2010 Golden Globes
Things learned watching the 2010 Golden Globes:
1. Nobody – especially the staff at the Beverly Hills Hilton — watches weather reports in Los Angeles.
2. Screw an Oscar or a private jet, in Hollywood it’s all about your umbrella assistant!
3. Everybody had ruffles on their dresses, and I don’t mean the potato chips on Precious’ gown.
4. Blame Snooki, but orange bronzer is the new Pandora blue.
5. All a celebrity needs to do to not feel guilty for spending $5000 on an outfit, riding in a limo and drinking bottles of Dom in the middle of a world crisis is … slap on a pin.
6. After being exhumed from the LaBrea Tar Pits and injected with 1000 cc of formaldehyde, Cher has miraculously become her own Avatar.
7. If Mo’Nique, Drew Barrymore and Sandra Bullock can win acting awards, so can you.
8. That guy who co-wrote (not directed) “Up in the Air” is kinda sorta hot.
9. Due to the weather, arrivals should have been held underneath Mariah Carey’s boobs.
10. With Avatar and The Hangover winning, the Globes have officially become the Kids Choice Awards. Somebody slime Julia Roberts, stat!
I love the Globes because it’s the one award show where the biggest stars of film and TV sit in the same room … and totally ignore each other. So whether you watched or not, I’m sending you my recap. Feel free to send me know your thoughts, comments and observations at firstname.lastname@example.org. Until the SAG Awards next week!
Ricky Gervais – Between Neil Patrick Harris (Tonys,Emmys), Russell Brand (VMAs) and Queen Latifah (Peoples Choice), Ricky proves you have to be gay or foreign to host an award show … or in Hugh Jackman’s case –both!
Nicole Kidman – The only thing worse than her box office tally is Nicole’s insistence of wearing flesh-colored gowns. Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse — Nicole presenting an acting award to Mo’Nique.
Mo’Nique – Best speech. But now that she’s a serious award-winning actress I can’t wait for her next film … Soul Plane 2! She may not shave her legs, but I bet Taylor Lautner does! And I thought she didn’t like hairy pigs’ feet!
Toni Collette – I’m more likely to see dead people, than the United States of Tara.
Mickey Rourke – or was it Johnny Depp’s wax sculpture? The outfit makes me believe he still thinks he’s starring in Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man. Face by Play Doh.
William Hurt/John Hamm – Biggest beards of the night … next to George Clooney’s lady friend Elisabetta Canalis.
Penelope Cruz – Amber alert! Even gorgeous Latinas fall prey to the diabolical lure of the spray tan.
Marion Cotillard – Was that a slip under her dress or Demi Moore’s Oscar bike shorts?
Jeremy Piven – Sportin’ the latest from the Gene Simmons Wig Collection – also great on baked on, dried in foods!
Michael C. Hall – For those who don’t know, yes he’s going through cancer treatments.
Paul McCartney – When did he undergo gender reassignment? Isn’t it strange that the Beatles have inspired everyone, yet Paul’s biggest influence appears to be Susan Boyle!
Felicity Huffman – Possibly the only person to blow more lines than Amy Winehouse.
January Jones and Carey Mulligan – You are not NYC prep school students on “Gossip Girl,” leave the headbands at home.
Anna Paquin – It’s nice to see someone recycled the garland on all those discarded curbside Christmas trees.
Glenn Close – was robbed. Damages – Best. Show. On. Television.
Harrison Ford & Calista Flockhart – ‘Memba when they started dating way back when and everyone thought it was weird? Yeah, still weird.
Cher – I love a really good Morticia Addams female impersonator! I can forgive the dress and the bone morphing, but the Rite-Aid wig is inexcusable.
Christina Aguilera – Xtina is one smart lady, because she knows even RuPaul doesn’t look like a tranny next to Cher.
T. Bone Burnett – Wayfarers indoors. Really?
Colin Farrell – It’s awful, but I think he was hotter when he smoked and drank.
Meryl Streep – Her speech …it’s complicated. She lost me around the point where her dead mother told her to donate to Haiti … or something like that.
Helen Mirren – Still the Queen. Just to put into perspective how flawless Helen looks, Susan Boyle is 16 years YOUNGER than Mirren.
Zoe Saldana – How much does it suck that you are the female lead in what is sure to become the biggest grossing film in history … and no one knows it. She’s a glorified Smurfette! I do love that she’s a Latina (Dominicana de Nueva Jersey!).
Kevin Bacon – Can’t decide if he’s aging well or not?
Joan Allen – in SAW VII. What has she done to herself?
Sigourney Weaver – The one person who could have benefited from the Orange Bronzer Mishap of 2010. Like my good friend Greg pointed out, can someone explain why Sigourney’s avatar in the movie was a high school lesbian track star?
Cameron Diaz – That red fitted sheet dress is proof that “The Box” was not the worst thing she’s been in this year.
Jennifer Aniston – Finger lickin’ good. While the Brangelina’s away, the Aniston will show off her extra crispy leg, hip and thigh!
Gerard Butler – Amber Alert! If the Globes had a category for horror films, Gerard and Katherine Heigl would win for “The Ugly Truth.”
Jen Garner – The debate is over. She is not attractive.
Samuel L. Jackson – Not wearing a backwards Kangol cap is his fashion equivalent of a Jennifer Grey nose job. Unrecognizable.
Sophia Loren – The OG Guidette. While she is beautiful, the tinted glasses make her look like your Aunt Gina on Long Island.
Christina Hendricks – Wowza! Her golden globes are Precious!
Taylor Lautner – If I write how I feel I will be arrested.
Jane Lynch – Wearing a gown! Is it 2012?!
Chloe Sevigny – I wanted to rip her dress too, but at least for once she wasn’t wearing some discarded ‘80s prom dress.
Halle Berry – Doesn’t age. Granted she’s still sportin’ that 2000 ‘do, but damn!
Jodie Foster – She looked great, but then again she should … after spending all that time in the damn closet.
Mel Gibson – You gotta love a strict catholic who drinks and drives, makes misogynistic and anti-Semitic rants and has children out of wedlock. And gay marriage is the downfall of society????
James Cameron – What’s with all the dudes rockin’ lesbian chic tonight? His fifth wife Suzy shouldn’t get too comfortable; he tends to leave them after a huge blockbuster. Speaking of his wife, can’t he hook her up with some CGI? His pat-yourself-on-the-back-Hollywood speech made me cringe even more than when “Titanic” swept the Oscars. Seriously, did anyone who was not in high school when it came out actually like “Titanic?” I don’t believe you.
“Glee” – I am a fan. But why don’t they let the 2 Cheerios, the black guy and other Asian kid do any press or go to the awards?
Reese Witherspoon – She really is the best actress in the world … for figuring out a way to sleep with both Ryan Philippe and Jake Gyllenhaal. Beyatch!
Tobey Maguire – When did he marry Leona Lewis?
Gaby Sidibe – She does realize she will forever be called Precious, right? And by forever, I mean two more months until the Oscars and then disappears to Keisha Castle Hughes land.
Sandra Bullock – Left nothing to the blind side with that sheer Barney dress. While I haven’t seen “Precious with Football,” I so want her to win the Oscar just to piss off Julia even more for passing on it and making that snore “Duplicity” instead. While there’s no forgiving Speed 2, Sandy was one of the only good things in “Crash” and which ever Truman Capote bio pic she was in.
Arnold Schwarzenegger – I’m sorry. I’m not familiar with the movie “Abba dabba Dar.”
Robert Downey Jr. – Every day I go into work waiting for the news that he was found holed up in a Reno hotel with an eight ball and three hookers. It’s terrible, but I worry.
Leo & Kate – 12 years after “Titanic” and no DUIs, rehab or reality shows. Amazing!
Julia “I love my life” Roberts – Wearing her James Cameron Heart of the Ocean Titanic Commemorative Necklace. She has officially become pretty irritating woman.