Republican | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

You heard all the lies, half-truths and exaggerations in Donald Trump‘s State of the Union speech, so I’ll spare you from rehashing any of that nonsense.

Instead here are 20 things you didn’t see or hear last night.

ALL THE THINGS NANCY PELOSI SAID …


1. “This is going to be a tough vote. I mean, I love Lady Gaga, but Glenn Close is long overdue.”

 


2. “I’ll have the fettuccine alfredo, sauce on the side, and a house salad.”

 


3. “Hey Pencey. 22 Across. What’s a five-letter word for snake oil salesman? Bwahaha.”

 


4. “The only wall going up is this hand between you and my chest.”

 


5. “This is my House, bitch. Kiss the ring.”

 


6. “Don’t worry, Donald. I’ll keep your balls safe right here.”

 


7. “Dang! That weave is even more busted than I thought.”

 


8. “Mother is gonna shit when she sees this!”

 


9. “I think you’re really going to love Club 96.”

 


1o. “You’re so basic vain. You probably think this clap is about you.”

 


11. “That performance was completely phony and devoid of any charisma, uniqueness, nerve or talent.Β  Your runway look was amateur, crooked and an insult to all the queens that stand before you. And your hair and makeup were even cheaper than your words. Donald Trump, you are up for incarceration. The time has come for you to lip sync for your life.”

 

THREE THINGS MIKE PENCE WAS THINKING …


12. “Next year I’ll be giving this speech …or in solitary confinement.”
13. “Forgive me Mother, for I have sinned.”
14. “Jeepers! I can’t wait for that Maroon 5 guy to come on & take his shirt off again.”

THREE THINGS MELANIA SAID TO HERSELF …


15.”I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Oh, not yet? My bad.”
16.”You can do this. Hello, I’m Melania. Be Best. Children. Bullying. Hello, I’m Melania. Be Best. Children. Bullying. Hello, I’m Mel…..”
17.Β  “I think it’s time I go for another one of those ‘kidney operations’ again.”

WHAT A.O.C. WAS THINKING …


18. “I thought when a new Supreme rises, the old one is supposed to fade away. Goddammit!”
19. “I’m fine if this whole politics thing doesn’t work out, because what I really want to do is direct.”
20. “Jovani.”

Stay strong, everyone. There are only 626 days until Election Day, November 3, 2020.

 

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