VMA | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

2008 VMAs

Comments
September 8, 2008 // Award Shows, VMA


Things I learned watching the 2008 MTV VMAs:

  1. Either MTV feels really bad for allowing a bikini-clad comatose mother of two implode live on stage in front of the world last year, or Jive Records paid a shitload of cash to make sure Britney won three awards for a bad video of her dancing – aka dazedly lifting her arms and running her fingers threw her mangled mane.

  1. You know the VMAs are lame when the most punk rock moment is having a bubble gum American Idol winner take down a surly British comedian by defending the honor of purity rings. Where’s a sexed up pop star writhing around the floor in a wedding dress mocking abstinence when you need her?!

  1. Rock and Roll is officially dead when a spoiled brat from “My Super Sweet 16” would seem less out of place on the MTV red carpet than a band like Slipknot.

  1. In lieu of a proper arena, venue or theater, MTV decided to hold this year’s awards in a high school gym. Total audience occupancy: 38 people!

  1. Between Rihanna, Pink and Christina… Mad Max S+M lipstick lesbian leather chic is really big in the female vocal world.

  1. The Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane are in fact two different call girl rings groups.

  1. Condolences to Taylor Swift, Ciara, Ashley Tisdale and the like, but the sparkly dress is done. And no more teen boys in suits. DONE!

  1. They really should rename them the YouTube Awards, because everyone knows that’s the only place you can watch music videos these days.

The last time the VMAs were even remotely fun was back in 2003 with the Britney/Madonna/Xtina kiss thing, then came the Miami and Vegas debacle years. RIP. Last year’s highlight – if you can call it that – was the world’s first live public crucifixion. So it’s only fitting that last night’s theme appeared to be redemption – at least as far as Britney and her armies of stylists and pharamacists are concerned. That being said, how can the show have any real clout when in reality, MTV’s best new artist is not a musical act – it’s Heidi and Spencer?

Time to take off your purity rings and enjoy the recap!

Britney Spears – Don’t call it a comeback. Yes, I know, we’re all rooting for her and she did look good – minus that ropey, spaghetti weave, but can people just chill? Being semi-lucid and medicated enough to sit through hair and makeup and accept some non-significant award is not curing cancer! It’s amazing what you can do when you stop traipsing around Malibu gas stations barefoot and hand your life over to your father. And the VMA goes to… 5150 holds!

Rihanna – Right now she can do no wrong, except for ripping off everything from Thriller, Marilyn Manson and Madge’s iconic 1984 VMA “Like a Virgin” number during her performance of “Disturbia.” Is she really dating Chris Brown or is her Brigitte Nielsen butch ‘do and newly acquired “L Word” tough girl persona more indicative of who she really is?! Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum!

Russell Brand – Props for bringing back Joan Cusack’s “Working Girl” ‘do. My outta borough brethren thank you. But if we’ve learned anything from Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, it’s that you NEVER apologize – especially not to an 18-year-old “American Idol” winner. Piss on that.

Jamie Foxx – Actor or singer? Pick a side and stay there.

Demi Moore – Does she have an album coming out? Then why is she there? The 45-year-old does not age, but that’s still no reason to come out wearing Suri Cruise’s dress.

Taylor Swift – Ol’ girl has gotta stop getting her hair, makeup and outfits from the Piggly Wiggly!

Jonas Brothers – Between the purity rings, the “There Will Be Blood” performance outfits and the Sesame Street number, can someone please explain to me their allure? They are so becoming The Coreys – 2018 edition.

Katy Perry – You’re not Dita Von Teese — leave the ‘40s bloomers at home – along with your irritating faux-lesbian anthem.

Michael Phelps – We’ve found our new Lurch for “The Addams Family” reboot! Doesn’t he look like that giant from “Big Fish?”

Leona Lewis – Pairing her with Lil’ Wayne makes as much sense as giving Britney three awards for “Piece of Me.”

Lil’ Wayne – What the hell is Whoopi Goldberg doing singing topless at the VMAs? Or was it Jungle Book’s Mowgli? I know I sound like a parent, but seriously, in the name of Marky Mark… pull up those pants!

T-Pain – Because one Lil’ John in this world just isn’t enough.

Lindsay Lohan – Where is the love, MTV? Where’s her VMA? She got rehabbed too!

Ciara – Someone might want to put her wig on frontward for her.

Pussycat Dolls – It’s BOOBIES, not groupies. I don’t care what they say or how radio edits that song! Quick, name one of them other than Nicole Sherzinger. I dare you!

Paramore – Cyndi Lauper meets Tiffany with a Scientology-free dash of Juliette Lewis.

Shia LaBeouf – I flipped my truck drunk, broke my hand, held up production of my new film and stole Adrian Grenier’s chick – but I over-moussed my hair and put on a suit for you. So can I get a VMA too?

Miley Cyrus – Strangely likeable.

Pink – Her performance ensemble was the best she’s ever looked. So what if she resembles the chick from Bravo’s “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.” What was with her and Rihanna trying to one-up each other – hair, cleavage, outfit? Just makeout and get it over with already, ladies.

Ashlee Simpson – Pregnant and looking like a skinny Wynonna Judd.

Pete Wentz – The cutest midget I’ve ever seen. Adorable.

Slipknot – Almost as scary as Danity Kane. Almost.

Jordin Sparks – Maybe if she were a little sluttier she wouldn’t need Chris Brown singing on her records to give her a hit.

Lauren Conrad – How sad is it that she’s the face of MTV these days?

Christina Aguilera – The bastard love child of Lady GaGa, Samantha Fox, Kylie and Linda Hogan. Guess that whole ‘40s big band thing didn’t work out so well. She’s always getting the short end of the Britney stick. ‘Memba she kissed Madonna too, and didn’t go crazy or lose her children, but it was still the Britney show last night. What’s a former Mousketeer gotta lip synch to get noticed around here?

Tokio Hotel – What if Pete Burns from “Dead or Alive” circa 1985 and Bjork had a hermaphrodite baby? … And no one cared.

Paris Hilton – I don’t understand why MTV isn’t publicizing her reality show more! Another rehabilitated famous person. Damn, 2006 really was one fucked up year in Hollywood!

Drake Bell – Zac Efron, is that you?

Kid Rock – Rodent.

Kanye West – Um, that’s how you close the show?! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! Flatline. Which I guess is only fitting.

Until next year’s show, when Britney will either attempt a choreographed number, tragically host, or spontaneously combust on the VMA stage.

2006 VMAs

Comments
September 3, 2006 // Award Shows, VMA

With no amazing performances, surprise guests or controversial moments – save the fact that transsexuals have taken over pop music (via Fergie, Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane) — last night’s show was quite tepid. While I am glad they brought the show to it’s rightful home of New York –back from two muy malo years in Miami — it could still use some revamping. And by revamping I mean: keep it simple. Set up one stage, hire a non-erratic host and make sure presenters have rehearsed their lines. Once you have that down, I’m sure getting the Duff sisters to make out or Lil’ Jon to duet with Tori Amos will be a breeze.

Please remember this recap is supposed to be amusing and not taken so seriously.

As always send me your comments and love to:

lopeyj@yahoo.com.

Until next time.

-Johnny Lopez
lopeyj@yahoo.com

Justin Timberlake – He’s bringing Sexy and Michael Jackson back! Did he learn nothing from the last time he channeled Senor Jacko? If he really wanted to wow us then he and Timbaland should have ended their number with a full on man-on-man kiss. You ready?!

Jack Black – It’s really funny that some people find him funny. Sometimes, I just don’t get you heteros and your bad senses of humor!

Jack White (and the Raconteurs) – I think Jack is so weird. Not because he’s paler than Nicole Kidman’s ass, or because he bares a bizarre resemblance to Mighty Mouse. But because he dated Renee Zellweger for a year. Ewww. That’s some strange shit.

Lil’ Kim – has gone a lil’ insane. Why in the world is she trying to look like Joan Rivers and Madam from Wayland Flowers? Still, she’s good show.

James Blunt – All it took to bring him and Petra Nemcova together was a tsunami.

Andre 3000 & Ciara – She still looks more masculine than he does. Sorry Andre but the jodhpurs trend failed.

Black Eyed Peas – the inner city No Doubt. Hip-pop. Positive rap. Call it what you like but their lyrics are just crappy gibberish to me. Can’t wait to see their latest commercial, mall appearance or the inevitable performance at the Mrs. America pageant. Don’t let them fool you; the only color these Peas see is GREEN.

Fergie – Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse than the Black Eyed PLEASE (you know I had to call them that at least once), along comes little miss vagi-skirts with a solo video, er, I mean album. Can someone please explain what “London Bridge” is all about? On second thought, don’t!

The Rock – With every ounce of fame he gets skinnier and skinnier. He’s the WWE version of Nicole Richie.

Shakira – Gorgeous on the red carpet. Proving you don’t need tons of makeup when you’re truly beautiful –sorry Xtina and Fall Out Boy. Mamacita’s been toning and tanning I see.

“Jackass” guys – No mas! We get it. You guys are crazy. Now please take your place in the reality show graveyard next to “Fear Factor”, “Paradise Hotel” and “The Bachelorette.” Except you Johnny Knoxville, please report to my room ASAP.

50 Cent and LL Cool J – The two hottest bods in rap and they wear oversized sweatshirts. That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard since Will Smith tried to rap again.

Lil Jon – Isn’t it about time we called Human Services. I mean seriously.

Kelly Clarkson – She wasn’t there but she won over Madonna. I’ll let that slide if you promise to stop your disgusting habit of watching “American Idol” every year. C’mon, please! If not I’ll force you to listen to Rueben, Fantasia and Carrie Underwood albums!

Pussycat Dolls – Who knew the other bimbos could speak??? Ok, very nice, you won. Now I need you to get back to your posts on the West Side Highway. Time is money girls.

Sarah Silverman – Sarah, if you don’t trip or fall then the MTV audience does not get your humor. To be quite honest, last night neither did I. And I usually love her. I’m just gonna blame Jack Black on that too.

Jessica Simpson – Did her stylist, Jessica Paster, put her in that Kelly Bundy dress? Somebody call Rachel Zoe quick! And has she been secretly working out with Nick because by the looks of her shoulders, girl can do a mean lat pulldown. At least she didn’t sing. Thank God for small miracles.

OK Go – Was it me or did the treadmill routine seem 100 times cooler on Youtube? Nevertheless kudos.

Sean White (Olympian) – I too thought one Carrot Top in this world would be enough. But it is nice to see a male one.

Paris Hilton – I barely recognize her unless she’s coming out of Hyde, or cumming in general.

Tara Reid – With every celeb under 30 in NY last night, I hope she had no trouble getting into Hyde yesterday. If you know not of what I speak check out this link:

http://www.tmz.com/2006/08/28/hilarious-paris-tara-video-im-so-yesterday/

Nick Lachey – So wait he really does sing? Who does he have to f*ck to get his song played on the radio? Or better yet on MTV? Which brings us to…

Vanessa Minnillo – Tread softly my dear because underneath the TRL studio you can still hear the ghosts of Idalis and Ananda Lewis gasping for airtime.

Nicole Richie-Escovedo – I’m rooting for the Twig Princess. I really am. She’s very witty and the most stylish 9-year-old I’ve ever seen. I heard after the show she was at Bungalow 8 canoodling with John Mark Karr.

Pink – Winning for “Stupid Girls” and having Nicole Richie present it to you — Can you say awkward? Her shaved head coif and unfortunate palazzo pants — even more awkward. But her new album is fantastic. I highly recommend it.

John Norris – There are no words to explain. Does Mystic Tan have a new hairline? This MTV dinosaur needs to lay off the Sun-In. Freak-A-Zoid.

Beyonce – Diary of a Mad Black Woman! CRAZY in love is right. Somebody please “Ring the Alarm” because there is some serious shit going on in the House of Dereon.
Excuse me Ms. Knowles, while there’s no denying you are a fab dancer, did you honestly think we wouldn’t remember Rhythm Nation 1814??? With Jacko and Janet representing via JT and B – who’s up for channeling LaToya and Tito? BTW, where was Janet? Miss Jackson has a new album coming up and needs all the help it can get. This time she better start readying her left boob.

Diddy – How he got America to run out and buy copies of Danity Kane’s debut album is a bigger mystery than the whereabouts of Suri Cruise.

Jared Leto – for his latest role Jared Leto will play a Goth. Stupid! Goth in HS is one thing. I’ll even excuse twentysomethings in bands discovering 80s Goth. But Goth in your 30s is just plain sad. Leto needs to find his “My So Called Life.”

Amy Lee – She’s a flop album away from scrapping her look and re-emerging in Danity Kane.

Panic at the Disco, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance – Nice outfits boys. I had no idea Jane Austen and Edith Wharton were the hardest working stylists in rock. If the MAC counter near you is out of ebony eyeliner blame their labels

Panic at the Disco – For everyone (especially guys) who say they don’t like Broadway musicals, I call bullshit. Because their hit song has Andrew Lloyd Weber written all over it.

Fall Out Boy – Were they dressed for the VMAs or a prom at Hogwarts?

My Chemical Romance – Never mind the performance. That was the best ad the Observation Deck at Rockefeller Center could ever have hoped for. I’m so there my next trip to NY. (Which is during Thanksgiving btw).

Fort Minor – “Where’d You Go” – Eminem and Dido never sounded so good.

Kelis – Sadly she was going for the 106th and Park Ave Princess look but wound up like a 60s kindergarten teacher instead.

Little Miss Sunshine – I don’t get what the hype is all about. Sorry.

Avenge Sevenfold – Who? What? Why? I’m just too old I guess.

Britney and K-Fed – What? How? Why? I’m just too old I guess.

Missy Elliott – How happy is she that she doesn’t have to wear Glad bags – by default -anymore?

Hype Williams – proving you can still wear a hot tux and not lose your street cred. Superb. But Diddy is gonna kill him for not mentioning him in his acceptance speech.

Christina Aguilera – SING! What a voice. But I’m getting really tired of her whole “I’mnottrashylikeBritneysoI’mgonnabereallyglamorous” thing. We get it baby Jane. If she keeps pushing the classy image, expect to see her turn up as Elizabeth I or the Virgin Mary next.

Linda Perry – on piano w/ Xtina or was it Fievel?

AFI – MISS Murder, I couldn’t have thought up a better song title if I tried. The lead singer is the love child of Alan Cumming and Joyce Dewitt. Eyeliner is one thing but false eyelashes?! Like Shakira says, hips don’t lie, lady. It’s Boy George 2006. And everyone pretends they always knew Lance Bass was gay. Ha!

Tenacious D – No.

Queen Latifah – Three horses had to die to bust her weave out.

Al Gore – in “How to make an award show come to a screeching halt.” The inconvenient truth is that sandwiched between acts like Pussycat Dolls and Axl Rose, this segment was just inappropriate. And that’s coming from someone who really liked the documentary.

Jennifer Lopez – I see someone’s seen “Grey Gardens.” It was nice of her to take a break from her duties in King Arthur’s court. She proved there’s no baby bump, but plenty of booty bump. I know she’s going to get lots of shit for her shower cap ensemble but at least it was interesting and fashion forward. And hysterical.

Axl Rose – The best Tonya Harding has looked in years.

The Killers – “When We Were Young” is just waiting to be put into a John Hughes teen comedy (with Molly Ringwald as the mom.) It’s “Don’t You Forget About Me ’06”. I can already hear it being played in proms from coast to coast. Can you tell I’m having a nostalgic moment?