Madonna | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

It’s Super Bowl Sunday and for the gays that means gathering around to watch commercials while drinking vodka sodas and for 12 minutes looking up from their phones to see a music icon, preferably a diva, slay the stage in an highly-anticipated halftime show.

Not this year.

Expectations are low for Maroon 5‘s turn headlining in what’s being billed as the Super Bowl Naptime Show.

When will the NFL learn that the Super Bowl needs a diva. Gays demand a diva. Gals love a diva. Hetero bros won’t admit it, but even they prefer a diva. Everyone is happier with a diva. Pop diva. Rock diva. R&B diva. Rap diva. Country diva. Dance diva. Just give us a diva. Diva. DIVA. DIVA!

Regardless, I’m keeping hope alive that Adam Levine & co. surprise us all and, at the least, bless us with a Christina Aguilera/Moves Like Jagger moment. Cardi B, who sings on Girls Like You, already said she wouldn’t be performing because of how the NFL has treated Colin Kaepernick.

So until the next diva takes the stage (come thru Rihanna, Pink or J.Lo), let’s reminisce and countdown to the most fabulously divalicious Super Bowl Halftime shows of yore.

12. Patti LaBelle in 1995 at Super Bowl XXIX

Back in the day, the halftime shows had themes and in 1995 it was Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye, which obviously calls to mind… Patti LaBelle?!

This halftime show is literally insane. It’s like a bizarro Disney & Scientology co-production of Burning Man. I’m not tripping, you’re tripping!

Despite the ridiculous amusement park-style stage show featuring pyrotechnics,”Indiana Jones” parachuting into the stadium and an acted out storyline, The OG Lady Marmalade doesn’t miss a beat belting out Release Yourself, New Attitude and Can You Feel the Love Tonight (alongside Tony Bennett). And while her royally fierce headgear tries to grab the spotlight, Miss Patty reigns supreme making it all it look as easy as sweet potato pie.

But it’s still completely nuts!

11. Katy Perry in 2015 at Super Bowl XLIX

Left Shark. One to Grow On. Missy Elliott. Lenny Kravtiz. It seems I remember everything about Katy Perry’s halftime show except Katy Perry.

While she did sing the hits (Roar, Dark Horse, I Kissed A Girl, Teenage Dream, California Gurls and Firework) and wore three, um, interesting outfits, there’s no denying the Christian artist formerly known as Katheryn Hudson definitely did her best.

A for effort.

10. Shania Twain/No Doubt/Sting in 2003 at Super Bowl XXXVII

Shania Twain came thru drip drip!

Wearing a Matrix leather trench, bejeweled bra, mini-dress and thigh-high boots, the country queen was giving us Real Housewives of Orange County via Hollywood Blvd realness while turning out Man, I Feel Like a Woman and Up.

Gwen Stefani then popped up for Just A Girl , because why not, before joining ageless zaddy Sting for Message in a Bottle. In all, the schizo show was a touchdown for country, pop and rock gays everywhere.

9. Gloria Estefan in 1992 at Super Bowl XXVI & in 1999 at Super Bowl XXXIII

Beyonce wasn’t the first pop diva to perform at two Super Bowl halftime shows, that distinction goes to Cuban-American icon Gloria Estefan.

In ’92, the halftime show honored the Winter Olympics (that theme thing again!) so – prior to Estefan singing Live for Loving You and Get On Your Feet – audiences were subjected to a spectacle featuring marching bands, a giant Frosty the Snowman and the talents of  gold medalist iceskaters Dorothy Hamill & Brian Boitano.

It’s completely bonkers and totally AMAZING!

In ’99, the show kept it less nonsensical with the musical theme of Soul, Salsa and Swing. Gloria was called to duty once again to headline alongside Big Voodoo Daddy and Stevie Wonder.

This time La Estefan, looking gorge, lit up the stage with her hits Oye!, Turn the Beat Around, You’ll Be Mine (Party Time) before dueting with Stevie for Another Star & My Cherie Amour.

Y’all, don’t sleep on Gloria, she is the real deal. Wepa!

8. Britney Spears, Aerosmith, NSYNC, Nelly & Mary J. Blige in 2001 at Super Bowl XXV

I know the Cult of Britney™ is going to come for me for putting her so low, but hear me out.

This entire performance was a lot of fun, but it was not the Britney Spears Show.  It was all about Aersosmith (I Dont Want to Miss a Thing, Jaded) and NSYNC (Bye, Bye, Bye, It’s Gonna Be Me) with Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige & Nelly thrown in at the end for Walk This Way. No offense, but it’s true.

The theme was Kings & Queens of Rock & Pop, but the queens were just an afterthought.  Had Ms. Spears and Mary J. actually been allowed to sing one of their own songs (ala Beyonce with Coldplay), I would have put this higher.

My apologies to the Britney Gays™, but on a positive note, Brit Brit sounded, looked and moved like a diva! #NeverForget

7. Michael Jackson in 1993 at Super Bowl XXVII

Whatever your feelings are about Michael Jackson‘s life off-stage, there’s no denying this performance was the game changer. The King of Pop was the first huge music star to undertake the halftime gig & take it to a new level –  a classic diva tactic. His performance would inspire the halftime shows of future Super Bowl divas like Madonna, Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

It was one of the most watched events in TV history and the NFL made it their mission to book A-list acts going forward. The setlist featured Jam, Billie Jean, Black or White, We Are the World & Heal the World and ended with Michael singing alongside hundreds of children from around the world.

This halftime show is truly legendary and also serves as a bookmark in Michael’s legacy. Six months after the Super Bowl, Michael would go on to be accused of child sexual abuse for the first time.

6. Janet Jackson in 2004 at Super Bowl XXXVIII

Before the wardrobe malfunction, before Nipplegate, before Justin Timberlake threw her under the bus, before Les Moonves tried to destroy her career and before any of Janet Jackson‘s halftime show became a global scandal, the set included performances by Jessica Simpson (she actually just yells an intro), Diddy (Bad Boy for Life, Mo Money Mo Problems), Nelly (Hot in Herre) and Kid Rock (Bawitdaba, Cowboy). ‘Memba that? No? Don’t worry, hardly anybody else does.

What I remember is that Janet sang and danced her ass off to All For You & Rhythm Nation before JT pretended to not know he was going to expose her right breast during Rock Your BodyI’ll have you ruined by the end of this song!

History was made, fines were imposed, Janet was crucified and justice still needs to be served. #JusticeForJanet

5. Prince in 2007 at Super Bowl XLI

Prince in heels with a Rosie the Riveter headwrap in the pouring (purple) rain. Yes, yes, yasssss!

Only a real diva can battle Mother Nature and win!

The set list: Let’s Go Crazy, Baby I’m a Star, Proud Mary, All Along the Watchtower, Best of You, Purple Rain.

Fun fact: Straight guys often regard this as the best halftime show ever. I love it, just wish he included When Doves Cry or other hits over the covers.

Special shout out to the guitar solo projected onto a sheet aka the shadow malfunction. This is what it sounds like when censors cry!

4. Lady Gaga in 2017 at Super Bowl LI

Starting off with an aerial drone light show, unifying anthem God Bless America and protest song This Land is Your Land, quoting the Pledge of Allegiance’s “with liberty and justice for all” and faux diving off the roof of the stadium, Lady Gaga‘s halftime show was patriotic, spectacular & subversive without even humming one bar of her own song.

Gaga is arguably the biggest LGBT rights advocate of her pop generation, so to sing Born This Way with the lyrics “No matter gay, straight, or bi Lesbian, transgendered (sic) life” at the Super Bowl was not only expected and on brand but historic. Her full set list consisted of Poker Face, Born This Way, Just Dance, Million Reasons and Bad Romance.

On that night we were all little monsters, put our paws up & watched a star be reborn.

3. Beyonce in 2013 at Super Bowl XLVII & in 2016 at Super Bowl L

A diva is a female version of a hustler, and no one hustles like Beyonce.

Beyonce murders every performance, almost to her detriment. Her halftime show was beyond. The singing (Love on Top, Crazy in Love, End of Time, Baby Boy, Bootylicious, Independent Women, Single Ladies, Halo) the choreo, the Destiny’s Child reunion, all of it on point. I’m still gagging over Kelly’s bangs & Michelle’s hop jump entrance.

(unpopular opinion alert!)

Beyonce brings Super Bowl level quality to all her shows. To quote Queen Bey herself, “Flawless.” And that’s the problem. Re-watching this now you almost don’t know if it was from The Mrs. Carter, Formation, On The Run I & II tours, Coachella or an award show. It’s lost some of it’s impact. It’s grandeur. It’s ‘this is the big MF moment.’ Everything shouldn’t be the Super Bowl, but for Beyonce everything is and that makes the Super Bowl now seem less special.

Even while watching it back in 2013, on the heels of Madonna‘s monster of a show the year before, I thought it needed just a tad more pizzazz, some more zhuzh, a little more spectacular spectacular,  because it was the SUPER BOWL and not the Mrs. Carter, Formation, On the Run I &II tours, Coachella or an award show moment.

OK, everyone breathe. This is MY OPINION.  Step back, Beyhive. Do not hurt me. I still bow down. I do. I promise, I still love Beyonce.  HELP!!!!!

Then three years later, Beyonce was back again and this time providing that pizzazz/zhuzh moment to Coldplay‘s (and oh no Bruno Mars, again!) halftime show.

For the first time Beyonce got political referencing the Black Panthers and also paid homage to Michael Jackson with her outfit. She sang Formation & Crazy in Love, and as per usual, didn’t blink.

She stole the show. She was the show. The Super Bowl was saved!

Make no mistake, Beyonce is the headliner even when she’s the guest star. All hail, Beyonce!

Ok, so are we friends again?

2. Madonna in 2012 at Super Bowl XLVI

Eight years after Janet’s wardrobe malfunction, Madonna was the first female solo artist to headline the Super Bowl.  So naturally the Queen of Pop arrived with all the pomp & circumstance on her golden throne.

From there it continued in all its over the top, decadent, glamorous glory orchestrated with royal precision and announcing to the world to get ready because the night’s main event had started. The Madonna Bowl had arrived and with it dancers, gladiators, costumes, acrobatics, LED screens and a choir led by Cee Lo Green. She even managed to talk Nicki Minaj & MIA into playing her sidekick head cheerleaders. INSANE.  (In all fairness, I wasn’t a huge fan of including LMFAO, but I guess they did have one of the biggest songs the previous year.)

Her Madgesty gave us Vogue, Music, Party Rock Anthem/Sexy And I Know It, Give Me All Your Luvin’, Open Your Heart and Like a Prayer.

In all, it was more than a show. It was a spectacle. It was theater. It was a circus and a club and a pep rally and a church service. It was a religious experience. And I was dead and brought back to life.

In that moment, Madonna ushered in the new era of the Super Bowl Pop Diva™ and paved the way for Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and, hopefully someday, for Rihanna, Pink and Jennifer Lopez. And she did it all at the young age of 53.

Always remember kids, there’s only one Queen and that’s Madonna.

1. Diana Ross in 1996 at Super Bowl XXX

A true diva knows how to make a grand entrance and an even grander exit.

Let’s just get it out of the way. You can’t spell diva without a D and the D in diva stands for Diana Ross.

Back in 1996, Diana Ross did multiple on-set costume changes, sang Stop in the Name of Love, Baby Love, You Can’t Hurry Love, Why Do Fools Fall in Love, Chain Reaction, Reach Out & Touch Someone’s Hand, Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, I Will Survive and then got airlifted out of the Sun Devil Stadium with her feet hanging over the side. OUT OF A HELICOPTER!

Your helicopter in 5, Miss Ross! Miss Ross has left the building!

In the Super Bowl you go big or go home, unless you’re Diana Ross and then you go big and go home …in a helicopter!

Dirty Diana did THAT! She is the Supreme! The Boss! Icons & Legends, only!

No one will ever top this. Do not even try. No, ma’am. Forget it.

THE END.

Here’s the full performance, because you must.

Honorable Mention: New Kids on the Block in 1991 at Super Bowl XXV

No, they aren’t divas, you just have to see it to believe it.

The theme was It’s A Small World with Disney characters, 2000 actual kids and the New Kids on the Block, natch!

The NKOTB Step by Step magic starts at the 10:30 mark. Enjoy!

Regardless of your plans today, I hope everyone has a lot of fun.

Thoughts and prayers for Maroon 5.

And GO RAMS!

 

 

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Where were you on Monday, February 2nd, 2009? Ten years ago, equality was a priority in the White House, Lady Gaga had her first #1 song and Instagram was non-existent. But on that night gay culture was forever changed with the launch of a little show on a little network hosted by a larger-than-life personality known as a #RuPaulsDragRace .The budget and ratings may have been much smaller then, but the impact was felt. Little did we realize that 18 years after Paris Is Burning, a new class of gays, kweens & Kardashians were about to have their weaves snatched by being ru-introduced to terms like realness, shade and read. More importantly, #RuPaul and the show put a spotlight on stories & amplified voices that were often silenced or overlooked and inspired a new generation to have pride in who they are & lip sync for their lives! Now everyone & their mutha wants to be a kween & mainstream outlets like Entertainment Tonight & People magazine cover #drag on the reg. Condragulations, RuPaul’s Drag Race. Happy 10th anniversary. Shantay you stay! 💄👠💃🏽🏳️‍🌈 #RPDR #dragqueen #LGBT #gay

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serving Madonna lewks
Unbeknownst to them, pop princesses Julia Michaels and Grace VanderWaal both served music royalty realness in their iconic Madonna lewks at the Billboard Music Awards.

Fun fact: Julia was born a year after the release of Madge’s fifth studio album Erotica.

Even more fun fact: Grace was born after M’s ninth studio album Amercan Life.

Before we go any further, let us remember that the Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art is not your average red carpet event.

In my opinion, a Met Gala dress is a dress that is only appropriate for the Met Gala. You shouldn’t be able to wear it to any other black tie charity event, the Fastest & the Furiousest premiere or the Oscars! It is to be worn to the Metropolitan Museum of Art on the first Monday in May … and that’s it.

Avant-garde is highly encouraged. Leave that little black dress at home. If you’re safe or just giving plain old Hollywood glamour, Anna Wintour should make you Uber home and change.

This is the Hunger Games of fashion and we’re in the Capitol, baby. Effie Trinket is your stylist & your muse. Go ahead and be the Girl on Fire. If not, you’ll suffer a fate worse than death, being called boring.

With that being said, here our some MAYJAH lewks that I’m totally going to make light of …whether I liked them or not! 😜

1.Katy Perry went Gaga, but for once she actually got it right. First I can’t get her new song “Bon Appetit” out of my head and now I approve of Katheryn Hudson’s Real Housewives of Kabul couture. This is my new reality in Trump America, people!

 

2. Category is: Pharrell‘s wife first time in red Teletubby drags at the ball.

 

3.  Kylie Jenner arrives with her drag mother ‘Queen Ravenna’ Versace.

 

4. Lena Dunham wearing my sophomore year dorm comforter. Looks toasty though!

 

5. Solange knows air mattress is the new black.

 

6. Not even a Pepsi can save Kendall Jenner from this AVN Awards chic. She’s XXXtra.

 

7. If the theme was 1969 Oscars, then Jennifer Lopez nailed it! But seriously loved that she covered up knowing most would be airing out their vadges up and down Fifth Ave. #WhenTheyGoLowYouGoWrapped

 

8. Spoiler Alert! King Joffrey’s long lost twin sisters have surfaced. The Olsen Twins are representing Full House Baratheon. #GoT

 

9. GOOP Style Tip: If you can’t find anything to wear to the Met Gala, just repurpose one of your old ’90s Oscar gowns! #GwynethPaltrow

 

10. Alert Ryan Murphy! There will not be a Feud: Courtney vs. Frances Bean.

 

11. Come through Celine Dion with this Lady Liberty meets ’80s Cher moment!

 

12. Call Homeland security, someone TP’d Claire Danes!

 

13. No one cares, boo. #KimWhatsHerName

 

14. When your dramatic fashion moment gets derailed by a beige “red carpet” … #TrenchCoatMafia #PriyankaChopra 

 

15. Bella Hadid, 20, is serving pussy-catsuit. Parental guidance is suggested, so luckily her mom, RHOBH‘s Yolanda Hadid, was there too.

 

16. Speaking of Effie Trinket, Elizabeth Banks is gorgeous … Gigi Gorgeous!

 

17. Madonna is dressed for battle because of all the attacks she is sure to get in the press. #TheresOnlyOneQueenBitchesAndSheCanWearWhateverSheWants

 

18. You guys, haven’t the Kennedy‘s suffered enough! Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good…

 

19. Rihanna won the Met Gala … and a VIP membership to Jo-Ann Fabrics!

 

20. And finally …  SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC is back next week after a three month sabbatical of silence, meditation and home drinking. 🍷 😴 🍷

We’ve got a new lewk & new surprises, but still the same old reads & shade. Season 3 is serving all the latest loud & proud pop culture noize that your weave can handle!

New episode coming next week…but until then binge & purge the first two seasons on iTunes! Come thru podcast kweens and listen, like & share!

This week SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC enlists the help of Weho’s First Lady Michel Verdi Krymis to sound off on Madonna‘s amazing speech, Botox problems, the Trump & Kanye circus, LA LA Land, sexism, Walking Dead‘s Scientology crisis & the fashion power of Caitlyn Jenner. Now we may not be Russian … but we’re definitely hacks. So listen up!

Click here to subscribe and leave a review on iTunes. 

 

https://www.instagram.com/thejohnnylopez/

Let’s get soaking wet, as SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC dives into the Olympic pool looking for speedos, smooth torsos & sketchy swimmers. Plus Britney Spears comes alive, Lady Gaga is reborn, Madonna celebrates a birth & Caitlyn Jenner transitions for the last time.

 

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - MAY 22: Britney Spears is seen on stage during the 2016 Billboard Music Awards held at the T-Mobile Arena on May 22, 2016 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by JB Lacroix/WireImage)

1. Britney Spears was amazing … for Britney Spears. And by that  I mean she maneuvered the stage on her own power (save for her assisted back flip), opened and shut her mouth on a semi-consistent basis, flailed her arms on cue and successfully bolted down her weave. So in that sense – and to quote every other blog & twentysomething on Twitter – Britney did in fact “SLAY.” #PleaseStopUsingSlay

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2. Ciara proved she has Braxton Family Values … circa 2001.

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3.  Fifth Harmony on holiday from their regular paying jobs as stand-ins on Keeping Up With the Kardashians.  The Khloe one is still my fave!

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4. Meghan Trainor – The hair is NO! That dress is NO! Her dancing is NO! You need to let it go.

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5. Justin Bieber shaved his head, lip synched, arm-danced and is now having a full-blown breakdown on Instagram. He’s officially reached icon status. #GimmeGimmeMore

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6. If P!nk is hoisted into the air it must be 2010 … or a Sunday.

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7. Props to Demi Lovato for using her voice to speak out against all those ridiculous anti-transgender bathroom laws … and to sing LIVE! Groundbreaking.

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8. In Memoriam.  Last night, Gwen Stefani dyed … her brows. A moment of silence please.  This shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

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9. Adele sells more than anyone without having to parade around pantless, snatches trophies, doesn’t show up to award shows and drops a ridiculously simple video. She does not give AF! QUEEN.

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10. Kesha – Career re-invention starts now! And if you don’t like her Colonel Sanders meets Temple Grandin ensemble then you must be Team Dr. Luke.

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11. Rihanna is always the coolest chic in the room, even when it’s not technically Casual Friday. #WorkWorkWorkWorkWorkWork

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12. You’d have to be dead inside to not fall in love with Celine Dion after her emotional speech last night. But the real question is how long until Gigi Hadid – or Calvin Klein – starts dating her It boy son, Rene Charles? #HeIs15

2016 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

13. I’m living for Halsey‘s ’80s perm! I love saying PERM. Please tell me millennial girls in Brooklyn are rockin’ perms up and down Bedford. For the love of Rhea Perlman, make this a thing, Greenpoint! #fetch

2016 Billboard Music Awards - Show

14. Ariana Grande – For once, bride of Fievel didn’t annoy the crap out of me. Maybe I’ve just gotten use to her Seabiscuit extensions & lazy dancing, but since I actually heard her enunciate, I’m led to believe she finally had her tongue rebuilt. Congrats, lady.

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15. The Go-Gos – Legends, kids!

Original member Kathy Valentine quit the group a few years ago & they added Abby Travis (center), but they still got the beat. And I’ll always be Mad About You, Belinda Carlisle.

2016 Billboard Music Awards - Show

16. Steven Tyler is going to be an excellent addition to Caitlyn’s bus next season!

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17. Madonna –  Well I loved the outfit!  Listen, “Nothing Compares 2 U” is a really tough song to pull off. Obviously not the best for her to chose, but had she done a more uplifting dance track y’all be saying how disrespectful of her to not be solemn. Now I will give props to M for not lip synching, keeping the tribute heartfelt, low-key & not doing an over-the-top medley (ahem, Gaga). Madonna haters are gonna hate, but from one icon to another – who were born the same year, dated and recorded the 1989 track “LoveSong” together – it was still pretty major to witness in my book.  Long live Prince & the Queen.

We’ll be watching, BET.

18. As an added bonus, check out Britney’s inadvertent red carpet tribute to Fredrick’s of Hollywood Prince’s ladies Apollonia & Vanity. #Britney6

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19. And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my HYSTERICAL weekly podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below. It’s life changing!  🙂

PrinceMadonnaMJ
Crazy that they were all born the same year & even more insane that two have left us.

In 1984, the soundtrack to this 13-year-old’s life (like so many of my generation) was “Purple Rain,” “Thriller,” and “Madonna.”

They were, are & forever will be The Trinity. Now can someone please PLEASE put Madonna in a padded glass box??!!

#ICONS #RIP #Prince #MichaelJackson #LongLiveTheQueen #Madonna #TheTrinity

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In the name of the Pia, and of the Madonna and of the Holy Gaga.

Thanks be to the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Amen.

The annual Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art is all about fashion, drama and letting us have it. It is the Oscars on steroids. It is not for the timid, the safe, or for placating the small minds of the basic masses at home. Ready-to-Wear is not allowed.

That being said, here are 20 MAYJAH lewks from this year’s MET GALA, whose theme was “China: Through the Looking Glass.” #culturalappropriationalert

1. Eat your heart out, Khaleesi. Introducing Sarah Jessica Parker, Mother of Dragons. Carrie Bradshaw is alive and well.

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2. Vogue Creative Director, Grace Coddington knows it’s her party and she can wear Prada pajamas if she wants too! It’s all about Miss Grace, y’all.

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3. Take away the bizarre statement necklace and Jennifer Lawrence is every PR girl working media check-in at a movie premiere. “Like, omigawd, I don’t see your name on the list.” Katniss needs to set this dress on fire!

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4. Katie Holmes in Zac Posen. Rihanna wig sold separately.

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5. This is the most hood you will ever see Anne Hathaway.

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6.  Elizabeth Banks serving Real Housewives of New Jersey realness. Styling by Dina Manzo.

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala - Arrivals

7.  The girl from The Ring is all growed up and BFFs with Selena Gomez, who, by the way, is finally showing off her voluptuous Latina curves. Wepa!

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8. Kris Jenner in Linda Dano/Fellica Gallant Another World drag. Thank God Bruce is now safe.

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9.  Full House is dead to them, but American Horror Story would be a game changer for The Olsen Twins.

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

10. Lorde have mercy.

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11. It’s Bieberace. Behind the Douchelabra.

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12.  What would Giuliana Rancic think about this? More importantly, how the hell does Zendaya get invited to all these A-list events? Patchouli oil and weed?

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

13. Beauty and the Beast in reverse. J.Lo knows to always keep a safe distance of at least two feet away from the Donatella Verzombie.

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14. It takes a village, people! Rihanna is giving you GOWN for the GAWDS. #BedBathAndBeyondHauteCouture

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15. Someone please inform Ms. Witherspoon that it’s the MET GALA not the Golden Globes! #snore #boring #change

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16. It’s not nice to make fun of the fashion handicapped. #KatyPerryAlwaysGetsItWrong

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

17.  Game of Thrones! But you are never getting the crown, bitches! #QueenOfPop

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18. Would she ever really date a man THAT old? Believe it or not, only ONE of them is 36. #gavegoodface

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19. That aint’ some sort of oil slick, it’s Solange destroying all the chickens in her path with her avant-garde eleganza. Sorry, but this is the Knowles sister who really slayed … and no elevator was required this year.

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20. Forget Mayweather & Pacquiao, the fight of the century is the battle of the sheer bejeweled vagina dresses! Jenna Jameson would be so proud of these two.

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That’s it. Now if only E! or Bravo or Logo would get it together and finally air this red carpet next year?! Sheesh! Don’t they know their audience?

The end. See y’all at H&M.

The 57th Annual Grammy Awards
Five things learned watching the 2015 Grammy Awards:

  1. Thanks to Madonna, Annie Lennox and Prince, the 80s queens are alive and well and still ruling the show.
  2. Staying off social media all night, because CBS still thinks it’s 2008 and won’t air the show live for the West Coast, is freakin’ hard!
  3. Iggy Azalea has co-opted another racial identity—Swiss Miss.

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4. As far as Taylor Swift collectibles go: Lorde & Lena Dunham are out, but Haim is in.

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5. If the show gets any longer, they’ll need to break it up over eight weeks, cast Jessica Lange (*insert Madonna joke here) and call it a mini-series.

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AC/DC – For everyone belting out age-inappropriate fashion critiques at Madonna, please draw your attention to 59-year-old Angus Young. He’s been doing this for over four decades… which, believe it or not, is even longer than the Queen of Pop.

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Sam Smith – The Best New Artist is Ron Burgundy?

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Anna Kendrick – Looking Pitch Perfect and the sexiest she ever has. Tweet that, AK.

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Ariana Grande – It’s amazing what she’s managed to accomplish without the use of her tongue. Enunciating is hard, kids!

Ariana Grande

Jessie J & Tom Jones – He’s used to getting women’s panties thrown at him on stage … and she performed in hers. The Gaga/Tony Bennett thing has officially become a trend.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Kanye West – He’s done the impossible and actually made Kim look like the intelligent one. Where’s Paul McCartney’s unplugged microphone when you need it?

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Kim Kardashian – in vintage Liberace. Behind the Kandelabra.

57th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Madonna – The matador/French maid ensemble was the Grammy equivalent of Cher at the Oscars. And whether you loved it or hated it, you can’t deny she brought the drama and spectacle to the somber and lackluster set of performances during the broadcast’s first seven hours. While the disparaging ageist remarks show no sign of abating, the Material Mom continues to flawlessly make inroads so that one day – a long, long time from now – millenials will be able to appreciate someone like Britney Spears as she attempts to hold on to her singing, dancing and overall stage presence. Oh wait.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

The 57th Annual Grammy Awards

Josh Duhamel – Hello, gorgeous! Looks like Fergie may need to start fielding offers for a CBS procedural if she ever plans to attend the Grammys again.

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Beck – Who’s the Loser now? Sorry Beehive, but he’s music to Xenu’s ears! The album of the year is currently streaming on an E-meter near you. His retro Mia Farrow chic is now less Hannah and Her Sisters and more Rosemary’s Baby.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Smokey Robinson – The new star of Groom of Annabelle. He will haunt your nightmares!

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Jeff Lynne – You say ELO, I say GEICO caveman.

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Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani – Both looking gorgeous, even if he does have more foundation on than she does.

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Hozier & Annie Lennox – Sweet dreams are made of this … and an imaginary harmonica.

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Nick Jonas – All together now, “I know you are, but what am I?” Further proof that he should remain shirtless at all times.

57th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Meghan TrainorI’m all about that face. Hatchet Face. I’m terrible.

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Pharrell – He’s gone from working at Arby’s to The Grand Budapest Hotel in 12 months. Now we’re all happy to never have to hear this song again.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Katy Perry – She was serving Princess Leia meets Solange Knowles wedding dress realness. Featuring an intro by Obama and a domestic abuse survivor to further highlight its importance, the austere performance must have been some sort of penance for that Super Bowl fiasco. Shadow dancers beat sharks and beach balls every time, Katy cats!

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Katharine McPhee – She finally made it to the Grammys and all it took was losing American Idol, three albums and a hit CBS drama.

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Lady Gaga – With a career littered with meat dresses, egg arrivals and failed male alter egos – Jo Calderone, anyone? – is it weird that I find her recent transformation into a Real Housewives of Orange County the most offensive? Put your paws up, Vicki Gunvalson!

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Jane Fonda – Further proof Ryan Reynolds was completely miscast in Green Lantern. Hanoi Jane for the win!

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Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman – Ellen and Portia look amazing!

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Rihanna – Say what you will about her statement red carpet dress, the bigger problem was her ill-fitting Men’s Wearhouse double-breasted suit. Oh Na Na!

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Paul McCartney – I find his transition into a younger Maggie Smith quite brave. Legend. Icon. Beatle. Dowager Countess?

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Sam Smith & Mary J. Blige – A fierce black diva and an out and proud gay man. They’re a duet made in Shonda Rhimes heaven.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Prince – The Mrs. Roper thing has now further morphed into a homage to Barbra Streisand in Meet The Fockers. THIS is what it sounds like When Doves Cry … in Boca Raton.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Sia – It’s good to see someone getting use out of Lady Gaga’s discarded drag box.

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Kristen Wiig – Loved it! She’s a blonde Emo Phillips.  And look, Sia has legs!

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Beyonce – Descending from the heavens, the weaved wonder came to grace us mere mortals with her ethereal magic. But there was definitely one person who didn’t like her rendition of Precious Lord, Take My Hand from Selma … Ledisi, the chick who sang it in the movie! Oh Hail No!

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show