Ten things learned watching the 85th Annual Academy Awards:
1. William Shatner and Kristen Chenoweth are Seth MacFarlane’s Rob Lowe and Snow White.
2. All future hosts must insist Russell Crowe “sing” at every Oscars.
3. Your chances of winning in sound categories double with purchase of Farrah Fawcett extensions.
4. If Charlize Theron and Halle Berry both show up, shut the red carpet down and send everyone else home.
5. Kristen Stewart hasn’t had a hot meal in weeks.
6. Jennifer Aniston’s rendition of “The Way We Were” was amazing.
7. Hating Anne Hathaway is so last week, which only means the Jennifer Lawrence backlash is imminent.
8. Bradley brought his boozy mom, Joseph G-Levitt brought Sally Field, Jackman his legally bound opposite-sex roommate and Travolta his wig. We still have a lot of work to do, people.
9. “Searching for Sugar Man” is a documentary and not another Bravo matchmaker show.
10. The Oscars orchestra is now located a half mile away at the Capitol Records building. Um WHAT?!
Just some quick words on last night’s Oscars, apologies for the repeats from my Facebook updates, tweets and TMZ posts. As always feel free to send me your rants and raves.
Seth MacFarlane – Love or hate him, I never understand why award shows hire someone with an edgy sense of humor and then are shocked/appalled when they make controversial, un-politically correct jokes.
Charlize Theron – Even with the Bieber hair, she can do no wrong. Flawless. She wasn’t just giving Ginger Rogers, she was serving Juliet Prowse Legs commercial realness (Google it).
Melissa McCarthy – or was it Abby from “Dance Moms”?
Channing Tatum – It’s amazing all he has accomplished considering his special needs.
Jennifer Aniston – Doesn’t matter if she’s wearing jeans or a gown, she has cryogenically preserved her hair and makeup from the Brad Pitt era.
Halle Berry – Pure Dominique Deveraux perfection.
Shirley Bassey — The ONLY Bond song. She’s seventy-fuckin-six!
Jessica Chastain – The Oscar was hers … if the Academy Awards were held in December. Damn you, Harvey Weinstein!
Catherine Zeta-Jones – Raven from RuPaul’s Drag Race, the time has come for you to lip synch for your life.
Jennifer Hudson – Every time she hits it out of the park – which is always – another piece of “American Idol” dies.
Les Mizzzzzzz – Thank God that’s over. And once again, thank you Russell Crowe.
Chris Pine vs. Chris Evans – Beam me up, Scotty.
Anne Hathaway – Les Zipperables. Ok, enough. Cue the “Jaws” theme to all the Hathahate.
Mark Wahlberg & Ted – Seeing that little monkey face squeezed into the tiny tux was so adorable … and Ted looked cute too.
Quvenzhane Wallis – Gazuntite! Three words: Keisha Castle –Hughes.
Sandra Bullock – Step away from the Japanese hair straightening, Sandy.
Adele – She now has a Grammy and an Oscar. Forget the EGOT, here comes the Jenny Craig sponsorship deal.
Scarlett Johansson – Should have performed her nominated song “Before My Time” … and WON! It’s better than “Skyfall”. No offense, but it’s true.
Kristen Stewart – Dress by Reem Acra. Hair by Down Under the 101 Freeway Overpass.
Salma Hayek – The dress had her more choked up and convoluted than her ramblings.
Barbra Streisand – While I can’t vouch for the “Melrose Place” choker, it ain’t the Oscars until someone pulls out the OG Kidman Nose.
Nicole Kidman – A funny thing happened on the way to the Oscars … she fell into the La Brea Tar Pits.
Renee Zellweger – ‘Memba her? Gurl, open your eyes because they are honoring your work in “Chicago” not “Dazed and Confused.”
Jane Fonda – Looked fierce as she teleported straight from Amanda Carrington’s Moldavian Massacre wedding. On Golden Fonda.
Jennifer Lawrence— Everyone loves her, but don’t forget you adored Hathaway right after Prada too.
Jack Nicholson – Who left the gate open?
Michelle Obama – She’s doing very important work.
George Clooney – Loving the sexy granddaddy beard … and I don’t mean his nurse, Stacy Keibler.
Ben Affleck – So we’re supposed to feel bad because he didn’t get a director nom after making a career comeback? Um, his rock bottom was making millions starring in big Hollywood films with his hot girlfriend … it’s not like he was holed up in a hotel room strung out on Oxycontin or forced to make cable movies about Liz Taylor. I’ll give my sympathies to the people who really deserve it … the first responders assigned to John Travolta’s hair and makeup.