensional theatrics should be left in the hands of blue 7 foot manimals, because without the 3D glasses all I witnessed was how Paula Abdul sees the world.
6. Lady GaGa on a red carpet is the new ‘80s Cher. It’s not who she’s wearing, but WTF is she wearing.
7. Prior to Colbert’s win, the last time the Best Comedy Album award was televised was … never.
8. There’s a better chance that I’m Prince and Paris Jackson’s biological father than Jacko.
9. Album of the year? OMG! ‘Memba when people bought those?!
10. The Taylor Swift backlash starts now.
With over 100 official categories, it’s almost harder to not win a Grammy. Thankfully, they only televise a handful of carefully calculated ones, leaving the rest of the show for an alternating mix of amazing (Pink), embarrassing (Taylor & Stevie) and downright boring performances (Sorry Maxwell/Roberta). So whether you watched them or not, here are my thoughts on last night’s Grammys. As always feel free to send me your comments, thoughts and rants to firstname.lastname@example.org. Oscars in a month!
Lady GaGa – By now the most shocking thing she could ever possibly wear is …a little black dress. I can’t believe we were denied an on-air acceptance speech from her crazy ass. She must be pissed. I mean she essentially wore the Chrysler Building on her head and was only able to give it face time from her seat. What’s the point in being weird, if no one can ridicule you?!
Elton John – performing with Gags– a Lady and a Sir, but who’s who? Elton has finally made it up to the gay community for singing with Eminem at the Grammys nine years ago. The last time Elton had that much dust on his face, he was partying with Boy George in the ‘80s.
Stephen Colbert – Um, is one recurring bad joke and two appearances all that constitute being the host of an award show these days? I seriously thought the Grammys were host-free this year.
Jennifer Lopez – Can you believe it’s been ten years since her infamous plunging Versace 2000 Grammy dress? Damn, that was three engagements, two marriages and about seven bad films ago!
Green Day – These little men never seem to age. Can you still be punk rock if you’re on Broadway? If they aren’t careful and don’t stop wearing eyeliner soon they are liable to wind up looking like Alice Cooper … or a Real Housewife of Orange County.
Taylor Swift – must be stopped. Album of the year? Really! Where’s Kanye West when you need him? If nothing else, can someone please do something about her dishwater blonde Ore-Ida crinkle cut curls?? Stay tuned for Taylor’s boob job, unwanted pregnancy and Kid Rock sex tape.
Stevie Nicks – Just when you thought Lindsay Lohan’s rendition of “Edge of Seventeen” was the biggest Stevie Nicks pop travesty, Taylor somehow convinces Nicks to sing backup for her. Is Stevie’s mortgage due? Somewhere Christine McVie is laughing.
Beyonce – She’s truly an original for … singing Alanis, with Rhythm Nation backup dancers while moving like Tina Turner! Her production values — and horse weaves — are flawless, too bad she has the fashion sense of a developmentally challenged showgirl. Guess you can’t have it all. If you were a boy … you wouldn’t wear such bad dresses.
Pink – Yes, it was everyone’s favorite performance. But you wouldn’t be so surprised had you remembered her trapeze VMA performance or seen her recent tour where she ended EVERY show doing that suspended in the air/ underwater spiral number. She’s the most underrated popstar. Maybe if she shaved her head, got beat up by her boyfriend or wore a lampshade on the red carpet peeps would take notice of her awesomeness.
Miranda Lambert – Wearing a vintage St. Francis Prep Class of ’89 prom dress.
Zac Brown Band – More like Zac Galifanakis Band. Or as my friend Jon commented, “Country bear jamboree.” Best new artist?? Drink yer juice, Recording Academy. Drink yer juice!
Miley Cyrus – Her outfit was a little Amanda Woodward/D+D Advertising /Melrose Place Version 1.0 meets “Jersey Shore: Celebrity Edition.” It won’t be long before she’s partying at Karma with her boob job, Newports and a Red Bull vodka!
Black Eyed Peas – WTF! No, really, WTF! I don’t know what it is about BEP but anything they touch becomes instantly uncool. They are the anti-GaGa. And it’s weird because they both sing nonsensical bubblegum dance pop but the end result is soooo different. Seriously, the only things they forgot to bring out on that stage were the California Raisins and the Lollipop Guild. I gotta feeling alright.
Jonas Brothers – I’m slowly moving away from Team Joe and over to Team Nick. Slowly.
Lady Antebellum – Country group or anti-diarrhea medicine for women?
Norah Jones – When did she become such a hot babe? Her Furtado-style folk to floozy makeover must mean a Timbaland duet is imminent.
Jamie Foxx – Somebody please remind him he’s an Oscar winner. I’m gonna blame that performance on something and it ain’t the al al al alcohol. From a bandleader meets Denzel in “Glory” ensemble to T-Pain as aYeti conductor, the unearthing of Slash and even getting Precious to dance on stage at the end, the whole thing was such a cataclysmal disaster I think I’m going to have to organize a telethon on its behalf.
Ke$ha – You know the nude musical show Goddess in “Showgirls?” Well if that really existed, Ke$ha’s outfit is something Nomi Malone might wear in it at around 6am … on her way home. Tik tok make it stop!
Justin Bieber – I think it’s amazing that teens today have an out lesbian pop princess.
Katy Perry – Was she really wearing some sort of bindi jewelry? For the love of Gwen Stefani, she does know her song is “I Kissed a Girl” not “I’m just a girl,” right?
Nicole Kidman – I don’t care how long she’s contractually bound to Keith Urban, raise your hand if you will never get used to the idea of seeing Nicole at music award shows. Bizarre.
Alice Cooper – Sometimes embalming fluid doesn’t take.
Chris O’Donnell – For a guy who’s as boring as fuck, this is the hottest he’s looked since he put on those fake muscles and cod piece to take down the Batman franchise with Clooney.
Michael Jackson’s blurry tribute – 3D Fail. Did anyone not seated in the Staples Center actually get the 3D glasses? If so, NERD! The former “King of Pop” dies and all they can muster up are 2 American Idols, Usher, Celine and the crystallized remnants of Smokey Robinson? Even the VMAs got Madge and Janet. Grammys, This Is It?
Prince Michael and Paris Jackson – It’s clear from looking at these two white children who their biological parents really are: John Mayer and Vera Farmiga! And where the hell was Blanket?
Bon Jovi – Jon still looks great. Richie Sambora on the other hand has morphed into a male-to-female transgender Long Island housewife/ Michael Meyers’ Linda Richman. Tawk amongst yuhselves.
Rihanna – Last year on Grammy weekend she got beat up by Chris Brown, this year her stylist had the honors.
Jay-Z – in a tux. Maybe he is the new Sinatra.
Solange’s son Julez (he went up w RiRi and Jay Z) – or was it Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman?
Wyclef Jean – Talk about making lemonade out of lemons. He hasn’t gotten this much screen time in over a decade. He’s an aftershock away from getting a Grammy next year.
Dave Matthews Band – The way he dances is really special. I thought you weren’t supposed to like them after you graduated college.
Ricky Martin – His career may not be hot, but at least he still is. Papi!
Roberta Flack – Killing me softly with botox …and wearing the latest from the Lion King wig line.
Quentin Tarantino – He’s transmogrified into some sort of weird amalgam of Johnny Cash, Fat Elvis and Robin Williams.
Drake, Lil Jon and Eminem – I thought it was bleep bleep but I didn’t think the bleep bleep bleep was all the bleep bleep. No record label bleep bleep pull up your pants bleep bleep stop being such a homophobe bleep bleep.
Britney Spears – I’m concerned. Not so much for Brit, but for her agent/boyfriend who was ok with her wearing Elvira’s bathing suit and beach throw to the show. Sheer madness! I think her conservatorship needs a conservatorship. The question is, will she ever perform at an award show again … and live?