Things Learned From Watching the 2017 Grammys
- Beyonce can get her mother, sister and daughter screen time, but still doesn’t have the power to get Michelle Williams‘ shift covered at P.F. Changs so she can make a cameo at the Staples Center. Rude! #PoorMichelle
2. By the way Beyonce is flaunting her second pregnancy, it’s obvious we still don’t know who carried her first one. #TheTruthIsOutThere
3. The only person who hasn’t tired of hearing “Hello” is Adele. True story!
4. Keith Urban will be amazing in The Betsy DeVos Story.
5. The highest level in Scientology is OT: Shady ’80s Vegas Lounge Act. Save us, Leah Remini!
6. Immediately following their Bee Gees tribute, Little Big Town performed at your cousin’s wedding in Encino. And they took requests!
7. The imaginary Quentin Tarantino film that Dwight Yoakham & Jason Derulo are living in is going to be amazing.
8. Apologies to Chance the Rapper, but it will always be too soon to bring back Cosby sweaters!
And now a few more silly words on some petty shit. Enjoy!
Beyonce – Narcissistic? Yes. Self-indulgent? Of course. Over the top? Clearly. But c’mon, who doesn’t L-U-V a pop queen on her throne? Now, against your better judgement, yell “slay.”
Adele doesn’t need to dance. Adele doesn’t need backup dancers. Adele doesn’t need elaborate stage shows. Adele doesn’t need to parade her body in a unitard. Adele has a voice. Adele has unparralled talent. Adele can stop and restart her performance on live television and you will love it and cheer and, against your better judgement, yell “slay.” These are not alternative facts!
Lady Gaga & Metallica – The Super Bowl was 7 days ago. The Super Bowl is now a memory. The Super Bowl never happened. Now if, against your better judgement, you yelled “slay,” that’s on you.
Katy Perry – ALWAYS. GETS. IT. WRONG. So Becky may finally be WOKE, but the gurl cannot find a decent outfit if her rights depended on it. She ought to shave her head, as it would be her best lewk yet! On the positive side, at least NO ONE yelled “slay.”
Jennifer Lopez – She’s been
slaying destroying the red carpet since that infamous Versace number, but it’s J.Lo’s stick straight synthetic hair extensions that feel leftover from 2000. It’s time to leave this overdone trend on the floor! Sorry, mija.
Demi Lovato – Serving KARDASHIAN on the carpet & ’70s SARKISIAN (as in CHER-ilyn) on stage. Guess she’s done being cool … for the summer.
Maren Morris – Winner of best country something or other. What I want to know is: Will she accept this rose? #SheLooksLikeSomeoneOnTheBachelor
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – They are both turning 50 in a few months. Is country don’t crack a thing?
CeeLo – Can someone please Uber Gaga’s 2011 egg and send him home?
Bruno Mars – Definitely enjoyed it, but there was just one thing missing from his Prince tribute — Wendy & Lisa!
Rihanna – You don’t need an award, when you’re the coolest chic in the room. Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. “____!”
Halsey – Alls I see is a mashup of early Pink, JLo’s Versace thirst and TLC “Creep.” Next!
Hilton Jackson -The resemblance is uncanny. She has her father’s … last name.
A Tribe Called Quest – The one thing I won’t #resist … using “President Agent Orange!” Pass the Courvoisier, Busta!
And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my weekly pop culture podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below.
Orange County? New Jersey? Minneapolis-St.Paul?!
For some unknown reason, basic pop star Katy Perry, 30, and former actress Mischa Barton both showed up to separate events on opposite coasts this week decked out like they were at a cattle call for the latest installment of the popular Bravo franchise Andy Cohen’s Drag Race.
Looking like Kyle Richards at the CMAs, Katy got it all wrong yet again by rockin’ a blown out ’60s First Lady weave, chandelier earrings from Teresa Giudice‘s estate auction and a black low-cut Moschino prom dress for the premiere of Jeremy Scott: The People’s Designer in Hollywood.
Meanwhile, Mischa, 52, came out of retirement to do her best Krystle Carrington impersonation in an ’80s Aqua Net™ bouffant ‘do and a red matronly gown from the Vicki Gunvalson collection – available exclusively at the Brea Mall – for a Toronto Film Festival related event.
This definitely calls for flipping tables, weave pulling and wine fights.
Janeane Garofalo/’Vickie Miner’, is that you?
With Ethan Hawke nowhere in sight, John’s goatee, necklace and easy fit jeans trifecta are a slacker wonderland.
Looks like there could be a Lisa Loeb show in their future.
While she may try in vain to become the new Queen of Pop, mediocre music personality Katy Perry showed up to the UNICEF Snowflake Ball in NYC this week … looking more like the Queen Regent of the Seven Kingdoms on “Game of Thrones.”
You’re gonna hear me roar … in Westeros.
- Pitbull actually knows a few more words than just “305,” “Mr. Worldwide” or “Dale!”. A few. Un poquito.
- I need Justin Timberlake’s navy tuxedo and his Brazilian blowout.
- There was one thing weirder & more random than having Bill Maher introduce Rihanna … having her mother present the ICON award. Sweet but completely bizarre.
- With the hipster/folk rock explosion at Defcon 1 levels, now the only things differentiating One Direction from Mumford & Sons or The Lumineers are hair dryers and Aqua Net.
- Katy Perry’s performance was unbelievable … for taking insensitive cultural appropriation to new levels, & telling young girls to love their man unconditionally — like a docile, subservient prostitute. Konichiwa, Katy Kats!
- Lady Gaga & R. Kelly are not Sonny & Cher … do what you want with your bodies but leave the variety show numbers alone!
- On the other hand, The Jennifer Lopez Variety Hour is something I would definitely watch. Wepa!
- First gay rights and now racism, Macklemore & Lewis are like an LMFAO Afterschool Special in the making. And that’s one to grow on.
- R.I.P. TLC.
- Miley Cyrus struck the perfect balance every female pop star strives for … proving you can really sing while still effectively showing off your adorable pussy.
The American Music Awards are the most important award show to air on the last Sunday of November on ABC. It’s true. Now if you were too busy watching Homeland, Walking Dead and Ja’mie: Private School Girl, you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. Consider yourself lucky.
Katy Perry — Misguided performance aside, her arrivals dress was a huge improvement over her usual red carpet looks which tend to navigate the spectrum between Kelly Bundy and an extra on Real Housewives of OC.
Pitbull — You are from Miami. You are Latin. You speak Spanish. You grew up poor. WE KNOW! ¡Dios mio, callate la boca!
Taylor Swift — She’s creating a Dynasty … by serving Heather Locklear Sammy Jo Carrington Realness.
Justin Timberlake — Buffed up, no signs of Jessica Biel and flirting with Taylor Swift. This will not end well …except for Taylor’s future album sales.
Emma Roberts — Unfortunately for Em & her stylist, L.A.’s ban on plastic bags doesn’t start until January.
One Direction — Boy band or a ZARA store come to life? Ok, so they’re growing on me … except for the frosted tips/highlighted one who looks like he’s still in O-Town.
Ariana Grande — Very talented little lady who seems like she can do no wrong … until the photos/videos are leaked. #allthekidshavethem
Marc Anthony — Kohl’s sponsored the AMA’s Best New Artist award … and his outfit.
Ke$ha — Between the facial bone morphing, Amanda Bynes hair and the somewhat dramatic black gown, I wasn’t sure if it was her or yet another Lady Donatella wannabe.
Rihanna — I love me some RiRi but giving her an ICON award after being around 8 years is sillier than wearing a bobby pinned Rite Aid weave to an award show.
Naya Rivera — Flawless as Whoreticia Addams!
Dave Grohl & Joan Jett — Caught between rock and a hard place. Yowza! Was that really Joan or Chita Rivera?
Wayne Newton — Burn victim! But don’t call another doctor!
Kelly Osbourne — Wearing 50 shades of …don’t you know any gays? Joan Rivers will not be happy about this.
Nicole Richie — She’s back to her baby weight … 7lbs, 6oz.
Florida Georgia Line — Deport.
Daisy Fuentes –‘Memba her? 47 and fabulous! Proof that a successful line at Kohl’s can buy an appearance on national TV.
Pete Wentz — Adorbs! He’s like Paul Rudd with guyliner. Just don’t stand next to Amazonian Taylor Swift, little fall out boy!
Alicia Silverstone — Speaking of Rudd, Cher Horowitz looks amazing!
Jennifer Hudson — It’s been almost 5 years now, feel free to mention her name without saying the words “weight loss.” #enough
Christina Aguilera — Looks and sounds fabulous. But when is Dirrty Xtina making a comeback?! Bring on the ratty colored extensions!
Austin Mahone & Kendall Jenner — Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s designer impostors.
Avicii — “Wake Me Up?” Um, it looks like he hasn’t slept in months. #justsayno
Jeremy Renner — What the? Does he have a line at Kohl’s too?
Jennifer Lopez — Two words: Iris Chacon. Google her! Whatevs Britney, where’s JLo’s Vegas show? Somewhere in heaven Celia Cruz is smiling … unlike Lisa Left Eye Lopes.
TLC — Don’t go chasing comebacks … especially with Lil Mama. And who styled T-Boz? Pebbles? All I know is someone better sue.
Lady Gaga — Go back on the horse you rode on! On a positive note, it’s safe to say she didn’t copy this SNL skit performance from Madonna.
Miley Cyrus — God damn you, Miley. You just gave everyone — and their mother — 11 months to get next year’s Halloween costume ready. Yeah you you wreck me!