Oscars | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

10 Things Learned Watching the 88th Annual Academy Awards:

1. It’s apparently absolutely acceptable to joke about the same topic for over 210 minutes.

2. Stacey Dash bombed so hard, the US should consider using her for ISIS drone strikes.

3. So even if you have the best of intentions & address a topic no one else had so far that night, and have the nerve to admit you may be inadvertently misquoting someone during your unexpected acceptance speech, The Gays will eat their own and come for blood. You have been warned. The Writings on the Tweet.

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4. Steven Spielberg has cast his wife Kate Capshaw in the latest Conjuring/Annabelle sequel. #SheBangs

5. In the wake Antonin Scalia’s death, Whoopi Goldberg has very subtlely thrown her name into the Supreme Court Judge nomination ring.

6. Just because you are nominated for a song Oscar doesn’t mean you can’t OVERACT. FOR. YOUR. LIIIIIIFE!

7. From now on, Charlize Theron shall only be addressed as Charice QUEEN.

8. In the Zero Fucks Given category, Frances McDormand’s Tony-winning denim jacket has been usurped by Mad Max costume design winner Jenny Beavan’s Sons of Anarchy motorcycle chic. I hope she made it safely back to the Shire.

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9. Ellen’s 2014 pizza delivery > Chris Rock’s Tagalongs > NPH‘s 2015 briefcase debacle

10. If Leonardo DiCaprio were a woman, we’d be saying he officially has everything … except a spouse. But he isn’t, so we won’t.

This year’s White Oscars are over. Since I’m not about to get into a political argument over Hollywood’s biggest night – that’s what your Facebook feed is for – here are my two cents on some of the show’s biggest highlights.

Enjoy!

Chris Rock – On a very special episode of The Oscars …

Emily Blunt – Nothing against her at all, but shame on the Academy for making any mere mortal – let alone a pregnant woman – present next to QUEEN Charlize.

Charlize Theron – According to Chris, she’s “whiter” than Emily Blunt, but don’t forget she’s also the first African woman to win Best Actress. #QUEEN

Sam Smith – Everyone simmer down! He’s not the first openly gay man to win. He misquoted Ian McKellan who was referring to there being no openly gay ACTING winners (Kevin Spacey, Joel Grey, even John Gielgud were not out at the time of their win.) Elton John, Scott Rudin, Dustin Lance Black etc .. are not acting winners. Sam even mentioned he might have the quote wrong in his speech. Regardless, he said something good about the gay community. Can’t we be happy about that? I know we live in the ‘attack & tweet’ era but breathe, chilrins, breathe. He’s on our side, even if he did rob Mother Monster (or, perhaps the 2 non-pop star nominees who didn’t get to sing their songs!). Oh and if you ask me (which you didn’t but imma tell you any way) Dustin Lance Black‘s catty tweet probably says more about him than 23-year-old Smith.

Kerry Washington – From the looks of her gladiator Kevlar®, she’s at war … with her stylist.

Henry Cavill – Swoon. Superman has never looked so dashing. SLAY me, Daddy.

Alicia Vikander – She deserved the Oscar … for Ex-Machina.

Cate Blanchett – ICON. Thank God someone took a risk. Love it or hate it, it’s a LEWK and she pulled it off like no one else could. Also, she’s the new Meryl.

Margot Robbie – Move over Blanche Deveraux, there’s a sexy new Golden Girl in town. Not content with taking over Jaime Pressly’s identity, she now appears to be gunning for Michelle Monaghan’s. Career Suicide Squad.

Jared Leto – So I’m assuming ’70s wedding groomsmen is now an actual thing in Bushwick/Echo Park/all of SanFran.

Rachel McAdams – She really is BACK!

Michael B. Jordan – LAWD HAVE MERCY! Please tell me the B stands for what I hope it does! No? Dammit!

Andy Serkis – Gollum looked precious. And by precious I mean coked out of his mind.

The Chilean winning directors – Gabriel Vargas (left) & Pato Escala (right) won for something or other. But more importantly “pato” means duck in Spanish. It’s also a derogatory term for gay. But I’ll take it. I mean if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck …

The Weeknd – As long as he’s not singing “Can’t Feel My Face” in a Carhartt jacket then it’s all good.

Kate Winslet – Flawless. I HATED Titanic,  but I LOVE all of this/them.

Mark Rylance – If he goes missing after snatching Best Supporting Actor, check Stallone’s trunk. That is, if you can even recognize him.

Sly Stallone – I didn’t realize he was married to Caitlyn BFF Candis Cayne.

Louis CK – Host of the 2017 Academy Awards.

Sharmeen Obaid-Chinay – “Good thing I have two of these.” Even without that read, she gave the best speech of the night after noting her best documentary short, A Girl In the River, is changing laws (honor killings!) in Pakistan. FYI, I think that luxe embroidered cloak cost more than a Honda Civic.

Dev Patel – From Slumdog to the Indian Adam Driver. The Hotness Awakens.

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Academy President Cheryl Boone-Isaacs –  We like you. We really, really like you!

Dave Grohl – Why it gotta be a “Blackbird?”

Jacob Tremblay & Kevin Hart – Adorable!

Sofia Vergara – The best chyron/fun fact of the night: Sofia Vergara co-starred with Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon in Hot Pursuit. #shade  Question: If Sofia Vergara doesn’t wear a mermaid dress, is it really Sofia Vergara?

Costume designer Sandy Powell – This is not Tilda Swinton despite all of Kris Jenner & Giuliana‘s hooting & hollering on E! But it could very well be yet another Lady Gaga Bowie tribute.

Lady Gaga – Just sing. Powerful song. Powerful message. Powerful visual. Powerful voice. Just sing.

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But it was respectful of her to honor the 25th anniversary of Madonna‘s Sooner or Later performance from the 1991 Oscars. Brava.

Common – #OscarsSoRight

Alejandro Inarritu – Two years in a row. 4 Oscars total. 7 nominations. With Cuaron’s win for Gravity in 2014, that makes it the third straight year a Mexican filmmaker has taken home Best Director. (Mexican cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki also won 3 times in a row) Yet that’s still not enough to stop the band from drowning out your speech — which just happened to be about race and skin color. Where’s Leo when you really need him?!

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Saoirse Ronan – Gorgeous! She was giving Heather Locklear/Sammy Jo Carrington in Dynasty and that is always a win.

Brie Larson – She won an Oscar and hugged every one of Gaga’s abuse survivors. The new Jennifer Lawrence has been crowned. And as an added bonus, she’s almost as pretty as boyfriend Alex Greenwald. How you doin’?

Matt Damon & Luciana Barroso – It must get annoying being constantly referred to as Matt Damon’s wife. But I guess it beats still slinging cocktails at a bar in South Beach.

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Leo DiCaprio  – It’s about time he finally got the respect he’s deserved. And just like Winslet, he didn’t win for the role he should have. I’d imagine pretending to like Kirk Cameron is a lot harder than wrestling a CGI bear in the wilds of Argentina .

Jake GyllenhaalBrokeback. End of Watch. Prisoners. Enemy. Nightcrawler. If you ask me, we’ve already found Leo’s award snub successor … and my future hubs!

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Jonathan Herman – Quick shout out to my longtime pal for his nomination for writing Straight Out of Compton. He didn’t technically win (Spotlight took it), but he did. Plus sitting between Tobey Maguire & JJ Abrams ain’t too shabby.

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With five truly unbelievable performances, it’s such a tight race this year.

#Oscars

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Things learned watching the 86th Annual Academy Awards:

  1. All it takes to host the Oscars is about three jokes, a selfie and ordering a pizza.
  2. Only Ellen can get said pizza delivered on Oscar Sunday in under 90 minutes. Mine took 105. Which is just about how long that pizza skit lasted.
  3. Words are not Tyson Beckford’s forte. #jessicaroberts
  4. Ellen hates Liza Minnelli.
  5. To the complete and utter shock of my 1995 issue of Tiger Beat, Jared Leto, Matthew McConaughey and Brad Pitt are now Oscar winners.
  6. With a wall of roses and a stage full of industrial grade body condoms, the set design was borrowed from The Bachelor.
  7. Pharrell, U2, Pink and Bette Midler cannot hold a candle to the media sensation that is the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.
  8. The one person more abused and butchered with improperly healed wounds than Patsey in 12 Years a Slave … is Kim Novak.
  9. When I think of Hollywood heroes for a film montage, Kevin Bacon in Footloose is right up there with Superman and Moses.
  10. The Academy was very eager to praise a harrowing and important film dealing with the tough subject matter of the human spirit’s enduring ability to survive and escape from a brutal, soul-crushing, dark and oppressive place … so they gave seven awards to Gravity.

Overall it was an historic evening, as a film helmed by a black director – Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave — won best picture and a Hispanic — Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity – won best director at a show hosted by a lesbian and overseen by the academy’s first black president.

Yet the biggest take away from this year’s Oscars is a gigantic flub from a beweaved closeted homosexual that introduced the world to a now famous non-existent pop star.

Hooray for Hollywood.

Here’s the recap!

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Ellen DeGeneres — That pizza wasn’t the only thing she phoned in.

Anne Hathaway — She really knows how to get tongues wagging …  with the epileptic seizures caused by the EDM laser show emitting from the bodice of her dress. Which is one way to wake people from the year long coma induced by watching Les Miserables.

Barkhad Abdi — Shouldn’t an Oscar nomination qualify you for SAG dental?

Jared Leto — Thankfully, he listened to his publicist — and Twitter  — and mentioned AIDS sufferers in his speech. So McConaughey wins an Oscar for losing weight and he gets one for impersonating co-star Jen Garner? Poor Leo.

Jim Carrey — ‘Memba him? Between him and Zellweger, there must be a Me,Myself & Irene curse.

Pharrell Williams – Wearing shorts on the red carpet. Who does he think he is, Demi Moore? And yes ‘Happy’ is catchy and corny, but if he can get Lupita to bust a move then it’s all good. But Christian Bale ain’t budging.

Naomi Watts and Samuel L. Jackson — Or as Sam Rubin from KTLA would say, Kristen Bell and Laurence Fishburne.

Catherine Martin (costume design winner/Baz Luhrmann’s wife) — The ghost of Lady Gaga’s future!  PS, Baz Luhrmann has a wife??!

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Hair & Makeup Oscar winning ladies from Dallas Buyers Club — Or was it the girls from your company’s accounts payable department?!

Harrison Ford — in Indiana Jones and the Earring of Doom.

Kim Novak — It’s great to see her back … from the Island of Dr. Moreau. The irony of having her present best ANIMATED film to FROZEN was lost on no one.

Sally Field — She looked fantastic and proved you can age gracefully — with a human face — in Hollywood. We like her. We really liked her.

Zac Efron — Almost as pretty as Jared Leto … but without the lace front weave.

Karen O — Who knew the L-train went all the way to the Dolby Theater?

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Kate Hudson — Gorgeous.  But she of all people should take heed of the McConaissance, stat! Unfortunately, it will probably take more than a 50 pound weight loss to save her from the depths of romcom hell. How to lose a career in 10 films.

Jason Sudeikis — DAMN! When did he get so hot? Such a dramatic transformation and he isn’t even playing an AIDS patient! So either Olivia Wilde is the true Supreme or she’s about to give birth to Beelzebub.

John Stamos and Lady Gaga at the Oscars — What? Why? How?

Bradley Cooper — He’s still no Gosling, but he was looking pretty damn good last night.

Darlene Love — 20 Feet from Stardom no more. Take your moment, gurl! SANG!

Ethan Hawke — Reality doesn’t bite. Hasn’t looked this good in years. No more junky chic.

Kevin Spacey — He’s nothing without Claire Underwood.

Ewan MacGregor & Viola Davis — Watch your backs, Jared and Lupita.

Brad Pitt — He now officially has it all. Has anyone checked on Jen in the last 24 hours?

Liza Minnelli — The woman breaks her hip when the wind blows, so they transported her across the country to honor her mother … by having her stand up in her seat for four seconds? It’s hard out here for a legend. But she did accost and hug Lupita, so I guess it was worth it.

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Chris Hemsworth & Charlize Theron — Descending from the heavens … and into the Hollywood and Highland shopping mall.

Lupita Nyong’o — The Jennifer Lawrence Era is officially over. America’s new sweetheart has been crowned, headband and all.  She could have worn Bjork’s swan dress or Celine Dion’s reverse tux and still wind up on everyone’s best dressed list. She’s one classy lady and hit all the right notes in her speech, especially when winning a superficial award for devastating and brutal subject matter. Take note, you know who.

Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs — Showcasing the new Academy museum as designed by the producers of HER.

Amy Adams — 5-time Oscar nominee, 0 wins. Poor Leo? Poor Amy! She’s got DiCaprio beat by one nom.

Gabourey Sidibe — Flawless.

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Whoopi Goldberg — Wearing Julia Robert’s Golden Globes outfit with Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. Cue the Crystal Waters … she’s homeless. la da di la da da.

Pink — She soared to new heights and all without her usual circus theatrics or silks. Impressive, indeed.

Jennifer Garner — Jared & Matthew get Oscars and she gets “she’s one of the most beautiful actresses ever” intro … I guess that’s a better than Mrs. Ben Affleck or star of 13 Going on 30.

Glenn Close — Serving German Chancellor Angela Merkel realness.

Goldie Hawn — Don’t blame her, blame her doctor … Kim Novak!

Bette Midler — Same age as 68-year-old Goldie but without all the scar tissue. Did you ever know that you’re MY hero?!

John Travolta — Did he have a stroke?  Or does his wig doctor just need to loosen his plugs a notch? As we speak, the Church of Scientology is investigating to see if Leah Remini was fucking with the teleprompter. Back to the auditing session he goes.

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Penelope Cruz — She had her own Adele Dazim moment by presenting the award for Best Adapted …”Scrimpling?” Que?

Angelina Jolie – Just stunning. I could watch her stare at me all night.

Cate Blanchett — With her deserved win for Blue Jasmine, can she now give back the Oscar for her caricature impersonation of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator? I’m not kidding.

Jennifer Lawrence — Forget tribute, I nominate her as … Hillary Clinton. The backlash starts now.

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Matthew McConaughey —  I thought he stopped reciting cheesy lines when he gave up the romcoms. God. Heroes. Himself. All right, all right, all right, was that an acceptance speech or some weird leaked Scientology video?  Ugh, this undoes all my True Detective love. Just take your shirt off, pretty boy.

Camila Alves — in Princess Leia chic.

Julia Roberts — Frumpy Woman. She should be taking career advice from Meryl, not fashion tips!

Will Smith — The Razzies were the night before so what in After Earth hell is he doing introducing Best Picture?

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