Neil Patrick Harris | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

winners

Ten Things learned watching the 87th Annual Academy Awards:

  1. Neil Patrick Harris’ ballot box joke took longer to execute than Boyhood and got the same amount of love from the Academy.

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2. If they cue the music during your acceptance speech, just keep talking … it’s one less minute we’ll be subjected to that ballot box joke.

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3. With feminism, civil rights, immigration reform, ALS, Alzheimer’s and two mentions of suicide, there was only one thing more serious and political than the acceptance speeches … the In Memoriam snub of Joan Rivers! Can we tawk?!

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4. Imitation Game Adapted Screenplay winner Graham Moore is not gay … but his voice and queening out to Oprah sure is! Coming out as straight is hard. #stayweird

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5 . Speaking of not gays … while it’s fine to comment on his creepy face-groping of biological women, we all really need to be more vigilant and sensitive to John Travolta’s BRAVE new look during this time. #askhermore

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6. All it took for Tim McGraw (you know, Gwyneth Paltrow’s friend) to enter the witness protection program was the removal of one hat.

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7. Meryl Streep and Jennifer Lopez will soon star in a buddy comedy together, thereby assuring for the rarest of feats… a Meryl-free Oscar season.

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8. Terrence Howard was one awkward pause away from pulling an Elizabeth Taylor and blurting out “Gladiator!”

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  1. Alexis Arquette killed it with her rendition of The Sound of Music.

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  1.    Common’s drag real name is Lonnie Lynn. Who knew?

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Neil Patrick Harris – Everyone is hating by saying he bombed, but at least he actually hosted the show throughout its entirety. No one remembers anymore, but last year Ellen did an intro, took a selfie, ordered a pizza and then disappeared. And even our beloved national treasures Tina Fey & Amy Poehler were almost non-existent at this year’s Globes. So yes, some jokes fell flat, but the opening was great, he ad-libbed a couple of zingers and even “had the balls” to nearly show his in a pair of padded briefs. A for effort, which is more than I can say for past hosts like Seth McFarlane and James Franco.

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Lupita Nyong’o – Serving pearl necklace for the GAWDS!

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J.K. Simmons – Using his entire speech to stress the importance of family – call your mother! –  and thanking his wife and kids with no reference to agents, managers or studio heads, was not only refreshing, it was downright revolutionary. Which begs the question: What is he trying to make right by them?! And I don’t care what anyone says, his character in Whiplash is gay. (That tight t-shirt don’t lie).

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Dakota Johnson & Melanie Griffith – You know Fifty Shades is a total snoozefest when Dakota has more sexual chemistry with her recalibrated MOTHER than Jamie Dornan.

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Jennifer Lopez – Drama. Spectacle. Wow. If it can be worn anywhere else – besides the Met Costume Gala in NY – then it isn’t an Oscar gown. SLAYED.

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Costume Design winner Milena Canonero – You know she isn’t from here, because, even though it was raining, no one in Los Angeles actually owns a raincoat.

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Reese Witherspoon – She don’t pop molly, she rock Tom Ford!

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Channing Tatum – He must share the same guyliner specialist as Travolta.

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Nicole Kidman – Exquisitely styled by Madame Tussauds.

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Shirley MacLaine – Outfit by Liza Minnelli, wig by Mattel™ and sold exclusively at Hollywood Toy & Costume.

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Tegan and Sara – Cutest lesbian duo of the night, next to Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. Props to their drag mother, John Travolta.

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Andy Samberg and Lonely Island guys – You know what would have made it even more awesome … those Katy Perry Super Bowl sharks.

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Jared Leto – Believe it or not, he is not part of Lonely Island.

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Dana Perry – Her win for Best Documentary Short Subject was for a serious topic (veterans & suicide) but her dress was giving us life … and proved NPH can ad lib when needed. And we needed.

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Viola Davis – One day she will win an Oscar … and learn how to walk in heels!

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Gwyneth Paltrow – It was crazy and risky and 80s and I loved it. If you are going to harp about steaming your vadge, you might as well wear one on your shoulder.

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Margot Robbie – Now that she’s completely removed any trace of Jamie Pressly from the industry, she’s gunning for full Emma Stone annihilation. You have been warned.

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The Hobbit is over but the elfin beauty trend has only just begun.

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Emma Stone – There are two types of people in this world: those who can successfully wear chartreuse and the 99.99% rest of us. Perfection.

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Patricia Arquette – Who does an Oscar winning feminist have to f*ck to get a proper blowout in this town? Equal pay for a good hairstylist NOW!

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Rita Ora – People, stop trying to make Rita Ora happen. #fetch.

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Chloe Grace Moretz – Pockets in dresses are cool, until you are on stage and they make you look like you are dealing with some sort of irritating rash.

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Jessica Chastain – Always the bridesmaid never the bride. Say yes to the dress, just not this one.

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Cheryl Boone Isaacs – Speaking of weddings, here’s the Academy President … and the mother of the bride.

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Naomi Watts – The dress is Armani, but the sports bra is lululemon. The Cult of SoulCycle is real, children!

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Jennifer Aniston – Perhaps the film industry would take her more seriously as an actress if she lost the Friends/Must See TV hair.

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David Oyelowo – Don’t kid yourselves, the real reason he was crying was because he kept getting mistaken for a theatre usher. “Sir, is there a bar on the mezzanine?”

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John Legend & Common – That emotional performance of “Glory” proved how far we’ve come … since Three 6 Mafia won for “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.”

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Idina Menzel – Local authorities say Adele Dazeem will not be pressing charges since it turns out the inappropriate touching was a total misunderstanding. John didn’t have on his contacts and kept mistaking her for his male masseuse.

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Scarlett Johansson – Unfortunately, neither ScarJo’s terrible kryptonite necklace nor her lesbian ‘do could keep her safe from her A Love Song for Bobby Long co-star John Revolta’s Xenu death grip. Stay perfectly still and no one gets hurt.

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Lady Gaga – Not since Britney Spears in 2008 has a raggedy weaved pop star fallen so hard and risen back to the top so quickly. But in lieu of a conservator, auto-tune and an upped dosage of psychotropic meds, Stefani Germanotta used her natural voice and a pair of red Palmolive bovine insemination gloves. While it’s ripe for ridicule, this look was the closest we got to a Cher moment, a Celine Dion reverse tux, Bjork swan dress or Demi Moore bike shorts, so all I have to say is … Applause!

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Julie Andrews – 79 and flawless.

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Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu – He won two Oscars on the heels of fellow Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron’s win for Gravity last year. Now this is the start of a Latino stereotype that I can fully support. Wepa!

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John Stamos – at the Oscars? When you look this hot (especially at 51) anything is possible.

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Ben Affleck – Presenting Best Director after his Argo snub. Nice to see Batman has a sense of humor.

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Michael Keaton – But following Eddie Redmayne’s win for Best Actor, this gum chewing Batman probably doesn’t.

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Cate Blanchett – Wearing a statement necklace that said: “This will be perfect for cousin Shari’s bat mitzvah in Boynton Beach.”

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Jake Gyllenhaal – Was totally snubbed for a Best Actor nom. Just had to point out it again.

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Eddie Redmayne – I know people say he’s cute. But I think he’s just a wig away from playing the eccentric best friend in the next Kate Hudson/Emily Blunt/Shailene Woodley romcom flop. Judy Greer better watch out.

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Solange Knowles – Gumby in red! For the love of House of Dereon, who retrofitted her into this Christian Siriano haute couture strait jacket? #beyonce

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Matthew McConaughey – The missing link in the Shia LaBeouf – Joaquin Phoenix douchetionary chain. He’s also a shiny blazer away from locking down a Vegas lounge host residency.

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Julianne Moore – At last. Well deserved, long overdue and should have won at least twice before. But I must admit, I wanted her dress to gimme gimme Moore.

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Sean Penn – I was going to say he looked ruggedly handsome. But after that tired green card joke, he’s still just a jerk. Apparently, nothing has changed since he was married to Madonna and punching photographers from coast to coast.

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will i CAN’T – Just because the Oscars are held at a mall, that’s still no reason to dress like a Foot Locker sales associate. Have a seat, ma’am.

William

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Things learned watching the The 65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards:

1. The Emmys are so obsessed with death that Ryan Murphy is giving them their own “American Horror Story” season next year.

2. “Modern Family,” Julia-Louis Dreyfus and Jim Parsons need to take themselves out of Emmy consideration. You should be allowed two wins for the same role and then g-bye!

3. Sarah Paulson from “American Horror Story” was robbed.

4. Anna Faris’ new sitcom will never be as funny as her hair & dress last night. Yikes!

5. The Jon Hamm era is officially over, because it’s all about Bobby Cannavale now.

6. Either Kathy Bates or that woman from “The Weakest Link” will one day win an Emmy for the Showtime biopic “The Elton John Story.”

7. If anyone deserves to win an acting award for “Behind the Candelabra” it should really be the HBO wig department.

8. The name Merritt Wever.

9. It’s a good thing Shemar Moore is pretty.

10. Sorry Ron Burgundy fans, but someone needs to make Will Ferrell stop. Like now.

With a tragic reminder of JFK’s assassination, 5 show-stopping death spotlights, the prerequisite In Memoriam tribute, a “Homeland” writer’s posthumous win, Elton John’s snore song about the late Liberace and a coma-inducing performance by Carrie Underwood, the only way the Emmys could have been any more morbid was if they had featured “Walking Dead” extras as seat fillers. If only!

Neil Patrick Harris — How does he do it? I mean, name another gay man that can dance, tell jokes, play straight when he has to and still look good in a suit? Um, on second thought …

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler — Screw Hillary Clinton, they got my vote.

Merritt Wever — Her 11 word acceptance speech did what “Nurse Jackie” couldn’t … make her famous.

Tony Hale — Julia Louis Dreyfus’ acceptance speech did what “Veep” couldn’t … make him famous.

Jon Hamm — He has the hottest beard … next to Kevin Spacey’s date of course. I kid. I kid. Kevin actually brought his longtime (business) partner, Dana Brunetti. Talk amongst yourselves.

Julia Louis Dreyfus — Kudos for having officially turned “Seinfeld” into just another credit on her resume.

Will Arnett — AMBER Alert!

Melissa Leo — She’s won an Oscar & an Emmy but somehow is still being styled by Jiminy Cricket.

Sofia Vergara — From “Chasing Papi” obscurity to highest paid television actress in just ten years. Eva Longoria say what??

Matt Damon — Catherine Zeta-Jones isn’t the only person not getting an award for f*cking Michael Douglas.

Michael Douglas — With gay innuendo, estranged spouses and incarcerated children, was that an acceptance speech or a Netflix series pitch meeting?

Connie Britton — In keeping with the “Behind the Candelabra” theme, she wore vintage Liberace velvet upholstery.

Mark Burnett — Praise the Lord he won for “The Voice” and not “The Bible.”

Diahann Carroll & Kerry Washington — Two gorgeous ladies serving a little TV history lesson for the children. While Diahann made waves with her groundbreaking sitcom “Julia,” it really is all about Dominique Deveraux and Olivia Pope. And the real scandal … Diahann is 78!!

Bobby Cannavale — Loved him since “Third Watch” but damn he’s really grown into a fine ass man. Besides dating the gorgeous Rose Byrne, another fun fact: He’s half Italian and Cuban… which makes total sense, I mean who wouldn’t want a slice of his platano.

Julianna Margulies & Dylan McDermott — They look great together & would be perfect in a romcom … if only they could play leads in theatrical movies.

Jeff Daniels — He better be careful, Walter White just put a hit out on him.

Claire Danes — She’ll always be Temple Grandin to me.

Heidi Klum — Singlehandedly has made strapless turtleneck gowns the new fetch. Auf Wiedersehen.

Derek Hough — Yes, we could all make jokes for days about the fact that Julianne Hough’s brother has an Emmy and insert celebrity name here does not. But the honest truth is that the choreography segment was the most entertaining portion of the telecast.  Break a leg, Mr. Hough.

Anna Faris — The Yellow Peril.

Allison Janney — Looked amazing and not just amazing … for her. Just amazing. She should send Anna Faris a thank you card.

Ellen Burstyn — I liked “Political Animals” but everyone knows this award belonged to Sarah Paulson in “AHS:Asylum.”  Don’t f*ck with Lana Winters!

Breaking Bad — The Emmys finally got something right … and I don’t even watch the damn show.