This week SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC enlists the help of Weho’s First Lady Michel Verdi Krymis to sound off on Madonna‘s amazing speech, Botox problems, the Trump & Kanye circus, LA LA Land, sexism, Walking Dead‘s Scientology crisis & the fashion power of Caitlyn Jenner. Now we may not be Russian … but we’re definitely hacks. So listen up!
Let’s get soaking wet, as SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC dives into the Olympic pool looking for speedos, smooth torsos & sketchy swimmers. Plus Britney Spears comes alive, Lady Gaga is reborn, Madonna celebrates a birth & Caitlyn Jenner transitions for the last time.
1. Britney Spears was amazing … for Britney Spears. And by that I mean she maneuvered the stage on her own power (save for her assisted back flip), opened and shut her mouth on a semi-consistent basis, flailed her arms on cue and successfully bolted down her weave. So in that sense – and to quote every other blog & twentysomething on Twitter – Britney did in fact “SLAY.” #PleaseStopUsingSlay
2. Ciara proved she has Braxton Family Values … circa 2001.
3. Fifth Harmony on holiday from their regular paying jobs as stand-ins on Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The Khloe one is still my fave!
4. Meghan Trainor – The hair is NO! That dress is NO! Her dancing is NO! You need to let it go.
5. Justin Bieber shaved his head, lip synched, arm-danced and is now having a full-blown breakdown on Instagram. He’s officially reached icon status. #GimmeGimmeMore
6. If P!nk is hoisted into the air it must be 2010 … or a Sunday.
7. Props to Demi Lovato for using her voice to speak out against all those ridiculous anti-transgender bathroom laws … and to sing LIVE! Groundbreaking.
8. In Memoriam. Last night, Gwen Stefani dyed … her brows. A moment of silence please. This shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
9. Adele sells more than anyone without having to parade around pantless, snatches trophies, doesn’t show up to award shows and drops a ridiculously simple video. She does not give AF! QUEEN.
10. Kesha – Career re-invention starts now! And if you don’t like her Colonel Sanders meets Temple Grandin ensemble then you must be Team Dr. Luke.
11. Rihanna is always the coolest chic in the room, even when it’s not technically Casual Friday. #WorkWorkWorkWorkWorkWork
12. You’d have to be dead inside to not fall in love with Celine Dion after her emotional speech last night. But the real question is how long until Gigi Hadid – or Calvin Klein – starts dating her It boy son, Rene Charles? #HeIs15
13. I’m living for Halsey‘s ’80s perm! I love saying PERM. Please tell me millennial girls in Brooklyn are rockin’ perms up and down Bedford. For the love of Rhea Perlman, make this a thing, Greenpoint! #fetch
14. Ariana Grande – For once, bride of Fievel didn’t annoy the crap out of me. Maybe I’ve just gotten use to her Seabiscuit extensions & lazy dancing, but since I actually heard her enunciate, I’m led to believe she finally had her tongue rebuilt. Congrats, lady.
15. The Go-Gos – Legends, kids!
Original member Kathy Valentine quit the group a few years ago & they added Abby Travis (center), but they still got the beat. And I’ll always be Mad About You, Belinda Carlisle.
16. Steven Tyler is going to be an excellent addition to Caitlyn’s bus next season!
17. Madonna – Well I loved the outfit! Listen, “Nothing Compares 2 U” is a really tough song to pull off. Obviously not the best for her to chose, but had she done a more uplifting dance track y’all be saying how disrespectful of her to not be solemn. Now I will give props to M for not lip synching, keeping the tribute heartfelt, low-key & not doing an over-the-top medley (ahem, Gaga). Madonna haters are gonna hate, but from one icon to another – who were born the same year, dated and recorded the 1989 track “LoveSong” together – it was still pretty major to witness in my book. Long live Prince & the Queen.
— BET (@BET) May 23, 2016
18. As an added bonus, check out Britney’s inadvertent red carpet tribute to
Fredrick’s of Hollywood Prince’s ladies Apollonia & Vanity. #Britney6
19. And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my HYSTERICAL weekly podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below. It’s life changing! 🙂
Crazy that they were all born the same year & even more insane that two have left us.
In 1984, the soundtrack to this 13-year-old’s life (like so many of my generation) was “Purple Rain,” “Thriller,” and “Madonna.”
They were, are & forever will be The Trinity. Now can someone please PLEASE put Madonna in a padded glass box??!!
#ICONS #RIP #Prince #MichaelJackson #LongLiveTheQueen #Madonna #TheTrinity
The annual Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art is all about fashion, drama and letting us have it. It is the Oscars on steroids. It is not for the timid, the safe, or for placating the small minds of the basic masses at home. Ready-to-Wear is not allowed.
That being said, here are 20 MAYJAH lewks from this year’s MET GALA, whose theme was “China: Through the Looking Glass.” #culturalappropriationalert
1. Eat your heart out, Khaleesi. Introducing Sarah Jessica Parker, Mother of Dragons. Carrie Bradshaw is alive and well.
2. Vogue Creative Director, Grace Coddington knows it’s her party and she can wear
Prada pajamas if she wants too! It’s all about Miss Grace, y’all.
3. Take away the bizarre statement necklace and Jennifer Lawrence is every PR girl working media check-in at a movie premiere. “Like, omigawd, I don’t see your name on the list.” Katniss needs to set this dress on fire!
4. Katie Holmes in Zac Posen. Rihanna wig sold separately.
5. This is the most hood you will ever see Anne Hathaway.
6. Elizabeth Banks serving Real Housewives of New Jersey realness. Styling by Dina Manzo.
7. The girl from The Ring is all growed up and BFFs with Selena Gomez, who, by the way, is finally showing off her voluptuous Latina curves. Wepa!
8. Kris Jenner in Linda Dano/Fellica Gallant Another World drag. Thank God Bruce is now safe.
9. Full House is dead to them, but American Horror Story would be a game changer for The Olsen Twins.
10. Lorde have mercy.
11. It’s Bieberace. Behind the Douchelabra.
12. What would Giuliana Rancic think about this? More importantly, how the hell does Zendaya get invited to all these A-list events? Patchouli oil and weed?
13. Beauty and the Beast in reverse. J.Lo knows to always keep a safe distance of at least two feet away from the Donatella Verzombie.
14. It takes a village, people! Rihanna is giving you GOWN for the GAWDS. #BedBathAndBeyondHauteCouture
15. Someone please inform Ms. Witherspoon that it’s the MET GALA not the Golden Globes! #snore #boring #change
16. It’s not nice to make fun of the fashion handicapped. #KatyPerryAlwaysGetsItWrong
17. Game of Thrones! But you are never getting the crown, bitches! #QueenOfPop
18. Would she ever really date a man THAT old? Believe it or not, only ONE of them is 36. #gavegoodface
19. That aint’ some sort of oil slick, it’s Solange destroying all the chickens in her path with her avant-garde eleganza. Sorry, but this is the Knowles sister who really slayed … and no elevator was required this year.
20. Forget Mayweather & Pacquiao, the fight of the century is the battle of the sheer bejeweled vagina dresses! Jenna Jameson would be so proud of these two.
That’s it. Now if only E! or Bravo or Logo would get it together and finally air this red carpet next year?! Sheesh! Don’t they know their audience?
The end. See y’all at H&M.
- Thanks to Madonna, Annie Lennox and Prince, the 80s queens are alive and well and still ruling the show.
- Staying off social media all night, because CBS still thinks it’s 2008 and won’t air the show live for the West Coast, is freakin’ hard!
- Iggy Azalea has co-opted another racial identity—Swiss Miss.
4. As far as Taylor Swift collectibles go: Lorde & Lena Dunham are out, but Haim is in.
5. If the show gets any longer, they’ll need to break it up over eight weeks, cast Jessica Lange (*insert Madonna joke here) and call it a mini-series.
AC/DC – For everyone belting out age-inappropriate fashion critiques at Madonna, please draw your attention to 59-year-old Angus Young. He’s been doing this for over four decades… which, believe it or not, is even longer than the Queen of Pop.
Sam Smith – The Best New Artist is Ron Burgundy?
Anna Kendrick – Looking Pitch Perfect and the sexiest she ever has. Tweet that, AK.
Ariana Grande – It’s amazing what she’s managed to accomplish without the use of her tongue. Enunciating is hard, kids!
Jessie J & Tom Jones – He’s used to getting women’s panties thrown at him on stage … and she performed in hers. The Gaga/Tony Bennett thing has officially become a trend.
Kanye West – He’s done the impossible and actually made Kim look like the intelligent one. Where’s Paul McCartney’s unplugged microphone when you need it?
Kim Kardashian – in vintage Liberace. Behind the Kandelabra.
Madonna – The matador/French maid ensemble was the Grammy equivalent of Cher at the Oscars. And whether you loved it or hated it, you can’t deny she brought the drama and spectacle to the somber and lackluster set of performances during the broadcast’s first seven hours. While the disparaging ageist remarks show no sign of abating, the Material Mom continues to flawlessly make inroads so that one day – a long, long time from now – millenials will be able to appreciate someone like Britney Spears as she attempts to hold on to her singing, dancing and overall stage presence. Oh wait.
Josh Duhamel – Hello, gorgeous! Looks like Fergie may need to start fielding offers for a CBS procedural if she ever plans to attend the Grammys again.
Beck – Who’s the Loser now? Sorry Beehive, but he’s music to Xenu’s ears! The album of the year is currently streaming on an E-meter near you. His retro Mia Farrow chic is now less Hannah and Her Sisters and more Rosemary’s Baby.
Smokey Robinson – The new star of Groom of Annabelle. He will haunt your nightmares!
Jeff Lynne – You say ELO, I say GEICO caveman.
Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani – Both looking gorgeous, even if he does have more foundation on than she does.
Hozier & Annie Lennox – Sweet dreams are made of this … and an imaginary harmonica.
Nick Jonas – All together now, “I know you are, but what am I?” Further proof that he should remain shirtless at all times.
Meghan Trainor – I’m all about that face. Hatchet Face. I’m terrible.
Pharrell – He’s gone from working at Arby’s to The Grand Budapest Hotel in 12 months. Now we’re all happy to never have to hear this song again.
Katy Perry – She was serving Princess Leia meets Solange Knowles wedding dress realness. Featuring an intro by Obama and a domestic abuse survivor to further highlight its importance, the austere performance must have been some sort of penance for that Super Bowl fiasco. Shadow dancers beat sharks and beach balls every time, Katy cats!
Katharine McPhee – She finally made it to the Grammys and all it took was losing American Idol, three albums and a hit CBS drama.
Lady Gaga – With a career littered with meat dresses, egg arrivals and failed male alter egos – Jo Calderone, anyone? – is it weird that I find her recent transformation into a Real Housewives of Orange County the most offensive? Put your paws up, Vicki Gunvalson!
Jane Fonda – Further proof Ryan Reynolds was completely miscast in Green Lantern. Hanoi Jane for the win!
Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman – Ellen and Portia look amazing!
Rihanna – Say what you will about her statement red carpet dress, the bigger problem was her ill-fitting Men’s Wearhouse double-breasted suit. Oh Na Na!
Paul McCartney – I find his transition into a younger Maggie Smith quite brave. Legend. Icon. Beatle. Dowager Countess?
Sam Smith & Mary J. Blige – A fierce black diva and an out and proud gay man. They’re a duet made in Shonda Rhimes heaven.
Prince – The Mrs. Roper thing has now further morphed into a homage to Barbra Streisand in Meet The Fockers. THIS is what it sounds like When Doves Cry … in Boca Raton.
Sia – It’s good to see someone getting use out of Lady Gaga’s discarded drag box.
Kristen Wiig – Loved it! She’s a blonde Emo Phillips. And look, Sia has legs!
Beyonce – Descending from the heavens, the weaved wonder came to grace us mere mortals with her ethereal magic. But there was definitely one person who didn’t like her rendition of Precious Lord, Take My Hand from Selma … Ledisi, the chick who sang it in the movie! Oh Hail No!
The 20-year-old attempted to wash Selena Gomez right out of his hair by updating his trademark lesbian locks with a brave platinum weave similar to the one Her Madgesty Madonna wore in the 1986 video Papa Don’t Preach.
He’s the new queen of pop.
- With Madonna, Katy, Lorde, Ozzy, Yoko & Sean Lennon … Welcome to the Coven Grammys.
- On second thought, with McCartney, Urban, Paul Williams, Bruno Mars,
Latifah, Alicia Keys, Smokey Robinson, Jeremy Renner, Bille Joe Armstrong, Steven Tyler & Hunter Hayes … it was the L-word Grammys.
- If the show is going to run 4 hours then I need Pink’s shirtless dancer in the corner of the screen for at least 3 of them.
- Beyonce needs a hair dryer and nothing else.
- Daft Punk has drank the Gaga juice. Take the helmets off, fools.
- The Little Monsters have found their new Lorde and saviour.
- Robin Thicke has officially Single White Male’d Justin Timberlake. Minus the whole amazing dancing thing.
- Not airing the Grammys live on the West Coast is the most archaic thing CBS has done since revealing their new fall lineup.
- Never watch music award shows live or suffer the wrath of not being able to fast forward through country music performances.
- Respect your elders, people. Everyone ages … if they are lucky.
Beyonce — The new Queen of Pop gave the best Ciara performance ever. Surfboard.
Pharrell — And the first Grammy-inspired Halloween costume of the year is born.
Lorde — Hands down the best album by a seven-year-old poltergeist. She’s 17 going on 43. It’s Darlene from Roseanne meets Amy Irving in Carrie with Japanese hair straightening and a pair of Joaquin Phoenix’s HER pants. Regardless, that awkward teen is one talented beyatch! Team Lorde all the way.
Hunter Hayes – If Showtime decides to make the Nurse Jackie Diaries, they’ve found their young Edie Falco.
Katy Perry – She really needs to stop shopping at the Lady Gaga 99 Cent Store. That performance was amazing … had it been the spring musical at Hellen Keller High.
Robin Thicke – Is it safe now? Are we assured we’ll never be subjected to Blurred Lines again? Please say it is so.
Keith Urban – Nicole Kidman divorced a gay man to marry a gay woman. Only his hairdresser will know for sure.
Pauly Perrette – She’s been on a hit CBS show for over ten years that no one I know watches yet the network rewards her by making her work a job more suitable for Kaley Cuoco’s stand-in. That’s some NCI … B.S.
Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic & Pat Smear — it’s the Eww Fighters.
Taylor Swift — Performance hair-ography by Nomi Malone’s Showgirls pool scene. #sitdown
Bruno Mars — It’s Alicia Keys had she not become famous. He’s so convincing that I bet Latifah tried to get his number. One dollar to anyone who can explain how the hell he got the Super Bowl gig.
Pink/Fun — I love me some Pink. She’s an amazing singer and performer. Her body and athleticism are beyond. Her concert last year may have been the best show I’ve ever seen. And we get it. You can work a silk like it’s nobody’s business. But the acrobatic jig is up. Time to learn to walk tightrope or pick up a new gimmick because you’ve spoiled us. At this point seeing her twirl in the air above the Staples center while singing live is like a ghost of VMAs past. No offense but it’s true. But PS, she should be the one performing at the Super Bowl!
Ozzy Osbourne — It’s not nice to speak ill of the dead.
Kelly & Sharon Osbourne — Effie Trinket’s plus two at the Panem Grammys.
Ringo Starr — Sorry Ringo but it’s all about his wife Barbara Bach. The former Bond Girl is 66 and looks fantastic. That is some mighty fine upholstery work. All this time I thought she was British, turns out she’s a Queens girl from Jackson Heights. Get tha fuck outta here, loca!
Paul McCartney — Susan Boyle has gone so Hollywood! Loving his Suzi Quatro/Leather Tuscadero from Happy Days shag.
Imagine Dragons/Kendrick Lamar — I thought radio killed Imagine Dragons for me but after that performance they have been redeemed.
Kacey Musgraves — Megan Fox with a twang. Poor thing needs to stay away from the Katy Perry sample sales. Winner of worst performance slot … appearing on a Staples-adjacent stage. At least the audience could get a view of her as they walked to the bathroom.
Julia Roberts — Ladies and gentlemen, Lyle Lovett’s ex-wife. ‘Memba that??
Gloria Estefan– She may have 2 titanium rods in her back but unlike Madonna — who is a year younger — Gloria doesn’t need animatronics to shut her eyes.
Jeremy Renner – 50 shades of gay.
Douche Punk — The only way to redeem themselves for the tired & pretentious robot act would have been to accept the Album of the Year by removing the helmets to reveal … Tina Fey & Amy Poehler. Or to keep it CBS friendly, the Two Broke Girls.
Stevie Wonder — Can someone please plug in his mic … and unplug Pharrell’s?
Cyndi Lauper — 30 years after winning Best New Artist, she wins a Grammy for Kinky Boots. Girls just want to have a career as long and successful as her!
Carole King/Sara Bareilles — Basic bitches for the win. Just two talented singers and pianos. No dancers, smoke machines, costumes, circus acts or helmets. In this day in age, that’s what you call BRAVE.
Steven Tyler/Smokey Robinson — Are those the remaining Pointer Sisters? My 95-year-old aunt has no problem with gay marriage. But these two androgynous, bejeweled, fibre glass divas? That is something she just can’t wrap her head around.
Metallica– At what point exactly did lead singer James Hetfield turn into a TimeWarner cable guy? Can you hook up my Roku too?
Macklemore & Lewis — It was their night. They never looked better. I just feel bad for their poor future ex-girlfriends sitting in the audience.
Same Love — I’m not going to harp too much on having a closeted celebrity officiate the ceremony. Or that CBS aired the segment at a ‘safe’ post 11pm time slot or that they failed to show any (same-sex) couples kissing. I’m just going to revel in the fact that for 5 min they aired a ‘rap’ act — and MADONNA! — singing about equality, love and being gay, without using any euphemisms, that sent a loud & clear message and created a historic memory for 33 loving couples on national TV. And since not everyone, believe it or not, lives in NY or LA, that’s a pretty big deal.
Queen Latifah — I’m all for your baby steps, gurl. But it’s getting ridiculous. Godspeed, Dana.
Mary Lambert — Looked fantastic, minus the dreadful exposed tattoo and gown combo that no one can pull off. No one.
Madonna — Haters gonna hate. She’s 55 & still serving it. Get over it, children. Bey, Katy and Gaga will be lucky to get bashed by future 20somethings should they still be around at the 2045 Grammys to perform with Suri Cruise. I’m sorry but Boss Hogg knows how to make a performance entrance. Open your heart, ageists.
Miranda Lambert — Malin Akerman is that you? From country bumpkin to Trophy Wife!
Billie Joe Armstrong — Shane from The L-Word.
Yoko Ono — The woman is 80. Fuck what ya heard, she’s the Supreme, bitches.
Alicia Keys — Those are some damn nice pecs, lady.
Paul Williams — Adorable. Serving Cloris Leachman/Beverly Ann on ‘Facts of Life’ realness.
Nine Inch Nails — Trent Reznor should be thanking the Recording Academy. Because rolling credits during his performance & then tweeting ‘Fuck You’ to the Grammys gave him the opportunity to still seem remotely punk rock. A feat nearly impossible after winning an Oscar.
With her weave freshly fumigated and her body on a Cheetos detox, Britney Spears debuted her new music video for “Work Bitch“ which showcases the latest in arm dancing and hair flips … and the ability to emulate female pop stars that don’t phone it in.
The 31-year-old conservatorship wonder takes lip synching to new levels while borrowing from the Spice Girls ‘ “Say You’ll Be There”, Lady Gaga‘s “Poker Face”, Beyonce‘s “Who Run the World (Girls)” and every S&M oriented image of Madonna from the last 25 years.
The Cult of Britney may call her Godney, but she’s really the MESSiah.