Nicki Minaj | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

 

Here are 15 Things learned from barely watching the 2015 MTV VMAs.

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 30:  Host Miley Cyrus, styled by Simone Harouche, performs onstage during the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards at Microsoft Theater on August 30, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by John Shearer/Getty Images)

  1. With snatched weaves, beat faces and tacky dresses, it was all about Miley Cyrus’ drag queen posse.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage

2. Which hopefully means we are nearing the end of the reign of Kim Kardashian’s drag queen posse.

486061684

3. In keeping with the RuPaul theme, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift did their best to lip synch for their lives!

Nomi Malone realness!

Nomi Malone realness!

4. For some unknown reason, the night’s red carpet was sponsored by Showgirls. How else to explain why so many paid homage to Nomi Malone? #Goddess

Britney5. Eight years after imploding live on the VMA stage, Britney Spears returned looking lucid, animated and able to woodenly read a teleprompter again. Sadly, there weren’t enough meds – or conservators – in the world to remove that God-awful navel piercing. #LeaveBritneysBellyAlone

4860309366. Contractually bound for life, forced to appear in mind-numbing propaganda videos and sworn allegiance to an egomaniacal leader, Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” squad is like Scientology repurposed for leggy millennial supermodels & assorted B-list actresses. Tay’s next concert stop is sure to feature a duet with Xenu.

Weeknd7. The Weeknd has some serious love for the Jacksons. His oversized jacket and unruly weave was giving us straight up “Control”-era Janet, while the pyrotechnics were a 911-call away from igniting him ala Michael‘s doomed Pepsi commercial. I can’t feel my face … because it’s melting!

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

8.Kristen Stewart Justin Bieber proved he’s just like every other drunk girl on a Saturday night. He first went to DryBar, then danced & cried. Now all he needs is the morning-after pill.

Kylie_Nicki9. Kylie Jenner is transitioning too … into Nicki Minaj!

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

10. Scary realization #1: It’s a fact, Rebel Wilson is no longer funny.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage And Audience

11. Scary realization #2: At 43, Jared Leto could potentially be the biological father of most of the night’s performers and nominees.  Breed me, Jordan Catalano!

Who dat?

Who dat?

12. Scary realization #3: With so many of these new pop babies & YouTube toddlers running amok on stage, I’m actually relieved when I see a Kardashian, if for no other reason than that they’re recognizable.

Happy Hunger Games!

Happy Hunger Games, Yeezy!

13. He looked like he was dressed for The Reaping, so screw the presidency, I nominate Kanye West as Tribute. #BipartisanSupport

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Pepsi Stage - Fixed Show14. Thanks to Demi Lovato, Iggy Azalea’s face is no longer the only thing getting work.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet15. In retrospect, it’s amazing how normal Miley turned out.

VMAs Things learned watching the 31st Annual MTV Video Music Awards:

1. Sway is still fully employed … at least twice a year.

2. Nicki Minaj almost had the worst wardrobe malfunction of the night, second only to fashion fail queen Katy Perry.

3. A Groupon to DryBar does not a pop star make, MTV please stop trying to make Becky G & Fifth Harmony happen. #fetch

4. The VMAs need to always be held in New York (and air live for the West Coast!). Maroon 5 in The Forum parking lot just can’t compare to Katy Perry singing under the Brooklyn Bridge or Taylor Swift performing on a moving subway train.

fifth_harmony

5. Chelsea Handler, Gwen Stefani and Kim Kardashian should star in The Injectables 3.

6. Twerking is dead. This year it’s all about co-opting homeless models.

7. With all these unsupervised childrens running amok on the red carpet, JLO came to school them all into submission …and perhaps find a new lover.

chelsea

8. TRESemme hair products, apparently, go with everything … even extremely awkward and quick Robin Williams tributes.

9. The world is going through some crazy shit right now with Ebola, Ferguson, Gaza, droughts and most horrifying … the upcoming Dumb & Dumber sequel!

10. SHE once again answered the question: Who Runs The World?

Holy Bey

With a generation growing up watching Idol, X-Factor, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, Rising Star, the pop stars of today may know how to lip synch but they’ve forgotten how to PERFORM … as proven by this year’s litany of dud numbers. ‘Memba Madonna rolling around in a wedding dress to Like a Virgin or her incomparable Marie Antoinette Vogue masterpiece or even Britney’s so-bad-its-good Gimme More career implosion? The millennial wannabes of today need to stop taking selfies and get back to workin’ on their show game!

madonna-brit

Ariana Grande – Inglewood, we have a Problem … GapKids should not have an S&M collection! Thank God she can actually sing, otherwise we might have had to put her sleepy dance moves and My Little Pony hair extension out to pasture.

ariana

Nicki Minaj – Three performances in under two hours! Nobody’s worked their butt that hard since Jenna Jameson.

Jessie J – I had no idea The Good Wife could sing like that! Nicki_sides

Snoop Dogg & Gwen Stefani – Look y’all, bonafide pop stars in the house!

Katy ‘Always Gets It Wrong’ Perry – The best thing to come from her emulating Britney & Justin’s infamous denim ensembles from the 2001 American Music Awards was that we weren’t subjected to what she would have worn had she been left to her own devices again. This Is How We Don’t.

Lorde – Darlene Conner, is that you?

Katy_britney

Taylor Swift – Forum renovation or not, this is the first and last time you will see her in Inglewood. Shake It Off, strong enough for the radio but made for a hair commercial.

Jason Derulo & Jordin Sparks – Kim & Kanye’s stand-ins.

Kim_Kanye

Becky G & MTV host Christina Garabaldi – Wouldn’t their time be better spent accepting a rose from a Bachelor or something?

Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels – Where’s Common ushering a moment of silence when you need him?

jim_carrey

Kim Kardashian – Showing off two big boobs — sisters Kendall & Kylie!

Kendall & Kylie – The first graduates of The Taylor Swift Dance Academy For Annoying Award Show Attendees.

Kardashians

Sam Smith – They call him the male Adele, not just for the amazing voice but because he too suffers from Progeria! He’s only 22! Taylor Lautner is OLDER than him.

Adam_Sam

Crazy Eyes, Laverne Cox & Taylor Schilling – Orange Is The New … Destiny’s Child? Look quick and it’s Kelly Rowland, Beyonce and the white Michelle Williams.

Usher – His next single should just be called Suit & Tie.

Nina Dobrev – I woke up like this! No, really, did you see her hair?

taylor-schilling-435

Austin Mahone – Gwen Stefani’s future lover … or Sam Smith’s.

Chloe Grace Moretz – In another homage to 2001 fashion, she was in Elle Woods drag.

2014 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

5 Seconds Of Summer – Can you say OVER-STYLED? Not even KISS wears that much man product! Since Labor Day is in a week, does that mean they’ll go away then? Makes me nostalgic for the good ole days of One Direction & The Wanted.

5 seconds

Iggy Azalea – Arrival dress by SammyJo Carrington. Hair & makeup by ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Accent by rapper Eve, Rosie Perez and her own affectation.

Rita Ora – She normally looks like a cross between Gwen Stefani and Rihanna, but during her Black Widow performance she was all about channeling Mini Britney.

mini_britney Rita-Sides

Adam Levine – ‘Wait the hot guy on The Voice is in a band called Maroon 5?’ – said every teen girl in America.

Jennifer Lopez – Tens, tens, tens across the board! No one bought her last record (although it’s actually pretty good) but she’s still the hottest 45 around!

jennifer-lopez-290

Miley Cyrus – I’m all for her championing a good cause, but she should leave the waterworks theatrics for the Ice Bucket challenge.

Miley

Beyonce – After a chorus of amateur opening acts, SHE reminded us there was time when the VMAs were filled with memorable, elaborate and properly executed performances. The Church of Beyonce is calling on you to prey. I hope all the pop toddlers sitting in the audience took out their BLUE books (is there an app for that?)  and LEARNED because you can’t figure out how to be a true STAR on the Internets or on a televised karaoke show! Flawless.

Jay-Z – Hova must have re-signed the contracts and made his penance otherwise he’s gonna see a billion dollars go down in an elevator!

Jay-Z

Solange – No she wasn’t sitting next to Jigga, Blue Ivy and Kelly Rowland in the audience, but that’s only because Bey was the last performer and the cleaning crew had to start immediately.

And now on to Emmy Monday …