Things learned watching the 2012 Emmys:
- Julianne Moore can do a lot of things, but no one (I’m talking to you Danes & Bowen) can pull off that neon yellow/green bile color. Especially without a golden tan.
- “Homeland” cannot win enough awards to redeem Showtime from the human stain on their schedule that is “Gigolos .”
- Kerry Washington has a lisp. Who knew?
- I don’t want to live in a world where Kristen Wiig will never receive an Emmy for SNL.
- Thanks to her Snooki poof on steroids hair don’t, Ashley Judd can rest assured her cheeks are no longer the biggest and puffiest thing about her.
- Fans of CBS sitcoms are a lot like Scientologists, you know they are out there but no one has actually met one.
- When Damien Lewis goes missing, Jon Hamm and Michael C. Hall should be the first to be questioned.
- The camera loves Lena Dunham … when the hot guy on “Revenge” is sitting directly behind her.
- “American Horror Story” is a mini-series.
Without movie stars or musicians, the Emmys are generally the most boring of award shows and this year was no different.
Thank God for DVRs.
Jimmy Kimmel – The best he’s ever looked. He’s chosen sides and is Team Camille.
Amy Poehler – Parks and Wrecked marriage but she looks amazing. But don’t tell me she traded Will Arnett for Louis CK!
Eric Stonestreet – Straight guys play gay and get awards. Gay guys play straight and get Scientolowives.
Zooey Deschanel – She really needs to stop dressing like a white extra in “The Help.”
Jon Cryer – I hate being reminded that Duckie is on “Two and Half Men.”
Christina Hendricks – “Mad Men” went home empty handed but Christina’s husband sure didn’t.
Kat Dennings – Heir to the Christina Hendricks Cleavage Throne.
Modern Family – The Lily skit was the funniest thing of the night. Every skit needs Ken Jeong in half drag. No for real.
Julie Bowen – Never mind the award or that neon dress, who is her hot husband?
Sofia Vergara – She can make anything look good – even neon yellow/green bile gowns – but her dress last night was about ten years too soon for “Dancing with the Stars.”
Melissa McCarthy – Oh yeah, she’s on that Mike & Molly CBS sitcom thing. I totally forgot.
Amazing Race – Sorry but I think the toughest reality competition show is “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” … because I challenge you to try and sit through an entire episode. I couldn’t.
Lena Dunham – For anyone that’s ever wanted to see Justin Bieber in a dress – mission accomplished.
Julia Louis Dreyfus – 3 sitcoms, 3 Emmys. But don’t you dare bring up “Watching Ellie.”
Tom Berenger – TV’s Mickey Rourke – melted face and all.
Claire Danes – From angst ridden teen to autistic animal doctor to bipolar CIA Agent, Claire can do no wrong … as a TELEVISION actress. Holla.
Tracy Morgan – Flatline, indeed.
Connie Britton – Her hair and dress were an American Horror Story.
Jeremy Davies – His hair and demeanor brought to you by Meth.
Juliana Margulies – “Good Wife”, bad dress. It’s curtains for Julie … shower curtains.
Jessica Lange — Love huh! She walked that stage like it was no big whoop. I just want her to drink gin and tell me stories.
Ellen DeGeneres – And that my friends is the closest we’ll ever get to seeing Miss Ellie in a skirt.
Portia di Rossi – Rockin’ a burlap pantsuit? Oh you silly little lipstick lesbian, you.
In Memoriam skit – Never forget.
Julianne Moore – If that dress were chambray she’d win an Emmy for playing a sister wife. You betcha.
Ashley Judd – The only thing that has gone Missing is her hair stylist.
Ginnifer Goodwin – Any thinner and David E. Kelley will hire her.
Kevin Costner – Dances with Self-Tanner.
Nicole Kidman – Nicole at the Emmys is slowly preparing us for the inevitable bizarro end of world shit coming this spring … Nicole Kidman in the “American Idol” audience.
Hope you enjoy these musings more than Josh Groban covering One Direction during an In Memoriam skit.
Tweet me: @thejohnnylopez