Lady Gaga | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

This week SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC is joined by TV & nightlife producer Woody Woodbeck as we rant about Rupaul‘s Emmy, “Finding Prince Charming“s black tie problems, Lady Gaga‘s Illusion, American Horror Story‘s premiere, Naya Rivera & Tim Gunn‘s scalding hot tea & Kim Zolciak‘s new, um, look.

So if you like your pop culture raw, real & ridiculous …we got you, boo!

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Let’s get soaking wet, as SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC dives into the Olympic pool looking for speedos, smooth torsos & sketchy swimmers. Plus Britney Spears comes alive, Lady Gaga is reborn, Madonna celebrates a birth & Caitlyn Jenner transitions for the last time.

 

10 Things Learned Watching the 88th Annual Academy Awards:

1. It’s apparently absolutely acceptable to joke about the same topic for over 210 minutes.

2. Stacey Dash bombed so hard, the US should consider using her for ISIS drone strikes.

3. So even if you have the best of intentions & address a topic no one else had so far that night, and have the nerve to admit you may be inadvertently misquoting someone during your unexpected acceptance speech, The Gays will eat their own and come for blood. You have been warned. The Writings on the Tweet.

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4. Steven Spielberg has cast his wife Kate Capshaw in the latest Conjuring/Annabelle sequel. #SheBangs

5. In the wake Antonin Scalia’s death, Whoopi Goldberg has very subtlely thrown her name into the Supreme Court Judge nomination ring.

6. Just because you are nominated for a song Oscar doesn’t mean you can’t OVERACT. FOR. YOUR. LIIIIIIFE!

7. From now on, Charlize Theron shall only be addressed as Charice QUEEN.

8. In the Zero Fucks Given category, Frances McDormand’s Tony-winning denim jacket has been usurped by Mad Max costume design winner Jenny Beavan’s Sons of Anarchy motorcycle chic. I hope she made it safely back to the Shire.

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9. Ellen’s 2014 pizza delivery > Chris Rock’s Tagalongs > NPH‘s 2015 briefcase debacle

10. If Leonardo DiCaprio were a woman, we’d be saying he officially has everything … except a spouse. But he isn’t, so we won’t.

This year’s White Oscars are over. Since I’m not about to get into a political argument over Hollywood’s biggest night – that’s what your Facebook feed is for – here are my two cents on some of the show’s biggest highlights.

Enjoy!

Chris Rock – On a very special episode of The Oscars …

Emily Blunt – Nothing against her at all, but shame on the Academy for making any mere mortal – let alone a pregnant woman – present next to QUEEN Charlize.

Charlize Theron – According to Chris, she’s “whiter” than Emily Blunt, but don’t forget she’s also the first African woman to win Best Actress. #QUEEN

Sam Smith – Everyone simmer down! He’s not the first openly gay man to win. He misquoted Ian McKellan who was referring to there being no openly gay ACTING winners (Kevin Spacey, Joel Grey, even John Gielgud were not out at the time of their win.) Elton John, Scott Rudin, Dustin Lance Black etc .. are not acting winners. Sam even mentioned he might have the quote wrong in his speech. Regardless, he said something good about the gay community. Can’t we be happy about that? I know we live in the ‘attack & tweet’ era but breathe, chilrins, breathe. He’s on our side, even if he did rob Mother Monster (or, perhaps the 2 non-pop star nominees who didn’t get to sing their songs!). Oh and if you ask me (which you didn’t but imma tell you any way) Dustin Lance Black‘s catty tweet probably says more about him than 23-year-old Smith.

Kerry Washington – From the looks of her gladiator Kevlar®, she’s at war … with her stylist.

Henry Cavill – Swoon. Superman has never looked so dashing. SLAY me, Daddy.

Alicia Vikander – She deserved the Oscar … for Ex-Machina.

Cate Blanchett – ICON. Thank God someone took a risk. Love it or hate it, it’s a LEWK and she pulled it off like no one else could. Also, she’s the new Meryl.

Margot Robbie – Move over Blanche Deveraux, there’s a sexy new Golden Girl in town. Not content with taking over Jaime Pressly’s identity, she now appears to be gunning for Michelle Monaghan’s. Career Suicide Squad.

Jared Leto – So I’m assuming ’70s wedding groomsmen is now an actual thing in Bushwick/Echo Park/all of SanFran.

Rachel McAdams – She really is BACK!

Michael B. Jordan – LAWD HAVE MERCY! Please tell me the B stands for what I hope it does! No? Dammit!

Andy Serkis – Gollum looked precious. And by precious I mean coked out of his mind.

The Chilean winning directors – Gabriel Vargas (left) & Pato Escala (right) won for something or other. But more importantly “pato” means duck in Spanish. It’s also a derogatory term for gay. But I’ll take it. I mean if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck …

The Weeknd – As long as he’s not singing “Can’t Feel My Face” in a Carhartt jacket then it’s all good.

Kate Winslet – Flawless. I HATED Titanic,  but I LOVE all of this/them.

Mark Rylance – If he goes missing after snatching Best Supporting Actor, check Stallone’s trunk. That is, if you can even recognize him.

Sly Stallone – I didn’t realize he was married to Caitlyn BFF Candis Cayne.

Louis CK – Host of the 2017 Academy Awards.

Sharmeen Obaid-Chinay – “Good thing I have two of these.” Even without that read, she gave the best speech of the night after noting her best documentary short, A Girl In the River, is changing laws (honor killings!) in Pakistan. FYI, I think that luxe embroidered cloak cost more than a Honda Civic.

Dev Patel – From Slumdog to the Indian Adam Driver. The Hotness Awakens.

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Academy President Cheryl Boone-Isaacs –  We like you. We really, really like you!

Dave Grohl – Why it gotta be a “Blackbird?”

Jacob Tremblay & Kevin Hart – Adorable!

Sofia Vergara – The best chyron/fun fact of the night: Sofia Vergara co-starred with Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon in Hot Pursuit. #shade  Question: If Sofia Vergara doesn’t wear a mermaid dress, is it really Sofia Vergara?

Costume designer Sandy Powell – This is not Tilda Swinton despite all of Kris Jenner & Giuliana‘s hooting & hollering on E! But it could very well be yet another Lady Gaga Bowie tribute.

Lady Gaga – Just sing. Powerful song. Powerful message. Powerful visual. Powerful voice. Just sing.

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But it was respectful of her to honor the 25th anniversary of Madonna‘s Sooner or Later performance from the 1991 Oscars. Brava.

Common – #OscarsSoRight

Alejandro Inarritu – Two years in a row. 4 Oscars total. 7 nominations. With Cuaron’s win for Gravity in 2014, that makes it the third straight year a Mexican filmmaker has taken home Best Director. (Mexican cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki also won 3 times in a row) Yet that’s still not enough to stop the band from drowning out your speech — which just happened to be about race and skin color. Where’s Leo when you really need him?!

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Saoirse Ronan – Gorgeous! She was giving Heather Locklear/Sammy Jo Carrington in Dynasty and that is always a win.

Brie Larson – She won an Oscar and hugged every one of Gaga’s abuse survivors. The new Jennifer Lawrence has been crowned. And as an added bonus, she’s almost as pretty as boyfriend Alex Greenwald. How you doin’?

Matt Damon & Luciana Barroso – It must get annoying being constantly referred to as Matt Damon’s wife. But I guess it beats still slinging cocktails at a bar in South Beach.

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Leo DiCaprio  – It’s about time he finally got the respect he’s deserved. And just like Winslet, he didn’t win for the role he should have. I’d imagine pretending to like Kirk Cameron is a lot harder than wrestling a CGI bear in the wilds of Argentina .

Jake GyllenhaalBrokeback. End of Watch. Prisoners. Enemy. Nightcrawler. If you ask me, we’ve already found Leo’s award snub successor … and my future hubs!

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Jonathan Herman – Quick shout out to my longtime pal for his nomination for writing Straight Out of Compton. He didn’t technically win (Spotlight took it), but he did. Plus sitting between Tobey Maguire & JJ Abrams ain’t too shabby.

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Fresh off her David Bowie SNL sketch at the Grammys, Lady Gaga once again used her on stage theatrics, but this time it was to give tribute to Hatchet Face from John Waters’ 1990 cult hit Cry-Baby. Mum mum mum mah.

Watch the Golden Globe winner do her best walk walk fashion baby at the Marc Jacobs Fall 2016 runway show below.

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10 Things Learned Watching the 58th Annual Grammy Awards:

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1. Thanks to Taylor Swift & Ciara‘s W Hotel cabana chic, pool cover-ups are the new black.

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2. A bizarre terrorist cell made of Victoria Jackson/Jenna Elfman “Dharma” weave caliphates have infiltrated the country music industry. Save yourselves, Nashville!

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3. Sorry Little Monsters, but Annie Lennox should have done the David Bowie tribute and saved us from this Elvis meets Bette Midler/C.C. Bloom “Oh Industry” outtake from Beaches.

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4. Adele is human, but she’ll set fire to the rain … & anyone who fucks up her musical performance. As far as styling, the mother of the bride gowns really need to stop!

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5. Best performance goes to Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood his tight white t-shirt. The 31-year-old was head and shoulders (and ARMS!) above the rest. Yaaaaas, Hunty!

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6. Wynonna Judd looks amazing. Oops! As penance for “All About the Bass,” Meghan Trainor has entered the Witness Protection Program.

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7. The lead singer of Alabama Shakes is also the guy from Digital Underground. #HumptyDance

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8. If he loses any more weight, Sam Smith is going to have to change his name to John Doe.

9. The only thing not moved by that Lionel Richie musical tribute was his face.

10. Robin Thicke & Pitbull – The sequel no one asked for:  A Night at the Roxbury 2: Electric Shit-aloo.

With so many lethargic numbers – save for Kendrick Lamar’s passionate performance & Lady Gaga‘s cuckoo bird SNL sketch – you wouldn’t have known last night’s Grammy Awards were actually live on the West Coast for the first time.

In between the red carpet and the latest round in the Taylor Swift -Kanye West publicity fight, here are a few other things that made me sit up and take notice. Enjoy!

Ariana Grande –  Sofia Vergara for GapKids.

The Weeknd – His Ex-Machina humanoid girlfriend Bella Hadid had more life than his performance.

Rihanna couldn’t make it so she sent her Snuggy-wrapped understudy Andra Day instead.

Ellie Goulding – Did you know Jenner Lips™ are now available for natural blondes too?

Pharrell Williams – Sisqo is alive and well.

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Stevie Wonder – Somehow he got roped into hosting The Hunger Games in the Capitol.

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Justin Bieber – Despite the douchey face pubes, the douchey animal print Jwoww outerwear, the douchey flexing poses and even his insistence of trying to make those douchey Michael Flatley Riverdance moves a thing, I’d still hit it. I fully realize I am part of the problem.

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Lady Gaga – She BEWITCHED us all.

Johnny Depp, Joe Perry & Alice Cooper – Ever since prison, Teresa Giudice and the rest of the Real Housewives of New Jersey are looking rough. On a related note, remember to watch this week’s intense episode of The Walking Dead.

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Mark Ronson – This 40-year-old hipster can GET IT. All of it!

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Zendaya – No Patchouli oil and weed tonight, because her freshly blown out mullet is giving you former ’80s child star for the gawds! #WeaveAreTheyNow

Tove Lo – More like Tove NO.  Septum piercings are perfect for when an exposed tat and a gown aren’t awful enough.

attends The 58th GRAMMY Awards at Staples Center on February 15, 2016 in Los Angeles, California.

James Bay – Apparently he was attending the Pennsylvania Dutch Grammys.

Florence Welch – Sorry James Bay, but the Amish are so 2015. Everyone knows it’s all about being a Fundamentalist Cult Wife now! Even Lena Dunham is doing it, so it’s gotta be a thing.

Beyonce –  Contrary to conservative outcries, she went all white.

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Britney Spears – No, she wasn’t anywhere near the Grammys, but ask yourself: Where were you nine years ago today? May she rest.

 

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In the name of the Pia, and of the Madonna and of the Holy Gaga.

Thanks be to the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Amen.

The annual Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art is all about fashion, drama and letting us have it. It is the Oscars on steroids. It is not for the timid, the safe, or for placating the small minds of the basic masses at home. Ready-to-Wear is not allowed.

That being said, here are 20 MAYJAH lewks from this year’s MET GALA, whose theme was “China: Through the Looking Glass.” #culturalappropriationalert

1. Eat your heart out, Khaleesi. Introducing Sarah Jessica Parker, Mother of Dragons. Carrie Bradshaw is alive and well.

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2. Vogue Creative Director, Grace Coddington knows it’s her party and she can wear Prada pajamas if she wants too! It’s all about Miss Grace, y’all.

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3. Take away the bizarre statement necklace and Jennifer Lawrence is every PR girl working media check-in at a movie premiere. “Like, omigawd, I don’t see your name on the list.” Katniss needs to set this dress on fire!

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4. Katie Holmes in Zac Posen. Rihanna wig sold separately.

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5. This is the most hood you will ever see Anne Hathaway.

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6.  Elizabeth Banks serving Real Housewives of New Jersey realness. Styling by Dina Manzo.

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7.  The girl from The Ring is all growed up and BFFs with Selena Gomez, who, by the way, is finally showing off her voluptuous Latina curves. Wepa!

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8. Kris Jenner in Linda Dano/Fellica Gallant Another World drag. Thank God Bruce is now safe.

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9.  Full House is dead to them, but American Horror Story would be a game changer for The Olsen Twins.

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10. Lorde have mercy.

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11. It’s Bieberace. Behind the Douchelabra.

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12.  What would Giuliana Rancic think about this? More importantly, how the hell does Zendaya get invited to all these A-list events? Patchouli oil and weed?

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

13. Beauty and the Beast in reverse. J.Lo knows to always keep a safe distance of at least two feet away from the Donatella Verzombie.

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14. It takes a village, people! Rihanna is giving you GOWN for the GAWDS. #BedBathAndBeyondHauteCouture

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15. Someone please inform Ms. Witherspoon that it’s the MET GALA not the Golden Globes! #snore #boring #change

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16. It’s not nice to make fun of the fashion handicapped. #KatyPerryAlwaysGetsItWrong

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

17.  Game of Thrones! But you are never getting the crown, bitches! #QueenOfPop

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18. Would she ever really date a man THAT old? Believe it or not, only ONE of them is 36. #gavegoodface

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19. That aint’ some sort of oil slick, it’s Solange destroying all the chickens in her path with her avant-garde eleganza. Sorry, but this is the Knowles sister who really slayed … and no elevator was required this year.

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20. Forget Mayweather & Pacquiao, the fight of the century is the battle of the sheer bejeweled vagina dresses! Jenna Jameson would be so proud of these two.

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That’s it. Now if only E! or Bravo or Logo would get it together and finally air this red carpet next year?! Sheesh! Don’t they know their audience?

The end. See y’all at H&M.

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Ten Things learned watching the 87th Annual Academy Awards:

  1. Neil Patrick Harris’ ballot box joke took longer to execute than Boyhood and got the same amount of love from the Academy.

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2. If they cue the music during your acceptance speech, just keep talking … it’s one less minute we’ll be subjected to that ballot box joke.

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3. With feminism, civil rights, immigration reform, ALS, Alzheimer’s and two mentions of suicide, there was only one thing more serious and political than the acceptance speeches … the In Memoriam snub of Joan Rivers! Can we tawk?!

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4. Imitation Game Adapted Screenplay winner Graham Moore is not gay … but his voice and queening out to Oprah sure is! Coming out as straight is hard. #stayweird

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5 . Speaking of not gays … while it’s fine to comment on his creepy face-groping of biological women, we all really need to be more vigilant and sensitive to John Travolta’s BRAVE new look during this time. #askhermore

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6. All it took for Tim McGraw (you know, Gwyneth Paltrow’s friend) to enter the witness protection program was the removal of one hat.

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7. Meryl Streep and Jennifer Lopez will soon star in a buddy comedy together, thereby assuring for the rarest of feats… a Meryl-free Oscar season.

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8. Terrence Howard was one awkward pause away from pulling an Elizabeth Taylor and blurting out “Gladiator!”

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  1. Alexis Arquette killed it with her rendition of The Sound of Music.

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  1.    Common’s drag real name is Lonnie Lynn. Who knew?

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Neil Patrick Harris – Everyone is hating by saying he bombed, but at least he actually hosted the show throughout its entirety. No one remembers anymore, but last year Ellen did an intro, took a selfie, ordered a pizza and then disappeared. And even our beloved national treasures Tina Fey & Amy Poehler were almost non-existent at this year’s Globes. So yes, some jokes fell flat, but the opening was great, he ad-libbed a couple of zingers and even “had the balls” to nearly show his in a pair of padded briefs. A for effort, which is more than I can say for past hosts like Seth McFarlane and James Franco.

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Lupita Nyong’o – Serving pearl necklace for the GAWDS!

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J.K. Simmons – Using his entire speech to stress the importance of family – call your mother! –  and thanking his wife and kids with no reference to agents, managers or studio heads, was not only refreshing, it was downright revolutionary. Which begs the question: What is he trying to make right by them?! And I don’t care what anyone says, his character in Whiplash is gay. (That tight t-shirt don’t lie).

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Dakota Johnson & Melanie Griffith – You know Fifty Shades is a total snoozefest when Dakota has more sexual chemistry with her recalibrated MOTHER than Jamie Dornan.

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Jennifer Lopez – Drama. Spectacle. Wow. If it can be worn anywhere else – besides the Met Costume Gala in NY – then it isn’t an Oscar gown. SLAYED.

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Costume Design winner Milena Canonero – You know she isn’t from here, because, even though it was raining, no one in Los Angeles actually owns a raincoat.

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Reese Witherspoon – She don’t pop molly, she rock Tom Ford!

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Channing Tatum – He must share the same guyliner specialist as Travolta.

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Nicole Kidman – Exquisitely styled by Madame Tussauds.

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Shirley MacLaine – Outfit by Liza Minnelli, wig by Mattel™ and sold exclusively at Hollywood Toy & Costume.

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Tegan and Sara – Cutest lesbian duo of the night, next to Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. Props to their drag mother, John Travolta.

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Andy Samberg and Lonely Island guys – You know what would have made it even more awesome … those Katy Perry Super Bowl sharks.

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Jared Leto – Believe it or not, he is not part of Lonely Island.

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Dana Perry – Her win for Best Documentary Short Subject was for a serious topic (veterans & suicide) but her dress was giving us life … and proved NPH can ad lib when needed. And we needed.

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Viola Davis – One day she will win an Oscar … and learn how to walk in heels!

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Gwyneth Paltrow – It was crazy and risky and 80s and I loved it. If you are going to harp about steaming your vadge, you might as well wear one on your shoulder.

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Margot Robbie – Now that she’s completely removed any trace of Jamie Pressly from the industry, she’s gunning for full Emma Stone annihilation. You have been warned.

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The Hobbit is over but the elfin beauty trend has only just begun.

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Emma Stone – There are two types of people in this world: those who can successfully wear chartreuse and the 99.99% rest of us. Perfection.

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Patricia Arquette – Who does an Oscar winning feminist have to f*ck to get a proper blowout in this town? Equal pay for a good hairstylist NOW!

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Rita Ora – People, stop trying to make Rita Ora happen. #fetch.

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Chloe Grace Moretz – Pockets in dresses are cool, until you are on stage and they make you look like you are dealing with some sort of irritating rash.

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Jessica Chastain – Always the bridesmaid never the bride. Say yes to the dress, just not this one.

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Cheryl Boone Isaacs – Speaking of weddings, here’s the Academy President … and the mother of the bride.

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Naomi Watts – The dress is Armani, but the sports bra is lululemon. The Cult of SoulCycle is real, children!

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Jennifer Aniston – Perhaps the film industry would take her more seriously as an actress if she lost the Friends/Must See TV hair.

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David Oyelowo – Don’t kid yourselves, the real reason he was crying was because he kept getting mistaken for a theatre usher. “Sir, is there a bar on the mezzanine?”

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John Legend & Common – That emotional performance of “Glory” proved how far we’ve come … since Three 6 Mafia won for “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.”

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Idina Menzel – Local authorities say Adele Dazeem will not be pressing charges since it turns out the inappropriate touching was a total misunderstanding. John didn’t have on his contacts and kept mistaking her for his male masseuse.

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Scarlett Johansson – Unfortunately, neither ScarJo’s terrible kryptonite necklace nor her lesbian ‘do could keep her safe from her A Love Song for Bobby Long co-star John Revolta’s Xenu death grip. Stay perfectly still and no one gets hurt.

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Lady Gaga – Not since Britney Spears in 2008 has a raggedy weaved pop star fallen so hard and risen back to the top so quickly. But in lieu of a conservator, auto-tune and an upped dosage of psychotropic meds, Stefani Germanotta used her natural voice and a pair of red Palmolive bovine insemination gloves. While it’s ripe for ridicule, this look was the closest we got to a Cher moment, a Celine Dion reverse tux, Bjork swan dress or Demi Moore bike shorts, so all I have to say is … Applause!

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Julie Andrews – 79 and flawless.

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Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu – He won two Oscars on the heels of fellow Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron’s win for Gravity last year. Now this is the start of a Latino stereotype that I can fully support. Wepa!

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John Stamos – at the Oscars? When you look this hot (especially at 51) anything is possible.

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Ben Affleck – Presenting Best Director after his Argo snub. Nice to see Batman has a sense of humor.

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Michael Keaton – But following Eddie Redmayne’s win for Best Actor, this gum chewing Batman probably doesn’t.

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Cate Blanchett – Wearing a statement necklace that said: “This will be perfect for cousin Shari’s bat mitzvah in Boynton Beach.”

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Jake Gyllenhaal – Was totally snubbed for a Best Actor nom. Just had to point out it again.

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Eddie Redmayne – I know people say he’s cute. But I think he’s just a wig away from playing the eccentric best friend in the next Kate Hudson/Emily Blunt/Shailene Woodley romcom flop. Judy Greer better watch out.

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Solange Knowles – Gumby in red! For the love of House of Dereon, who retrofitted her into this Christian Siriano haute couture strait jacket? #beyonce

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Matthew McConaughey – The missing link in the Shia LaBeouf – Joaquin Phoenix douchetionary chain. He’s also a shiny blazer away from locking down a Vegas lounge host residency.

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Julianne Moore – At last. Well deserved, long overdue and should have won at least twice before. But I must admit, I wanted her dress to gimme gimme Moore.

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Sean Penn – I was going to say he looked ruggedly handsome. But after that tired green card joke, he’s still just a jerk. Apparently, nothing has changed since he was married to Madonna and punching photographers from coast to coast.

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will i CAN’T – Just because the Oscars are held at a mall, that’s still no reason to dress like a Foot Locker sales associate. Have a seat, ma’am.

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Peter Pan Live with Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber

This live tweeting camp classic airs December 4th at 8pm on NBC

The flawless and preposterous new poster for NBC’s Peter Pan Live musical was unveiled and it’s obvious producers have been snorting lots of fairy dust!  With more cheap wigs than a Lifetime original movie, it features Allison Williams and Christopher Walken done up in their best Party City gender-bending pop star drag.

With Halloween fast approaching, let this be a reminder that you really need to make sure  your Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber costumes – and weaves! – are on point.

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of … Carrie Underwood laughing.