Cristiano Ronaldo — STREAKS!

FBL-WC2014-CRO-POR-FRIENDLYWith his popped collar and unfortunate frosted tips, Portuguese futbol stud Cristiano Ronaldo was just a puka shell necklace away from being every Abercrombie & Fitch gay salesperson — male AND female — in Ohio circa 2003.

Cristiano showed off his new Midwestern mall look at a game against Croatia in Geneva on Monday.

Lowlights and all, the 28-year-old perfectly pruned and bronzed soccer star can help find my size anytime.